Help and advice please
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Hello I'm very new to this and am really struggling.
The man I've known for 7 years is not who I thought he was. We worked together for four years and became very close during that time over the last four years he has been my very best friend and we where together for the last two. There was never anything that made me question his character in all this time.
A few months ago I found a bearly legal Reddit thread on his phone and I spoke to him about it l. He said he knew that was wrong and that he wouldn't do anything like. I asked him out right are you a peodophile?? And he promised me he wasn't. I believed him and took it as that it was a stupid click while looking for smut to read.
He was staying in my house for the last month as a trail living together and it was going really well. I was really excited about our future and all our plans for it. There where never any signs.
Until Friday when I opened his laptop and saw he has left open his downloaded file page. There were locked icons that where odd and some video icons. I found three videos that where unlocked. I saw what was on them. - I now know form Google the videos I saw are category B.
I spoke rang him and when asked how they got on there "I think you know" is all he could say and then him pleading "please this isn't me" but it is him he did it.
I reported him myself and now I can barely function. I can't have him in my life anymore beyond this but all I want is my best friend back and I never can because of this. If I let him back in I would not be able to do my job, volunteer or be near my family anymore...he knew all of this.
How do I get these images out of my head?? How ba where the locked ones?? Did he leave it for me to find on purpose?? How could he do this and I never knew?? How do I get past this?? Please help me.
The man I've known for 7 years is not who I thought he was. We worked together for four years and became very close during that time over the last four years he has been my very best friend and we where together for the last two. There was never anything that made me question his character in all this time.
A few months ago I found a bearly legal Reddit thread on his phone and I spoke to him about it l. He said he knew that was wrong and that he wouldn't do anything like. I asked him out right are you a peodophile?? And he promised me he wasn't. I believed him and took it as that it was a stupid click while looking for smut to read.
He was staying in my house for the last month as a trail living together and it was going really well. I was really excited about our future and all our plans for it. There where never any signs.
Until Friday when I opened his laptop and saw he has left open his downloaded file page. There were locked icons that where odd and some video icons. I found three videos that where unlocked. I saw what was on them. - I now know form Google the videos I saw are category B.
I spoke rang him and when asked how they got on there "I think you know" is all he could say and then him pleading "please this isn't me" but it is him he did it.
I reported him myself and now I can barely function. I can't have him in my life anymore beyond this but all I want is my best friend back and I never can because of this. If I let him back in I would not be able to do my job, volunteer or be near my family anymore...he knew all of this.
How do I get these images out of my head?? How ba where the locked ones?? Did he leave it for me to find on purpose?? How could he do this and I never knew?? How do I get past this?? Please help me.
Can't imagine the pain you are in having to report these but you defo done the right thing , it will get him into a lot of trouble but sound like he needs help to stop him doing these things . X
Hi, I think these men are often extremely selfish and stupid. I doubt he left them there wide open for you to find but who knows? Although it's a long way off, if he gets charged and then sentenced, you can go to court on that day to get all the facts or you can send a volunteer to go in your place. I agree with you 100%, you can't have him in your life going forwards. Even if he promised you he'd never do anything like this again, you'll always be wondering and looking over your shoulder. This is just my opinion. Some partners do work through it but for me, I really believed he'd never put us through all this again. - he did, so we're going through this for the second time. 7 years of hell. You can always ring the helpline if you need to talk to someone. They really are very knowledgeable and they absolutely know what we're going through. I'm so sorry this is so hard. Xx
Hi, I feel your pain as I have also had to view some of the sickening photos my soon-to-be-ex- husband (who I'd been with over 20 years) had saved and printed out. I found them hidden in drawers and even some old DVD-Rs he'd saved them on, along with other indecent photos.
I was experiencing horrific flashbacks, nightmares, and the children's eyes were haunting me constantly. I contacted my local Wellbeing service through my GP and they diagnosed me with PTSD, for which I've just completed an extended course of EMDR and talking therapies.
I'm not going to lie, it's been REALLY hard going through it all again and the emotions have been overwhelming, BUT it has helped.
Although I'll never forget what I've seen, the treament has now 'filed' the images into the right 'cabinet' in my brain, so they're not as vivid.
I highly recommend contacting your GP or Wellbeing service (you can self-refer) to see what help is available for you xx
I was experiencing horrific flashbacks, nightmares, and the children's eyes were haunting me constantly. I contacted my local Wellbeing service through my GP and they diagnosed me with PTSD, for which I've just completed an extended course of EMDR and talking therapies.
I'm not going to lie, it's been REALLY hard going through it all again and the emotions have been overwhelming, BUT it has helped.
Although I'll never forget what I've seen, the treament has now 'filed' the images into the right 'cabinet' in my brain, so they're not as vivid.
I highly recommend contacting your GP or Wellbeing service (you can self-refer) to see what help is available for you xx
Oh my gosh, I expect many many people on this forum (and others who have lived this horrific experience but not engaged with the forum) can totally empathise with your feelings.
The feelings of loneliness, isolation, shock, trauma, grief, stigma, shame, hurt and rage forced upon us are extreme, and like no other. But you are not alone.
Having been where you are, I can also give some hope that there is life on the other side. I thought for a long time that I would never again experience happiness. But that's proved not to be the case. There is lots for you to look forward to, and you may even find some unexpected silver linings to the darkest clouds.
Perhaps take a look at my post pinned to the top of this discussion board 'Journey to Planet Knock'. It seemed to ring true for a lot of others who read it.
Also, as well as this forum and LFF, when you feel the time is right for you, you may find it useful to explore some of the below:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
PACT: The Prison Advice & Care Trust (Pact) is a charity which supports people affected by imprisonment, providing practical and emotional support to prisoners’ children and families, and to prisoners themselves. Free confidential helpline for prisoners’ families and friends (0808 808 2003).
Prisoners families helpline: free, confidential support and advice for families in England and Wales who have a loved one in contact with the criminal justice system.
SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
In the event of a custodial sentence, 'www.emailaprisoner' and 'prisonvoicemail.com' are really easy-to-use and valuable ways to keep in touch (if you want to!).
The feelings of loneliness, isolation, shock, trauma, grief, stigma, shame, hurt and rage forced upon us are extreme, and like no other. But you are not alone.
Having been where you are, I can also give some hope that there is life on the other side. I thought for a long time that I would never again experience happiness. But that's proved not to be the case. There is lots for you to look forward to, and you may even find some unexpected silver linings to the darkest clouds.
Perhaps take a look at my post pinned to the top of this discussion board 'Journey to Planet Knock'. It seemed to ring true for a lot of others who read it.
Also, as well as this forum and LFF, when you feel the time is right for you, you may find it useful to explore some of the below:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.
Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
PACT: The Prison Advice & Care Trust (Pact) is a charity which supports people affected by imprisonment, providing practical and emotional support to prisoners’ children and families, and to prisoners themselves. Free confidential helpline for prisoners’ families and friends (0808 808 2003).
Prisoners families helpline: free, confidential support and advice for families in England and Wales who have a loved one in contact with the criminal justice system.
SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
In the event of a custodial sentence, 'www.emailaprisoner' and 'prisonvoicemail.com' are really easy-to-use and valuable ways to keep in touch (if you want to!).