Where do we go from here??
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Another boring moany post from me. Its been nearly a month from the knock, I think, I have no idea where the time has gone.
I hate him but I love him. I just want to run away...far away where not even my thoughts can find me.
I keep questioning everything in my head. This myriad of emotions is really taking its toll. On one hand I want to ease his pain and his concern for the future, on the other hand I desperately want him to feel just an ounce of the pain I feel. I want it to hurt, bad.
The countless things I have lost during this journey (for which I am only a few weeks in!) is immeasurable.
I hate myself more than I hate him. I feel worthless, disgusting and not enough for him not to pursue sexual conversations with others.
I gave my time, my body, my money so easily that it doesn't make sense to look elsewhere.
This is the worst pain I have ever felt. A neverending nightmare I so desperately want out of.
What have I done to be punished so? My life a continuous battle to feel something other than empty.
For those going through the same, I am sorry.
I hate him but I love him. I just want to run away...far away where not even my thoughts can find me.
I keep questioning everything in my head. This myriad of emotions is really taking its toll. On one hand I want to ease his pain and his concern for the future, on the other hand I desperately want him to feel just an ounce of the pain I feel. I want it to hurt, bad.
The countless things I have lost during this journey (for which I am only a few weeks in!) is immeasurable.
I hate myself more than I hate him. I feel worthless, disgusting and not enough for him not to pursue sexual conversations with others.
I gave my time, my body, my money so easily that it doesn't make sense to look elsewhere.
This is the worst pain I have ever felt. A neverending nightmare I so desperately want out of.
What have I done to be punished so? My life a continuous battle to feel something other than empty.
For those going through the same, I am sorry.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. My OH assured me it had nothing to do with me not being enough for him. He is not very open with me but have said that much. I believe they dont think, and please do not blame yourself.
The thing that I did was try and fill my time doing something I enjoyed and focused on that. It is not easy but it does help. I went back to a dog training class to meet epople and the fact they dont know helped. I joined a line dancing class, so for a few hours a week i am only focused on where my feet are going and not on my life. It does not stop everything but it helps. Even just setting a time to read a book, go for a walk and take in the lovely different colours of the leaves at this time of year. It will all help.
Please look after yourself. You are so new to this journey that you need to know to just breathe and take each day, one at a time. The feeling of wanting out of the situation and the longing for the life before has happened to all of us, but time and this forum will help you get through it. Xx
The thing that I did was try and fill my time doing something I enjoyed and focused on that. It is not easy but it does help. I went back to a dog training class to meet epople and the fact they dont know helped. I joined a line dancing class, so for a few hours a week i am only focused on where my feet are going and not on my life. It does not stop everything but it helps. Even just setting a time to read a book, go for a walk and take in the lovely different colours of the leaves at this time of year. It will all help.
Please look after yourself. You are so new to this journey that you need to know to just breathe and take each day, one at a time. The feeling of wanting out of the situation and the longing for the life before has happened to all of us, but time and this forum will help you get through it. Xx
Oh Serenity
I really feel for you. This is horrible pain & it is a deep hole.
BUT you will start to see a clearer sky. You have done nothing wrong. You cannot turn off your feelings for someone like a tap. You need to slowly adjust to a new way of thinking about them.
Please use the helpline & this forum,to understand that what you are feeling is completely'normal' in these circumstances.
Allow yourself to rest & heal. Write down your thoughts if that helps- the facts you know as well as the 'What ifs'.
We are all here to support you.
Sending warm hugs x
I really feel for you. This is horrible pain & it is a deep hole.
BUT you will start to see a clearer sky. You have done nothing wrong. You cannot turn off your feelings for someone like a tap. You need to slowly adjust to a new way of thinking about them.
Please use the helpline & this forum,to understand that what you are feeling is completely'normal' in these circumstances.
Allow yourself to rest & heal. Write down your thoughts if that helps- the facts you know as well as the 'What ifs'.
We are all here to support you.
Sending warm hugs x
I read a post on here about not being enough a while ago - and it really hit home. The illegal images aside. The porn addiction to me shows I wasn't enough. Surely a partner should be who they want not some other form if reality on the screen? What was he thinking about when we had sex? I highly doubt it was me. That disgusts me and I find it hugely disrespectful.
I ended our marriage for these reasons and there was other stuff that came out which means I no longer trust or believe anything he says.
I took have thrown myself into new hobbies and volunteering to fill my time. Also and finally have started looking after myself.
It's going to be a long journey but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
But how do you learn to trust another person? I have met someone but question every little thing in my head - thinking he has an agenda. In some ways I think I'm now self sabotaging my own future.
I ended our marriage for these reasons and there was other stuff that came out which means I no longer trust or believe anything he says.
I took have thrown myself into new hobbies and volunteering to fill my time. Also and finally have started looking after myself.
It's going to be a long journey but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
But how do you learn to trust another person? I have met someone but question every little thing in my head - thinking he has an agenda. In some ways I think I'm now self sabotaging my own future.
Hi
I feel exactly the same 7 weeks after the knock. The pain is horrendous, shame, guilt. He was porn addict and said, that he was chatting with women looking porno for many years behind my back. He simply said that this thing made him feel horny. What about me or our girl, what a stupid, selfish egoist and coward. He lost everything, but I also lost 18 years of my life. I don't think, that I will ever be able to trust again.
You are not alone
I feel exactly the same 7 weeks after the knock. The pain is horrendous, shame, guilt. He was porn addict and said, that he was chatting with women looking porno for many years behind my back. He simply said that this thing made him feel horny. What about me or our girl, what a stupid, selfish egoist and coward. He lost everything, but I also lost 18 years of my life. I don't think, that I will ever be able to trust again.
You are not alone
We were enough....just not enough for them. The issue is with them not you. We are kind loving and supportive people, good mothers, protective parents, good wives and partners. Look what we're doing in the forum; holding each other up. Some of us are still supporting our people despite what they've done.
My person is a full grown adult responsible for his own actions and at the end of the day he stepped over the line, lied and kept secrets. Yes we are all human and we all make mistakes and I understand how he got where he did, but he still did it. Hindsight is a wonderful and cruel thing. You will drive yourself mad with "if only". I was always there, I was always enough.....he just didn't choose to see it.
We all will come out of this even better and even stronger people, because I for sure do not want any more victims. There are enough already. You might not feel like you, you might feel like you don't have the strength. "What doesn't kill you makes you..........the proud owner of an obscure set of coping techniques and a dark sense of humour". Keep going, for those who still have all this to come.
My person is a full grown adult responsible for his own actions and at the end of the day he stepped over the line, lied and kept secrets. Yes we are all human and we all make mistakes and I understand how he got where he did, but he still did it. Hindsight is a wonderful and cruel thing. You will drive yourself mad with "if only". I was always there, I was always enough.....he just didn't choose to see it.
We all will come out of this even better and even stronger people, because I for sure do not want any more victims. There are enough already. You might not feel like you, you might feel like you don't have the strength. "What doesn't kill you makes you..........the proud owner of an obscure set of coping techniques and a dark sense of humour". Keep going, for those who still have all this to come.
Hi Serenity
I feel like that's my post you have written.
We had vigilantes at the door just last Wednesday my partner for 13 years and father to my 2 children had been chatting to others online and this from what I have been told so far ended up with him talking to 4 decoys ages 14 to 12 and he was accused of sending indecent images and asking for them. From my knowledge he didn't receive any. I don't know if he talked to other minor. He's now seeking metal health assistance.
He messaged me for the first time yesterday saying it wasn't me he was in his head since lockdown and use to occupy it by weed, projects ect and then started to just talk to to strange online, talked about anything and ended with the above. He said it was just talk he never wanted to meet someone new but then why do what he did.
I don't know how I feel about him at times , I worry about him I love him I hate what's he's done he's broken my heart my trust. Turned my life upside down as well as the kids. Like you also said you also want to ease their pain.
I feel like that's my post you have written.
We had vigilantes at the door just last Wednesday my partner for 13 years and father to my 2 children had been chatting to others online and this from what I have been told so far ended up with him talking to 4 decoys ages 14 to 12 and he was accused of sending indecent images and asking for them. From my knowledge he didn't receive any. I don't know if he talked to other minor. He's now seeking metal health assistance.
He messaged me for the first time yesterday saying it wasn't me he was in his head since lockdown and use to occupy it by weed, projects ect and then started to just talk to to strange online, talked about anything and ended with the above. He said it was just talk he never wanted to meet someone new but then why do what he did.
I don't know how I feel about him at times , I worry about him I love him I hate what's he's done he's broken my heart my trust. Turned my life upside down as well as the kids. Like you also said you also want to ease their pain.