heartbroken and lonely
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Hi everyone,
Been trying to pluck up the courage to post something for a couple of days now so just been reading all the other posts.
My sibling got sentenced last week and it was released to the papers the same day. I had no idea the extent of what he had done and i just feel so sick and betrayed, i can not stand by him during this. I work for the NHS so this is going to appear on my enhanced DBS which has just made me even angrier that something he has done has tainted my own life.
I worry constantly for my parents and how they are going to deal with this. He's lost his job and most of his friends so i do feel bad for him in that regard but i also don't because it's his own fault. I just can't deal with how angry I feel.
Is there anyone here that is a few years on and can give me hope for the future, that it won't feel as terrible as it currently does?
Im not sure what i'm posting for other than to rant and to maybe feel less alone in this situation. I'd like to thank everyone who has posted on this forum before as the posts have massively helped during a very dark time.
Been trying to pluck up the courage to post something for a couple of days now so just been reading all the other posts.
My sibling got sentenced last week and it was released to the papers the same day. I had no idea the extent of what he had done and i just feel so sick and betrayed, i can not stand by him during this. I work for the NHS so this is going to appear on my enhanced DBS which has just made me even angrier that something he has done has tainted my own life.
I worry constantly for my parents and how they are going to deal with this. He's lost his job and most of his friends so i do feel bad for him in that regard but i also don't because it's his own fault. I just can't deal with how angry I feel.
Is there anyone here that is a few years on and can give me hope for the future, that it won't feel as terrible as it currently does?
Im not sure what i'm posting for other than to rant and to maybe feel less alone in this situation. I'd like to thank everyone who has posted on this forum before as the posts have massively helped during a very dark time.
Mine was my husband. Married a long time.
It blew our family apart. My kids no longer have contact with him - they are adults so can make their own minds up.
His Mum was devastated but although I have had to deal with the media fallout she didn't ask she is not local. I also have not told her the full story.
I am coming out of this the other side. You just find a new normal and eventually it stops being the first thing you think of as soon. As you wake up etc.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
It blew our family apart. My kids no longer have contact with him - they are adults so can make their own minds up.
His Mum was devastated but although I have had to deal with the media fallout she didn't ask she is not local. I also have not told her the full story.
I am coming out of this the other side. You just find a new normal and eventually it stops being the first thing you think of as soon. As you wake up etc.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Hi bowtie,
I'm so sorry to read about your sibling and the impact it has already had on you and your family. I'm afraid I can't offer any support from further down the line, as I am going through this all now, but I wanted to offer some solidarity and say that I understand the awful and complex emotions you're dealing with. I know someone with more experience will be along to offer some advice, but in the meantime, please know you're not alone.
I'm so sorry to read about your sibling and the impact it has already had on you and your family. I'm afraid I can't offer any support from further down the line, as I am going through this all now, but I wanted to offer some solidarity and say that I understand the awful and complex emotions you're dealing with. I know someone with more experience will be along to offer some advice, but in the meantime, please know you're not alone.
Well done bowtie - you've bravely posted, it takes courage.
i can understand your absolute anger towards your sibling - it's a very prominent first emotion. I was furious my son had caused us - his loving family - such devastation by what he'd done.
As time passes other emotions come into play, the shock will begin to mellow and you take a different path as you rebuild your life.
With hindsight I'd just say perhaps the obvious - take each day at a time. Don't strive for immediate answers or conclusions. Respect other people's opinions (which might or might not change). Look after yourself and most important make decisions that make YOU happy, don't just go along with what people 'expect' you to do.
its very hard but we are here for you and you WILL be ok xxxxx
i can understand your absolute anger towards your sibling - it's a very prominent first emotion. I was furious my son had caused us - his loving family - such devastation by what he'd done.
As time passes other emotions come into play, the shock will begin to mellow and you take a different path as you rebuild your life.
With hindsight I'd just say perhaps the obvious - take each day at a time. Don't strive for immediate answers or conclusions. Respect other people's opinions (which might or might not change). Look after yourself and most important make decisions that make YOU happy, don't just go along with what people 'expect' you to do.
its very hard but we are here for you and you WILL be ok xxxxx
Hi bowtie, I'm sorry you've found yourself joining us here but you've come to the right place for support.
It must have been a terrible shock for you if you weren't aware of the details before your sibling went to court. I'm not sure if you heard the details in court or read them in the paper but if it was in the paper then what you've read may well be exaggerated. I'm here because of my son and the media added bits to his case, twisted what was said and called him names in the headlines to gain more views.
I also have an enhanced DBS for work but there's no reason why my sons criminal record would show on it. You have done nothing wrong so your siblings offending doesn't have to taint your life. My daughter has stood by her brother all the way through his journey, she also has an enhanced DBS and it's also never affected her or her career.
As a parent myself I really feel for your parents as I'm sure they'll be struggling. Just like your sibling, my son lost his job and his friends, he also lost his marriage, home and family life. Yes he did a terrible thing but my love for my son is unconditional so it's been so difficult watching my son suffer so much.
We are now one year post sentencing and life does get better. It will never be what it was but gradually you'll find you can breath more easily, focus on something other than how you're feeling or what you're siblings done, laugh out loud again and realise that what your siblings done doesn't have to define him or you.
It must have been a terrible shock for you if you weren't aware of the details before your sibling went to court. I'm not sure if you heard the details in court or read them in the paper but if it was in the paper then what you've read may well be exaggerated. I'm here because of my son and the media added bits to his case, twisted what was said and called him names in the headlines to gain more views.
I also have an enhanced DBS for work but there's no reason why my sons criminal record would show on it. You have done nothing wrong so your siblings offending doesn't have to taint your life. My daughter has stood by her brother all the way through his journey, she also has an enhanced DBS and it's also never affected her or her career.
As a parent myself I really feel for your parents as I'm sure they'll be struggling. Just like your sibling, my son lost his job and his friends, he also lost his marriage, home and family life. Yes he did a terrible thing but my love for my son is unconditional so it's been so difficult watching my son suffer so much.
We are now one year post sentencing and life does get better. It will never be what it was but gradually you'll find you can breath more easily, focus on something other than how you're feeling or what you're siblings done, laugh out loud again and realise that what your siblings done doesn't have to define him or you.
Thank you for the replies everyone. I'm trying my best to take every day as it comes and my family are encouraging me to think about myself for once and live my life. I'm sure it'll get easier as it goes.
I'm glad that if I'm in this horrible situation that I've found this forum with you lovely people - ever so grateful for your support x
I'm glad that if I'm in this horrible situation that I've found this forum with you lovely people - ever so grateful for your support x
Hi, the offender was my husband. His brother and our daughter both worked for the NHS. They had to declare what had happened straight away. My daughter was about to sit her first year as a medical student exams. You can imagine how hard that was. X
Oh my gosh, I expect many many people on this forum (and others who have lived this horrific experience but not engaged with the forum) can totally empathise with your feelings.
The feelings of loneliness, isolation, shock, trauma, grief, stigma, shame, hurt and rage forced upon us are extreme, and like no other. But you are not alone.
Having been where you are, I can also assure there is life on the other side. I thought for a long time that I would never again experience happiness. But that's proved not to be the case. There is lots for you to look forward to, and you may even find some unexpected silver linings to the darkest clouds.
Perhaps take a look at my post pinned to the top of this discussion board 'Journey to Planet Knock'. It seemed to ring true for a lot of others who read it.
Also, as well as this forum and LFF, when you feel the time is right for you, you may find it useful to explore some of the below:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
PACT: The Prison Advice & Care Trust (Pact) is a charity which supports people affected by imprisonment, providing practical and emotional support to prisoners’ children and families, and to prisoners themselves. Free confidential helpline for prisoners’ families and friends (0808 808 2003).
Prisoners families helpline: free, confidential support and advice for families in England and Wales who have a loved one in contact with the criminal justice system.
SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
In the event of a custodial sentence, 'www.emailaprisoner' and 'prisonvoicemail.com' are really easy-to-use and valuable ways to keep in touch (if you want to!).
The feelings of loneliness, isolation, shock, trauma, grief, stigma, shame, hurt and rage forced upon us are extreme, and like no other. But you are not alone.
Having been where you are, I can also assure there is life on the other side. I thought for a long time that I would never again experience happiness. But that's proved not to be the case. There is lots for you to look forward to, and you may even find some unexpected silver linings to the darkest clouds.
Perhaps take a look at my post pinned to the top of this discussion board 'Journey to Planet Knock'. It seemed to ring true for a lot of others who read it.
Also, as well as this forum and LFF, when you feel the time is right for you, you may find it useful to explore some of the below:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
PACT: The Prison Advice & Care Trust (Pact) is a charity which supports people affected by imprisonment, providing practical and emotional support to prisoners’ children and families, and to prisoners themselves. Free confidential helpline for prisoners’ families and friends (0808 808 2003).
Prisoners families helpline: free, confidential support and advice for families in England and Wales who have a loved one in contact with the criminal justice system.
SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
In the event of a custodial sentence, 'www.emailaprisoner' and 'prisonvoicemail.com' are really easy-to-use and valuable ways to keep in touch (if you want to!).