Advice on staying together as a couple
Notifications OFF
Hi everyone,
I've been a lurker for a while, this is my first post. reading others experiences here has been comforting as I've not had anyone to talk to about any of this. It's been helpful to try and help understand what we are currently going through and my biggest question is how do / can you stay in the couple?
I'm struggling with this just now. I feel that my beliefs have been compromised but I do want to support my OH ans have been trying to treat him with kindness.
We had the knock 15months ago where the police came and took all of our devices and computers from the house. I was bewildered at the time and couldn't believe it. Initially the OH said it was a mistake.
Last month the police rang and were very casual and matey on the phone saying they'd like to chat with us and could we let them know a suitabke time. Of course life being life, a couple of days had past and didn't get a chance to arrange a suitable time, when as we were leaving for work one morning, they turned up and arrested my OH.
That was an extremely stressful day for both of us, but especially for my OH who has a range of mental health conditions, he is awaiting treatment for.
He has been summoned to court which is happening this week..
The other day I told him I need space to work out how I feel about us
I want to support him during this, but it is so painful.
I'd love to hear any advice on how you managed to stay / be supportive or leave and still support your person
Thanks for reading
I've been a lurker for a while, this is my first post. reading others experiences here has been comforting as I've not had anyone to talk to about any of this. It's been helpful to try and help understand what we are currently going through and my biggest question is how do / can you stay in the couple?
I'm struggling with this just now. I feel that my beliefs have been compromised but I do want to support my OH ans have been trying to treat him with kindness.
We had the knock 15months ago where the police came and took all of our devices and computers from the house. I was bewildered at the time and couldn't believe it. Initially the OH said it was a mistake.
Last month the police rang and were very casual and matey on the phone saying they'd like to chat with us and could we let them know a suitabke time. Of course life being life, a couple of days had past and didn't get a chance to arrange a suitable time, when as we were leaving for work one morning, they turned up and arrested my OH.
That was an extremely stressful day for both of us, but especially for my OH who has a range of mental health conditions, he is awaiting treatment for.
He has been summoned to court which is happening this week..
The other day I told him I need space to work out how I feel about us
I want to support him during this, but it is so painful.
I'd love to hear any advice on how you managed to stay / be supportive or leave and still support your person
Thanks for reading
Hi, I'm sorry you find yourself in a position you did not choose.
For me, I knew very shortly after his arrest that we could no longer live as a couple. He'd lead a lie for decades, marrying me and having children. We divorced within the first year, however, I did support him for our 4 kids sakes. The knock was 7 years ago now. However, he was rearrested 2 1/2 years ago for exactly the same thing. I honestly believed he would never put us through that again. He has and it's broken me. The case still hasn't gone to court so we are living on a knife edge. I know now he will always prioritise this over us. I don't know how anyone could be realistically expected to live like that. I hope you find a way though and that you can make peace with your decision. X
For me, I knew very shortly after his arrest that we could no longer live as a couple. He'd lead a lie for decades, marrying me and having children. We divorced within the first year, however, I did support him for our 4 kids sakes. The knock was 7 years ago now. However, he was rearrested 2 1/2 years ago for exactly the same thing. I honestly believed he would never put us through that again. He has and it's broken me. The case still hasn't gone to court so we are living on a knife edge. I know now he will always prioritise this over us. I don't know how anyone could be realistically expected to live like that. I hope you find a way though and that you can make peace with your decision. X
I think the first thing is there is no time limit on a decision. Though many know instantly they are going to leave or stay many are like me. I am 2 years post sentencing and i still dont know what i want to do. This forum has taught me that to make no decision is a decision. So for now i am going with that.
I think it is just take it a day at a time and no decision is final. So if you decide to leave, then there is no rule that later on you cant get back together and vice versa. Just be kind to yourself and make decisions when you are ready.
sending a virual hug. X
I think it is just take it a day at a time and no decision is final. So if you decide to leave, then there is no rule that later on you cant get back together and vice versa. Just be kind to yourself and make decisions when you are ready.
sending a virual hug. X
Hi there
I recently did a post on a summary of five years on from the sentencing. I have been with my partner for seven years following his arrest. Feel free to look at my past posts, all made following the sentence because I didn't know of this forum until he met his probation officer.
It is tough, and I would suggest thinking about whether you want children because having children with an offender is hard. I was told if we had a child my partner would need to be away for the first two years and supervised.
Has he got a copy of the SHPO yet? My partner has a no contact clause which means anyone having kids in my family and friends would need to have disclosure and SS sign off on contact. This is the hardest part for me because I'm certain people in our lives would cut us both off, especially if I stay.
My personal reasons for staying is I see the effort he has made in rehabilitation. But I know be will always be a risk. I do feel awkward when we are children in a public setting. Makes me feel guilty and sorry for the parents who don't know their kids are 'around' an offender.
Also consider if you will be ok with your Comms being shared with police. When they come for visits they go through our messages to each other.
I have got used to keeping it from people, but isn't nice feeling I'm living a lie. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in person.
I recently did a post on a summary of five years on from the sentencing. I have been with my partner for seven years following his arrest. Feel free to look at my past posts, all made following the sentence because I didn't know of this forum until he met his probation officer.
It is tough, and I would suggest thinking about whether you want children because having children with an offender is hard. I was told if we had a child my partner would need to be away for the first two years and supervised.
Has he got a copy of the SHPO yet? My partner has a no contact clause which means anyone having kids in my family and friends would need to have disclosure and SS sign off on contact. This is the hardest part for me because I'm certain people in our lives would cut us both off, especially if I stay.
My personal reasons for staying is I see the effort he has made in rehabilitation. But I know be will always be a risk. I do feel awkward when we are children in a public setting. Makes me feel guilty and sorry for the parents who don't know their kids are 'around' an offender.
Also consider if you will be ok with your Comms being shared with police. When they come for visits they go through our messages to each other.
I have got used to keeping it from people, but isn't nice feeling I'm living a lie. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in person.
Hello,
I am still with my husband. I have had to separate him from what he did. I am horrified by what he did and will never be okay with it. I told him early on that the only way I could stay was if he accepted full responsibility for his actions. That means we don't minimize or rationalize the behaviors. They happened. He is pleading guilty later this month and will accept the legal consequences. He has also been working on his own understanding with a specialized psychologist and a 12-step group. He knows he will be part of this 12-step group for the rest of his life. It provides hope and accountability. I think the reason I have been able to stay is because I see him working so hard. We also had a pretty good marriage beforehand, so I think we had a good base to work off.
You don't have to make a decision right away and the decision is yours and yours alone.
I am still with my husband. I have had to separate him from what he did. I am horrified by what he did and will never be okay with it. I told him early on that the only way I could stay was if he accepted full responsibility for his actions. That means we don't minimize or rationalize the behaviors. They happened. He is pleading guilty later this month and will accept the legal consequences. He has also been working on his own understanding with a specialized psychologist and a 12-step group. He knows he will be part of this 12-step group for the rest of his life. It provides hope and accountability. I think the reason I have been able to stay is because I see him working so hard. We also had a pretty good marriage beforehand, so I think we had a good base to work off.
You don't have to make a decision right away and the decision is yours and yours alone.
At the moment I'm staying. I trust in what he's saying he did, how he got there, how he feels about it etc. I believe his remorse and his commitment to it never happing again. He is the person I know best in the world other than myself, but although I trust him, you can never really know everything about another person and obviously I didn't know this was happening before (although I did always gave a feeling he was keeping *something* from me).
Im choosing to help and support him because he has been there for me for the years before, because he is still the kind and caring man I know, because he is my best friend, and -crucially- because choosing to stay and keep that bit of my life the same is something I CAN control in this new uncertain world we find ourselves in.
I believe that good people can make bad choices, and that the worst thing about someone shouldn't define them. Ultimately, only time will tell whether our relationship can survive the changes that are happening, and whether I can trust him enough.
In the mean time, I'm taking one day at a time and making sure I don't spiral into the world of what could have been/ why/ what ifs etc.
Im choosing to help and support him because he has been there for me for the years before, because he is still the kind and caring man I know, because he is my best friend, and -crucially- because choosing to stay and keep that bit of my life the same is something I CAN control in this new uncertain world we find ourselves in.
I believe that good people can make bad choices, and that the worst thing about someone shouldn't define them. Ultimately, only time will tell whether our relationship can survive the changes that are happening, and whether I can trust him enough.
In the mean time, I'm taking one day at a time and making sure I don't spiral into the world of what could have been/ why/ what ifs etc.
I tried for almost a year to keep my marriage going but ultimately the trust and respect had gone.
I am slowly trying to rebuild my life - still have a long way to go trying to exttracate myself from a very long marriage.
I didn't do anything wrong. I don't deserve to feel so awful. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life is starting to look more promising. It won't be easy - but I finally believe I'm strong enough.
I am slowly trying to rebuild my life - still have a long way to go trying to exttracate myself from a very long marriage.
I didn't do anything wrong. I don't deserve to feel so awful. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life is starting to look more promising. It won't be easy - but I finally believe I'm strong enough.
I'm still with my OH, 3 months since knock. Ive walked away and come back twice in that time. My family know about his offending and are appalled and want for me to separate immediately. I've lied to them at this point and told them he has moved in with his parents as they were ruthless expressing their thoughts. I've had deep conversation with my OH since this and while he says he will do the work necessary, I still see him dragging his feet which doesn't impress taking responsibility. He swears that it will never happen again and I'd like to trust that. I'm taking 1 day at a time and he knows he has a long way to regain my trust. Overall I don't want to walk away from our life. We were happy and while I did know there was secrets I didn't delve enough. I feel now that at least now I know what he was keeping hidden and his phone now is open and I can check anytime. I'm still very upset but we have a long road ahead to sentencing, and my biggest fear about this is the media as we live in a tiny village and his elder parents live next door. I so hope they never hear about this as they would be so ashamed and because they have lived here all their lives. It would potentially destroy their long standing high ranking in our community. My only advice is take one day at a time and fill your free moments with things you enjoy. Hugs x