What do I do now?
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It has been almost 6 weeks since the knock. The day that ripped my world apart. My person is my adult son who still lives at home and I'm struggling. He has admitted to the charges but was not arrested. His devices were removed and he attended an interview at the police station.
The first few weeks were a complete daze. I felt like a zombie crying all the time, barely eating. Now I'm more present but am still finding everyday life hard. I'm off work and can't see at the moment when I will be ready to go back.
I've only told one friend who has been amazing but I'm not able to tell my family as it will destroy them. Most of my friends have known my son since he was born so I am avoiding them as well. My relationship with my son is very strained. We are being civil but barely interacting. We have always been very close so this is so hard for me. As a mother it's natural to want to protect your children whatever age that are but I cannot comprehend what he has done and am appalled and horrified. If it was a partner or husband they would be gone but I feel so conflicted because it's my son.
I think I'm just looking for some advice as to how I move forward.
Thanks for reading.
The first few weeks were a complete daze. I felt like a zombie crying all the time, barely eating. Now I'm more present but am still finding everyday life hard. I'm off work and can't see at the moment when I will be ready to go back.
I've only told one friend who has been amazing but I'm not able to tell my family as it will destroy them. Most of my friends have known my son since he was born so I am avoiding them as well. My relationship with my son is very strained. We are being civil but barely interacting. We have always been very close so this is so hard for me. As a mother it's natural to want to protect your children whatever age that are but I cannot comprehend what he has done and am appalled and horrified. If it was a partner or husband they would be gone but I feel so conflicted because it's my son.
I think I'm just looking for some advice as to how I move forward.
Thanks for reading.
hello there, you've done the right thing by joining this page here you will feel comfortable and secure with your thoughts as we've all had the emotions and feelings that you are experiencing now and yes it is tough , I found it helpful calling the helpline and speaking with someone also the woman was amazing and very professional and informative , no one can prepare you for this happening and we are victims also , you never expect this to happen to you it's always other people but unfortunately here we all are seeking comfort from one another on this horrible new way of life , I'm so happy that you trusted a friend who can support you and someone to be there for you , I'd presume it will feel different when it's your son how do you just disconnect from someone you've brought into this world , make sure you know all the facts if possible from your son so there is no surprises this journey can take take several years it's a rollecoaster and it's definitely not easy hope you find the support here that can help you in some way xx
Thanks. I did call the helpline in the first couple of weeks but think it was too soon. I've also had an initial assessment with talking therapies so am just waiting for that to be finalised.
I've only broached the topic on a very superficial level with my son. I don't think I can physically or emotionally deal with it at the moment. I'm still having some very dark days and seriously don't know how I'm going to navigate through this.
I've only broached the topic on a very superficial level with my son. I don't think I can physically or emotionally deal with it at the moment. I'm still having some very dark days and seriously don't know how I'm going to navigate through this.
I'm a mum too and i felt exactly like you in those awful early days and couldn't bear the thought of knowing the specifics of what he'd done. I told myself that I would assume it was the very worst case scenario (not that any are good of course!) to prepare myself for the future if that scenario was true. Looking back I think I should have been braver as for weeks I lived with the fear of what might be coming and I did get some peace of mind when my daughter (who had had a frank and honest talk with him in those early days because she has a young child) asked me if I wanted to know what he'd told her. Even then I couldn't find the courage to say yes but I did say to tell me what it wasn't so I could exclude those things, which she then did so I got my information by default that way, although there was always that niggly fear that he might not have been being truthful (I guess that's still there a bit as we haven't got to a charging stage yet).
It's a cliche on here but nevertheless true that these offenders are 'good people who have done a bad thing' and it doesn't define who they are. Your son is still there albeit with this horrible extra bit. I so hope that you can regain the relationship you had before as it's still valid and that you can have some conversations with him in the future as it might feel like a lifetime but it is early days for you both.
It's a cliche on here but nevertheless true that these offenders are 'good people who have done a bad thing' and it doesn't define who they are. Your son is still there albeit with this horrible extra bit. I so hope that you can regain the relationship you had before as it's still valid and that you can have some conversations with him in the future as it might feel like a lifetime but it is early days for you both.
The last paragraph of rainyday's comments is so very true. It took me a very long time to grasp my son was not a bad person.
He is STILL the same man underneath but wrapped around this dark period of his life. He deserves a chance, he's my son, I love him and I will give him that chance to move forward. Others would go against my decision but it's my son, my life.
Go with you gut instinct, try not to push him away, he's done very very wrong but he needs you right now.....
This doesn't mean you condone what he's done and I think that's where people get mixed up. They think you are sweeping the crime under a carpet and replacing it with sentiment, far from it!
He is STILL the same man underneath but wrapped around this dark period of his life. He deserves a chance, he's my son, I love him and I will give him that chance to move forward. Others would go against my decision but it's my son, my life.
Go with you gut instinct, try not to push him away, he's done very very wrong but he needs you right now.....
This doesn't mean you condone what he's done and I think that's where people get mixed up. They think you are sweeping the crime under a carpet and replacing it with sentiment, far from it!
I'm a mum too and also felt completely devestated when I heard what my son had done. As much as I hated what he'd done, my heart was breaking for him too and I really learned the meaning of unconditional love.
I needed the help of my GP and medication along with some therapy to help get me through those difficult days.
How is your son doing and has he reached out for some support? Its a very lonely journey so I'm pleased you have a friend you can talk to.
Keep reaching out on here, we're here to suppport you.
I needed the help of my GP and medication along with some therapy to help get me through those difficult days.
How is your son doing and has he reached out for some support? Its a very lonely journey so I'm pleased you have a friend you can talk to.
Keep reaching out on here, we're here to suppport you.
So sorry you have to join us Mums on this forum.
I found the helpline invaluable when it was all too raw and we didn't know all the facts. Your mind can't stop running off in horrible directions & as you say,it is maybe not so 'bad' as you think.
Try to encourage your son to do one of LFF courses to help him understand his behaviour .
I have told friends and they have been a great support. My husband is more guarded in what he tells.
My son is not 'bad' but he has done wrong . I believe he can move forward in a positive way I hope your son does too.
We are all here to support you.
I found the helpline invaluable when it was all too raw and we didn't know all the facts. Your mind can't stop running off in horrible directions & as you say,it is maybe not so 'bad' as you think.
Try to encourage your son to do one of LFF courses to help him understand his behaviour .
I have told friends and they have been a great support. My husband is more guarded in what he tells.
My son is not 'bad' but he has done wrong . I believe he can move forward in a positive way I hope your son does too.
We are all here to support you.
Hi, wishing you support and empathy. So many of us (and others not active on this forum) have been in your position.
In addition to LFF, my person found 'Safer Lives' to be a fantastic source of non-judgemental and specialist support.
Hopefully the list below might be useful:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
In addition to LFF, my person found 'Safer Lives' to be a fantastic source of non-judgemental and specialist support.
Hopefully the list below might be useful:
Acts Fast: support for families of children who have experienced or been impacted by child sexual abuse or assault. Advice, support and trauma counselling for adults who have accessed IIOC and their families.
Circles UK: focussed on reducing sex offending in partnership with criminal justice agencies. Customised restorative work to address harmful sexual behaviour. Specialist support for those with intellectual disabilities and/or autism spectrum conditions. Risk and safeguarding courses for families, and specialist therapy and counselling.
SAA: a programme and safe place to address and heal from sex addiction and harmful sexual behaviours.
Safer Lives: specialist and individual support, advice and guidance, focussed on welfare and mental strength and wellbeing for offenders and their families. Therapeutic, practical and educational expertise.
StopSO: specialist support and therapy for those concerned about their thoughts or behaviour, and for those impacted by the behaviour of others.
Talking Forward: facilitated peer support for people impacted by a family member or friend who has engaged with online CSA. Part of a group committed to research into and understanding of online offending.
We are 4 months into this horrendous journey with our adult son, he has now been asked to attend interview under caution with solicitor and responsible adult, oic has told us to prepare to go to court as they have evidence of videos and images. We are all devastated and not sure how we are going to cope, he is not allowed home to visit due to minors at home.