Loving a reoffender
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It's been 7 months now, and when it happend i learnt that it had not been the first time. That between 2015-2018 he had recieved therapy for this already and now "because" of stress at work he reoffended and it had been going on for 4 month at that time. Last week after my request i got to read the discharge notes from the forensic psychologist and in the notes the primary diagnosis given was the word that gives me the most horror i can imagine, the dreaded P word. The word we are sometimes told is not a given with these types of offences. but here it is. and here it's happend again after having recieved such intense therapy. We don't live together so i asked for a week of no contact for me to feel the feelings i was having. I cracked and made contact on friday, because i missed him. It terrifies me that i feel so much love and so much disgust, so much fear, so much confusion at the same time. I can't just stop loving him, i can't just leave him, i can't confide in my friends because i am too ashamed. The procedures are just starting and he will be recieving therapy again; one full day a week of group and individual therapy. I don't know how i can have faith in the future. In forensic psychology they speak of "protective factor" to asses reoffending chance; here all the factors were in place; a loving relationship, a housemate, no social isolation, a job(that did cause stress), a long list of hobbies like improv and musical theatre couple days a week, a long list of meditaiton and self regulation skills and still it happend... what else, life will give him more stressors than some work stress. His parents won't live forever; all of these things. I am so torn inside. It would be the logical road to let him go, focus on healing but i just can't. There must also be something wrong with me. I am forver changed by this and I'm afraid this broken feeling will go with me to my grave.
my OH has just reoffended after 10 years he's had therapy love and relationship started his own business and yet he's done it again. It's hard to understand why he has he refuses to talk to me about why he's done it again but it is hard to stop loving them And to walk away So I just wanted to let you know you're not alone
Hi Titania, I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I didn't want to just read your post and scroll on. If you haven't already done so, you might want to consider contacting the stop it now helpline for some advice and support.
You are in the very early days of trying to process and make sense of what you've read so your thoughts and feelings will be all over the place. You can't change who you love and you can't just switch your feelings off. Take your time in trying to process what you've learned and try to prioritise time to look after your own well being.
You are not alone on your journey, we're here to walk it with you and to support you along the way.
You are in the very early days of trying to process and make sense of what you've read so your thoughts and feelings will be all over the place. You can't change who you love and you can't just switch your feelings off. Take your time in trying to process what you've learned and try to prioritise time to look after your own well being.
You are not alone on your journey, we're here to walk it with you and to support you along the way.
It certainly sounds more like porn addiction than an attraction and all of the lessons that apply to substance addiction can be applied to porn addiction as well, including relapse.
Someone once said that for a recovering addict, the hardest thing to get used to, is the boredom. Having lived with a life that is built around getting high, having to then get used to ordinary living is hard, because nothing else can truly replace that high.
One of the things that all addicts need though is someone to speak to, when they feel like they need that high. It's why they have sponsors for example, in AA.
If someone has been 'clean' for a long time, then perhaps they have lost touch with their sponsor and thought they were 'cured' and didn't need that help anymore. But then they encountered a stressful situation and the sponsor wasn't available, so they re offended.
Someone once said that for a recovering addict, the hardest thing to get used to, is the boredom. Having lived with a life that is built around getting high, having to then get used to ordinary living is hard, because nothing else can truly replace that high.
One of the things that all addicts need though is someone to speak to, when they feel like they need that high. It's why they have sponsors for example, in AA.
If someone has been 'clean' for a long time, then perhaps they have lost touch with their sponsor and thought they were 'cured' and didn't need that help anymore. But then they encountered a stressful situation and the sponsor wasn't available, so they re offended.
Hi Titania,
I know exactly how you feel. My person was my husband. We'd been together 30 years and had 4 children when we got the first knock (he had reoffended too). He phoned me from prison the day after and told me he'd had these feelings since puberty. I'd been married to and living with and had children with a P and knew nothing about it until the knock. All this years. So, I really do know how you feel. X
I know exactly how you feel. My person was my husband. We'd been together 30 years and had 4 children when we got the first knock (he had reoffended too). He phoned me from prison the day after and told me he'd had these feelings since puberty. I'd been married to and living with and had children with a P and knew nothing about it until the knock. All this years. So, I really do know how you feel. X