8 months in...
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So I'm not very active on here but I guess I'm still just trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings.
As some of you may know I decided to stand by my OH as we are still fairly young, don't have kids yet and really do love each other he has helped me through some dark times with debt and various other things and that brought us closer. I feel like he is doing his best to get all of the help and support he needs to heal and that once this is all over we'll be stronger than ever and with all of skeletons out of the closet we'll be able to work towards improving ourselves, improving our relationship and most importantly building a future.
My main fear is people finding out. I think I could deal with him going away for a bit (it is a punishment after all) I could deal with looking after the house and cooking and working if he's doing long CS hours but I don't know how I will cope with people harrassing us. We haven't told anyone really (his family or mine) mainly because is family live in Ireland and don't see them often and we haven't broken it to mine because I have niece who is 3 years old and I'm terrified my sister will cut off ties with me if I stay with him. I adore my niece as if she was my own and I cannot stand the thought of losing her. My dad is also not very understanding he would judge and definitely label my OH and I'd be under a lot of pressure to break it off. This forum is the only place I can turn to and I just wish I had more people to talk to. Who understood and we're on my side.
My secondary concern is his job... he works in a call center dealing with mortgage arrears and he really enjoys it but more importantly it pays the bills. I've already struggled with debt and money management and am only just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for that. I just hope he doesn't lose his job so that we don't have to rely on loans and credit cards to pay our bills... I wouldn't even be to concerned about him losing his job if it was going to be somewhat easy to find a job but I know that it most likely won't be.
Anyway the main thing that prompted this post is my OH had a meeting with his lawyer today just to say that they had the reports and things back. They're gonna review the charges and he's to go back on the 26th after that it won't be long until the plea date and then around 4 weeks later (towards the end of Dec / early Jan) he'll have his sentencing.
After spending a few weeks/months wishing the wait would be over things are finally moving forward and I'm only more anxious/ scared/ worried. I'm proud of him for being as honest and as brave as he can be and he's already taken steps to recovery I just hope the judge sees this and there's bigger things happening in the court so that it isn't reported.
I know I've typed a lot and this has ended up a lot longer than I expected but does anyone have any insight or advice for how to keep it on the down low and/ or any advice on employment after this?
My head is spinning and it's just the same things circling it constantly
any and all advise would be greatly appreciated
As some of you may know I decided to stand by my OH as we are still fairly young, don't have kids yet and really do love each other he has helped me through some dark times with debt and various other things and that brought us closer. I feel like he is doing his best to get all of the help and support he needs to heal and that once this is all over we'll be stronger than ever and with all of skeletons out of the closet we'll be able to work towards improving ourselves, improving our relationship and most importantly building a future.
My main fear is people finding out. I think I could deal with him going away for a bit (it is a punishment after all) I could deal with looking after the house and cooking and working if he's doing long CS hours but I don't know how I will cope with people harrassing us. We haven't told anyone really (his family or mine) mainly because is family live in Ireland and don't see them often and we haven't broken it to mine because I have niece who is 3 years old and I'm terrified my sister will cut off ties with me if I stay with him. I adore my niece as if she was my own and I cannot stand the thought of losing her. My dad is also not very understanding he would judge and definitely label my OH and I'd be under a lot of pressure to break it off. This forum is the only place I can turn to and I just wish I had more people to talk to. Who understood and we're on my side.
My secondary concern is his job... he works in a call center dealing with mortgage arrears and he really enjoys it but more importantly it pays the bills. I've already struggled with debt and money management and am only just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for that. I just hope he doesn't lose his job so that we don't have to rely on loans and credit cards to pay our bills... I wouldn't even be to concerned about him losing his job if it was going to be somewhat easy to find a job but I know that it most likely won't be.
Anyway the main thing that prompted this post is my OH had a meeting with his lawyer today just to say that they had the reports and things back. They're gonna review the charges and he's to go back on the 26th after that it won't be long until the plea date and then around 4 weeks later (towards the end of Dec / early Jan) he'll have his sentencing.
After spending a few weeks/months wishing the wait would be over things are finally moving forward and I'm only more anxious/ scared/ worried. I'm proud of him for being as honest and as brave as he can be and he's already taken steps to recovery I just hope the judge sees this and there's bigger things happening in the court so that it isn't reported.
I know I've typed a lot and this has ended up a lot longer than I expected but does anyone have any insight or advice for how to keep it on the down low and/ or any advice on employment after this?
My head is spinning and it's just the same things circling it constantly
any and all advise would be greatly appreciated
Hi Hisangel. I had exactly the same worries and concerns as you. We've not yet had any harassment, it didn't make it into the paper or social media as far as we know but even still the local pub somehow found out within a couple of days of the first court date. Even now I still worry that something will end up being reported in the paper, I guess I'm always going to be living with that fear and what that might mean.
Ahead of court it's worth clearing up social media, disable Facebook / Twitter etc, remove any photos from your social media accounts. If the paper can't find pictures easily and didn't send a photographer to court you might at least stop his picture from being published.
i too didn't want to tell my family as I was scared of how they would react. However, that option was taken away from me by my husbands risk manager, my sisters children are aged 9-15 and so he said that he would need to either talk to her himself or put a call into social services, but allowed me a month to disclose to them myself first. My sister was far more concerned that I'd been going through this alone than anything else. You never can tell how people are going to react, some people on here have been disowned as a result and others not. I know I feel a lot better now that they are aware, as it's not so much of a big secret, and that I know there's people I can talk to when things get too much.
i'm on mumsnet with the same user name, so if you want to message me on there and chat, please feel free to do so, as I know how isolating and lonely this whole experience can make you feel.
Ahead of court it's worth clearing up social media, disable Facebook / Twitter etc, remove any photos from your social media accounts. If the paper can't find pictures easily and didn't send a photographer to court you might at least stop his picture from being published.
i too didn't want to tell my family as I was scared of how they would react. However, that option was taken away from me by my husbands risk manager, my sisters children are aged 9-15 and so he said that he would need to either talk to her himself or put a call into social services, but allowed me a month to disclose to them myself first. My sister was far more concerned that I'd been going through this alone than anything else. You never can tell how people are going to react, some people on here have been disowned as a result and others not. I know I feel a lot better now that they are aware, as it's not so much of a big secret, and that I know there's people I can talk to when things get too much.
i'm on mumsnet with the same user name, so if you want to message me on there and chat, please feel free to do so, as I know how isolating and lonely this whole experience can make you feel.