Family and Friends Forum

What to tell family

Notifications OFF

Spell123

Member since
August 2024

6 posts

Posted Sun November 17, 2024 9:22pmReport post

So the dreaded day has come and OH has been asked to go the police station tomorrow without his solicitor, we believe to be charged.

I always told him if he gets charged then I leave the relationship.

To cut a long story short, he spent the first year since the knock lying to me about what was going on with the police, and then he finally told me what they had found on his phone and that he had been in for further interviews etc, he spent the year promising me they would find nothing and he'd done nothing wrong. Then I found some paperwork which stated otherwise and that they had found images on his phone. Now he tells me he clicked on a link on a porn site and the images downloaded, which he deleted straight away. I'm not sure what to believe anymore but I know he was very embarrassed to tell me what actually happened and that's why he didn't tell me.

I haven't told anyone whats happened. Luckily we don't have children, but several members of my family do and I think if they find out what has happened, they are going to be mortified and possibly cut me out of their lives just for staying with him for this long.

My head is a mess and I still haven't decided what I'm going to do for sure. What did you tell your family had happened? If we do split up, they are going to want to know why and I couldn't bare to tell them he cheated, or make up a horrible lie like that, I also couldn't bare to tell them the truth and let them form horrible options of him. We get on so well, are best friends and are always out and about somewhere or other, so I don't feel like I couldn't lie and tell them we drifted apart either, as they would see straight through it.

I am so stuck and confused and would appreciate any advice. Sorry if this post is all over the place, I'm absolutely dreading tomorrow as I've been living in hope for the last 18 months that it would never come to this.

Thank you.

Inturmoil1974

Member since
November 2022

285 posts

Posted Sun November 17, 2024 9:30pmReport post

My oh was honest from day one about clicking on a link on a porn site, the link held 5 images 2 cat a and 3 cat b deleted immediately, we paid for own cyber expert and he proved that his story was true that is the reason I stayed with him as I had the proof it was never searched for

Spell123

Member since
August 2024

6 posts

Posted Sun November 17, 2024 9:48pmReport post

Thanks for the reply. I'm glad to hear that it ended like that for you :-)

What sort of costs were involved with that if you don't mind me asking?

I don't think it's just the trust thing that's sitting with me, it's the fact that if he's found guilty, we'll have people invading our lives for years to come. We'll never be able to have children without social services being heavily involved. We won't be able to travel to certain countries etc. Before this happened, we were halfway through moving to the other side of the world and we've had to cancel all our plans for that as we probably would have moved in January/February this year. I really just want some normality back and freedom. That maybe selfish of me, I don't know but I can't go on like this for much longer, I've completely changed as a person, I'm probably depressed if I'm being totally honest with myself. There's a lot going on in my head at the moment, I think I'd fill a book if I wrote it all down.

Inturmoil1974

Member since
November 2022

285 posts

Posted Sun November 17, 2024 11:14pmReport post

We were 12k all in with solicitor, I had to ha e peace of mind, it wasn't the quick fix but it's given us something to build on we are 9 months past sentencing 3 months to go and conviction spent I still struggle on days my mood can flip like a switch at points, I am also menopausal so that doesn't help either, we had full media attention sadly but I have to say my family, friends and colleagues have been nothing but supportive to me, my mind still plays tricks a lot of days but it's all in my mind

SakuraRain

Member since
October 2024

10 posts

Posted Tue November 19, 2024 3:18amReport post

Hi, I'm a month into this journey.

I found the videos on his laptop and reported him myself after he confirmed he had gone looking for that material. I told my family instantly because I have a niece and nephews who he'd been around often. We've had sleepovers with nephews while I don't think he did anything physically to them. He has photos of them on his phone that I'm concerned may have been passed on and altered.

I didn't actually break up with him properly but he knew that our relationship was over once I reported him. I'd never be able to trust him again if we had stayed together.

My family have been very supportive of me, but I know if I had stayed with him after this I would have not been able to be apart of my family anymore. I do believe if it had been a knock on the door and he denied it we would have supported him until the truth came out. I know I would have supported him if he had disclosed what he was feeling and had not downloaded anything.

But it's up to you what you decide to do or tell your family. But we will all be here to support your choices. X