Why would he do it again?
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so I got up and went to work as normal that morning and then about 4 o'clock in the afternoon I could fill my phone in my pocket eagerly ringing and ringing. I couldn't answer it at that time when I eventually did look at it I didn't recognise the number but there was a text message from my partner telling me it was him phoning me and could I call him urgently. When I did phone him, he was in a real state on the phone. He asked me if I could come home but it's not the sort of job that you can just walk out of. I asked him what the matter was and he told me he reoffended. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I found it hard to understand and get my head round what he was telling me. I had to wait till after 8 o'clock before I could leave work
when I got home I found him on the sofa sobbing. I was very angry what had given him the right to be so upset the police had been around my house and searched it for evidence as he been staying there I felt as if I had been violated they went through everything.. He told me that he had been caught in a police sting. I was so angry. He had been due to come off the register within the next three weeks and had been so careful not allowing himself to be left alone with any children or putting in a position that might jeopardy his chances of coming off the register.
when I found out about his first offence. Both he and the police reassured me. He was such a low risk of ever doing it again But when my children found out through his daughter via social media they were fuming and two of my children have not spken to me since or allowed me to see my grandchildren my eldest son even rang my place of work and informed them.I left my job and moved house so he knew what I've been through so why would he put me through it again? I made him ring his mother and tell his mother what he had done. She was absolutely devastated. But here we are 10 months down the road he's out on bail and living with his mother. He still comes and sees me regularly and he is still waiting for the police to decide if they're going to pursue the case. They keep putting it back three months if they put it back another three months it'll be a year since they arrested him At One point he tried to blame me for his actions but as I pointed out he's a grown man. He's responsible for his own actions. He can,t explain to me why he's done it again because he says he doesn't know himself why he's done it and when I ask him about the content of the conversation he had online he just tells me he can't remember. I am scared because I know when it all comes out and I know it will come eventually what backlash will I have to put up with again because of what he's done
when I got home I found him on the sofa sobbing. I was very angry what had given him the right to be so upset the police had been around my house and searched it for evidence as he been staying there I felt as if I had been violated they went through everything.. He told me that he had been caught in a police sting. I was so angry. He had been due to come off the register within the next three weeks and had been so careful not allowing himself to be left alone with any children or putting in a position that might jeopardy his chances of coming off the register.
when I found out about his first offence. Both he and the police reassured me. He was such a low risk of ever doing it again But when my children found out through his daughter via social media they were fuming and two of my children have not spken to me since or allowed me to see my grandchildren my eldest son even rang my place of work and informed them.I left my job and moved house so he knew what I've been through so why would he put me through it again? I made him ring his mother and tell his mother what he had done. She was absolutely devastated. But here we are 10 months down the road he's out on bail and living with his mother. He still comes and sees me regularly and he is still waiting for the police to decide if they're going to pursue the case. They keep putting it back three months if they put it back another three months it'll be a year since they arrested him At One point he tried to blame me for his actions but as I pointed out he's a grown man. He's responsible for his own actions. He can,t explain to me why he's done it again because he says he doesn't know himself why he's done it and when I ask him about the content of the conversation he had online he just tells me he can't remember. I am scared because I know when it all comes out and I know it will come eventually what backlash will I have to put up with again because of what he's done
Stan Cat,
I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself right now. It's so hard to believe they would do this again but it does happen. This forum is here for you.
I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself right now. It's so hard to believe they would do this again but it does happen. This forum is here for you.
Stand cat
The whole thing why they re-offend is because addiction. He needs to look for help and never stops teraphy....unfortunately he won't change if that's what you like to happen.
I will suggest to get help yourself to understand this addiction....
The whole thing why they re-offend is because addiction. He needs to look for help and never stops teraphy....unfortunately he won't change if that's what you like to happen.
I will suggest to get help yourself to understand this addiction....
Hi, our first knock was 7 years ago, IIOC, sent to prison for 3 years. We'd been together 30 years, married for 17 and had 4 children. He put us all through absolutely hell. Although we divorced, I supported him and so did his family and our now adult kids. He couldn't have been treated better by us than he was. I believed he would NEVER put us through this again. 2 1/2 years ago he was arrested again. Same thing. He's in crown court in the next few weeks and I'm fully expecting another custodial sentence. I cannot express how angry I am both at him but also at myself for being so naive. There isn't a single aspect of my life this man hasn't destroyed. I know now that he will always prioritise "it" over us. Turned out he started having sexual feelings towards children at age 13. I can't, and never ever will trust him again. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but I absolutely know how you feel. Much love to you. X
I am so sad and angry to read this and you have my absolute sympathy, because my partner did it again too and I never ever thought he would be capable of hurting me the exact same way after I stood by him, hung in there and suffered so much. I too lost my daughters, my grandchildren and almost my job after my employer was put in the picture by one of them. Somehow I found the strength to support him and serve every day of his sentence alongside him, believing that we could rebuild and continue the relationship even though I paid daily for this loyalty. Life began to restart and I thought in time we would recover. He really put in the work and his remorse was genuine.
It was therefore beyond my comprehension that he would do this again but I was wrong. I don't hate him (this would make it easier) but pity him, and I cannot cope with the deception and the knowledge that "this" is more powerful and more important to him than me. I'm angry that it's so difficult to break away this second time having defended and explained to kind people who supported us both. I feel utterly bereft and humiliated and what others on this thread say resonate deeply. I didn't think it was possible to go lower or be more devastated than the first time, but again I was wrong. It's so cruel isn't it, that we stood by and supported in the face of immense loss, but for what?
Although I learn by rote that it's an addiction and this will always be the problem, I simply don't understand it and never will. Stancat and Little Robin, I so completely know where you are coming from. I have now moved house and dismantled all that we shared and I am in the process of picking up the pieces for the second time.
It was therefore beyond my comprehension that he would do this again but I was wrong. I don't hate him (this would make it easier) but pity him, and I cannot cope with the deception and the knowledge that "this" is more powerful and more important to him than me. I'm angry that it's so difficult to break away this second time having defended and explained to kind people who supported us both. I feel utterly bereft and humiliated and what others on this thread say resonate deeply. I didn't think it was possible to go lower or be more devastated than the first time, but again I was wrong. It's so cruel isn't it, that we stood by and supported in the face of immense loss, but for what?
Although I learn by rote that it's an addiction and this will always be the problem, I simply don't understand it and never will. Stancat and Little Robin, I so completely know where you are coming from. I have now moved house and dismantled all that we shared and I am in the process of picking up the pieces for the second time.
TBH sometimes people are just deeply selfish, and arrogant enough to think they won't get caught this time. And having lived with an 'OH' who turned out to have a long-standing secret life of offline / online 'legal' infidelity while ostensibly being the model husband and father, I'm no longer surprised by anything in terms of lies. I guess I'm not comfortable with the sense that 'addiction' removes all moral responsibiity and agency - some men are sadly just awful people, or very weak people with awful tendencies. I also guess the ones who have a genuine deep-seated sexual interest in under-18s are much more likely to reoffend, because its integral to their sexuality. I grew up with addiction - my mother was lifelong alcoholic - and there was a point aged around 18 where I just had to accept that alcohol would always come first. Whereas I now know people who managed to kick the habit in much more adverse circumstances than hers.
Sadandscared, I agree about the addiction excuse. Nothing on earth could ever make a child sexually attractive to me. Even if I was addicted to porn. It turned out my ex started having sexual attraction to children from puberty. This would've been in 1983. He had literally no one to talk this through with. He was terribly confused. I felt very very sorry for him, and I after the first arrest. When he was arrested for the second time, I just feel like an idiot. X
When I had to tell family members of my person being on the SOR for ten years some of them made a point that they were concerned once this lifted they thought he might do it again.
The reality is that the addiction never goes away. It has to be managed for the rest of their life. I have told my person that he needs to routinly check in on himself to stop triggers and mitigate asap. Complacency is, I feel, the main risk- especially as time goes on. We are five years into the ten year SHPO and SOR.
I think it is very natural to feel partly to blame, but it is never our fault. My Person is responsible for his own actions.
I do wish there was some sort of procedure and courses for those every couple of years as a refresher.
Resources and support is there, even for those on the other side of SOR. But again, it is the offemders responsibility to pursue these avenues.
I hope my person never does it again. But I know he has it in him to do so. I just let him know I am here for him if he is struggling.
His reasons are never too clear. He won't admit to attraction to children. But his offending was worse when he wanted escapism from real life stresses- e.g family life. So I tell him counselling is available and he needs to work on ensuring areas doesn't get too much.
The reality is that the addiction never goes away. It has to be managed for the rest of their life. I have told my person that he needs to routinly check in on himself to stop triggers and mitigate asap. Complacency is, I feel, the main risk- especially as time goes on. We are five years into the ten year SHPO and SOR.
I think it is very natural to feel partly to blame, but it is never our fault. My Person is responsible for his own actions.
I do wish there was some sort of procedure and courses for those every couple of years as a refresher.
Resources and support is there, even for those on the other side of SOR. But again, it is the offemders responsibility to pursue these avenues.
I hope my person never does it again. But I know he has it in him to do so. I just let him know I am here for him if he is struggling.
His reasons are never too clear. He won't admit to attraction to children. But his offending was worse when he wanted escapism from real life stresses- e.g family life. So I tell him counselling is available and he needs to work on ensuring areas doesn't get too much.
Hi Madeline and little robin3
i'm so sorry that you've been through it twice and I'm sorry that everybody else had to go through it to. I still haven't told my family 10 months after the knock that's he's roffended. I'm so scared to, knowing how they reacted the first time it came to light what he had done i'm scared to death what will happen when they do find out because it will come out in the end it always does !,
i'm so sorry that you've been through it twice and I'm sorry that everybody else had to go through it to. I still haven't told my family 10 months after the knock that's he's roffended. I'm so scared to, knowing how they reacted the first time it came to light what he had done i'm scared to death what will happen when they do find out because it will come out in the end it always does !,