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How to trust him or is it all lies

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Alpaca

Member since
June 2024

24 posts

Posted Wed October 23, 2024 11:48amReport post

It has been 5 months since knock and while for the most part I'm okay. I just am trying to support my OH but my trust has gone. Initially he told me he didn't know why he went down this line. As time went on he has made up stories to make it not so bad (not possible) He has gaslighted me by saying some of the things that I know he said were never said by him. I don't know anymore. It's not like the truth won't come out in time anyway. Has others had this happen. Do you question everything and what's truth or lies.

InTatters

Member since
June 2022

175 posts

Posted Wed October 23, 2024 5:27pmReport post

Oh my gosh, I expect many many people on this forum (and others who have lived this horrific experience but not engaged with the forum) can totally empathise with your feelings, including the total loss of trust in the person who offended, and a ned to question eveything - even if they don't seem willing or able to give meaninful or satisfactory answers!

The feelings of loneliness, isolation, shock, trauma, grief, stigma, shame, hurt and rage forced upon us are extreme, and like no other. But you are not alone.

Having been where you are, I can also give some hope that there is life on the other side. I thought for a long time that I would never again experience happiness. But that's proved not to be the case. There is lots for you to look forward to, and you may even find some unexpected silver linings to the darkest clouds.

Perhaps take a look at my post pinned to the top of this discussion board 'Journey to Planet Knock'. It seemed to ring true for a lot of others who read it.

Also, as well as this forum and LFF, when you feel the time is right for you, you may find it useful to explore some of the below:

Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.

Barnado’s: helping children and families feel safer, happier, healthier and more hopeful. Specific support for children with a parent in prison.

Children Heard and Seen: support for children with a parent in prison and their families.

Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.

PACT: The Prison Advice & Care Trust (Pact) is a charity which supports people affected by imprisonment, providing practical and emotional support to prisoners’ children and families, and to prisoners themselves. Free confidential helpline for prisoners’ families and friends (0808 808 2003).

Prisoners families helpline: free, confidential support and advice for families in England and Wales who have a loved one in contact with the criminal justice system.

SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.

Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.

StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.

Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.

In the event of a custodial sentence, 'www.emailaprisoner' and 'prisonvoicemail.com' are really easy-to-use and valuable ways to keep in touch (if you want to!).

AnxiousGirl

Member since
December 2023

235 posts

Posted Thu October 24, 2024 12:43amReport post

The trust in my marriage went. I now don't believe a word he says. He must think I'm stupid.

Alpaca

Member since
June 2024

24 posts

Posted Thu October 24, 2024 2:40pmReport post

Thanks ladies for your replies. I live I Rep Ireland and can't access help here which leaves me more isolated and can't get him help as few councillors here deal specially with this. I have looked but it's hard to find support. The helpline have been my only help and even that comes at a cost as Ireland isn't in UK we have to pay for calls. I'm so glad to say for their calls thoughts as I'd be lost without. I think marriage counselling is something I am going to suggest to my OH if we are ever going to move forward and stand together in this. It so confusing my thoughts and they change every day.

JustAboutHoldingItTogether

Member since
August 2024

23 posts

Posted Thu October 24, 2024 10:05pmReport post

Trust can be rebuilt, for example with marriage counselling. It takes time though.



However, if he is gaslighting you then that is a huge red flag. The lies and gaslighting would be too much for me.

LittleRobin3

Member since
April 2024

323 posts

Posted Fri October 25, 2024 2:41pmReport post

Hi, my person was my husband of 30 years, 4 children when we got the knock 7 years ago. He was sentenced to 3 years in prison for iioc. My world fell apart and I lost everything because of him. I supported him for my children's sakes. I believed he would never, ever put us all through this again. 3 years ago he was rearrested and is about to be sentenced again. I couldn't believe he did it again. I feel like such an idiot. I know I can't never trust him ever again and that he will always prioritise it over us. I can't live with the constant looking over my shoulder wondering what he's up to. I'm suspicious of his every move. I don't believe a word he says. He lied to me for 30+ years. I'm sorry for being so very negative. Xx