So confused about my feelings
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Hi Everyone
We are just three days post-knock. I've come away to a friend's house to try and get some space and work out my own feelings.
On the one hand I feel utterly disgusted by what he has done. (Engaged in an online fantasy about school girls. The person on the other end told him they were under 16, but he believed it was part of the fantasy. He didn't actually think he was talking to a child.) And he's cheated and he's lied and deceived. Pre-knock, if you'd asked me, I would have been out the door. (We don't have any children.)
Now... I'm so confused. I still love him and care for him, and I want to support him. He's taken repsonsibility, done all the "right" things. Swears he'll change and get help etc. (And made steps to do it already.) I just don't know if it will last and I don't know if I'm prepared to weather the storm with him.
He says without me there's no point in going on. And to be honest, this is part of the problem. I don't think I have the amount of strength needed to support us both through all of this. (And I'm generally a very strong person.)
Either way, it's going to be hard.
I'm going to have to choose my hard, aren't I?
(If you've read this far – thank you! It turned into a bit of a stream of consciousness.)
We are just three days post-knock. I've come away to a friend's house to try and get some space and work out my own feelings.
On the one hand I feel utterly disgusted by what he has done. (Engaged in an online fantasy about school girls. The person on the other end told him they were under 16, but he believed it was part of the fantasy. He didn't actually think he was talking to a child.) And he's cheated and he's lied and deceived. Pre-knock, if you'd asked me, I would have been out the door. (We don't have any children.)
Now... I'm so confused. I still love him and care for him, and I want to support him. He's taken repsonsibility, done all the "right" things. Swears he'll change and get help etc. (And made steps to do it already.) I just don't know if it will last and I don't know if I'm prepared to weather the storm with him.
He says without me there's no point in going on. And to be honest, this is part of the problem. I don't think I have the amount of strength needed to support us both through all of this. (And I'm generally a very strong person.)
Either way, it's going to be hard.
I'm going to have to choose my hard, aren't I?
(If you've read this far – thank you! It turned into a bit of a stream of consciousness.)
I'm so sorry you're here. One thing I've found, over the last 4 months since the knock, is that my feelings ebb and flow.
So sometimes I'm outraged at myself for letting him stay here, while other times I want him to be with us so I can almost believe it's our old life.
Today, after agonising over it for 4 months, I've asked for some space and we're trying some time apart. It's broken my heart but I can't heal myself, be strong for my children and be strong for him, if I'm drowning and in conflict with myself in my daily existence. I'm weeping because I know I'll want him back tomorrow or the next day, and I hate hurting him. All I can do is be sure that he's doing all he can - attending SAA meetings and specialised therapy - and make sure I'm looking after myself and my children.
Whilst typing this I've realised that it's only by letting go of my fairy tale (we've been together 22 years) that I can move forward and potentially build a REAL future with him.
I'm so scared though.
sending you a huge hug xx
So sometimes I'm outraged at myself for letting him stay here, while other times I want him to be with us so I can almost believe it's our old life.
Today, after agonising over it for 4 months, I've asked for some space and we're trying some time apart. It's broken my heart but I can't heal myself, be strong for my children and be strong for him, if I'm drowning and in conflict with myself in my daily existence. I'm weeping because I know I'll want him back tomorrow or the next day, and I hate hurting him. All I can do is be sure that he's doing all he can - attending SAA meetings and specialised therapy - and make sure I'm looking after myself and my children.
Whilst typing this I've realised that it's only by letting go of my fairy tale (we've been together 22 years) that I can move forward and potentially build a REAL future with him.
I'm so scared though.
sending you a huge hug xx
Hi,
Just wanted to echo the above comment really. There is so much on this journey that is unknown so finding that space to rebuild your strength will help massively in whatever route you choose. Yeah, choosing your hard is definitely how I'd describe it. Knowing that decisions made in this highly emotional state don't have to be permanent really helped me.
I'm four years down the line, we still live separately due to children but I feel ready to move forward in our relationship which is something that I didn't think would ever happen. There are times that I've questioned my own morality but I know that I don't accept his offending. I acknowledge it as something that he did and obviously I look for signs of offending or dips in his mental health. We have massively improved our communication and he is committed to improving himself. Whilst this remains the case I'm happy to stay around and support him in this xxx
Just wanted to echo the above comment really. There is so much on this journey that is unknown so finding that space to rebuild your strength will help massively in whatever route you choose. Yeah, choosing your hard is definitely how I'd describe it. Knowing that decisions made in this highly emotional state don't have to be permanent really helped me.
I'm four years down the line, we still live separately due to children but I feel ready to move forward in our relationship which is something that I didn't think would ever happen. There are times that I've questioned my own morality but I know that I don't accept his offending. I acknowledge it as something that he did and obviously I look for signs of offending or dips in his mental health. We have massively improved our communication and he is committed to improving himself. Whilst this remains the case I'm happy to stay around and support him in this xxx
Hi Frankie
Firstly, I'm sending you a huge hug, I so know where you are. The shock is unimaginable and in the first few days and weeks the only bit of advice I can possibly give is to not make any rash decisions (or maybe any decisions!)
I'm 6 weeks down the line and I've stayed with my husband. The exact details of what he has done are different but the emotions are so similar. Initially the thing that helped me was to get up every morning and think; do I want to stay today? Is staying better than going? For me I needed to stay initially to get full details of what had happened, so I knew what I was dealing with. Even now I say every day that at any point I can change my mind, I can go, if I feel that's best for me. Choosing my hard, as you so rightly say! You will make the right choice for you, you are stronger than you know. Coming on here and writing your truth takes so much strength.
I'd also say that I've found that it's helpful to recognise that my emotions are not linear; some times I'll feel better, sometimes for no reason I will feel worse and that's ok. It's hard, but I'm not mad, it's just a normal reaction to a trauma.
More recently I've found help in talking to a therapist and reading about sex addiction and trying to understand how my husband got to where he did. I'm still angry and I'm still sad and but understanding is helping me move forward.
be so kind to yourself, all the feelings you have a valid. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
xx
Firstly, I'm sending you a huge hug, I so know where you are. The shock is unimaginable and in the first few days and weeks the only bit of advice I can possibly give is to not make any rash decisions (or maybe any decisions!)
I'm 6 weeks down the line and I've stayed with my husband. The exact details of what he has done are different but the emotions are so similar. Initially the thing that helped me was to get up every morning and think; do I want to stay today? Is staying better than going? For me I needed to stay initially to get full details of what had happened, so I knew what I was dealing with. Even now I say every day that at any point I can change my mind, I can go, if I feel that's best for me. Choosing my hard, as you so rightly say! You will make the right choice for you, you are stronger than you know. Coming on here and writing your truth takes so much strength.
I'd also say that I've found that it's helpful to recognise that my emotions are not linear; some times I'll feel better, sometimes for no reason I will feel worse and that's ok. It's hard, but I'm not mad, it's just a normal reaction to a trauma.
More recently I've found help in talking to a therapist and reading about sex addiction and trying to understand how my husband got to where he did. I'm still angry and I'm still sad and but understanding is helping me move forward.
be so kind to yourself, all the feelings you have a valid. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
xx
There is no need to make any decisions just yet. Take your time.
Took me 10 months to reach a decision - probably because I still thought I loved him. I couldn't face a future alone. Financially how would I manage.
But slowly I began to see the light. Thought that however tough the future was going to be that I was better off alone.
I'm now going to have to work till I'm 70 to pay off a mortgage. Our family has been blown apart. But I don't think his offending will ever go away so this is the best decision.
Took me 10 months to reach a decision - probably because I still thought I loved him. I couldn't face a future alone. Financially how would I manage.
But slowly I began to see the light. Thought that however tough the future was going to be that I was better off alone.
I'm now going to have to work till I'm 70 to pay off a mortgage. Our family has been blown apart. But I don't think his offending will ever go away so this is the best decision.
I wanted to thank you all for your replies. They have been extremely helpful.
I spoke with a friend yesterday who is psychologist and she has helped me with a few things. Between all of you I have realised I don't need to make any decisions yet, especially as it's such early days. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
My husband keeps begging me to promise I won't leave him, and that has been taking it's toll. I've told him I can't promise anything, but that doesn' seem to be enough. He sees me leaving to stay with a friend for a fews days as me abandoning him and can't or won't seem to understand how this has affected me too. Yes things are shit for him, but they're shit for me too. With the exception of my liberty, everything he stands to lose, I stand to lose as well and I just wish he could see that.
I spoke with a friend yesterday who is psychologist and she has helped me with a few things. Between all of you I have realised I don't need to make any decisions yet, especially as it's such early days. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
My husband keeps begging me to promise I won't leave him, and that has been taking it's toll. I've told him I can't promise anything, but that doesn' seem to be enough. He sees me leaving to stay with a friend for a fews days as me abandoning him and can't or won't seem to understand how this has affected me too. Yes things are shit for him, but they're shit for me too. With the exception of my liberty, everything he stands to lose, I stand to lose as well and I just wish he could see that.
I'm starting to realise (it's probably obvious from a detached standpoint) that the character flaws that led my husband to his offending behaviour also make it nigh on impossible for him to truly grasp the struggle I'm in. I mean, he can see it and intellectually acknowledge it exists, but he doesn't have much empathy and so still (4 months on from the knock) can't see the complexity of it. He sees it as something we're both going through together, and I get to be openly heartbroken and confused and somewhat capricious in my feelings so why doesn't he? He wants us to work on the relationship but struggles to understand how that can't mean 'going back to the way things were' before he imploded everything.
Hi Frankie,
I'm one week in after the knock and I understand exactly how your feeling.
This is a nightmare for any partner feelings run from shame , anger , hurt and did he ever really care about me?
The length of time it all takes also is something that puts a massive strain on you .
I am living apart from my OH as I just cant cope having him under the same roof as me.
Luckily I have no children with him but he does have children from a previous marriage and his youngest is 15 so SS involved.
He is putting pressure on me to support him as everyone else have turned there back.
But like you I am barely coping myself and honestly dont think I have the strength to support him as well.
I really feel for you its a terrible situation to be put in but just remember your not alone .
This forum has been so helpful .
Stay strong x
I'm one week in after the knock and I understand exactly how your feeling.
This is a nightmare for any partner feelings run from shame , anger , hurt and did he ever really care about me?
The length of time it all takes also is something that puts a massive strain on you .
I am living apart from my OH as I just cant cope having him under the same roof as me.
Luckily I have no children with him but he does have children from a previous marriage and his youngest is 15 so SS involved.
He is putting pressure on me to support him as everyone else have turned there back.
But like you I am barely coping myself and honestly dont think I have the strength to support him as well.
I really feel for you its a terrible situation to be put in but just remember your not alone .
This forum has been so helpful .
Stay strong x
This is all so familiar. I'm 12 weeks in and not making any decisions in the early days, but getting all the information and giving him and myself the benefit of the doubt.
I've told him that i need to know everything, and that if there is anything that comes out that he hasn't been honest about then I'm gone, but have also told him that I might hear it all and decide it's too much for me and that he needs to respect that decision. I've told him that I am not responsible for him, that he needs to step up for himself and also that he needs to fight for me and not lean on me.
Every day I check in with myself and make sure that no matter how hard it is, that I still get more from staying with him and dealing with all of this than I would without him. It's getting me through.
I've told him that i need to know everything, and that if there is anything that comes out that he hasn't been honest about then I'm gone, but have also told him that I might hear it all and decide it's too much for me and that he needs to respect that decision. I've told him that I am not responsible for him, that he needs to step up for himself and also that he needs to fight for me and not lean on me.
Every day I check in with myself and make sure that no matter how hard it is, that I still get more from staying with him and dealing with all of this than I would without him. It's getting me through.