Struggling with feelings/dreams
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Hi,
The knock came at the beginning of summer, we had been married for over 10 years and we have children together. There were no signs at all, we had a good marriage and we'd been together since we were teenagers, he was a great dad and I thought he was the love of my life.
When the knock came I was disgusted, terrified, in shock, angry. He went to live with his parents and I cut his contact with the children as I didn't want him to see them and I didn't want SS involved. It has been so so hard on my own and I've struggled so much.
He recently had his second interview and the volume of images downloaded was huge across all categories and the OIC said that he admitted that he is sexually attracted to children, which felt like a knife to the heart, it so painful.
I keep having dreams that I'm wrapped up in a cuddle with him and everything feels like it's going to be ok. I don't want to feel this way I want to hate him, and I'm really upset with myself about these dreams I just feel so stupid. What he's done makes him a monster in my eyes. And worst of all when I wake up and it all comes back it's heartbreaking.
I don't even know if he really loved me the way I loved him if he had these feelings about children and I don't want to love someone like that. I can't ever go back to him and I just want to stop these conflicting feelings. :( I'm so tired of it all.
The knock came at the beginning of summer, we had been married for over 10 years and we have children together. There were no signs at all, we had a good marriage and we'd been together since we were teenagers, he was a great dad and I thought he was the love of my life.
When the knock came I was disgusted, terrified, in shock, angry. He went to live with his parents and I cut his contact with the children as I didn't want him to see them and I didn't want SS involved. It has been so so hard on my own and I've struggled so much.
He recently had his second interview and the volume of images downloaded was huge across all categories and the OIC said that he admitted that he is sexually attracted to children, which felt like a knife to the heart, it so painful.
I keep having dreams that I'm wrapped up in a cuddle with him and everything feels like it's going to be ok. I don't want to feel this way I want to hate him, and I'm really upset with myself about these dreams I just feel so stupid. What he's done makes him a monster in my eyes. And worst of all when I wake up and it all comes back it's heartbreaking.
I don't even know if he really loved me the way I loved him if he had these feelings about children and I don't want to love someone like that. I can't ever go back to him and I just want to stop these conflicting feelings. :( I'm so tired of it all.
You've been through nasty shock. It will take time for you to come to terms with what has happened. Things will improve in time perhaps call the stop it now help Line and talk it through with somebody
Take care look after yourself
Take care look after yourself
Thankyou, I did call the helpline but I had a bad experience I was told repeatedly by the person on the line that I wasnt being empathetic enough, I wasn't trying to put myself in his shoes, 'poor him that you've not supported him', 'we have research about this and he's not attracted to children' yet in his second interview he's admitted this. So unfortunately I don't feel the helpline is a safe space for me, it feels like their agenda is to have them back in the home and not really to discuss my feelings.
Hi LRF,
dreams can be our subconscious mind trying to process things that don't make sense to it. It's like dreams about loved ones who have passed. Our mind craves that stability and security of what it knew.
Look into lucid dreaming, I believe there are ways of trying to get your dreams under control. I've not used them but have colleagues who have.
I'd also like to say that the police can twist things. He might have admitted to being aroused whilst viewing iioc this is not the same as attraction although that took years for me to process. There is also no context to it around age of victims, children in these offences are anyone 17 and under. I don't say this to excuse what he has done at all, there isn't any excuse for it. Whatever decisions you've made have been made with your children at the centre and are the best decisions for your family. You will all heal, it will take time but you will xxx
dreams can be our subconscious mind trying to process things that don't make sense to it. It's like dreams about loved ones who have passed. Our mind craves that stability and security of what it knew.
Look into lucid dreaming, I believe there are ways of trying to get your dreams under control. I've not used them but have colleagues who have.
I'd also like to say that the police can twist things. He might have admitted to being aroused whilst viewing iioc this is not the same as attraction although that took years for me to process. There is also no context to it around age of victims, children in these offences are anyone 17 and under. I don't say this to excuse what he has done at all, there isn't any excuse for it. Whatever decisions you've made have been made with your children at the centre and are the best decisions for your family. You will all heal, it will take time but you will xxx
Hi, your story is very very similar to mine. I'd been with my ex for 30 years when the knock came. We have 4 now adult children. We had a good marriage and there was nothing to indicate any of this. He was good to me and a fatalistic Dad. However, the day after the arrest, he phoned me from prison and told me he'd had these feelings since the age of about 13. Sooooo, he married me, had children with me knowing exactly what he was. Although he didn't offend until he was 45, we'd been in each others lives since the age of 21. I have wondered if he every loved me. I have gone down the rabbit holes of thinking our lives were all a sham. I know he loved me in his own way, still does. I don't think it's possible to ever really unravel all this, especially because he developed these feelings when he was himself only a child. I'm much much more angry with society for not allowing men like him to talk openly about how they feel to a Dr or Psychiatrist BEDORE they offend. But the hysteria that's whipped up around all this now prevents that entirely. I've given up trying to get any help with all this because as soon as I mention what the ex has done, the counsellor assumes I hate his guts and have nothing to do with him. It's impossible. X
Hi LfR,
Others are saying everything I'd want to write but I feel I must stress to you that the police will, and do, say whatever they feel will get them a conviction or co-operation, from the offender and/or their families. This can range from an exaggeration (eg 'there will be a result to our investigation very soon) to a complete lie. I'm sure there are officers not like this but posts on here show that they aren't as common as you'd hope. It's taken me many months to come to this conclusion but our own experience and accounts from many posting on this forum shows it to be the sad truth. Please try not to make any big decisions based on anything you have been told by your OIC.
Others are saying everything I'd want to write but I feel I must stress to you that the police will, and do, say whatever they feel will get them a conviction or co-operation, from the offender and/or their families. This can range from an exaggeration (eg 'there will be a result to our investigation very soon) to a complete lie. I'm sure there are officers not like this but posts on here show that they aren't as common as you'd hope. It's taken me many months to come to this conclusion but our own experience and accounts from many posting on this forum shows it to be the sad truth. Please try not to make any big decisions based on anything you have been told by your OIC.
Hi,
Thanks for your replies, things have moved very fast with the investigation, so they have already had the phone back from forensics and found 1000s of images in all categories and then he gave a full interview in which I was told he said that he's attracted to children, but the OIC didn't tell me that until I asked the question e..g did he say he was sexually attracted to children and she said yes he admitted that and what ages he said he was interested in, so because the investigation has now gone to CPS I don't see why the OIC would need to lie to me to be honest. I don't think they would gain anything from it, we're already divorcing and he has no contact with the children. I know it's not everyones experience but the OIC has actually been fine with me.
I think you're right that I'm craving stability and safety and he was that for me and it's so wild to me that hes done this because I wasnt expecting it. But I think I just need to keep reminding myself what he has done and said and be strong, time will pass and hopefully these feelings will go.
Thanks for your replies, things have moved very fast with the investigation, so they have already had the phone back from forensics and found 1000s of images in all categories and then he gave a full interview in which I was told he said that he's attracted to children, but the OIC didn't tell me that until I asked the question e..g did he say he was sexually attracted to children and she said yes he admitted that and what ages he said he was interested in, so because the investigation has now gone to CPS I don't see why the OIC would need to lie to me to be honest. I don't think they would gain anything from it, we're already divorcing and he has no contact with the children. I know it's not everyones experience but the OIC has actually been fine with me.
I think you're right that I'm craving stability and safety and he was that for me and it's so wild to me that hes done this because I wasnt expecting it. But I think I just need to keep reminding myself what he has done and said and be strong, time will pass and hopefully these feelings will go.