My story
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We'd been out on a bit of a night, my new manager was a very aggressive man which was tricky for me after a past of violence.
He was so sweet about it and we had a lovely night, bit drunken. Crashed out, I heard the knock, went to open the door, and suddenly it was the worst night of my life.
We were questioned separately, I could not comprehend the things that were being said, surely not? But when he was taken away, he gave me a look, and I've known this man a long time, that made me think he was guilty. He spent the night in the cells and when he got home? He said it was just a stupid tweet he'd received and foolishly not deleted or reported and it was all FINE. Fast forward 2 years and I I happen to be putting out the recycling and I find a court summons.
When I confronted him, he confessed it Was for the CP and his court date was coming up.
This was another lie. He'd already been to court, pled guilty, had his sentencing hearing and was there to be sentenced. Because he didn't have representation they adjourned the date for 4 weeks. I was there to understand what the charges were, I was so angry. So angry.
He kept up with the lies, telling me there were 3 images.
Well. When I went for the sentencing 4 weeks later. No. 150 images. Mostly C and B but one of A.
Thankfully he received a suspended sentence.
When I asked him what the A category meant he said it was just that it was a moving image.
I was too scared to Google it, in case I ended up on some kind of watch list so I called the cops to ask. He said, Google it, you'll be fine.
It means either penetration, sadism or bestiality. You liar!!
I woke him up and did my best to batter him, a feeble attempt.
This was a few weeks ago. We are still together. He is seemingly on board with the rehabilitation required.
I'm so desperately sad. I've loved this man for 17 years. He saved me when I was a wreck of a person, my family love him. It's my son's wedding in two weeks. Literally. How do I DO THIS.
He was so sweet about it and we had a lovely night, bit drunken. Crashed out, I heard the knock, went to open the door, and suddenly it was the worst night of my life.
We were questioned separately, I could not comprehend the things that were being said, surely not? But when he was taken away, he gave me a look, and I've known this man a long time, that made me think he was guilty. He spent the night in the cells and when he got home? He said it was just a stupid tweet he'd received and foolishly not deleted or reported and it was all FINE. Fast forward 2 years and I I happen to be putting out the recycling and I find a court summons.
When I confronted him, he confessed it Was for the CP and his court date was coming up.
This was another lie. He'd already been to court, pled guilty, had his sentencing hearing and was there to be sentenced. Because he didn't have representation they adjourned the date for 4 weeks. I was there to understand what the charges were, I was so angry. So angry.
He kept up with the lies, telling me there were 3 images.
Well. When I went for the sentencing 4 weeks later. No. 150 images. Mostly C and B but one of A.
Thankfully he received a suspended sentence.
When I asked him what the A category meant he said it was just that it was a moving image.
I was too scared to Google it, in case I ended up on some kind of watch list so I called the cops to ask. He said, Google it, you'll be fine.
It means either penetration, sadism or bestiality. You liar!!
I woke him up and did my best to batter him, a feeble attempt.
This was a few weeks ago. We are still together. He is seemingly on board with the rehabilitation required.
I'm so desperately sad. I've loved this man for 17 years. He saved me when I was a wreck of a person, my family love him. It's my son's wedding in two weeks. Literally. How do I DO THIS.
Sad Lady - your story could be many of our stories except you really have been thrown in at the deepest of deep ends. Most of our experiences are ones of ups and downs as we travel through the long wait between arrest and sentencing or enter somewhere near to the start. To become aware of the truth so late in the day must have been a tremendous shock along with the discovery that your person has been lying. Lots of us here have to come to terms with that along the way but we have time to process and decide what to do. You must be in a headspin and the only advice I can give is that you don't have to make a decision right now, even though everything in you is clamouring to do that. Can you 'separate' from your person, even if that means still living in the same house, whilst you process things? I'm not implying that this is easy at all, it's bl**dy hard however it plays out and although some of us have been absolutely sure that they need to finish a relationship, others change their minds or stay right from the start. You are rightfully furious at the moment - and hurt and disappointed plus other negative emotions I expect. But time will clarify for you what you want/need to do. Do you have someone you trust who you can tell? That is really important so you have some way of getting things off your chest when it all becomes too much.
I hope you can find some enjoyment in the wedding for yours and your son's sake although I'm sure it won't be the joyous occasion you were anticipating. Will your person still attend? That's assuming that you'd want him to be there of course. If so, does he have any restrictions included in his sentence regarding under 18's that he might not have told you about?
This is the very best place to come for advice, empathy and just to not feel so alone. Wishing you all the best and sending a big hug.
I hope you can find some enjoyment in the wedding for yours and your son's sake although I'm sure it won't be the joyous occasion you were anticipating. Will your person still attend? That's assuming that you'd want him to be there of course. If so, does he have any restrictions included in his sentence regarding under 18's that he might not have told you about?
This is the very best place to come for advice, empathy and just to not feel so alone. Wishing you all the best and sending a big hug.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful advice. Twice I've attempted to end things with him, but the emptiness I felt was beyond despair. He will be attending the wedding, there was no way to go there without him, without creating a scandal. I pondered the idea of saying he'd cheated on me but I really didn't need the questions, I'm a very honest person, ha. He has told the P.O of his travel plans, wedding is in France and as far as I know he is not restricted to spend time with my neices and nephew. I have looked forward to this moment for so long and now there is just a stain on the whole proceedings. Once I get this out of the way I will have a better understanding of how to move on. Thank you again, sweet lady. I had no idea there were so many of us poor souls enduring this agony.
I so empathise about the wedding - my person is my adult son who was arrested and brought to live with us just before our daughter, her husband and 5 year old moved in to stay with us for a few weeks before emigrating to Australia. A bit different from your big occasion but similar in that what was going to be a lovely few weeks having lots of fun with them and visiting friends and family became an organisational headache (not helped by a nasty OIC who made things as diffficult as possible eg suggesting our daughter was a bad mother if she even comtemplated her child being in the same room as our depraved son.) We also had a holiday booked to Tobago and decided to go but I can't remember much about it as we were in such a state of shock and anxiety. Also fears about what our son might do to himself without us there to watch over him, the burden of which fell onto our daughter.....it's not a time in my life which I would ever want to repeat and it must be even worse for you with it being your partner. Do keep in touch on here whenever you want - all the best to your son as he looks forward to his big day and lots of strength and peace for the day to you, sadlady xx
Oh love, how excruciating for you, I can't imagine.
He has said, on numerous occasions "I am not a pedophile "... what ARE you then? How could you see and SHARE this kind of, what? Content? Without being that?
He knows that I was SA when I was small, something that has absolutely devastated my life. I'd love to know how I would have turned out if that hadn't happened to me. I'm a functioning drunk, I was sober for a good amount of time, but my anxiety and low self worth doesn't allow that... no one at work knows, I have no idea how??
Menopause and my failing body are really taking a toll on my mental health, I'm not suicidal as such, but if I didn't wake up tomorrow, that would be fine.
Poor poor, pour me a drink.
He has said, on numerous occasions "I am not a pedophile "... what ARE you then? How could you see and SHARE this kind of, what? Content? Without being that?
He knows that I was SA when I was small, something that has absolutely devastated my life. I'd love to know how I would have turned out if that hadn't happened to me. I'm a functioning drunk, I was sober for a good amount of time, but my anxiety and low self worth doesn't allow that... no one at work knows, I have no idea how??
Menopause and my failing body are really taking a toll on my mental health, I'm not suicidal as such, but if I didn't wake up tomorrow, that would be fine.
Poor poor, pour me a drink.
I'm much earlier on in the process, but in your shoes I would 100% want to know what restrictions he's now under? Presumably he's on the SOR at least? I presume being in the same room as supervised under-18s at something like a wedding wouldn't be an issue, but I honestly wouldn't know 100%. I think the hardest part of this process is accepting that the person you lived with all those years may well pose at least some risk to under-18s IRL, and you may never know how much risk (they won't exactly fess up, especially if they've already lied their way through the whole post-arrest process). Its hard, because clearly you want to stay with him but you also have a duty of care to nieces and nephew. I find it devastating myself and its been a key fact in me separating from my husband.
Also I'd have said before all this that I couldn't manage without him, but the circumstances (children at home) forced the decision to separate on me straightaway and actually twelve months down the road its been...perfectly doable! I'd never have chosen to be a single parent, but we've all just had a pretty nice summer and the bills are paid and many days now are actually pretty good. And I was a stay at home parent who left all the finances to him, and his income vanished, and the first few months were dreadful. I guess I think you'd be surprised what you can do, as I was. Even if you want to stay now, could you gradually work on building up your confidence and independence (counselling etc, new interests separate from him, whatever) and thinking through what your finances would look like if you did separate down the road? Think of it as installing a few lifeboats on your ship.
Hey, oh, how I hear you. The lies, lies and more lies. I KNEW the ex was up to something. His behaviour changed very suddenly TWO YEARS before the knock. He was glued to the iPad and the laptop. I assumed he was up to his eyeballs in his degree, which he was but it was a great cover. I thought he was having an affair with someone he'd met at Uni (he was a mature student). What else was I to think? I cried every day. I questioned him every day. Every day he'd look me in the eye and say to me that he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't be. I didn't believe him but I kept it all hidden for the sake of our 4 kids. Then the knock came. I cannot believe his ability to calmly lie to me day in day out for 2 years! I'm 7 years on now and going through it all again as he's reoffended. I'm broken. Much love to you. X
We had the knock two and a half years ago. I thought it was all over with as he hadn't mentioned anything about it since he had a formal interview the day after they removed his electronic equipment. I booked a holiday (which I am currently on) and last week, the day before our holiday, he texts me to say he can't come as he has been charged with 15 indecent images. He said they were category C and he has a plea hearing tomorrow at the magistrates court. Not sure what to believe as its only just coming out now.
It came as a complete surprise to me. I won't be at court tomorrow as I'm still away until Friday but asked him to tell me what happens.
I just wanted to share my story as its similar to yours, but we are earlier on in the process
It came as a complete surprise to me. I won't be at court tomorrow as I'm still away until Friday but asked him to tell me what happens.
I just wanted to share my story as its similar to yours, but we are earlier on in the process
Laralocket, hi, just in case this is useful to you, some charities have volunteers who will go to court and watch proceedings on your behalf. I contacted Prisoners Families first and they gave me details of someone who could do this. I'm my experience, going to the sentencing is the best way to get to the truth, although, I'm too disabled to go this time (yeah, 2nd time for me), but I'll definitely be sending someone in my place. X
Hello everyone,
Well, I won't go into the wedding too much, it was beautiful, but he ruined it by getting completely drunk. I mean, he didn't ruin it for everyone, but he did for me, I am so mad about it.
Back home. Today was meant to be his first session with a therapist. No. Apparently, the waiting list is so long he will need to go through his GP. Is this normal?
I really only decided to stay if I could see he was prepared to address his * whatever the eff this is* but if there isn't the help required? How am I meant to continue with my life?
I am struggling. Really really struggling. Deeply struggling.
Well, I won't go into the wedding too much, it was beautiful, but he ruined it by getting completely drunk. I mean, he didn't ruin it for everyone, but he did for me, I am so mad about it.
Back home. Today was meant to be his first session with a therapist. No. Apparently, the waiting list is so long he will need to go through his GP. Is this normal?
I really only decided to stay if I could see he was prepared to address his * whatever the eff this is* but if there isn't the help required? How am I meant to continue with my life?
I am struggling. Really really struggling. Deeply struggling.