Terribly lost
Notifications OFF
Context - We received the 'knock' July. Regarding iioc (very young) for my adult son, he is high functioning autistic, this was sent to him via Snapchat and had been told that Snapchat had 'shut account before opening' but was still accessible for him to view. His computer and phone were seized but OIC was happy for him to remain at home with us with safety plan in place from SS due to 4 other minors being at home (3 looked after 1 birth between ages of 1 and 16) SS then said no and that we had to choose between 3 minors (all my looked after children) or him, my son made the decision for us and left, we were and still are completely devastated. He had admitted to us and to OIC that morning that he downloads 'thousands of files of porn' and may only watch one or two the rest haven't been opened but once his phone gets full he then transfers it to his PC (gay porn, not sure if this makes any difference).
Fast forward - He is such a good kid (i know I'm biased, I appreciate this) he had a good job but has since been layed off due to 'no work' so he has absolutely nothing to try to distract him no home, no family, no friends, no job and just seeing us for an hour in the evening. He seems to be coping well but doesn't like all this disruption. My son is not allowed to visit family home unless our youngest child is not at home. OIC has now been out and told my son he now needs to attend an interview with a solicitor and appropriate adult under caution due to images and videos located on devices next week (he will be released apparently) OIC has said he will then forward evidence to CPS for sentencing and to be warned its likely to go to court due to evidence being on devices) we have no idea what and how many and I can only assume this will be disclosed during interview. He is devastated and thought we would get a NFA. I mean come on why wait over a week?? We are going through what I can only describe as grief. SS has just advised us to follow current safety plans, this is not helpful when we have been trying to secure him to be able to visit for Xmas. Myself and hubby are also experiencing issues as I want to be able to see the positive and he is an 'expect the worse' it has been such a roller coaster and I love my husband and not just 1 but all my kids I am just so consumed by all of this that I fear i'm going to lose everything, prior to the knock we had the family lifestyle to aspire too and now I feel we are just 'getting' by, my husband doesn't want to discuss it any further as we 'go around in circles' and I 'keep justifying what he has done to this family' (i am not slating him as he loves his son)
I worry about how all of this, especially if press gets wind of it, will affect my other children, I worry where boy will live once this is done as returning home will not be an option if I'm allowed to keep my looked after children, i worry how he is going to cope, I worry how we will cope and I worry my husband has had enough of my tears, hormones and emotions and is only a matter of time before he leaves, he tells me my tears are not helpful and won't change anything (I do cry multiple times daily to be fair)
I'm not asking anything really, but I'm so terribly lost in my grief I don't see any glimmer of hope, prior to the knock I've never spend more than a week away from him since he has been born, we have such an amazing bond and everytime I see his face I just cry ugly tears, I resent this is happening to us so much. We have had a few birthday celebration since he has left and they have been completely and utterly miserable and resulted in tears as I hate for my son to think we are all at home enjoying ourselves I honestly cannot bear anymore celebrations without him.
Fast forward - He is such a good kid (i know I'm biased, I appreciate this) he had a good job but has since been layed off due to 'no work' so he has absolutely nothing to try to distract him no home, no family, no friends, no job and just seeing us for an hour in the evening. He seems to be coping well but doesn't like all this disruption. My son is not allowed to visit family home unless our youngest child is not at home. OIC has now been out and told my son he now needs to attend an interview with a solicitor and appropriate adult under caution due to images and videos located on devices next week (he will be released apparently) OIC has said he will then forward evidence to CPS for sentencing and to be warned its likely to go to court due to evidence being on devices) we have no idea what and how many and I can only assume this will be disclosed during interview. He is devastated and thought we would get a NFA. I mean come on why wait over a week?? We are going through what I can only describe as grief. SS has just advised us to follow current safety plans, this is not helpful when we have been trying to secure him to be able to visit for Xmas. Myself and hubby are also experiencing issues as I want to be able to see the positive and he is an 'expect the worse' it has been such a roller coaster and I love my husband and not just 1 but all my kids I am just so consumed by all of this that I fear i'm going to lose everything, prior to the knock we had the family lifestyle to aspire too and now I feel we are just 'getting' by, my husband doesn't want to discuss it any further as we 'go around in circles' and I 'keep justifying what he has done to this family' (i am not slating him as he loves his son)
I worry about how all of this, especially if press gets wind of it, will affect my other children, I worry where boy will live once this is done as returning home will not be an option if I'm allowed to keep my looked after children, i worry how he is going to cope, I worry how we will cope and I worry my husband has had enough of my tears, hormones and emotions and is only a matter of time before he leaves, he tells me my tears are not helpful and won't change anything (I do cry multiple times daily to be fair)
I'm not asking anything really, but I'm so terribly lost in my grief I don't see any glimmer of hope, prior to the knock I've never spend more than a week away from him since he has been born, we have such an amazing bond and everytime I see his face I just cry ugly tears, I resent this is happening to us so much. We have had a few birthday celebration since he has left and they have been completely and utterly miserable and resulted in tears as I hate for my son to think we are all at home enjoying ourselves I honestly cannot bear anymore celebrations without him.
I am so sorry for the situation you and your family are in right now. I cant even imagine the pain you are all going through. My situation is different - it's my partner that has been arrested and we don't have children - so I can't pretend to know what you are going through but I can empathise with the pain, anxiety and confusion you must be feeling.
I don't really have anything helpful to add other than to let you know I am sending you my love. Have you considered making an appointment with your doctor to discuss possible therapies or medications that might help you manage day-to-day? Even some meds to help you get a decent sleep might make a wee bit of a difference. I know you will be worrying about your son, other children and your husband but please try to prioritise yourself too. You can't pour from an empty cup. X
I don't really have anything helpful to add other than to let you know I am sending you my love. Have you considered making an appointment with your doctor to discuss possible therapies or medications that might help you manage day-to-day? Even some meds to help you get a decent sleep might make a wee bit of a difference. I know you will be worrying about your son, other children and your husband but please try to prioritise yourself too. You can't pour from an empty cup. X
I am so sorry that you and your son find yourself here. I can feel the terrible loss you are feeling which is completely understandable with everything that is happening to you, your son and family.
The young member of our family is on the autistic spectrum and we intially thought he would receive a caution. However, he did go to Youth court (as under 18) and received a conviction.
Young autistic men may have additional vulnerabilites which leads them down this path. You may find this case study,which hignlights these vulnerabilities, interesting to read on this subject.
https://pure.strath.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/120954333/Allely_2020_CYCJ_ASD_and_viewing_indecent_images_of_
Does your son have a solicitor who has good understanding of the autistic spectrum so he can best represent your son? Your son's vulnerabilites need to be put forward as mitigating factors if this goes to court.
How old is your son? If he is under 25 years old you may find it helpful to contact the charity 'Just for Kids' Law for support and advice. https://www.justforkidslaw.org/
Stop it Now also run a Young Persons Inform course which could be really worth looking into for your son. This course helped our young person immensely and they do cater for young people on the autistic spectrum.
I hope this information helps you in some way.
I am thinking of you and your son.
The young member of our family is on the autistic spectrum and we intially thought he would receive a caution. However, he did go to Youth court (as under 18) and received a conviction.
Young autistic men may have additional vulnerabilites which leads them down this path. You may find this case study,which hignlights these vulnerabilities, interesting to read on this subject.
https://pure.strath.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/120954333/Allely_2020_CYCJ_ASD_and_viewing_indecent_images_of_
Does your son have a solicitor who has good understanding of the autistic spectrum so he can best represent your son? Your son's vulnerabilites need to be put forward as mitigating factors if this goes to court.
How old is your son? If he is under 25 years old you may find it helpful to contact the charity 'Just for Kids' Law for support and advice. https://www.justforkidslaw.org/
Stop it Now also run a Young Persons Inform course which could be really worth looking into for your son. This course helped our young person immensely and they do cater for young people on the autistic spectrum.
I hope this information helps you in some way.
I am thinking of you and your son.
Thank you both for your replies.
He is 22, I will definitely look into all this information.
Just knowing I'm not the only person in the entire world going through this is such a tiny slice of comfort, not that I'm wishing for anyone to be here. X x
He is 22, I will definitely look into all this information.
Just knowing I'm not the only person in the entire world going through this is such a tiny slice of comfort, not that I'm wishing for anyone to be here. X x
Just thought this may be useful too..... the 'Youngminds' charity offers support to parents who are worried about the wellbeing or mental health of their child (up to the age of 25). You may want to look at their website https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/
Take care x
Take care x
From one mum to another, my heart goes out to you. I remember the pain, anxiety, hopelessness, confusion and overwhelming sadness only too well.
If you haven't ready done so, I recommend contacting your GP for help. My son and I were started on medication for anxiety which did help. I also recommend contacting LFF for support.
I know it's not easy but try if you can to focus on one day at a time. All my fears came true during our journey, my sons marriage ended, he lost his home, his job and his family life and his story was in the media after both magistrates and crown court but somehow we got through each stage as it hit us and you'll do the same too.
At the moment your thoughts are spiralling all over the place which is a completely natural response to the trauma you're going through but in time it will get easier.
If you haven't ready done so, I recommend contacting your GP for help. My son and I were started on medication for anxiety which did help. I also recommend contacting LFF for support.
I know it's not easy but try if you can to focus on one day at a time. All my fears came true during our journey, my sons marriage ended, he lost his home, his job and his family life and his story was in the media after both magistrates and crown court but somehow we got through each stage as it hit us and you'll do the same too.
At the moment your thoughts are spiralling all over the place which is a completely natural response to the trauma you're going through but in time it will get easier.