Help with Family
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Hello
I've recently had to tell my family about my O/H due to press reporting. They didn't take it very well which I fully understand. However, one has really taken it badly, saying O/H has made mugs of the family, what else has he done that he's not telling us about, has he only stopped because he got caught plus much more. They clearly want me to leave my O/H (still undecided what to do). Every time I tried to say something, all they kept saying was how this was affecting them! And they dont want anything to do with my O/H (O/H was called a few names etc).
I don't want to lose my family but I want to try and rebuild a life with my O/H but I really don't know what to do.
i had so much clear in my head, have started counselling which is helping but one phone call from a family member has pushed me over the edge and I don't know what to do. Sorry for ranting, wanted to get my thoughts out of my head.. x
I've recently had to tell my family about my O/H due to press reporting. They didn't take it very well which I fully understand. However, one has really taken it badly, saying O/H has made mugs of the family, what else has he done that he's not telling us about, has he only stopped because he got caught plus much more. They clearly want me to leave my O/H (still undecided what to do). Every time I tried to say something, all they kept saying was how this was affecting them! And they dont want anything to do with my O/H (O/H was called a few names etc).
I don't want to lose my family but I want to try and rebuild a life with my O/H but I really don't know what to do.
i had so much clear in my head, have started counselling which is helping but one phone call from a family member has pushed me over the edge and I don't know what to do. Sorry for ranting, wanted to get my thoughts out of my head.. x
I have privately messaged you x
Oh lonely and bewildered, I gutted for you. Family is tricky as well I know.. I'm still lying to mine to protect my head space. They are under illusion that he has moved to his parents but we are still together. I want to still make our marriage work as do you. You're Family know you are staying put and are in my eyes only seeing this from their point of view. I know I will also get huge backlash from my family when they eventually discover we are still together and will never ever want him near family and I may lose some in the process of staying. I don't know its so hard on you with this whiplash from family and impossible to not doubt your decisions at times. My way of seeing it is we all have to do what's right for us and try and look after your head space. It's easier said than done as I know. Thinking of you and sending hugs xx
I'm so sorry they are voicing their feelings so openly in front of you.
Something I explained in the early days when one of our family members was making it about them was that no one is more effected than I am, and I explained that I was going to take my time to find out as much as possible and see how I feel about it.
Im trying to make it work. At the end of the day, my family members all have their own families- my OH is mine. I'm lucky that my family have said that they will respect my decision and have mostly kept their opinions to themselves but the reality is that they can all go back to their 'normal' lives and continue as though nothing has happened. We will never be able to do that, and have very little control but what we can choose is how we continue in our relationships. For me, it's hard enough coming to terms with what is happening, I don't need to be mourning the loss of my marriage too and believe that anyone who expects me to do that and disregards my feelings doesn't have my best interests at heart.
Someone did say to me that it's your relationship and that there will be many people who don't understand your decisions but it is your life and as long as you are happy, that it is none of their business how you live/ what you decide.
I also remind myself that no one knows everything about everyone, even their partners and unless those making these comments are happy to share all their worse decisions, most intimate feelings, biggest failures, worst parts of themselves etc. with their extended family, then they are hypocrites.
sorry, bit of a ramble there but hopefully some of these arguments are helpful. We're all in this together xx
Something I explained in the early days when one of our family members was making it about them was that no one is more effected than I am, and I explained that I was going to take my time to find out as much as possible and see how I feel about it.
Im trying to make it work. At the end of the day, my family members all have their own families- my OH is mine. I'm lucky that my family have said that they will respect my decision and have mostly kept their opinions to themselves but the reality is that they can all go back to their 'normal' lives and continue as though nothing has happened. We will never be able to do that, and have very little control but what we can choose is how we continue in our relationships. For me, it's hard enough coming to terms with what is happening, I don't need to be mourning the loss of my marriage too and believe that anyone who expects me to do that and disregards my feelings doesn't have my best interests at heart.
Someone did say to me that it's your relationship and that there will be many people who don't understand your decisions but it is your life and as long as you are happy, that it is none of their business how you live/ what you decide.
I also remind myself that no one knows everything about everyone, even their partners and unless those making these comments are happy to share all their worse decisions, most intimate feelings, biggest failures, worst parts of themselves etc. with their extended family, then they are hypocrites.
sorry, bit of a ramble there but hopefully some of these arguments are helpful. We're all in this together xx
I felt I had too much to lose with regards to my family. Didn't help that I lost someone very close to me during it all. Helped me make the decision to leave.
I do feel for you as losing a relationship with family is so sad - I really hope that things change over time for you, which can be a big healer and help people put things into a different perspective. Please don't think you were ranting - you have every reason to feel upset and unhappy about it.
Both my and my husband's parents are no longer around (my OH's mother died about a month ago) and as well as the grief we did feel some relief that they would never need to hear about their beloved grandson :( Also I've been close to some of my many cousins over the years but one of them is a retired police officer and headed up the child protection unit for her force - I haven't told her as I daren't risk her feelings about our son as I'm guessing she has experienced some shocking things in her career and understandably would have a certain view of him.
Putting your own mental health and that of your OH first is really important and I'm sending you a big hug as you navigate this awful time xx
Both my and my husband's parents are no longer around (my OH's mother died about a month ago) and as well as the grief we did feel some relief that they would never need to hear about their beloved grandson :( Also I've been close to some of my many cousins over the years but one of them is a retired police officer and headed up the child protection unit for her force - I haven't told her as I daren't risk her feelings about our son as I'm guessing she has experienced some shocking things in her career and understandably would have a certain view of him.
Putting your own mental health and that of your OH first is really important and I'm sending you a big hug as you navigate this awful time xx
Thank you for your comments, these have really helped me these last two days. Life does still go on maybe just a different path.
xx
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Lonely
families fall out for all sorts of reasons. My grandparents didn't speak to me or see me for years.....only as an adult did I find out it was because they had an argument and fell out with my parents. This is no different. It's probably really raw for them (it is harder to accept and understand at the start) and will probably have been a shock. Hopefully once they have time about how it's affected you and what you've been through maybe they may come round. I haven't told mine. Only 1 close relative knows and they've been so supportive, haven't told anyone else-the rest just think we've split up. I'm co-parenting and supporting. I'm hoping they realise I didn't tell them because I wanted to protect them as it's a horrible secret to keep.
families fall out for all sorts of reasons. My grandparents didn't speak to me or see me for years.....only as an adult did I find out it was because they had an argument and fell out with my parents. This is no different. It's probably really raw for them (it is harder to accept and understand at the start) and will probably have been a shock. Hopefully once they have time about how it's affected you and what you've been through maybe they may come round. I haven't told mine. Only 1 close relative knows and they've been so supportive, haven't told anyone else-the rest just think we've split up. I'm co-parenting and supporting. I'm hoping they realise I didn't tell them because I wanted to protect them as it's a horrible secret to keep.