Looking for some support
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Hi,
I can't believe this is my life and I am just looking for some support and what to expect. My husband was arrested and bailed yesterday on suspicion of viewing and sharing IIOC. 12 hours of talking and crying later he does seem to have told me the total truth about what he has done, and I believe him (I don't see that I have much choice). As far as I can tell it consists of sharing images on Kik groups and also having some images downloaded to his computer. He seems fairly sure he will be charged. I have no idea what this means in terms of possible sentencing; if anyone has any idea? I know this can take months and months. He was advised by the duty solicitor at the police station but does anyone know if it's worth paying for another solicitor? Does it make any difference?
I don't feel able to tell anyone at the moment because I don't know what I'm going to do (in terms of staying) and I don't want any advice on it from people who don't really know what's happened (I know what I would have said to a friend and it wouldn't have been nuanced). I feel like I've got it tattooed on my head but obviously I haven't. No one knows but us. Is it feasible to keep it that way until we know what the charge will be?
Any advice would be appreciated. I am a professional person and I am used to knowing exactly what to do in every situation but I am totally lost.
Thank you for reading.
I can't believe this is my life and I am just looking for some support and what to expect. My husband was arrested and bailed yesterday on suspicion of viewing and sharing IIOC. 12 hours of talking and crying later he does seem to have told me the total truth about what he has done, and I believe him (I don't see that I have much choice). As far as I can tell it consists of sharing images on Kik groups and also having some images downloaded to his computer. He seems fairly sure he will be charged. I have no idea what this means in terms of possible sentencing; if anyone has any idea? I know this can take months and months. He was advised by the duty solicitor at the police station but does anyone know if it's worth paying for another solicitor? Does it make any difference?
I don't feel able to tell anyone at the moment because I don't know what I'm going to do (in terms of staying) and I don't want any advice on it from people who don't really know what's happened (I know what I would have said to a friend and it wouldn't have been nuanced). I feel like I've got it tattooed on my head but obviously I haven't. No one knows but us. Is it feasible to keep it that way until we know what the charge will be?
Any advice would be appreciated. I am a professional person and I am used to knowing exactly what to do in every situation but I am totally lost.
Thank you for reading.
Exhausted x
These emotions are normal, it's a journey that we could never have imagined been on
For now its probably better that you keep it to yourselves for now, as its early days,
Once you know the charges that will be the time you can seek a solicitor, if at any point they police as your OH to go in as they need to speak to him make sure he has a solicitor with him(even if is a duty one)
Be prepared for the length this journey can take and more importantly you do not have to rush in to making any life changing decisions
Be kind you yourself and if you need support I would definitely reach out to the LFF helpline also your OH can call them
Sorry it's not much advise but just know we are all here for you so please keep reaching out xx
These emotions are normal, it's a journey that we could never have imagined been on
For now its probably better that you keep it to yourselves for now, as its early days,
Once you know the charges that will be the time you can seek a solicitor, if at any point they police as your OH to go in as they need to speak to him make sure he has a solicitor with him(even if is a duty one)
Be prepared for the length this journey can take and more importantly you do not have to rush in to making any life changing decisions
Be kind you yourself and if you need support I would definitely reach out to the LFF helpline also your OH can call them
Sorry it's not much advise but just know we are all here for you so please keep reaching out xx
Hi, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Sentencing is complicated. It depends on many things such as the number of images and which grade, A, B or C or a combination. A is the worst. It depends whether the person admits guilt straight away, whether they've been convicted of the same or similar before and whether they've shown any remorse. You are at the very early stage of all this. I'm my persons case, he was first convicted 7 years ago of IIOC, all grades, no prior convictions. He was sentenced to 3 years in prison and served 18 months. The other 18 months is served in the community under certain conditions with the Probation Service. He is in he register fit life. Regarding time lines, my ex was rearrested 1 1/2 years ago for the same thing. It went to the CPS 4 months ago but we still haven't heard anything. The length of time this is taking is horrendous. My ex admitted guilt straight away on both occasions. My advice to you is that you're probably in this for the long haul but it's best to expect the worst, but hope for the best. I wouldn't be telling anyone about it at the moment if I were you. You just never can tell how someone might react. Xx
Hello Exhausted,
I'm sorry you have joined us but so pleased you found support so early. My husband was also on kik, which is where the report came from, and had some stuff downloaded. You are not alone.
Some things that have helped me are: lots of rest, a leave from work (I'm back now), antidepressants, walks, podcasts, focusing on my children, family therapy, this forum, and S-anon (twelve step program like Al-Anon, but for people who are affected by another's sexual behaviour).
Things that helped my husband are joining a twelve step program (sex addicts anonymous), seeing a psychologist with lots of experience in this area, support from immediate family. The 12 step program was crucial, he met people like himself who were out the other side. This gave him hope and accountability.
Hope this helps.
I'm sorry you have joined us but so pleased you found support so early. My husband was also on kik, which is where the report came from, and had some stuff downloaded. You are not alone.
Some things that have helped me are: lots of rest, a leave from work (I'm back now), antidepressants, walks, podcasts, focusing on my children, family therapy, this forum, and S-anon (twelve step program like Al-Anon, but for people who are affected by another's sexual behaviour).
Things that helped my husband are joining a twelve step program (sex addicts anonymous), seeing a psychologist with lots of experience in this area, support from immediate family. The 12 step program was crucial, he met people like himself who were out the other side. This gave him hope and accountability.
Hope this helps.
Hello Exhausted,
Sorry you had to join us in this didicult journey! From my experience - my OH had a duty solicitor on the day of the arrest (communication) who didn't seem to understand really the gravity of the situation. She said to him to don't worry because the evidence they had was not enough....
We seek immediately for a private one who has been doing an amazing job! But if I had the opportunity to go back I would wait until charges. The solicitor cannot do much until they know what they are the charges and the evidences and those will come only after the police and CPS are ready with all investigation of devices.
If I had to suggest something is to seek for therapy if your OH has been honest with you and he has really done something wrong. We managed to find a psychotherapist from StopSo. It was one of the best decision we made, it's such a difficult experience and having someone to guide you through your emotions was a huge help and it made me feel more secure to know that my partner was committed to be better. He also wrote a very good report to court. We are not over with this experince. But hope you take care of yourself and send you a virtual hug .
Sorry you had to join us in this didicult journey! From my experience - my OH had a duty solicitor on the day of the arrest (communication) who didn't seem to understand really the gravity of the situation. She said to him to don't worry because the evidence they had was not enough....
We seek immediately for a private one who has been doing an amazing job! But if I had the opportunity to go back I would wait until charges. The solicitor cannot do much until they know what they are the charges and the evidences and those will come only after the police and CPS are ready with all investigation of devices.
If I had to suggest something is to seek for therapy if your OH has been honest with you and he has really done something wrong. We managed to find a psychotherapist from StopSo. It was one of the best decision we made, it's such a difficult experience and having someone to guide you through your emotions was a huge help and it made me feel more secure to know that my partner was committed to be better. He also wrote a very good report to court. We are not over with this experince. But hope you take care of yourself and send you a virtual hug .
Hi Exhausted, I'm sorry to know you've found yourself joining us here but well done on finding the forum and reaching out so quickly. My person is my son and we're coming up to 12 months post sentencing for communication charges so if there's anything I can help with please feel free to contact me.
The things I initially found helpful were being able to confide in a couple of very close family members, antidepressants from my GP, walks in nature and Talking therapies.
The things my son found helpful were antidepressants, a private therapist, the LFF course and contact (supervised) with his children.
My son pleaded guilty at his arrest and had the duty solicitor with him when he did this. We didn't then employ another solicitor until he'd received his charges which was about 20 months after his arrest.
I know how hard the shock and trauma is so please keep,reaching out for support and encourage your OH to do the same.
The things I initially found helpful were being able to confide in a couple of very close family members, antidepressants from my GP, walks in nature and Talking therapies.
The things my son found helpful were antidepressants, a private therapist, the LFF course and contact (supervised) with his children.
My son pleaded guilty at his arrest and had the duty solicitor with him when he did this. We didn't then employ another solicitor until he'd received his charges which was about 20 months after his arrest.
I know how hard the shock and trauma is so please keep,reaching out for support and encourage your OH to do the same.
So sorry to hear about your circumstances. I think it depends on the case but a solicitor before charges might be helpful. Obviously, if there is a clear liklihood of a charge than wait until they are brought but solicitors who are very active in the pre-charge phase can build a case against prosecution if they can convince the police or the CPS that there is a liklihood a jury wouldn't convict or that it isn't in the public interest to pursue a prosecution.
Thank you for all the advice and support, it's so nice to know there are other people in this situation.