Five years since sentencing
Notifications OFF
Hi all
Thought I should share a summary of my life five years on from when my person was sentenced, and key takes aways which I hope to can help others.
My person was arrested in 2017. Took two years for charges to be set: possession and distribution of all categories, including animal content.
The distribution was because he made a file that was available to be accessed online, but thankfully no evidence anyone accessed it.
He got two years suspended, ten years SHPO and SOR, 200 hours community service. So he is half way through the SOR/SHPO. The suspension has ended a while ago but won't be spent for another year (I believe).
In the past five years the following has happened:
Handful of visits from the police, no issues there.
Software added to his phone and laptop, arranged by the police
I had to disclose to my mum and step dad and uncle and aunt due to his no contact with under 16s. (Cousin and cousin's kids)
He had tried to get supervised access to his kids who he hasn't sent since the arrest in 2017. Despite two assessments showing low risk to his kids, and supervision seen as a good mitigation , the courts concluded due to the longevity of him not seeing them it was too detrimental to the wellbeing of the children.
Unfortunately at the time we didn't know he could have questioned the no contact clause on the SHPO, it was never explained why it was added when his offence was non-contact.
He aims to in future appeal the clause, but after the family courts he is limited in funds. Will likely be near 10k in fees (including more assessments)
I have kept the sentence from friends, I dread the day they have children. It is looking likely they will start families in the next year or two....
We have been abroad and had no issues there.
But, we had a trip to Scotland and two weeks before we went we found out the Scottish police were considering turning up to check in, while we were with friends! Thankfully they didn't come. I believe their concern was we booked a place to stay near a school....so in future we will do better checks of the local area
It has been tough, I worry a lot about the what ifs. But overall we have a somewhat normal life.
Thought I should share a summary of my life five years on from when my person was sentenced, and key takes aways which I hope to can help others.
My person was arrested in 2017. Took two years for charges to be set: possession and distribution of all categories, including animal content.
The distribution was because he made a file that was available to be accessed online, but thankfully no evidence anyone accessed it.
He got two years suspended, ten years SHPO and SOR, 200 hours community service. So he is half way through the SOR/SHPO. The suspension has ended a while ago but won't be spent for another year (I believe).
In the past five years the following has happened:
Handful of visits from the police, no issues there.
Software added to his phone and laptop, arranged by the police
I had to disclose to my mum and step dad and uncle and aunt due to his no contact with under 16s. (Cousin and cousin's kids)
He had tried to get supervised access to his kids who he hasn't sent since the arrest in 2017. Despite two assessments showing low risk to his kids, and supervision seen as a good mitigation , the courts concluded due to the longevity of him not seeing them it was too detrimental to the wellbeing of the children.
Unfortunately at the time we didn't know he could have questioned the no contact clause on the SHPO, it was never explained why it was added when his offence was non-contact.
He aims to in future appeal the clause, but after the family courts he is limited in funds. Will likely be near 10k in fees (including more assessments)
I have kept the sentence from friends, I dread the day they have children. It is looking likely they will start families in the next year or two....
We have been abroad and had no issues there.
But, we had a trip to Scotland and two weeks before we went we found out the Scottish police were considering turning up to check in, while we were with friends! Thankfully they didn't come. I believe their concern was we booked a place to stay near a school....so in future we will do better checks of the local area
It has been tough, I worry a lot about the what ifs. But overall we have a somewhat normal life.
Buckets x
Thank you so much for sharing, while this journey is a difficult one to be on your post gives us all hope x
My case is slightly different as it's my son but for so many of the ladies on here it will give then reassurance life can be good again xx
Thank you so much for sharing, while this journey is a difficult one to be on your post gives us all hope x
My case is slightly different as it's my son but for so many of the ladies on here it will give then reassurance life can be good again xx
Buckets,
Thank you for so much for sharing what life is like 5 years later. People like me really appreciate when we get to hear stories of Hope.
My husband wasn't allowed to see his kids for 10 months until we proved he was not a risk to them and had not harmed them. I think it's absolutely cruel to the children. I hope they your husband and his kids can mend their relationship in the future.
Thank you for so much for sharing what life is like 5 years later. People like me really appreciate when we get to hear stories of Hope.
My husband wasn't allowed to see his kids for 10 months until we proved he was not a risk to them and had not harmed them. I think it's absolutely cruel to the children. I hope they your husband and his kids can mend their relationship in the future.
My ex was also arrested in 2017. IIOC. He was remanded. Sentenced to 3 years in prison. Served 18 months. Police visit unannounced every 6/8 weeks. The Police Press Office put his case, photo, address etc across social media. He reoffended 2 1/2 years ago. Case went to CPS 4 months ago. I'm fully expecting another custodial. We divorced within the first year but he's very much involved in my autistic sons life. I'm broken. X
I thought you could go away within the UK without needing to notify unless it's for more than 6/7 days and where a child stays? Unless it's more lies I've been told ???? but my ex didn't get a SHPO!
I am glad things are moving on for you and your family. Can I ask if your partner has a job? My ex is struggling to find work and I relied a lot on his maintence since I've had to give up my job to stay at home
I am glad things are moving on for you and your family. Can I ask if your partner has a job? My ex is struggling to find work and I relied a lot on his maintence since I've had to give up my job to stay at home
Little robin, I'm sorry to hear that your ex has reoffended. This is always at the back of my mind. My person has done the LFF courses but never any one to one counselling to delve into why he did it personally. I hope in time he can afford to have this as I feel the course was helpful but was group based and somewhat high level. He knows if he ever does it again I'm gone.
My family that know are concerned that once he is no longer monitored he would go back to it. My plan is near the time his SHPO and SOR has ended that he does refreshers and I will have the tech installed to monitor him. The fact he did it in the first place, to me, means the risk never goes away. He has that side to him and needs to be managed.
My family that know are concerned that once he is no longer monitored he would go back to it. My plan is near the time his SHPO and SOR has ended that he does refreshers and I will have the tech installed to monitor him. The fact he did it in the first place, to me, means the risk never goes away. He has that side to him and needs to be managed.
Tiredsoul, the trip was less than 7 nights and so technically didn't need to notify. However we thought for transparency and the fact that we do sometimes get unannounced visits we thought best to let the police know.
We told them months in advance, it was annoying to hear there were concerns so close to the trip. It put us on edge.
We have now decided to not notify unless it is needed. We do lots of trips around the UK, mostlyess than 7 days. The clause for the seven nights is regardless of there are children present. I believe would have to notify any nights with children present (on the SOR). But the SHPO says no contact with under 16s (unless with parents and SS permission), so this clause kinda trumps the SOR.
We have an agreement that my person can come to family events with my cousin, who is now 17 so no longer an issue. It was awkward disclosing to my aunt and uncle. They were surprisingly somewhat 'ok' with it on the grounds my partner was supervised. Which would be the case as we only see them at family events so many people around. What upset them the most was that SS had to get involved. SS at first wanted to interview my cousin, which the parents refused. So we thought we would have to keep my partner away until cousin was 17. But in the end SS signed off as ok due to the fact we all agreed to only allow contact in family event settings. And the fact he was near 16 at the time and generally aware of inappropriate behaviour.
In regards to Jobs. My partner did lose his job at arrest, worked in public sector. While he was awaiting charges he worked in construction, at very low pay. Once he was charged and sentenced there was nothing in his contract to say he had to disclose. Police didn't push him to do so. Some police officers think all offenders should disclose regardless, thankfully my person's didn't take his approach.
His work suspected, because he had to refuse a DBS check. Tbh he worked with people with convictions of other kinds, the employers knew in that line of work there would be those with offences. Thankfully they never asked the details, and just accepted his response which was 'i will fail the basic DBS'.
Once sentenced he went to look for better work. He does have a degree in civil engineering, and found a job with a small company that never asked at application, interview or in the contract. So pay has been alot better, but he can never apply for the bigger companies that pay far better.
If he is ever asked out right if he has convictions he has to disclose. Thankfully he hasn't been asked for a DBS in his latest role. His sentence will be spent in summer 2027. We will need to check if he will need to disclose the SOR and SHPO. But our hopes he can apply for the bigger jobs once the sentence itself is spent.
My advice is your ex should look for small companies with very limited access to the general public. He may need to retrain or re do some qualifications perhaps. I suspect retail and hospitality will be difficult.
My partner ofc has to pay for his children, so it was very hard for him when on minimum wage as he did feel guilty that he went from the bread winner on ok wage, to minimum wage and leaving his ex to be a single mum. He hopes to get better pay in future to support them. He makes the minimum payments for child support, but it isn't clear if this is enough. The mother hasn't asked for more other than for school supplies on occasion.
We told them months in advance, it was annoying to hear there were concerns so close to the trip. It put us on edge.
We have now decided to not notify unless it is needed. We do lots of trips around the UK, mostlyess than 7 days. The clause for the seven nights is regardless of there are children present. I believe would have to notify any nights with children present (on the SOR). But the SHPO says no contact with under 16s (unless with parents and SS permission), so this clause kinda trumps the SOR.
We have an agreement that my person can come to family events with my cousin, who is now 17 so no longer an issue. It was awkward disclosing to my aunt and uncle. They were surprisingly somewhat 'ok' with it on the grounds my partner was supervised. Which would be the case as we only see them at family events so many people around. What upset them the most was that SS had to get involved. SS at first wanted to interview my cousin, which the parents refused. So we thought we would have to keep my partner away until cousin was 17. But in the end SS signed off as ok due to the fact we all agreed to only allow contact in family event settings. And the fact he was near 16 at the time and generally aware of inappropriate behaviour.
In regards to Jobs. My partner did lose his job at arrest, worked in public sector. While he was awaiting charges he worked in construction, at very low pay. Once he was charged and sentenced there was nothing in his contract to say he had to disclose. Police didn't push him to do so. Some police officers think all offenders should disclose regardless, thankfully my person's didn't take his approach.
His work suspected, because he had to refuse a DBS check. Tbh he worked with people with convictions of other kinds, the employers knew in that line of work there would be those with offences. Thankfully they never asked the details, and just accepted his response which was 'i will fail the basic DBS'.
Once sentenced he went to look for better work. He does have a degree in civil engineering, and found a job with a small company that never asked at application, interview or in the contract. So pay has been alot better, but he can never apply for the bigger companies that pay far better.
If he is ever asked out right if he has convictions he has to disclose. Thankfully he hasn't been asked for a DBS in his latest role. His sentence will be spent in summer 2027. We will need to check if he will need to disclose the SOR and SHPO. But our hopes he can apply for the bigger jobs once the sentence itself is spent.
My advice is your ex should look for small companies with very limited access to the general public. He may need to retrain or re do some qualifications perhaps. I suspect retail and hospitality will be difficult.
My partner ofc has to pay for his children, so it was very hard for him when on minimum wage as he did feel guilty that he went from the bread winner on ok wage, to minimum wage and leaving his ex to be a single mum. He hopes to get better pay in future to support them. He makes the minimum payments for child support, but it isn't clear if this is enough. The mother hasn't asked for more other than for school supplies on occasion.