I'm just so afraid, SS worries
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Hi, it feels like forever since I've been on here, but I've just hit such a new low.
My OH went to court both Magistrates and Crown got his sentencing, and admittedly I was the happiest I felt in a long time with the outcome, yes it was suspended sentence, no community service or fine (which I was really shocked at). I felt relieved to finally have it over and done with, that I could actually look to the future more positively.
Then we had our latest CPP meeting and yeah, my child is STILL on the plan, the only professional having any negative issues being SS, despite me giving evidence of their lack of professionalisim and lies, my complaints were ignored and child remains on the CPP. I was devastated, and it sent me spiralling back into depression, but I tried to pick up the pieces and carry on. Next my SW tells me that they're looking at "legal advice" but never gave me an answer what for, it's only been recently that they said it may go to PLO- and that is why I'm here again now.
I asked what was the chances of it going that far and with a smile that they couldn't tell me (I get it but for goodness sake). I know that I have thought of separation from my OH, but we have tried to work on our relationship, but if it escalated to PLO, then I will have no choice but to divorce because I will not lose my child. The thing is SS hasn't even concidered a safety plan if my OH was to move in, we haven't had an assessment. I just now feel blackmailed into separation now and my head is just spiralling, I'm just so scared. They tell me not to worry about it, to not let it consume me but how can I just ignore it when it affects my LIFE? I just want a normal family, to for once not live in fear.
I've never felt this close to the end of my tether, and they don't seem to care, my OH was sentenced months ago and they still drag their heels and leave me in the dark until they decide that they want to spring things on me with no notice.
If it goes to PLO, then I don't know what to do.
My OH went to court both Magistrates and Crown got his sentencing, and admittedly I was the happiest I felt in a long time with the outcome, yes it was suspended sentence, no community service or fine (which I was really shocked at). I felt relieved to finally have it over and done with, that I could actually look to the future more positively.
Then we had our latest CPP meeting and yeah, my child is STILL on the plan, the only professional having any negative issues being SS, despite me giving evidence of their lack of professionalisim and lies, my complaints were ignored and child remains on the CPP. I was devastated, and it sent me spiralling back into depression, but I tried to pick up the pieces and carry on. Next my SW tells me that they're looking at "legal advice" but never gave me an answer what for, it's only been recently that they said it may go to PLO- and that is why I'm here again now.
I asked what was the chances of it going that far and with a smile that they couldn't tell me (I get it but for goodness sake). I know that I have thought of separation from my OH, but we have tried to work on our relationship, but if it escalated to PLO, then I will have no choice but to divorce because I will not lose my child. The thing is SS hasn't even concidered a safety plan if my OH was to move in, we haven't had an assessment. I just now feel blackmailed into separation now and my head is just spiralling, I'm just so scared. They tell me not to worry about it, to not let it consume me but how can I just ignore it when it affects my LIFE? I just want a normal family, to for once not live in fear.
I've never felt this close to the end of my tether, and they don't seem to care, my OH was sentenced months ago and they still drag their heels and leave me in the dark until they decide that they want to spring things on me with no notice.
If it goes to PLO, then I don't know what to do.
Hi,
what assessments have been done? Have you had any PLO paperwork? My understanding is that the reason for escalating should be within the paperwork. Do you have the minutes from each CPP meeting? It sounds to me like ss don't know what to do in your case so they are essentially pushing the decision onto someone else. Have probation or offender manager voiced any safeguarding concerns? It's also important to know what your husband's risk level is assessed to be by probation or an independent assessment as this coupled with your capability to protect should form a large part of ss planning.
Are they offering any kind of support or things that need to happen in order to move forward and move away from their involvement? xx
what assessments have been done? Have you had any PLO paperwork? My understanding is that the reason for escalating should be within the paperwork. Do you have the minutes from each CPP meeting? It sounds to me like ss don't know what to do in your case so they are essentially pushing the decision onto someone else. Have probation or offender manager voiced any safeguarding concerns? It's also important to know what your husband's risk level is assessed to be by probation or an independent assessment as this coupled with your capability to protect should form a large part of ss planning.
Are they offering any kind of support or things that need to happen in order to move forward and move away from their involvement? xx
Hey, I am right at the end of my interactions with Child Services.
I found this organisation really helpful but you must NOT be already receiving legal advice. https://childlawadvice.org.uk/
You can set up a webchat with them, and your chat history remains there so you do not need to keep going over things again. They will give you legal advice for free. You can also pay a small amount for pre-booked phone calls. I didnt do this but it might be worth it.
My case was simpler becasue 1) I was a serious PITA with them and kept standing up for myself, but also 2) I didnt involve them until I had completed the CIRCLES - Breaking the Cycle course from which you get a written report stating your understanding of the offending behaviour and capacity to protect your children (it is NOT a risk assessment), plus my persons Forensic Risk Assessment which found him Low Risk.
We formally seperated throughout this period we did these courses and assessments. If you love each other - you can take some time out to do all this. It will also show them you are putting your children first over him.
There are a couple of guidance notes for Child Services that are useful reads. One from the Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse called Supporting Parents and Carers. One from Huddersfield University who did a study on NOPs. I used this to defend myself and protect our relationship.
I found this organisation really helpful but you must NOT be already receiving legal advice. https://childlawadvice.org.uk/
You can set up a webchat with them, and your chat history remains there so you do not need to keep going over things again. They will give you legal advice for free. You can also pay a small amount for pre-booked phone calls. I didnt do this but it might be worth it.
My case was simpler becasue 1) I was a serious PITA with them and kept standing up for myself, but also 2) I didnt involve them until I had completed the CIRCLES - Breaking the Cycle course from which you get a written report stating your understanding of the offending behaviour and capacity to protect your children (it is NOT a risk assessment), plus my persons Forensic Risk Assessment which found him Low Risk.
We formally seperated throughout this period we did these courses and assessments. If you love each other - you can take some time out to do all this. It will also show them you are putting your children first over him.
There are a couple of guidance notes for Child Services that are useful reads. One from the Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse called Supporting Parents and Carers. One from Huddersfield University who did a study on NOPs. I used this to defend myself and protect our relationship.
Also, can you find your locak authority CS proceedures guidelines online. This may also be useful to read.
For example they HAVE to tell you WHY everything is happening. It sounds like they are not making that clear.
For example they HAVE to tell you WHY everything is happening. It sounds like they are not making that clear.
Also! Have you written your own Safety Plan? And can you get a forensic risk assessment done on your partner? Can you afford it? If not, I do belive CS should fund it, but they may not have the money. If there is no assessment of his risk, on what grounds are they taking it from CPP to PLO. I thought at CPP this was the assessments were done. Ask these questions to the child law advise service.
Thanks for the replies,
So far the only assessment that's been done has been on my OH has been by probation, everything has been considered low risk except if he is isolated with Internet access then it's a medium risk. It doesn't help that he is in denial about it all even now but now that he FINALLY has people working with him i.e probation and offending officer that genuinely seem to want to support him then hopefully he will open up to them because at the minute ss is making him clam up even more. I've had no letter or any update at all but the fact that my sw mentioned that it could be a possibility had made me fear the worst.
It honestly wouldn't surprise me that my sw just wants to palm us off to someone else through the time I've had them (they're my 3rd sw- just about to get my 4th) they've been utterly useless, they know very well that I suffer with severe anxiety/depression and either doesn't know how to work with someone like that or uses it to their advantage. I've done the LFF inform course by their suggestion only to be told that it isn't enough and I'd be more than happy to do even pay for courses and assessments but I get the impression that if it was to do that it still wouldn't be enough in their eyes.
Every professional I've worked with, especially my OHs probation officer can't understand why they have been so harsh with us and they're fighting to try to get us to be a normal family. They've all seen that my child is happy & healthy, and has a brilliant relationship with their dad I never thought it would go to this extreme.
So far the only assessment that's been done has been on my OH has been by probation, everything has been considered low risk except if he is isolated with Internet access then it's a medium risk. It doesn't help that he is in denial about it all even now but now that he FINALLY has people working with him i.e probation and offending officer that genuinely seem to want to support him then hopefully he will open up to them because at the minute ss is making him clam up even more. I've had no letter or any update at all but the fact that my sw mentioned that it could be a possibility had made me fear the worst.
It honestly wouldn't surprise me that my sw just wants to palm us off to someone else through the time I've had them (they're my 3rd sw- just about to get my 4th) they've been utterly useless, they know very well that I suffer with severe anxiety/depression and either doesn't know how to work with someone like that or uses it to their advantage. I've done the LFF inform course by their suggestion only to be told that it isn't enough and I'd be more than happy to do even pay for courses and assessments but I get the impression that if it was to do that it still wouldn't be enough in their eyes.
Every professional I've worked with, especially my OHs probation officer can't understand why they have been so harsh with us and they're fighting to try to get us to be a normal family. They've all seen that my child is happy & healthy, and has a brilliant relationship with their dad I never thought it would go to this extreme.
Is this because your partner is in denial about everything, and not engaging?
In our situation, my partner took full responsibility and offered up everything to me and his family - full disclosure. He commissioned an independent risk assessment. I did the Inform course and the Circles course. The latter is better as they give you a report for child services and court if needed. I seem to recal they may (do check) attend meetings with child services. It is free (they are lottery funded), and you get up to 20 hours therapy/councelling. I dont know what area you are in but look up CIRCLES - breaking the cycle.
And your partner needs to engage fully and accept full responsibility. How can you fully assess the risk if you dont know everything, and the authorities need to have no reason to doubt he is telling the truth. He has to, for you and your family.
In our situation, my partner took full responsibility and offered up everything to me and his family - full disclosure. He commissioned an independent risk assessment. I did the Inform course and the Circles course. The latter is better as they give you a report for child services and court if needed. I seem to recal they may (do check) attend meetings with child services. It is free (they are lottery funded), and you get up to 20 hours therapy/councelling. I dont know what area you are in but look up CIRCLES - breaking the cycle.
And your partner needs to engage fully and accept full responsibility. How can you fully assess the risk if you dont know everything, and the authorities need to have no reason to doubt he is telling the truth. He has to, for you and your family.
I know Bea, it's incredibly frustrating for myself that I know he's in denial but won't admit to it. He does engage, but with ss they've always been incredibly negative with the both of us which I think has pushed him more into his denial. This is why I'm hoping the courses that he's recently started they're more equipped to get him away from denial.
Don't get me wrong there's days where I wish I could slap him and tell him that denial is making things worse. But I know that won't help, circles is definitely something that I will look into ASAP. Hopefully I should have more of an update for us as I have an upcoming meeting with them
Don't get me wrong there's days where I wish I could slap him and tell him that denial is making things worse. But I know that won't help, circles is definitely something that I will look into ASAP. Hopefully I should have more of an update for us as I have an upcoming meeting with them
Tryingtokeephope
let us know how you get on lovely.
sorry if this turns into a bit of a rant but.....Of all the things in this process including the knock day. I find the SS meetings much more daunting & stressful than the thought of conviction, sentencing or even the press. I'm sick all day when I have an appointment with them and have to jump through hoops to attend meetings organised last minute (with no idea what they're about) then they regularly cancel with 15minutes notice. I never get anything in writing or any timescales or expectations of what happens next. I still don't have a copy of the family plan....we ended up writing our own. They don't give any resources advice or referrals to help or prepare us for what might be coming, we often have to go out of our way to find out stuff for ourselves. It feels like they're making it up as they go along (it's probably because the legal process takes so long they can't make any decisions or timescales).
I have to keep repeating myself and reminding them as they always seem to have to ask for our address, family names, forgetting details I've told them or repeating them back to me wrong and we've been meeting them and speaking regularly for months. Again it's probably workload and the nature of it but in my job I'd be disciplined for being constantly late, unprepared & getting key details wrong in meetings. Its a lot to cope with on top of everything else the non-offending parent has to put up with.
Im hoping and assuming this isn't everyone's experience but that is mine
let us know how you get on lovely.
sorry if this turns into a bit of a rant but.....Of all the things in this process including the knock day. I find the SS meetings much more daunting & stressful than the thought of conviction, sentencing or even the press. I'm sick all day when I have an appointment with them and have to jump through hoops to attend meetings organised last minute (with no idea what they're about) then they regularly cancel with 15minutes notice. I never get anything in writing or any timescales or expectations of what happens next. I still don't have a copy of the family plan....we ended up writing our own. They don't give any resources advice or referrals to help or prepare us for what might be coming, we often have to go out of our way to find out stuff for ourselves. It feels like they're making it up as they go along (it's probably because the legal process takes so long they can't make any decisions or timescales).
I have to keep repeating myself and reminding them as they always seem to have to ask for our address, family names, forgetting details I've told them or repeating them back to me wrong and we've been meeting them and speaking regularly for months. Again it's probably workload and the nature of it but in my job I'd be disciplined for being constantly late, unprepared & getting key details wrong in meetings. Its a lot to cope with on top of everything else the non-offending parent has to put up with.
Im hoping and assuming this isn't everyone's experience but that is mine
Holdingthegrenade please rant all you want,
unfortunately my experience with SS has near enough been identical to yours, I have a new SW now and they seem nice but because of my past experience with them I'm extremely guarded- I totally get why they're needed but with the discrepancies and outright lies I've seen on reports I simply can't trust them.
I understand that they couldn't make an outright decision before sentencing but the impression that I got was they or at the very least my previous SW wanted to jump straight to legal action, they've made no attempts of looking at a plan might look like for my OH to even move back in with us at my parents' home so he'd be under even more supervision and there would be more eyes to watch our child. While I haven't had any paperwork, the sheer fact that my previous SW mentioned PLO and the stages of it has just sent my mind loopy- they know this and showed that they didn't care.
from as it stands where we are now i.e. my OH not even living with us I just can't see why they want to look at PLO, every professional that I've worked with has said how happy, healthy and thriving my child is, that my parenting and even my OH's parenting is excellent. They won't give me any information and while yes I'm grateful to have a new SW it just feels as if we're starting all over again but with much higher stakes.
I honestly think with the way I and from what I've heard so many other people have been treated SS needs a massive shake up and a hell of a lot more training. Sorry to hear you've had a negative experience too xx
unfortunately my experience with SS has near enough been identical to yours, I have a new SW now and they seem nice but because of my past experience with them I'm extremely guarded- I totally get why they're needed but with the discrepancies and outright lies I've seen on reports I simply can't trust them.
I understand that they couldn't make an outright decision before sentencing but the impression that I got was they or at the very least my previous SW wanted to jump straight to legal action, they've made no attempts of looking at a plan might look like for my OH to even move back in with us at my parents' home so he'd be under even more supervision and there would be more eyes to watch our child. While I haven't had any paperwork, the sheer fact that my previous SW mentioned PLO and the stages of it has just sent my mind loopy- they know this and showed that they didn't care.
from as it stands where we are now i.e. my OH not even living with us I just can't see why they want to look at PLO, every professional that I've worked with has said how happy, healthy and thriving my child is, that my parenting and even my OH's parenting is excellent. They won't give me any information and while yes I'm grateful to have a new SW it just feels as if we're starting all over again but with much higher stakes.
I honestly think with the way I and from what I've heard so many other people have been treated SS needs a massive shake up and a hell of a lot more training. Sorry to hear you've had a negative experience too xx
I often wonder whether they don't have the training or knowledge available for how to handle online offenders compared to actual contact and those who don't fit the "typical" stereotype of offenders I.e. good parents, good person in every other aspect of their life but this...
I suspect from reading between the lines there's a really bad case where a child has been harmed whilst they were already involved in my area recently that has made them go a bit more heavy handed (LFF helpline suggested this too).
Deep breaths.....we know we're good parents and good people trying our best. If only there was a definitive way to prove it, and we knew what that was.
I suspect from reading between the lines there's a really bad case where a child has been harmed whilst they were already involved in my area recently that has made them go a bit more heavy handed (LFF helpline suggested this too).
Deep breaths.....we know we're good parents and good people trying our best. If only there was a definitive way to prove it, and we knew what that was.