OHs and what they are like....
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Hi all - this is a bit of a general moan!
We are now at almost 18 months waiting for devices to be search and I decided to stay with my OH but now I see so much in him which is not nice so I am worried I have made the wrong decision.
He sees a counsellor and now rather than getting angry he blames all his grumpy moments on anxiety. Then once he has got himself out of his depression a few days later due to what ever made him feel depressed & anxious he expects the rest of us to be ready and waiting for him and happy / demonstatrate affection etc.
I don't think he sees the damage he does to me when he withdraws.
The weekends are hard as I work pretty much full time, and then at the weekend feel I do much more for our child then he does. Yesterday he did nothing and then said maybe I should take some time today for me BUT he is now out doing his own thing. He took himself out while I was taking out child to a sports class this AM.
I think he thinks everything he does is great as he cooks a couple of times a week and cleans the kitchen once a week, and then often blames it on my poor communication. I find it hard to talk to him as he takes it very personally but it is, as he isn't putting enough into the day to day and thinks of just himself and never me & our child.
Our child currently doesn't want to spend much time with him, so that is another excuse he can use to do his own thing.
Sorry needed to vent as I feel like there will be people in this group who will have similar partners with similar traits. I just wonder if this is just all too much effort.... and as time goes on re no responses with the devices, I think he thinks it will all just go away.
We are now at almost 18 months waiting for devices to be search and I decided to stay with my OH but now I see so much in him which is not nice so I am worried I have made the wrong decision.
He sees a counsellor and now rather than getting angry he blames all his grumpy moments on anxiety. Then once he has got himself out of his depression a few days later due to what ever made him feel depressed & anxious he expects the rest of us to be ready and waiting for him and happy / demonstatrate affection etc.
I don't think he sees the damage he does to me when he withdraws.
The weekends are hard as I work pretty much full time, and then at the weekend feel I do much more for our child then he does. Yesterday he did nothing and then said maybe I should take some time today for me BUT he is now out doing his own thing. He took himself out while I was taking out child to a sports class this AM.
I think he thinks everything he does is great as he cooks a couple of times a week and cleans the kitchen once a week, and then often blames it on my poor communication. I find it hard to talk to him as he takes it very personally but it is, as he isn't putting enough into the day to day and thinks of just himself and never me & our child.
Our child currently doesn't want to spend much time with him, so that is another excuse he can use to do his own thing.
Sorry needed to vent as I feel like there will be people in this group who will have similar partners with similar traits. I just wonder if this is just all too much effort.... and as time goes on re no responses with the devices, I think he thinks it will all just go away.
I didn't stay with my husband following the knock, and i think you are allowed to change your mind whether you want to or not. This is a huge trauma that he has burdened you with and in my opinion he should be grateful that you somehow saw a way to stay.
He sounds as though he is putting his needs and mental health above yours and your child and you won't be able to change someone that thinks only about themselves like that. You could say I understand you feel you need to put yourself and your feelings above all else to do whatever 'treatment' you need but I need to put myself and our child first so you need to leave and we'll decide if you can come back when you've done whatever you feel you need to do. If your married you'll get the house anyway till the youngest child is at least 18 as I'm sure he won't be able to have unsupervised and your needs for housing will outstrip his with a dependent who must be in your 24/7 care, in divorce proceedings.
Think about yourself first is my advice, they weren't thinking of you when they were committing acts they knew could lead to devestating consequences for your life too.
He sounds as though he is putting his needs and mental health above yours and your child and you won't be able to change someone that thinks only about themselves like that. You could say I understand you feel you need to put yourself and your feelings above all else to do whatever 'treatment' you need but I need to put myself and our child first so you need to leave and we'll decide if you can come back when you've done whatever you feel you need to do. If your married you'll get the house anyway till the youngest child is at least 18 as I'm sure he won't be able to have unsupervised and your needs for housing will outstrip his with a dependent who must be in your 24/7 care, in divorce proceedings.
Think about yourself first is my advice, they weren't thinking of you when they were committing acts they knew could lead to devestating consequences for your life too.
Your description is very familiar to me. I think it's all part of one of the personality types that get themselves into this situation
5 months in, I've made the decision to not make a decision until I've had time and space to breathe and to process stuff. I find him being here very suffocating and triggering, a constant reminder of what he's done to us, so he's moving out for a year to give me that much needed space.
Like you, I've had to deal with his mournful gloominess, and very demonstrative housework. I've repeatedly said he won't 'win me back' by cooking dinner or hoovering.
Currently I'm trying to 'let him show me who he is' and I can see he's trying really hard, and is desperately sorry. But his spark and charisma are gone, which is a very sad. I'm aiming for 'cooperative coparenting' as a good outcome.
sending you a hug x
5 months in, I've made the decision to not make a decision until I've had time and space to breathe and to process stuff. I find him being here very suffocating and triggering, a constant reminder of what he's done to us, so he's moving out for a year to give me that much needed space.
Like you, I've had to deal with his mournful gloominess, and very demonstrative housework. I've repeatedly said he won't 'win me back' by cooking dinner or hoovering.
Currently I'm trying to 'let him show me who he is' and I can see he's trying really hard, and is desperately sorry. But his spark and charisma are gone, which is a very sad. I'm aiming for 'cooperative coparenting' as a good outcome.
sending you a hug x
Took me almost a year to make a decision. I decided to end our marriage. I let him stay for that year for various reasons. I loved him - we had been married a long time. I didn't think I would cope on my own. Financially I didn't think I would survive. To maintain a good relationship with my adult kids who now want nothing to do with their father. I couldn't imagine the rest of my life with my kids being on the perifory of my life.
But I am surviving. In some aspects of my.lifr I feel like I'm now thriving. Finanancially going forward it is going to be tough - I'm in my.late 50s and will have to get a mortgage to buy myself a new home - probably working till I'm 70 to pay it off!
I've taken up new hobbies and making new friends. I've met someone - it's certainly not serious but it feels good to have some fun.
I made the decision for the right reasons and I don't regret it whatever life might have in store for me. I truly believe his offending would never go away and J would love my life waiting for it to come back and bite me.
But everyone's circumstances are different and you need to take your time to do what is right for you and your child.
But I am surviving. In some aspects of my.lifr I feel like I'm now thriving. Finanancially going forward it is going to be tough - I'm in my.late 50s and will have to get a mortgage to buy myself a new home - probably working till I'm 70 to pay it off!
I've taken up new hobbies and making new friends. I've met someone - it's certainly not serious but it feels good to have some fun.
I made the decision for the right reasons and I don't regret it whatever life might have in store for me. I truly believe his offending would never go away and J would love my life waiting for it to come back and bite me.
But everyone's circumstances are different and you need to take your time to do what is right for you and your child.