Family and Friends Forum

Hi Lis

I read your post and can only advise you that only YOU can make the decision to stay or leave. From my perspective your partner has betrayed you and been dishonest. He has admitted to viewing indecent images, secretly having an emotional affair with his EX and planned a new life without you.

I stayed with my partner after he was arrested for downloading indecent movie clips. The reason why I stayed was his genuine remorse, the fact the amount of clips were in single figures and evidence from police that his viewing actions were over a few months and not years. Had any of these factors been different I would have left.

Finally there are others on this forum who's partners have committed 'communication' offences... some with the intention of meeting up with the real child or decoy. Had this been my partner I would have had great difficulty in reconciling our continued relationship and would have opted for divorce.

I think everyone has there limitations of what is and what is not forgivable.

It is a very hard decision for us and like the others have said no one can tell you what to do. I still remain close with my husband. We get on great as friends plus it's good for the sake of the kids. I can see hes showing remorse and the evidence that came back shows he only viewed images on 5 occasions. Which was in a space of 3 months so I feel it hadn't got to an addiction just yet. Only time will tell I guess to see what I decide to do. It's just such a mess for us all x

Staying or leaving is a difficult choice that only you can make. I've stayed with my husband after he committed a communication offence, I went from I'm definitely divorcing him, to I'm going to decide another time, to we can work through this over and over. People forgive affairs more than you think, people forgive people they love for all kinds of things including these awful situations. My partner was chatting with other women, I dont think he felt they were real people almost, its hurtful, its disrespectful and I never thought he was that sort of person. To me he isn't, hes always been a great husband, amazing friend, brilliant dad to the kids, our relationship had always been great in every way, if it hadn't then divorce would have been the only option. Its hard to forgive and move on from emotional betrayal, it knocks your confidence and your confidence in your relationship but only you know if you as a person and as a couple have the faith, love and commitment to work through all the difficulties. No relationship is perfect, no person is perfect so just think about if it's worth the effort and can you be happy. My partner ended up addicted the the fantasy world online and took it too far but I can see the remorse, the effort to change, the commitment to change and ensure it never happens again. Take your time and dont rush big decisions, if you need time tell him you just dont know how you feel and take the time to think about your options.

You have to decide what is right for you and I don't think anyone else can make that decision for you, even though people will probably try and persaude you. Even if you decide to stay in the short term doesn't mean you can't change your mind at a later date. Could some counselling help? It might help you to process the different things that you are feeling.

Lis, life throws curve balls at us when we least expect and sadly our worlds come crumbling down, reality is life has to go on and difficult decisions have to be made but only you can make the decision as hard as it may seem. After 18 agonising months we went to court and my husband got a suspended sentence, from the day of the knock he was very remorseful, changed his job from nights to days, worked through the stop it now self help modules, we had an honest and frank discussion after which i made an informed choice to support and stay with him. It has been a very hard and traumatic road to recovery but we moving along slowly but surely. One word of advice if you decide to stay then avoid been judgemental it will create many barriers in your relationship

wishing you all the best xx