Difficult day
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Hello to everyone ....
I can't begin to tell you how much comfort this forum has provided me with over the last 12 months. Even though this is my first post, I really feel alone (especially after the intensive HE coverage) and many of your comments and posts have resonated so much I wanted to reach out and find a much needed virtual hug. I haven't told anyone about my nightmare, so this is me finally finding the courage to post.
My OH got the knock just over a year ago, currently released under investigation (after being on bail for 9 months) whilst the CPS make a decision on charging. They found 3 cat B, a few generic search terms and a fantasy conversation with another adult in Kik.
I obviously find what he's done incomprehensible but I also know that he suffered sexual trauma at a young age which I'm convinced got him to this point. Along with (until after his arrest) undiagnosed ADHD making him very impulsive. He's the love of my life - kind, thoughtful, generous, funny and well liked by everyone. I struggle every day with the idea that our incredible future together will come crashing down at any moment. That the boy who I know and love will become subhuman in the eyes of society - and in turn my life will never be the same.
I recently read that the National Crime Agency think that 1 in every 35 men could have a sexual interest/attraction to pre-pubescent children. I wonder at what point society will begin to recognise that this might be part of the human condition, and rather than vilifying the perpetrators, try to understand with a genuine psychological interest why this is happening - surely only then, can we truly reduce offending.
I've always been fascinated by the psychology of human behaviour and have contemplated a career in sex addiction therapy for some time now - that's a big part of the reason I'm standing by my OH, because I understand the complexity of these situations and it's never back and white. People don't choose to have these thoughts and the majority hate that they do or have behaved in a certain way.
Protecting children should always come first 100% - but what about our loved ones who have suffered their own traumatic childhoods with no intervention!? Why do people hear the words 'sex offender' and simply throw away the key with no rational thought!? Instead of thinking, what on earth has brought this person to this point and how do we help them rehabilitate. This is an area of law so heavily influenced by societal pressure and political agendas.
Sorry for the long post but I can't tell you how cathartic it is. Sending all my love to you all, no matter where you are in your journey or how you've chosen to deal with it xx
I can't begin to tell you how much comfort this forum has provided me with over the last 12 months. Even though this is my first post, I really feel alone (especially after the intensive HE coverage) and many of your comments and posts have resonated so much I wanted to reach out and find a much needed virtual hug. I haven't told anyone about my nightmare, so this is me finally finding the courage to post.
My OH got the knock just over a year ago, currently released under investigation (after being on bail for 9 months) whilst the CPS make a decision on charging. They found 3 cat B, a few generic search terms and a fantasy conversation with another adult in Kik.
I obviously find what he's done incomprehensible but I also know that he suffered sexual trauma at a young age which I'm convinced got him to this point. Along with (until after his arrest) undiagnosed ADHD making him very impulsive. He's the love of my life - kind, thoughtful, generous, funny and well liked by everyone. I struggle every day with the idea that our incredible future together will come crashing down at any moment. That the boy who I know and love will become subhuman in the eyes of society - and in turn my life will never be the same.
I recently read that the National Crime Agency think that 1 in every 35 men could have a sexual interest/attraction to pre-pubescent children. I wonder at what point society will begin to recognise that this might be part of the human condition, and rather than vilifying the perpetrators, try to understand with a genuine psychological interest why this is happening - surely only then, can we truly reduce offending.
I've always been fascinated by the psychology of human behaviour and have contemplated a career in sex addiction therapy for some time now - that's a big part of the reason I'm standing by my OH, because I understand the complexity of these situations and it's never back and white. People don't choose to have these thoughts and the majority hate that they do or have behaved in a certain way.
Protecting children should always come first 100% - but what about our loved ones who have suffered their own traumatic childhoods with no intervention!? Why do people hear the words 'sex offender' and simply throw away the key with no rational thought!? Instead of thinking, what on earth has brought this person to this point and how do we help them rehabilitate. This is an area of law so heavily influenced by societal pressure and political agendas.
Sorry for the long post but I can't tell you how cathartic it is. Sending all my love to you all, no matter where you are in your journey or how you've chosen to deal with it xx
Hi,
sending you that much needed virtual hug. Your post is very interesting, the statistic of 1 in 35 men having an attraction is frightening without any context around it. I'd say it's more probable that this would be at some point in their adult lives as a temporary attraction and not their main one. I read research on here before that categorised levels of attraction using the correct terminology, I think it may have been Edel that posted it.
In your OHs case his childhood trauma should be taken into consideration as part of his psychological assessment, it may not be a mitigating factor as such but they will go into what brought him to this point.
All of us on here agree that protecting children should be the number one priority. I think more needs to be done to stop at source in the cases involving iioc, in my opinion this would be more effective as a prevention of those with porn/sex addiction and perhaps a temporary attraction/curiousity getting caught up in this dark path.
Opening up discussions within both the professional psychology community and law enforcement agencies would be incredibly beneficial for rehabilitation xxx
sending you that much needed virtual hug. Your post is very interesting, the statistic of 1 in 35 men having an attraction is frightening without any context around it. I'd say it's more probable that this would be at some point in their adult lives as a temporary attraction and not their main one. I read research on here before that categorised levels of attraction using the correct terminology, I think it may have been Edel that posted it.
In your OHs case his childhood trauma should be taken into consideration as part of his psychological assessment, it may not be a mitigating factor as such but they will go into what brought him to this point.
All of us on here agree that protecting children should be the number one priority. I think more needs to be done to stop at source in the cases involving iioc, in my opinion this would be more effective as a prevention of those with porn/sex addiction and perhaps a temporary attraction/curiousity getting caught up in this dark path.
Opening up discussions within both the professional psychology community and law enforcement agencies would be incredibly beneficial for rehabilitation xxx
Me story is very much like yours , my husband arrested for iioc put in group chat on kik he was having gay Fantasy conversations with men . He was sexually abused by male teacher at the age of 12 and recently started to conversate with other men via Kik hence why we are here now x
Thank you both for your kind words and reaching out, it means so much.
Worryingly even though my OH has disclosed his childhood experiences to me, he's so ashamed of the circumstances (and thinks it was his fault) so I don't think he'll confide in his counsellor. He has a huge amount of distrust, unsurprisingly, given what he went through. I don't know how best to encourage him to open up, given he struggles with me.
His way of dealing with it, is to talk and act as if he'll go to prison - even giving all his belongings away. It breaks my heart to watch and deal with it - there are just no guarantees I can give him in this crazy process we're in. I think the best we can hope for is a suspended sentence, but as we all know, that's not a great ending either.
If anyone is experiencing similar issues please feel free to message.xx
Worryingly even though my OH has disclosed his childhood experiences to me, he's so ashamed of the circumstances (and thinks it was his fault) so I don't think he'll confide in his counsellor. He has a huge amount of distrust, unsurprisingly, given what he went through. I don't know how best to encourage him to open up, given he struggles with me.
His way of dealing with it, is to talk and act as if he'll go to prison - even giving all his belongings away. It breaks my heart to watch and deal with it - there are just no guarantees I can give him in this crazy process we're in. I think the best we can hope for is a suspended sentence, but as we all know, that's not a great ending either.
If anyone is experiencing similar issues please feel free to message.xx