The suffering of women & our lack of selfishness
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Hey all,
I don't intend for this to be offensive to anyone and understand everyone has different circumstances so not everyone will feel the same.
Quick backstory - my partner (ex now) was arrested in 2021. At the time we'd only been together 9 months. He was acquitted at the end of 2022 and maintains he didn't do what he was accused of. He was an amazing partner and I loved him so very much, I was convinced once we got past that we would live happily ever after.
We haven't. I have given that man my everything and he couldn't have wished for more but it still wasn't enough. I've had 3 long term relationships in my life and none have been great. I think some men at the start of relationships see how great you are and think they will be enough for you but after a while when they can't live up to it, end up resenting you for showing themselves for what they are and ultimately it's us who suffer whilst we wait for them to change or be better. Men don't give us grace in the same way, I often think when reading this forum or seeing other situations in life - would they do the same for us and 99.9% of the time I honestly don't think they would. I think our understanding, empathetic and caring natures are taken advantage of and whilst that happens our mental health takes a battering. When I think about how I lived in secret for over 18 months supporting him and fighting for him all whilst maintaining a show for the outside world, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself because why did I prioritise him over myself all that time. Did I get a cookie from him for standing by him in a time he had nobody else? No. I actually think he resented me for not only supporting him but seeing him in that situation.
If I could turn the clock back having the wisdom I have today, I wouldn't have stayed. I'd have saved 4 years of my life and a hell of a lot of stress and disappointment. I'm so done with making excuses for men (in general not necessarily pertaining to the issues around this forum) why is it okay for them to lust after other women and do whatever they want and behave however they want but we're meant to be understanding and forgiving. I am decentering men from my life and seeing them for exactly what they show me they are and most of the time it isn't good. I am a good person, I am a good woman and I will never shed another tear over a man or try and make excuses for why he does something that I wouldn't do. It's better to be on your own than having to make excuses for the shortcomings of someone who pretends to be something they are not.
I feel at this point the rest of my username misses off "yMen" because I'll never understand why they self-sabotage a perfect and happy life.
I don't intend for this to be offensive to anyone and understand everyone has different circumstances so not everyone will feel the same.
Quick backstory - my partner (ex now) was arrested in 2021. At the time we'd only been together 9 months. He was acquitted at the end of 2022 and maintains he didn't do what he was accused of. He was an amazing partner and I loved him so very much, I was convinced once we got past that we would live happily ever after.
We haven't. I have given that man my everything and he couldn't have wished for more but it still wasn't enough. I've had 3 long term relationships in my life and none have been great. I think some men at the start of relationships see how great you are and think they will be enough for you but after a while when they can't live up to it, end up resenting you for showing themselves for what they are and ultimately it's us who suffer whilst we wait for them to change or be better. Men don't give us grace in the same way, I often think when reading this forum or seeing other situations in life - would they do the same for us and 99.9% of the time I honestly don't think they would. I think our understanding, empathetic and caring natures are taken advantage of and whilst that happens our mental health takes a battering. When I think about how I lived in secret for over 18 months supporting him and fighting for him all whilst maintaining a show for the outside world, I can't help but feel disappointed in myself because why did I prioritise him over myself all that time. Did I get a cookie from him for standing by him in a time he had nobody else? No. I actually think he resented me for not only supporting him but seeing him in that situation.
If I could turn the clock back having the wisdom I have today, I wouldn't have stayed. I'd have saved 4 years of my life and a hell of a lot of stress and disappointment. I'm so done with making excuses for men (in general not necessarily pertaining to the issues around this forum) why is it okay for them to lust after other women and do whatever they want and behave however they want but we're meant to be understanding and forgiving. I am decentering men from my life and seeing them for exactly what they show me they are and most of the time it isn't good. I am a good person, I am a good woman and I will never shed another tear over a man or try and make excuses for why he does something that I wouldn't do. It's better to be on your own than having to make excuses for the shortcomings of someone who pretends to be something they are not.
I feel at this point the rest of my username misses off "yMen" because I'll never understand why they self-sabotage a perfect and happy life.
This was heart-wrenching to read. I'm sorry Baffled, I know how hard you fought for your partner. I would never have thought he'd resent you for any of it. Sending love and strength
BaffledB, I agree with you.
I stood by my husband and don't regret it.
I also think that men cause most of the suffering in this world. Most wars, murders, physical and sexual assaults are committed by men.
It's incredible that women still love and support men so much.
I stood by my husband and don't regret it.
I also think that men cause most of the suffering in this world. Most wars, murders, physical and sexual assaults are committed by men.
It's incredible that women still love and support men so much.
BaffledB x
Firstly thank you for posting a very raw side of your journey x you have been so incredibly strong throughout this journey
You haven't waisted your last years in a relationship you thought was going to be completely different to what it ended up being, he had your heart xx
Firstly thank you for posting a very raw side of your journey x you have been so incredibly strong throughout this journey
You haven't waisted your last years in a relationship you thought was going to be completely different to what it ended up being, he had your heart xx
Hi, the ex and I were together 30 years, married for 17 with 4 children when we got the knock. I knew shortly after sentencing that I couldn't stay married. The trust was gone and he admitted to me that he'd had these sexual feelings since puberty so yes, he used me to try to create a "normal" existence and he did, until he downloaded the images 2 years before the knock. I lost absolutely everything because of him, became homeless and in a roundabout way, lost my 3 daughters because of what he did. However, I always supported him. I visited him in prison. I looked after him. I kept him alive. I believed wholeheartedly that he would never, ever put me and our children through all this again. How wrong I was. 2 1/2 years ago came the second knock. You wondered of the boot where on the other foot, if they'd do the same for us. For me the answer is yes, he would. I'm utterly broken by this man and my eyes are WIDE open now but I know he'd support me. X
And, I can't express and don't think I've even begun to process the 30 year lie I lived. X
It took me quite a while to make the decision to end my long relationship - thankfully nowhere near your 4 years. For a long time it was my love for him along with the fear of being alone that made me stay.
My mental health hit rock bottom and I thought about ending my life. What gives another person the right to do that to someone they are supposed to love? That now makes me angry.
I also think why wasn't I enough. Even though I've done nothing wrong - except maybe become complacent about my relationship and not having a high enough sex drive for him!
I'm coming out the other side now and creating a new life for myself.
Am I done with men? I don't think so. I would love a warm and loving relationship. But trusting someone again will be hard.
I live in hope that there are good men out there.
I know just want some fun back in my life. Some little adventures. And to enjoy living again.
My mental health hit rock bottom and I thought about ending my life. What gives another person the right to do that to someone they are supposed to love? That now makes me angry.
I also think why wasn't I enough. Even though I've done nothing wrong - except maybe become complacent about my relationship and not having a high enough sex drive for him!
I'm coming out the other side now and creating a new life for myself.
Am I done with men? I don't think so. I would love a warm and loving relationship. But trusting someone again will be hard.
I live in hope that there are good men out there.
I know just want some fun back in my life. Some little adventures. And to enjoy living again.
Here's my personal thoughts on this, hoping I don't offend anyone x
i think men are extremely weak and probably are ruled by sexual desires (?). Look how the most powerful men, incl royalty - men that have everything - prestigious job, money, loving wives, children & family etc - ruin everyone's life by their affairs and scandals etc. Little logical willpower or brain power dare I say it!!!!!
I often wonder how I'd feel if it were my hubby that'd done what my son has, I honestly think I'd feel very differently.
i think men are extremely weak and probably are ruled by sexual desires (?). Look how the most powerful men, incl royalty - men that have everything - prestigious job, money, loving wives, children & family etc - ruin everyone's life by their affairs and scandals etc. Little logical willpower or brain power dare I say it!!!!!
I often wonder how I'd feel if it were my hubby that'd done what my son has, I honestly think I'd feel very differently.
This is a fascinating topic and not easy to explain. It probably has something to do with the way boys are socialised. Men commit something like 98% of all crimes, not just sex crimes.
They are encouraged to take risks and to suppress their empathy, in order to acheive success. Perhaps girls also have more empathy naturally, because that is helpful for bringing up children and responding to their needs.
They are encouraged to take risks and to suppress their empathy, in order to acheive success. Perhaps girls also have more empathy naturally, because that is helpful for bringing up children and responding to their needs.
Baffled, this can't resonate with me in terms of the situation as it was my teenage son, but it does in so many ways.
However, could it be also looked at like this... it took "this" for you to realise your worth and that's powerful? You now know your value to yourself? You know you're incredible, a warrior, and can move mountains?
Is it a waste of 4 years, really? Or is it that you've gone through this and come out the other side and that's a testament to you and all you can achieve? You're amazing. You didn't waste those years maybe - instead you became this version of you that can kick a**e
Sorry if this is the wrong vibe but your post made me admire you even more than I already do. Realise I haven't been on here for a while and sorry if inappropriate but sending you love regardless x
However, could it be also looked at like this... it took "this" for you to realise your worth and that's powerful? You now know your value to yourself? You know you're incredible, a warrior, and can move mountains?
Is it a waste of 4 years, really? Or is it that you've gone through this and come out the other side and that's a testament to you and all you can achieve? You're amazing. You didn't waste those years maybe - instead you became this version of you that can kick a**e
Sorry if this is the wrong vibe but your post made me admire you even more than I already do. Realise I haven't been on here for a while and sorry if inappropriate but sending you love regardless x
Women empowering women!