Am I Being Selfish
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It's nearly a year since the knock and my ex has been sentenced for looking at images. He's currently only allowed supervised access to our children (both under 10). Firstly he won't accept that I don't want him back and keeps pressuring me to take him back and allow him to move back home. He has turned the tables on me and acts like the breakdown of our marriage is my fault because it's my decision not to take him back. That means I'm carrying this guilt that the breakdown of our marriage and the reason our kids can't see their dad is my fault. I'm finding it hard to cope at the moment.
I don't want to have to live with the repercussions of his actions and I feel it is unfair that he expects me to do that. Am I being selfish for not wanting to live under the restrictions that would be on us if he moves back. I don't want to have to supervise him 24/7 around the kids. I don't want to have to restrict what the kids can do around the house just because he's there. I read a post the other day where someone wrote the things they have to do for SS to allow OH back in house, it's way too much to cope with 24/7. Ok my ex has mental health problems that caused him to go down that rabbit hole and because of that he thinks that he should be forgiven. I probably should support him but I don't want to, I want my life to be as normal as possible and I don't want to deal with the consequences of his actions.
I don't want to have to live with the repercussions of his actions and I feel it is unfair that he expects me to do that. Am I being selfish for not wanting to live under the restrictions that would be on us if he moves back. I don't want to have to supervise him 24/7 around the kids. I don't want to have to restrict what the kids can do around the house just because he's there. I read a post the other day where someone wrote the things they have to do for SS to allow OH back in house, it's way too much to cope with 24/7. Ok my ex has mental health problems that caused him to go down that rabbit hole and because of that he thinks that he should be forgiven. I probably should support him but I don't want to, I want my life to be as normal as possible and I don't want to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Hi,
I'm sorry that you're being put in this position. You are not the reason he can't have as much contact with your children as he would like. Is there anyone who could supervise contact instead of you and perhaps someone who could help you both to communicate information about the children rather than speaking to each other directly?
You're not being selfish, you're setting boundaries and if that isn't something that you did within your relationship then it will feel uncomfortable for both of you. You can absolutely support his relationship with the children without being in a relationship with him xxx
I'm sorry that you're being put in this position. You are not the reason he can't have as much contact with your children as he would like. Is there anyone who could supervise contact instead of you and perhaps someone who could help you both to communicate information about the children rather than speaking to each other directly?
You're not being selfish, you're setting boundaries and if that isn't something that you did within your relationship then it will feel uncomfortable for both of you. You can absolutely support his relationship with the children without being in a relationship with him xxx
LDE I am feeling the exact same as you. It's too much for me.
But then I think, I said "for better or for worse", is this just the "worse"?! Though I think child sexual abuse is beyond "worse" for me.
But then I think, I said "for better or for worse", is this just the "worse"?! Though I think child sexual abuse is beyond "worse" for me.
You are absolutely not being selfish. You shouldn't carry any sense of guilt regarding the disruption of your family life and marriage. Thats on him and he needs to take responsibility, and show you and his children that he is taking responsibility. MH issues may well have been a contributing factor, but the world is full of men with serious problems and struggles and challenges who aren't out there looking at IIOC. I guess sometimes it feels like there's always an excuse!
Not selfish at all.
I ended our long marriage as the trust was gone and I knew the offending would never ever go away. He has thrown it back at me several times so I feel I now cannot say I'm struggling with anything.
I can't imagine how hard it must be when there are going children involved.
I ended our long marriage as the trust was gone and I knew the offending would never ever go away. He has thrown it back at me several times so I feel I now cannot say I'm struggling with anything.
I can't imagine how hard it must be when there are going children involved.
You absolutely are not being selfish. It is his actions that have caused this chain of events/ had this impact on the lives of you and your children.
I decided to stay, but it is all my choice. Not his.
I decided to stay, but it is all my choice. Not his.
Hi - personally I think for self preservation you have to be a little selfish. Yes I support my son as best as I can in the situation he left us with but I learnt very quickly you have to look after yourself too.
You can easily get swamped with supporting other people (as us women do), and leave your needs physically and mentally at the bottom of the pile.
Remember you matter too - follow your instincts what you believe is best for you and your children. You are no way to blame, the choices made were made by him and only him.
You can easily get swamped with supporting other people (as us women do), and leave your needs physically and mentally at the bottom of the pile.
Remember you matter too - follow your instincts what you believe is best for you and your children. You are no way to blame, the choices made were made by him and only him.
You need to do what feels right for you and this is the most awful process to go through. I've seen a lot of posts where OHs are trying to stay with their partners and making them feel guilty about leaving. I should imagine that comes from a place of fear - and in some cases control. As the others have said stay strong with your boundaries and make no apologies for setting them, you have to put yourself first in this and can't be made to feel guilty for his actions/mistakes.
My OH has mentally prepared himself for me to leave when the proverbial hits the fan - he has no expectations that I will stay with him. He's lived a life of neglect and abandonment so in his mind he expects the same to happen with us, which is heartbreaking in itself. We love each other so very much and I will do everything in my power to work through it with him, but no one can guarantee what the future looks like and I'm terrified of the repercussions and scrutiny.
Try to find your strength to do whatever feels right for you. Or take some time out and distance yourself slightly ....take one step at a time ...
Hugs xxxxx
My OH has mentally prepared himself for me to leave when the proverbial hits the fan - he has no expectations that I will stay with him. He's lived a life of neglect and abandonment so in his mind he expects the same to happen with us, which is heartbreaking in itself. We love each other so very much and I will do everything in my power to work through it with him, but no one can guarantee what the future looks like and I'm terrified of the repercussions and scrutiny.
Try to find your strength to do whatever feels right for you. Or take some time out and distance yourself slightly ....take one step at a time ...
Hugs xxxxx
You are not being selfish. You are preserving yourself so you can continue to be strong.