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My husband took his life

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Tablecat

Member since
August 2024

3 posts

Posted Wed August 28, 2024 8:33amReport post

Hi,

I have not spoken to many people about this but wanted to share my story on here to see if anyone has had a similar experience.

We received "the knock" 18 months ago, my husband denied all knowledge and said it was a mistake. At the time, I had just lost my Dad and was not in a good place at all, so I just carried on with life hoping that what he said was true. I told him that if it was true, and he had downloaded images of children, then I would divorce him.

Last November, he went out and did not come home. We reported him missing, the police came and about 30 minutes later told me they had found a man who had hanged himself. It was a huge shock and I was left wondering why.

Then 2 policemen came to tell me that my husband had pleaded guilty of all charges, had been to court several times over the previous 6 months and was due for sentencing the next day. I had absolutley no idea of any of this - he kept it all to himself.

My life has been turned upside down. I have not told any of my family or friends as I do know want anyone knowing what he did. I am ashamed of the lies and the bad deed that he did. However, I cannot be angry with him, as I feel he knew he had wrong and I feel he took his life to protect me from the press, his friends and family.

I have a counsellor who has helped me, but feel so alone and feel that noone understands what I am going through. Its a double edged sword, I have lost the husband who I loved but have found out that he was downloading indecent images of children which disgusts me.

Has anyone else had any experience of this?

LisaMargeMaggie

Member since
July 2024

109 posts

Posted Wed August 28, 2024 9:27amReport post

Oh you poor poor darling and your poor husband, children, everyone. It's just such a horrific addiction and so cloaked in secrecy due to how vilified the offence is. Sending you a huge hug. I'm so sorry I can't help with any practical advice but thank you for reaching out. Your poor heart xx

rainyday52

Member since
April 2023

461 posts

Posted Wed August 28, 2024 12:57pmReport post

That is so very sad - for all of you in your little family. I am so SO sorry. I suspect that many of us here had that sneaky fear about our people taking their lives once we knew what they had done and what they were facing but you had no idea about that. You sound as if you're blaming yourself a bit for not realising because of your own bereavement - I really hope you can find peace about that as we can all wonder why we had no inkling what was going on so please don't torture yourself.

I really want to say that although you can't hear it directly from your husband, you might benefit from talking to someone from LFF about the reasons why men turn to looking at these images. It might help you to understand that yes, your husband did make some dreadful choices and that was his own doing fair and square, but there are always reasons behind the behaviour and being the 'P' word is only one of them and not the most common either going on statistics. It won't give you a definitive answer but might broaden your thinking about your husband and allow you to remember him as the good man I'm sure he was in parallel with the one who committed these offences. As people often say on here 'a good man who did a bad thing.' It doesn't define him.

Also I would urge you to confide in someone who knows you well, just so you don't have to carry this alone. Of course you need to be as sure as you can be that they will cope and be a help, but you may be surprised at how much people would want to be there for you.

And of course, we are here anytime.

Big hug and take care xx

Upset mum

Member since
June 2020

2422 posts

Posted Wed August 28, 2024 4:24pmReport post

Tablecat x

Oh my heart breaks for you I am so sorry

It's good you have a counsellor to help and support you

A few ladies that were on here have had experienced what you have been going through, I cannot imagine how difficult it has been

The loss in itself is heartbreaking

I cannot offer any advice but just wanted to let you know we are here for you xx

Ocean

Member since
September 2023

793 posts

Posted Wed August 28, 2024 7:45pmReport post

Oh Tablecat how my heart breaks for you. I really don't have any words to say except I'm so sorry to know how much you've been through and how much you're hurting.

Tablecat

Member since
August 2024

3 posts

Posted Wed August 28, 2024 8:05pmReport post

Hi Everyone, Thank you for your kind words. I must say, I was feeling so isolated and alone due to not being able to discuss my horrific ordeal with anyone. I found the Lucy Faithful Foundation and then found this forum. I was amazed by how many people are affected by this, and although it doesnt make it better, I feel less alone now.

Since my husband died, all his friends and family keep asking if I have found out why he took his life, I will take this story to my grave and noone will ever find out. However I feel i have to be so careful to keep to the same story - that I just do not know what happened and why he did it.

Thanks for your suppport, it means a lot



xx

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2597 posts

Posted Wed August 28, 2024 8:47pmReport post

Just sending you one big hug, I felt so very very sad reading your post.

A loved one taking their life is a terrible tragic thing to have to deal with, truly heartbreaking, I know from loosing a beloved young man in our family.

God bless you and your family x

Edited Wed August 28, 2024 8:49pm

Sad Lady

Member since
August 2024

9 posts

Posted Thu August 29, 2024 2:47amReport post

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry this was the outcome of this desperate situation.

Much like yours, my husband downplayed the awful allegations and told me it was just a foolish oversight on his behalf, receiving an image that he didn't report or delete.

2 years later, I happened across the court summons. When I confronted him, he admitted it was CP, but said he had intended to take his own life before I found out. Now, I'm on eggshells, so angry and disappointed and disgusted, but also, very concerned that I could tip him over the edge.

I hope you have a good support system around you. You poor darling.

K4

Member since
October 2022

617 posts

Posted Thu August 29, 2024 8:46amReport post

Oh Tablecat, I am so sorry to read this.



Sending you hugs and solidarity



xxx

Seaside

Member since
July 2022

566 posts

Posted Thu August 29, 2024 10:31amReport post

Oh Tablecat I am so sorry to hear this and my heart is breaking for you.

I hope you have the support you need and never forget that we are all here for you.

Sending you so much love and strength xxx

PrairieMom

Member since
May 2024

81 posts

Posted Thu August 29, 2024 4:51pmReport post

Tablecat,

I am so sorry for your loss.

My husband lied to me, told me it was a mistake, and attempted to take his life. I think for him, he was in so much shame. He didn't now how he had gone so far off path and saw no hope.

You've told us your secret now and I hope that gives you some comfort and that you can find peace. Reach out whenever you need to.

Tablecat

Member since
August 2024

3 posts

Posted Thu August 29, 2024 8:12pmReport post

Sad Lady, I feel you know a lot about how I am feeling. There must be this huge elephant in the room which you are unable to discuss with your husband. I do not have any answers for you. This forum is such a good way of expressing how we feel about a siutation which we really dont want to be in and which is not our fault. I am not sure if this forum allows us to message privately, but if this is possible, it may be good to have a private chat.

Sending love to you xx

Bondi

Member since
December 2023

63 posts

Posted Thu August 29, 2024 11:03pmReport post

Hi, I just wanted to send you a big virtual hug.

I had similar when a close family member took their own life, unbeknownnto us at the time because he was accused of similar actions.

Its such a roller-coaster of emotions, we only found out after he took his life so double trauma to contend.

Suicide is such an awful and additional trauma!

I am happy to talk more via private chat as conscious of putting too many personal identifying details on hear for my separate current situation with me husband and iioc!

Just typing things out really helps unload the pressure that builds up dealing with all this.

This forum is wonderful, I also accessed support at survivers of bereavement by suicide (sobs) x

My Dog is the Best

Member since
August 2024

11 posts

Posted Fri August 30, 2024 1:32pmReport post

I am so sorry to read this. My heart is breaking for you all.

Sending you all loads of hugs and love xx

Edited Fri August 30, 2024 1:33pm

Devastated_mum

Member since
July 2024

49 posts

Posted Fri August 30, 2024 3:40pmReport post

Oh Tablecat, I am so sorry xxx

Life feels over

Member since
September 2022

412 posts

Posted Fri August 30, 2024 6:08pmReport post

Tablecat I am so saddened to hear your story and to know that you have been carrying this burden in isolation for such a long time. I hope you find comfort and support amongst us. One of the things I have learned through my journey is that you can still love your person but despise what they did. I'm sorry he felt this was his only option. x

sadso

Member since
December 2023

97 posts

Posted Fri August 30, 2024 6:56pmReport post

tablecat so sorry for your loss , it must have been so much trauma for you knowing this and also covering it up but he isn't here to defend himself so I think personally your doing what's right for you , yiu didn't know the answers yourself so you can't be the one left to explain the whys ... u now have this forum and an abundance of support, we all fear suicide for our loved ones in this situation it's such a terrible situation to be in, I hope in time you can heal and find some peace within yourself xxx

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2597 posts

Posted Fri August 30, 2024 8:30pmReport post

Hi Tablecat - yes you can private message on the forum - which is wonderful x

Edited Fri August 30, 2024 8:30pm

Marvel

Member since
October 2024

28 posts

Posted Tue October 29, 2024 10:45pmReport post

Sorry to read this Tablecat, suicide is such a devastating thing for a family to go through. I'm here if you want to message me.

Hycinth

Member since
October 2023

65 posts

Posted Tue October 29, 2024 11:25pmReport post

Hi

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is so tragic and awful. it is a horrible addiction. Sending you virtual hugs.

Hx

Molly dog

Member since
October 2023

56 posts

Posted Wed October 30, 2024 10:10pmReport post

So sorry for your loss big hugs xx

Eye of storm

Member since
May 2024

71 posts

Posted Fri November 1, 2024 7:51amReport post

I've only just seen this post and I wanted to extend my truly heartfelt sympathy for your loss. it breaks my heart that you have gone through this alone.
After my OHs initial arrest he went through a very dark period, fortunately in my career I've had quite a lot of suicide awareness training and was able to have open conversations with him early on which he says saved his life. Also his subsequent counselling touched on how suicide would cause more trauma to his loved ones than the offence itself - these interventions can make a massive difference but where possible all our people should be classed as vulnerable from the arrest and have much needed access to such support.
We are still not through it and I will continue to have the conversations with him, because even though someone looks okay really doesn't indicate that they aren't thinking or planning suicide.
My love and thoughts go out to you, we are always here for you - and anyone else here who's been through or facing similar trauma.xxx

Eye of storm

Member since
May 2024

71 posts

Posted Fri November 1, 2024 7:51amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Fri November 1, 2024 7:51am