How do I not feel so alone?
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thank you if you read all of this, I just feel so alone and lost
My boyfriend got the knock nearly 7 weeks ago. He wasn't arrested/interviewed or anything else just they had a warrant and seized devices...I wasn't home as I work for the local force (not an officer) and they purposely did it whilst I was at work.. they then came and told me at work before allowing me home early...they were seriously brief with us both and said his bank has been linked to paying for iioc...
once I got home and started talking to him he told me he had paid someone for images/videos and that she had told him she was 19. All I have is his word for this and that there is nothing else they could find. We've been told it'll be 6 to 9 months before the digital unit will have an update for us.
This week they gave back most of my devices but not all.
not really sure what I'm looking for to be honest, maybe someone to talk to who's been in a situation like mine where he wasn't arrested or even interviewed.
I have told 2 of my closest friends who have both initially been supportive and then distanced themselves and then slipped up and told my mum who I'm seriously close to- she took it really well and has been supportive but he finds it too anxiety inducing being around her. I'm also lucky (I guess?!) that quite a few of my work colleagues are aware (mainly due to my hysterics the day I was told and for the 2 days after when I needed to go in to get away from him and process my thoughts) and they have all been extremely supportive especially as my partner has been suicidal which has affected me daily.
My partner won't even tell his parents or any of his friends. He has started with a counsellor once a week though. He's just been offered (badly & unfairly) a settlement figure from work so possibly from tomorrow because of the investigation and then not wanting to be connected to him just in case... so he'll likely be unemployed going forward (Hes been suspended since the knock as we were open and honest about what happened). How does he even approach getting a new job now when he knows he's being investigated?!!
im heartbroken that life as I know it will never be the same... we go on holiday in 48 hours and it was suppose to be us starting to try for a baby, which we've now put a pause on, we bought a house in April and now life is so uncertain...I was planning to join the specials or move into a different role but I'm petrified to move forward in policing or my company now which is something I've always wanted to do and enjoy, but it's all just wait and see what happens...if he is charged I'll get my vetting re assessed as to whether I get to keep my job or not and I just can't even come to terms with any of it! And that's without me even thinking of my brothers who both have young children (he has no restrictions or anything but we have chosen to stay away from them- which is breaking my heart not seeing my niece & nephew who are both under 6 months and I'm just missing so much because I'm either at work or at home with him trying to keep his mood up and keep him busy...????
I think I just need a chat with someone who knows how this all feels...I love this man to pieces but my whole world is upside down still...
My boyfriend got the knock nearly 7 weeks ago. He wasn't arrested/interviewed or anything else just they had a warrant and seized devices...I wasn't home as I work for the local force (not an officer) and they purposely did it whilst I was at work.. they then came and told me at work before allowing me home early...they were seriously brief with us both and said his bank has been linked to paying for iioc...
once I got home and started talking to him he told me he had paid someone for images/videos and that she had told him she was 19. All I have is his word for this and that there is nothing else they could find. We've been told it'll be 6 to 9 months before the digital unit will have an update for us.
This week they gave back most of my devices but not all.
not really sure what I'm looking for to be honest, maybe someone to talk to who's been in a situation like mine where he wasn't arrested or even interviewed.
I have told 2 of my closest friends who have both initially been supportive and then distanced themselves and then slipped up and told my mum who I'm seriously close to- she took it really well and has been supportive but he finds it too anxiety inducing being around her. I'm also lucky (I guess?!) that quite a few of my work colleagues are aware (mainly due to my hysterics the day I was told and for the 2 days after when I needed to go in to get away from him and process my thoughts) and they have all been extremely supportive especially as my partner has been suicidal which has affected me daily.
My partner won't even tell his parents or any of his friends. He has started with a counsellor once a week though. He's just been offered (badly & unfairly) a settlement figure from work so possibly from tomorrow because of the investigation and then not wanting to be connected to him just in case... so he'll likely be unemployed going forward (Hes been suspended since the knock as we were open and honest about what happened). How does he even approach getting a new job now when he knows he's being investigated?!!
im heartbroken that life as I know it will never be the same... we go on holiday in 48 hours and it was suppose to be us starting to try for a baby, which we've now put a pause on, we bought a house in April and now life is so uncertain...I was planning to join the specials or move into a different role but I'm petrified to move forward in policing or my company now which is something I've always wanted to do and enjoy, but it's all just wait and see what happens...if he is charged I'll get my vetting re assessed as to whether I get to keep my job or not and I just can't even come to terms with any of it! And that's without me even thinking of my brothers who both have young children (he has no restrictions or anything but we have chosen to stay away from them- which is breaking my heart not seeing my niece & nephew who are both under 6 months and I'm just missing so much because I'm either at work or at home with him trying to keep his mood up and keep him busy...????
I think I just need a chat with someone who knows how this all feels...I love this man to pieces but my whole world is upside down still...
Every case is so different, how the police handles things can be similar but can also be so different.
Some things you've mentioned I can relate to. When we got the knock we'd only been living in our house we brought together for 9 months. We had just booked our first holiday abroad together, had previously been pregnant hadn't worked out, after the knock happened I think it was for the best that we didn't end up having our baby.
The morning it happened I rang a friend, she never picked up as it was so early in the morning. She rang me back later that morning and I played it off as a pocket dial as at that point too scared to admit.
I took my dog and went round my mums, she has been so support, also told me older brother and kept my circle as that. Ended up telling work as I had to call in sick due to depression and anxiety, couldn't face going in where as I know others find work a nice break from it all.
Well we are now 9 months post knock, and it does get easier, some days are harder than others.
In our case they took my partners nod as a partial admission which is what led to his arrest, he then gave a no comment interview. His devices have since been searched and nothing found so moved to just under investigation with no restraints. That happened in April yet they still haven't returned the devices like they said they would.
In my experience, don't trust the police. They told me he admitted to something to do with iioc, it felt like they tried to turn me against him. They manipulated my interview with them, they recorded me only saying certain stuff then switched off the recording when it suited them. They advised me to not let him back to the house, but I said its fine he can come back... obviously I am still cautious that my partner could be lying, but the police definitely weren't my friend either.
Some things you've mentioned I can relate to. When we got the knock we'd only been living in our house we brought together for 9 months. We had just booked our first holiday abroad together, had previously been pregnant hadn't worked out, after the knock happened I think it was for the best that we didn't end up having our baby.
The morning it happened I rang a friend, she never picked up as it was so early in the morning. She rang me back later that morning and I played it off as a pocket dial as at that point too scared to admit.
I took my dog and went round my mums, she has been so support, also told me older brother and kept my circle as that. Ended up telling work as I had to call in sick due to depression and anxiety, couldn't face going in where as I know others find work a nice break from it all.
Well we are now 9 months post knock, and it does get easier, some days are harder than others.
In our case they took my partners nod as a partial admission which is what led to his arrest, he then gave a no comment interview. His devices have since been searched and nothing found so moved to just under investigation with no restraints. That happened in April yet they still haven't returned the devices like they said they would.
In my experience, don't trust the police. They told me he admitted to something to do with iioc, it felt like they tried to turn me against him. They manipulated my interview with them, they recorded me only saying certain stuff then switched off the recording when it suited them. They advised me to not let him back to the house, but I said its fine he can come back... obviously I am still cautious that my partner could be lying, but the police definitely weren't my friend either.
Sorry you find yourself here....but you are absolutely not alone.
These investigations can take a very long time and the shock of it all is still so new and raw. Please try to take care of yourself whilst you're in this limbo period. It does take a toll on your mental health so anything you can do for your own wellbeing is a good start.
I would also ring the helpline for a friendly and knowledgeable person to talk to who understand your situation.
Try to take it one day at a time to start with, don't try focus too far down the line as you don't know what the future holds yet.
These investigations can take a very long time and the shock of it all is still so new and raw. Please try to take care of yourself whilst you're in this limbo period. It does take a toll on your mental health so anything you can do for your own wellbeing is a good start.
I would also ring the helpline for a friendly and knowledgeable person to talk to who understand your situation.
Try to take it one day at a time to start with, don't try focus too far down the line as you don't know what the future holds yet.