Just no idea how to feel?!
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a month or so ago my mum got a knock at the door and the police were looking for my dad. He was at my house at the time and he left and I haven’t seen him again yet. Literally all of our worlds fell apart. They said he had been tracked and accused of viewing indecent images of children which he fully admitted. Im not joking when I say this totally came out of nowhere. He is the best dad to me and my brother and sister and amazing grandad to my three young children. But they took his devices and basically have just left us all to get on with things until they build the case which could take a year or so. He’s free to do what he wants is this normal?! Social services are involved as we have children. My mums kicked him out and we haven’t seen him. And it just all feels unreal still? I have two totally different emotions. I miss my dad who was such a huge part of the family and would do anything for us and raised us all so well. But also how do you see past what they have actually seen, and keep logging back on to see? These images let’s face it have to be HORRENDOUS of children suffering doing things they don’t want to do and he kept going back on to see them. How do you move past that? I don’t feel I can right now, but I feel guilt for the dad I know. It’s just the most horrific situation.
Hello
so sorry you are on this forum. It must have been such a shock for you and your family. It might help to go through your feelings with the helpline - if you are not ready for that the website also has some online modules for the men which can be helpful for family members who want to know “why”. All cases are different, however very often men who commit this offence very clearly can separate their “online” life from their “real” life - so looking at these images doesn’t necessarily mean they were thinking about “real” children. It seems that lots of men who commit this offence feel truly awful when they come to the realisation that any child suffered harm.
I know it is easier said than done, but try not to torture yourself about the images. We all try to fill the gaps when we don’t have the full picture, but you really don’t know what the images were of - lots of men get arrested for category C images, which could be a picture of a partially clothed girl who is 17 years old - this is still not acceptable but I suppose I am saying that you don’t know the full picture so you will only make yourself feel worse trying to guess.
somebody can be a good father and grandfather and have committed this crime - people are more than the worst thing they have done. They can also move on from the worst thing they have done. Society obviously has a very harsh view of this offence (understandably) but it is quite complicated and doesn’t mean he is evil or bad.
this must be so much to get your head around. You will get support and no judgement from the people on this forum. X
so sorry you are on this forum. It must have been such a shock for you and your family. It might help to go through your feelings with the helpline - if you are not ready for that the website also has some online modules for the men which can be helpful for family members who want to know “why”. All cases are different, however very often men who commit this offence very clearly can separate their “online” life from their “real” life - so looking at these images doesn’t necessarily mean they were thinking about “real” children. It seems that lots of men who commit this offence feel truly awful when they come to the realisation that any child suffered harm.
I know it is easier said than done, but try not to torture yourself about the images. We all try to fill the gaps when we don’t have the full picture, but you really don’t know what the images were of - lots of men get arrested for category C images, which could be a picture of a partially clothed girl who is 17 years old - this is still not acceptable but I suppose I am saying that you don’t know the full picture so you will only make yourself feel worse trying to guess.
somebody can be a good father and grandfather and have committed this crime - people are more than the worst thing they have done. They can also move on from the worst thing they have done. Society obviously has a very harsh view of this offence (understandably) but it is quite complicated and doesn’t mean he is evil or bad.
this must be so much to get your head around. You will get support and no judgement from the people on this forum. X
Hi Sansa,
I've literally just signed up to this forum and yours is the first post I saw and resonated so much I felt compelled to reply.
My dad is a convicted sex offender, currently serving a long sentence in prison for historic child abuse offences. He sexually abused my half sister (his step daughter) from before I was born and I only found out about it many years later when I was around 14 or 15. I am now 28, he was convicted 5 years ago and will be in prison for some years to come.
When I found out, the news hit me like a train. My dad was also the perfect father - not perfect but he idolised me and I was very close to him. So founding out brought a lot of denial and in the years since, has caused me to question who my dad truly is. Have I known the man I know under false pretences or is he the man I have always known but also the man who committed such awful acts on my sister who I have been brought up with and is no less of a sister than a full-sister would be. We are incredibly close.
All I can say to you is that I have come to the conclusion for myself, after years of torment, guilt, tears, pain and confusion, that he is who he is and his actions are a part of that person. He is not two people, but one person who has done bad things and is being rightfully punished for doing what he did. But he is also the dad that I grew up with, he is a talented and intellegent man who has a passion for creativity and music and loves to teach and to learn. It is only very recently I have found a way to manage the non-stop emotions and heartache that come with being related to and have a relationship with someone who is a sex offender and has done the unimaginable.
I go through waves of good and bad. Some days I feel so much anger about what he has done. I had a bit of a breakdown over it just a few months ago. It was like all the emotions I had bottled up came out at once and I couldn't recover from it. But then days like today, where I have been to see him, I feel okay and I can forget about what he has done and he is just my dad again for a little bit - giving me advice. I recently got engaged and had to have that difficult conversation of telling him he won't be allowed to be there and that was hard too.
I think if I could pass on any advice it would be to just do and feel whatever comes natural and don't worry about what everybody else thinks and tells you to think. I am the only person who has anything to do with him because I'm all he has now. My sister and mum support me and know the difficult position I am in and they empathise. I am not to type to turn my back on people as much as I wish I was and I could. Because it would be easier to cut him out of my life than to continue to have him involved. But he is my dad and I made that decision for myself. So you must think about what feels right for you.
I don't 'accept' what he has done but I have acknowledged it and I understand the implications of it. He will never have a meaningful part of my future life - as in my fiance will not have contact with him nor any future children I may have. He won't be allowed to just pop in for coffee etc. But he has me in his life and he is never going to be alone so that's enough for us both to cope with for the time being.
It's not going to be easy from now. You are going to have so many emotions and questions and anger and sadness and everything else. But accepting that those feelings are normal and part of the act of processing will help. I didn't realise that at first but I do now.
If you want to talk at all, please do let me know. Just please know you are not alone. I spent the last 10-12 years feeling so isolated and alone that it ate me up. I found support groups just recently and they have really helped with these feelings. There is also the StopSO support group with a great bunch of supportive people on there. Good luck Sansa x
I've literally just signed up to this forum and yours is the first post I saw and resonated so much I felt compelled to reply.
My dad is a convicted sex offender, currently serving a long sentence in prison for historic child abuse offences. He sexually abused my half sister (his step daughter) from before I was born and I only found out about it many years later when I was around 14 or 15. I am now 28, he was convicted 5 years ago and will be in prison for some years to come.
When I found out, the news hit me like a train. My dad was also the perfect father - not perfect but he idolised me and I was very close to him. So founding out brought a lot of denial and in the years since, has caused me to question who my dad truly is. Have I known the man I know under false pretences or is he the man I have always known but also the man who committed such awful acts on my sister who I have been brought up with and is no less of a sister than a full-sister would be. We are incredibly close.
All I can say to you is that I have come to the conclusion for myself, after years of torment, guilt, tears, pain and confusion, that he is who he is and his actions are a part of that person. He is not two people, but one person who has done bad things and is being rightfully punished for doing what he did. But he is also the dad that I grew up with, he is a talented and intellegent man who has a passion for creativity and music and loves to teach and to learn. It is only very recently I have found a way to manage the non-stop emotions and heartache that come with being related to and have a relationship with someone who is a sex offender and has done the unimaginable.
I go through waves of good and bad. Some days I feel so much anger about what he has done. I had a bit of a breakdown over it just a few months ago. It was like all the emotions I had bottled up came out at once and I couldn't recover from it. But then days like today, where I have been to see him, I feel okay and I can forget about what he has done and he is just my dad again for a little bit - giving me advice. I recently got engaged and had to have that difficult conversation of telling him he won't be allowed to be there and that was hard too.
I think if I could pass on any advice it would be to just do and feel whatever comes natural and don't worry about what everybody else thinks and tells you to think. I am the only person who has anything to do with him because I'm all he has now. My sister and mum support me and know the difficult position I am in and they empathise. I am not to type to turn my back on people as much as I wish I was and I could. Because it would be easier to cut him out of my life than to continue to have him involved. But he is my dad and I made that decision for myself. So you must think about what feels right for you.
I don't 'accept' what he has done but I have acknowledged it and I understand the implications of it. He will never have a meaningful part of my future life - as in my fiance will not have contact with him nor any future children I may have. He won't be allowed to just pop in for coffee etc. But he has me in his life and he is never going to be alone so that's enough for us both to cope with for the time being.
It's not going to be easy from now. You are going to have so many emotions and questions and anger and sadness and everything else. But accepting that those feelings are normal and part of the act of processing will help. I didn't realise that at first but I do now.
If you want to talk at all, please do let me know. Just please know you are not alone. I spent the last 10-12 years feeling so isolated and alone that it ate me up. I found support groups just recently and they have really helped with these feelings. There is also the StopSO support group with a great bunch of supportive people on there. Good luck Sansa x
Francesca, I may need to talk about this soon. My dad was arraigned recently for what I thought was a previous case that started with the knock around 18 months ago where all our devices were taken and they said their were indecent images of children on his laptop. I was so shocked when I arrived at court and discovered he is being charged with touching a child as well. I had been thinking it probably wasn't true, that maybe it had been someone else using the computer, or possibly he had downloaded a file of porn which happened to have some of this awful stuff in it, I really wasn't prepared for this at all.
I love my dad and he was a great father to my sister and myself and I can't get my head round the idea of him doing this. A part of me is always going to be his little girl no matter how old I am now and is always going to be unable to believe it. Part of me can't reconcile that with what is happening now, wants to believe it is all a mistake or a lie, and part of me can't believe a child would lie about something like this.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope here on my own, my mum died some time ago and all the rest of my family live in a different country. I don't know how to process what I'm feeling because what I'm feeling is full of such strong and complex emotions. I think I'm still in shock, with some grief thrown in, and so much anger at everyone and everything. I also have an enormous amount of guilt for not realising something was happening, for not stopping it, for not making sure he went to get help when they said that he had downloaded it, for not believing it was possible.
I can't imagine what you must have gone through and I don't want to think about this affecting me in the decades to come but I don't know how I will be able to get past this. I know everyone here is dealing with things as best they can and I know we are all hurting but I do feel so alone.
I love my dad and he was a great father to my sister and myself and I can't get my head round the idea of him doing this. A part of me is always going to be his little girl no matter how old I am now and is always going to be unable to believe it. Part of me can't reconcile that with what is happening now, wants to believe it is all a mistake or a lie, and part of me can't believe a child would lie about something like this.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope here on my own, my mum died some time ago and all the rest of my family live in a different country. I don't know how to process what I'm feeling because what I'm feeling is full of such strong and complex emotions. I think I'm still in shock, with some grief thrown in, and so much anger at everyone and everything. I also have an enormous amount of guilt for not realising something was happening, for not stopping it, for not making sure he went to get help when they said that he had downloaded it, for not believing it was possible.
I can't imagine what you must have gone through and I don't want to think about this affecting me in the decades to come but I don't know how I will be able to get past this. I know everyone here is dealing with things as best they can and I know we are all hurting but I do feel so alone.
Hello Meri
I'm sorry you have had to join this club which everyone wishes didn't exist... Please phone the helpline and speak to one of the staff.. They are really helpful and can provide advice and reassurance. Your story sounds sad and horrific and I cannot imagine how you must feel having to deal with this alone.
My partner downloaded images.. They were only a few... less than 5 however when I first found out I was broken hearted. Whether it's less than 5 or 55000 every image is a victim. Your Dad has now been arrested again... this time for a suspended contract offence... This must be devastating for you and this is why I suugest you reach out and phone the stop it now number, you need support and they can help.
All of us on here are dealing with the fall out of partners... family and relatives over stepping the boundaries of decency... loyalty and honesty. Not all are for images, some for chatting inappropriately.... others for meeting up with under aged children. And some like your father for actual contact offences.
I truly hope you get some support and I wish you well...its a long journey...
I'm sorry you have had to join this club which everyone wishes didn't exist... Please phone the helpline and speak to one of the staff.. They are really helpful and can provide advice and reassurance. Your story sounds sad and horrific and I cannot imagine how you must feel having to deal with this alone.
My partner downloaded images.. They were only a few... less than 5 however when I first found out I was broken hearted. Whether it's less than 5 or 55000 every image is a victim. Your Dad has now been arrested again... this time for a suspended contract offence... This must be devastating for you and this is why I suugest you reach out and phone the stop it now number, you need support and they can help.
All of us on here are dealing with the fall out of partners... family and relatives over stepping the boundaries of decency... loyalty and honesty. Not all are for images, some for chatting inappropriately.... others for meeting up with under aged children. And some like your father for actual contact offences.
I truly hope you get some support and I wish you well...its a long journey...
The press have released details from someone, details I was unaware of, everything is just awful, so much more awful than I had imagined. I think a large part of me was aware this was awful but also unable to believe my dad could do something like this. The lawyer was going to ask for a prohibition of publication because our surname is unusual but was too late. I had taken time off work because I don't know how to deal with this on a purely emotional level with this now I'm so glad I did because I can't imagine facing people with this knowledge out there.
I'm considering changing my name on social media too, not something I ever thought I would do, I've already locked the accounts down as much as possible but I expect to field questions tomorrow. I've only just found out about it myself and I'm already such a mess I don't think I can deal with this now too. I won't discuss it with anyone but that isn't going to stop people asking or talking about it themselves. Why couldn't the lawyer have asked to stop his name being published sooner? I mean it was probably bound to come out eventually but at least give me time to, I dunno, figure out how I felt. I don't even fully know how to deal with the emotions I am having, there is so much pain, anger, hurt, disbelief, guilt, and now frustration and fear have raised up to a much higher level.
I'm considering changing my name on social media too, not something I ever thought I would do, I've already locked the accounts down as much as possible but I expect to field questions tomorrow. I've only just found out about it myself and I'm already such a mess I don't think I can deal with this now too. I won't discuss it with anyone but that isn't going to stop people asking or talking about it themselves. Why couldn't the lawyer have asked to stop his name being published sooner? I mean it was probably bound to come out eventually but at least give me time to, I dunno, figure out how I felt. I don't even fully know how to deal with the emotions I am having, there is so much pain, anger, hurt, disbelief, guilt, and now frustration and fear have raised up to a much higher level.
My grandson has been arrested for a number of indecent images, he also touched his 18 month old sister, he is 17 and says he has felt like this since he was 13 years old. This has all only happened in the last 3 weeks. When it all first happened I broke down uncontrollably, thought I was going to die as I couldnt even breathe. My feelings inside are so numb, I am putting a barrier up as they are both my grandchildren that I love dearly. I should hate him, and I do for what his done but I am still feeling so protective over him. Keep reading things about abuse and feel someone that acts this way is ill. This is my only way of coping atthe moment, as I am scared to let my feeling go and end up having a breakdown.
I am so sorry to read all these posts and cannot imagine what it is doing to you all and more importantly,younger children in the household who now will have their life blighted by the way in which those in charge are not doing the right thing to stop the image side of thing at source.
Class31
I think the problem with closing down the sites is that as soon as one closes 2 new ones open up, there is a lot of money to be made in this industry.
Is love nothing more than for it all to disappear but unfortunately I'm not that'll happen in my life time.
The best thing we can do is to is to try and highlight the effect this has on us and our families as we're not recognised as being secondary victims, not forgetting the children in the images are the first and foremost victims
Trouble is it's such a secretive crime/experience because of the possible repercussions from others
Tracey
I think the problem with closing down the sites is that as soon as one closes 2 new ones open up, there is a lot of money to be made in this industry.
Is love nothing more than for it all to disappear but unfortunately I'm not that'll happen in my life time.
The best thing we can do is to is to try and highlight the effect this has on us and our families as we're not recognised as being secondary victims, not forgetting the children in the images are the first and foremost victims
Trouble is it's such a secretive crime/experience because of the possible repercussions from others
Tracey
It does not require sites to be closed down.Much goes on via "social media" where those who should not upload images should be stopped from doing so,and I am not talking about adults.
Re the "dark web",I know that ISPs could do something about it.I am not going to go into details as I shall be airing them somewhere else,but it does not take a genius to work out how.
Re the "dark web",I know that ISPs could do something about it.I am not going to go into details as I shall be airing them somewhere else,but it does not take a genius to work out how.