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What to tell my children

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Lost mum 24

Member since
September 2024

2 posts

Posted Fri September 6, 2024 8:57amReport post

I need some help please. My husband was arrested 2 days ago accused of making indecent images. We have two young children , 7 and 9. My husband can have supervised access but can't stay at our home. Previously he has never really stayed away from home.
I've told my kids that daddy has gone away with work at the moment but this is obviously not a long term solution as I know this is going to be a long process.

what have you told your children? What can I say to them that explains that their dad won't be sleeping in the house again but might see them but that I will always be there too? They are constantly asking 'where is daddy?'. I know this is going to break their hearts and I need some help how to manage it.
thank you so much in advance. I'm in hell.

Bondi

Member since
December 2023

50 posts

Posted Fri September 6, 2024 2:12pmReport post

Hi, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this chaos!

My son was 8 when dad was arrested, not present at arrest, he is very back and white and knew something was amiss. initially I said he had gone to visit family. This gave me time to process everything, my son really started to struggle acting out, I eventually told him dad had done naughty things on the pc, looking at inappropriate things so the police are deciding what his consequences will be. And until that point dad cannot be alone with them or he would return to live in this house. I coincided this with looking online and chatting about Internet safety.

I've kept school informed and they have a counsellor who checks in on son as he goes through this journey. He's had ups and downs and alot to do with how his dad has reacted since arrest and not bothered to see him for months.

As he is getting older I will have to give more information and dread the day I tell the full story - I am hoping to put this off as long as possible.

There's no rush to decide what to tell them, give yourself time to process, be gentle with yourself.x

Holdingthegrenade

Member since
June 2024

105 posts

Posted Fri September 6, 2024 11:27pmReport post

Mine is 9 (was 8 when we had to explain).

Social services said we had to tell them the truth in order to protect them. So we said dad was helping the police, and that they'd been talking to someone they didn't know online (explained about stranger danger, not giving personal info online, people pretending to be someone else etc; which they'd done at school already). The police were worried dad didn't know how to be safe online and needed to check the person hadn't broken the rules or asked dad to break the rules and that it might take time to sort out because they were very busy. Whilst the grown ups were sorting this out dad wasn't allowed to live with us but they could see him so long as other grown ups were around just to check everyone was safe and happy.



Hope that helps x

Lost mum 24

Member since
September 2024

2 posts

Posted Sat September 7, 2024 7:08amReport post

Thanks so much for your replies. I think I definitely need to say something to my son as he knows something is amiss. What did you tell your children in terms of them telling others? I don't want to tell them to keep secrets but I also don't want them telling everyone at school...

Do you say something along the lines of these are the trusted people you can talk to about this??

Sad&Scared

Member since
January 2024

55 posts

Posted Sat September 7, 2024 10:10amReport post

My strong advice, based partly on my own childhood experiences, is please please be honest.

My two boys were 8 and 11 when this all started a year ago (we're now in the waiting on forensics limbo) and I told them both immediately in an age appropriate way. I did also tell them that their dad insisted he was innocent of what he was being investigated for, but that he had admitted to other sexual things which were legal but completely wrong (it came out immediately that he'd been sex chatting etc with people online for years, with some meet ups). I was really honest that the process would be very long and we wouldn't have answers for a long time, and that their dad wouldn't be living with us. I got in touch with both their schools straightaway (both were incredibly supportive) and made sure the boys both knew that there was someone who could talk to at school. I also told a small circle of people who know us all well - again the boys know they know. I did have to explain to them that they couldn't tell other people about the investigation, just to say that mum and dad have separated and their dad has moved out. Thats worked fine over the past year and I think its good they do have people other than me they can talk to. It's also meant that SS see the kids are safeguarded and have been relatively hands off. We were signed off CIN quickly and I'm allowed to be sole supervisor. 'OH' to his credit has been on board with all this throughout - he has explained to the kids that he's sorry and that him not living with us etc is his fault, although he's still insisting he was sent one thing he instantly deleted blah blah.

I took this approach because my own childhood was overshadowed by lies by adults, some completely self-serving, some intended to protect me (the latter mostly related to my mother's longstanding alcohol issues) and even the well-intented ones did huge harm to my ability to trust and the relationships in our family, harm which I still live with. The sad reality is that this will likely drag on for years and SS involvement won't stop even the investigation is dropped. And from a safeguarding POV you can't assume your OH is risk-free, which is the hardest aspect. Also kids are much better at figuring things out than we think. If you're as open as possible from the start you'll have their trust for life - if they look back in their teens or adulthood and know serious things were kept from them, you won't. Because they will remember and will look back at all this through adult eyes.

Sad&Scared

Member since
January 2024

55 posts

Posted Sat September 7, 2024 10:16amReport post

Just to add, my two are doing really well and we've settled into life as a family of three. I goes against the advice here, but I'm glad they have a good circle of people around them in the know (both sides of the family all know). They actually still have a good relationship with their dad, although they've been both open about feeling angry with him sometimes. I do worry about how betrayed they'll feel if it turns out he's lying, but sadly I can't control that. And I also worry about the media, but at least if it all goes public I can already point to friends, teachers etc who've known right from the start and still love them whatever and I just hope that will help them brush off any idiots.

Holdingthegrenade

Member since
June 2024

105 posts

Posted Thu September 12, 2024 4:05pmReport post

Lostmum

We told our child that if they are upset or worried or they can talk to or ask a friend to get a trusted grown up; they are the ones who understand and can help, and it's the grown ups who will be working to sort things out.

The "trusted grown ups" are all those who know what's going on.

Lrf

Member since
July 2024

2 posts

Posted Sat September 21, 2024 7:48pmReport post

At first I told my younger two 4 and 5 that he had to go away with work and I told my older two 10, 11 that he had done something very bad that hurt some children. My younger two really struggled with the away at work thing and asked me 'why can't he ring' 'he doesn't miss me because he doesn't ring' and we had hours and hours of crying every night and I just felt I really couldnt answer their questions on a lie. I saw a counsellor who said, what I had suspected, that I should in an age appropriate way give a more truthful context so I let them know daddy had done a really bad thing that had hurt someone and he had to go away and prove to the police that he's sorry and that he's not going to hurt anyone else. He was arrested on IIOC but to me I think it is accurate that this crime does hurt it's victims. We don't live together and he has no contact with the children, I've found the clean break much healthier for them than the rollercoaster of visits and possibly losing him to prison eventually. I feel like that would only be in his interest and would cause too much ups and downs around visits that would interrupt their lives.