Family and Friends Forum

littlebird

Member since
October 2024

2 posts

Posted Mon October 21, 2024 9:06amReport post

Hi

I'm new to this. My husband, after 41 years of blissful marriage has been 'found out'. Apart from the shock and betrayal I feel, I am wondering how I navigate the confusion I feel around staying with him to support, or living separately and supporting from a distance. We are both in our 60's and I never saw anything like this being brought in to my life - we were at a point where we were looking forward to a bright future for ourselves, our children and our grandchildren; reasonable financially stable with no huge worries. But now, I feel our world has come crashing down.

Alpaca

Member since
June 2024

24 posts

Posted Mon October 21, 2024 9:48amReport post

I can resonate with everything you just said. I'm married over 35 years and thought we were stable in our lives together and then we got the knock a couple of months back. Our life has been thrown apart. I've walked and come back so far twice. I still feel shell shocked. A grenade has thrown my world apart. My family want me to stay away and I may lose them if I stay. I find there are no winners. I have spent my life being a crowd pleaser but now I find it impossible to separate my thoughts from other people's opinions. I wish I had the answers for you. My only view at this moment is take one day at a time. Look after yourself as much as possible. It's a place we have been placed and so hard to navigate. I find the help line a tremendous support. Reach out. Sometimes saying how you feel I a non judgemental environment is really helpful. This forum is amazing with women who are at different stages of this horrid journey. Post often and reach out xx

Smile through tears

Member since
September 2021

2599 posts

Posted Mon October 21, 2024 10:32amReport post

I resignate with many things in your post little bird.

Now pensioners, financially secure after all our years of working hard, we looked forward to relaxing and stepping away from the rat race

But no, our son blew our world apart, blew our family apart, changed our lives in a day when his secrets were unearthed. We've found ourselves a 'new normal' but his actions changed our retirement without a doubt.

Edited Mon October 21, 2024 10:39am

Hugosmum

Member since
April 2024

19 posts

Posted Mon October 21, 2024 1:18pmReport post

you are not alone. After being married for 40 years we had the knock last December a few days before Christmas. I was blissfully unaware of what had been going on under my nose and my world fell apart and will be forever changed. Life is hard but goes on one day at a time. The first weeks/months are so very hard and the shock of what's happening effects both mental and physical health. I've stayed to support my OH and have listened into his therapy sessions with a StopSO therapist who has unraveled the mess that has led to the offending and it's really helped me understand how we've ended up here. I have stayed to support him as I truly believe he's not a bad person but I will never ever condone, forgive or forget what he's done. Until you are thrown into this indescribable nightmare it's impossible to say what you should or shouldn't do as everyone's experience is different and nobody else has the right to tell you what you should do. You know your person better then anyone else and you should not be made to feel guilty. There is no rush to make decisions and always remember to look after yourself...easier said than done. My inbox is always open if you want to message. x

InTatters

Member since
June 2022

175 posts

Posted Wed October 23, 2024 5:32pmReport post

Oh my gosh, I expect many many people on this forum (and others who have lived this horrific experience but not engaged with the forum) can totally empathise with your feelings.

The feelings of loneliness, isolation, shock, trauma, grief, stigma, shame, hurt and rage forced upon us are extreme, and like no other. But you are not alone.

Having been where you are, I can also try to offer you some hope and assurance that there is life on the other side. I thought for a long time that I would never again experience happiness. But that's proved not to be the case. There is lots for you to look forward to, and you may even find some unexpected silver linings to the darkest clouds.

Perhaps take a look at my post pinned to the top of this discussion board 'Journey to Planet Knock'. It seemed to ring true for a lot of others who read it.

Also, as well as this forum and LFF, when you feel the time is right for you, you may find it useful to explore some of the below:

Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.

Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.

Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.

Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.

PACT: The Prison Advice & Care Trust (Pact) is a charity which supports people affected by imprisonment, providing practical and emotional support to prisoners’ children and families, and to prisoners themselves. Free confidential helpline for prisoners’ families and friends (0808 808 2003).

Prisoners families helpline: free, confidential support and advice for families in England and Wales who have a loved one in contact with the criminal justice system.

SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.

Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.

StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.

Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.

In the event of a custodial sentence, 'www.emailaprisoner' and 'prisonvoicemail.com' are really easy-to-use and valuable ways to keep in touch (if you want to!).

littlebird

Member since
October 2024

2 posts

Posted Wed October 23, 2024 7:04pmReport post

Thank you all for your kind responses. I am already starting to feel well supported and know that I'm not alone. One of you said your in box was always open but I'm struggling to access it. Nevertheless, thank you.

AnxiousGirl

Member since
December 2023

235 posts

Posted Thu October 24, 2024 12:41amReport post

30 odd years married.

2 years post knock.

18 months since I ended our marriage.

I couldn't cope anymore with telling lies to everyone about our life. Going to prison brought it all out into the open.

I've still got a long way to go but life us starting to get better.

I have to keep reminding myself that I've done nothing wrong and hold my head up high.