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Advice after the knock please

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EmLou91

Member since
November 2024

20 posts

Posted Wed November 20, 2024 9:31amReport post

Hello

I am horrified that I am writing a post on here, a mere 24 hours ago I never would have believed this was happening. I have read some posts but feel I really need advice.

Yesterday morning, we received 'the knock' on the door from specialist police investigators with a warrant to search our home due to my OH being accused of possession of IIOC. It was traumatic and terrifying. I have never experienced anything like it. Me and my partner have been together 10+ years and I have never suspected anything like this.

Following his devices being ceased and looked at by cyber security who came to our home (I didn't know this was even a thing) my partner was charged. He was interviewed at the station and made aware that they have found 7x cat B images. They have obviously kept his devices and have sent them away for further examination.

After being bailed, he came home and appeared horrified himself. He is absolutely adamant that he never knowingly downloaded IIOC and is 100% sure that he does not know how those images are on his phone or where they were even stored. He was very open that he watches porn, which I already know and do not care about, and that perhaps the images were downloaded somehow while downloading porn videos. He says he cannot think of any other explanation.

The thing is, I genuinely believe him. He seemed truly horrified and confused and desperately searching for answers. I am not stupid and I am a realist, I know there is always a possibility that even the people we think we know inside out keep secrets. But I've seen my partner lie etc in the past and this was very different. I know my partner well enough to know if he was caught, he would cofide in me for support because at the end of the day he knows I love him. I told him that if it was true, I would still try and make sense of it and help him somehow, but he remained steadfast it was not.

Am I just being very naive to believe him? I fully expected to have the heart break of him confessing to something horrific when he came home (not because I suspect him, just because I am aware these things can happen) but instead I found myself believing him. Maybe I am being naive like I said but I just think from stories I've heard in the past about people who are guilty of possessing IIOC, that surely there would be more than 7x photos if its true?? Am I stupid to be supporting him?

I feel so anxious and sick, mostly due to the worry my partner will face legal consequences and for the impact this could have on his reputation and job. I'm scared people will think I am a fool for believing and supporting him. Has anyone else been in the situation where they truly believe there partner was innocent? Its worth noting we do not have children. Thank you for any advice.

JustAboutHoldingItTogether

Member since
August 2024

23 posts

Posted Wed November 20, 2024 2:50pmReport post

I think a lot of people on here have truly believed their person was innocent. Until all the evidence was laid out and they were convicted, or they later confessed.

Lying goes hand in hand with viewing illegal images imo.

You have every right to stand by your person, but protect your heart.

lostinthewoods

Member since
September 2024

52 posts

Posted Wed November 20, 2024 3:34pmReport post

Slightly different for me in that it's not IIOC but an online conversation. My OH swears he didn't know the person in question was underage, and has admitted that he had been talking to women online.

I have decided to support him, because I love him dearly - but I have made it quite clear that if he has lied to me then my decision may change.



We are currently in the limbo that is forensic investigation, which could take months (he has just had his bail extended for a further 3 months)

I am very aware that I could be wrong, and there could be more to be exposed through forensics. Time will tell. But until I have the full picture I will support him and help him - only then can I make a definitive decison.

Grapefruit

Member since
August 2023

38 posts

Posted Wed November 20, 2024 3:49pmReport post

Hi EmLou91

I'm so sorry you are here but you will find it's a great source of support, we're here for you.

As I read your post I felt that I was reading my own story at the time of the knock nearly 3 years ago. My ex was adamant that there wouldn't be more than the police arrested him on (3 at that time). I believed him, and stuck by him believing his shock and bewilderment. He would answer my barrage of questionning for months 'promising' there was nothing more.

I will never forget the horrific shock and devastation when he was charged 19 months after the arrest. Hundreds of images.

I was sick, devastated, horrified, collapsed, the lot! Utter betrayal. I still can't get past how he could blatantly lie to me for 19 months. He obviously thought he'd be lucky. He couldn't hide from the truth in the end.

I divorced him.

I sincerely hope that your partner's case doesn't go this way. There are cases of 'handful' downloads and I pray this is the case for you.

Be cautious and prepared. I really want your case to be just those 7. My best wishes to you both x

Sad&Scared

Member since
January 2024

73 posts

Posted Wed November 20, 2024 7:25pmReport post

You probably know this already, but be prepared for a long wait for answers. Its 14 months on for me, and I know no more than I knew in the first 24 hours. We haven't even had the forensics report back yet. His story is similar to your OH's, but he has admitted to a lot of other legal but awful stuff (a long history of online / offline cheating), so I have no idea whether to believe him or not, and we have separated. I could never ever have imagined the legal things he has admitted to in a million years. Its really shown me that you can live with someone for years and still not know them at all. And I think the uncomfortable truth is that anyone picked up for this has probably been in sketchy places, even if they didn't intentionally seek out IIOC. In your shoes I would push him to talk to both the LFF helpline and a good specialist solicitor - both will advice him that its in his interests to tell you the full truth now. Its then up to him whether he takes that advice. I wouldn't necessarily believe him though! Sorry!

Holdingthegrenade

Member since
June 2024

148 posts

Posted Thu November 21, 2024 10:06amReport post

unfortunately this came out of the blue for me too (and many of us here). I would hand on heart have said my person would never have done this, ands never have imagined it in my wildest nightmares.......but they have. They never denied the possibility of stuff being on there, or specifically searching for it, but said they didn't know what would show up because they didn't know what was being shared so couldn't say for sure what might be found. Each further piece of evidence revealed via forensics has broken my heart that the person I loved could and has done this (accidentally, unintentionally or otherwise).

The law is clear, accidental or not it doesn't matter. If you have images on your device you are responsible and must immediately report and delete. "I don't know or I didn't ask" aren't always very successful defences.

I hope it's all been a horrible mistake, and that he's not lying trying to protect himself and you. But please be prepared for a bit of a tough road ahead. Look after yourself, contact the helpline for advice. If you're struggling with anxiety/sleeping etc please see your GP who can help with referrals and medication if you need it. This can be a very very stressful time for anyone.

SH9231

Member since
August 2023

55 posts

Posted Thu November 21, 2024 8:39pmReport post

EmLou91 I'm glad you sought the forum out so soon, as others have said you will get plenty of advice here but prepare for the long haul. These matters don't get rushed and can take years between knock and outcome.

Reading your post struck a chord. I was in your shoes 5 years ago to the week. OH was adamant that he hadn't purposely downloaded any iioc but had been looking and searching for porn. Mass downloads from fileshares had resulted in 12 images across all categories for which he was sentenced to 2 years suspended sentence and 10 years SOR and SHPO.

After the case had been to court the OIC came to drop our devices back and told me he knew it was accidental and to just get on with our lives. Lives that had been ruined by this horrendous journey and the media fallout.

We have survived this. My advice is to look after yourself on this journey and prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Sending love

LosingIt

Member since
September 2024

139 posts

Posted Thu November 21, 2024 11:08pmReport post

That's a harsh sentence for 10 images! I just don't know what the judges think they are achieving by socially marginalising someone for that long. Would have thought community order and 5 years would be way more proportionate.

Edited Thu November 21, 2024 11:09pm

EmLou91

Member since
November 2024

20 posts

Posted Fri November 22, 2024 12:16amReport post

Thank you so much everyone for your replies and insights, its really helped in a time when I feel so alone and confused.

Of course it's worrying to hear how other people truly believed their partner and it turned out they were lying. I realise that is a possibility in my situation but am praying that's not the case, maybe naively.. I dont know.

Equally, it is a relief to hear there is at least the possibility that this could be accidental and that someone else has been in that position before, thank you so much for sharing with me. 10 years on the SOR sounds outrageous given those circumstances?! I am so sorry.

At the moment, I'm just trying to survive. I feel anxious and sick all the time. Maybe it's stupid but for now I feel I can only trust my gut and support my partner until I find out anything that changes that. I've made him aware that if he is lying to me, and it will come out eventually, I will not support him. I dont think it's only because of the IIOC (which is shocking on its own) but because I won't be able to live with the fact he could lie so blatantly.

I'm so sorry to everyone in the replies that's going through this, it's only when youre in this horrible position that you realise how much it can turn your world upside down. Thank you for your support.

Inturmoil1974

Member since
November 2022

285 posts

Posted Sat November 23, 2024 5:39amReport post

My oh was a link on kik through watching porn we paid for our own cyber expert as I needed to know it was not searched for this was proven and only retrievable by an expert had been deleted immediately he admitted seeing them and was horrified deleted the app and never went back on it, this was also confirmed in our cyber report my oh was 5 images 2 cat a and 3 cat b

hat

Member since
September 2024

14 posts

Posted Mon November 25, 2024 10:46amReport post

My person was the same, admitted to watching porn and clueless! absolutely not seen anything but came back 6 images and it's now with cps we are hoping for a conditional caution but not getting hopes up. I completely believe my person. It's been 13 months to get this far and will let you know out outcome when it happens.

We have found planning days out and things to look forward to have helped us any nice distraction to keep going. Even though you don't feel like at.