Exhausted and still struggling to make a decision
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It's been almost 9 months since I discovered that my husband had been having an affair with a 14 year old. This year has often felt like a living nightmare. We have found out that he is not going to be charged - all the services appear to be flabbergasted by the decision made. SS still remain involved.
Throughout everything he has persistently lied and as time has gone on he has become more and more bitter and angry about the situation. Barely any ownership or recognition of what he has done and more focus on things I've supposedly done since he hasn't been allowed home. E.g. moving a photo to reduce upset, having an affair myself which is not true.
I am so sad that we are all in this situation and I have been left looking after our two children trying to help them. SS have said he is still not allowed home and all contact is supervised. Thankfully my Dad is now supervising as I felt o couldn't keep doing it after 6 months. There doesn't appear to be any end to it all.
I'm really struggling. I'm convinced he just wants me to end our relationship so that It is another victim card he can use. When I truly think about things I have no idea how we could move forwards. Has anyone else struggled to make the next step? I just know that once I do things might become even worse and I can't imagine how I would continue to cope. I'm thinking the house, belongings, he's mentioned that he would fight to have the kids. Whilst it's very unlikely I just feel I have no fight left in me.
It's all feeling too much.
Throughout everything he has persistently lied and as time has gone on he has become more and more bitter and angry about the situation. Barely any ownership or recognition of what he has done and more focus on things I've supposedly done since he hasn't been allowed home. E.g. moving a photo to reduce upset, having an affair myself which is not true.
I am so sad that we are all in this situation and I have been left looking after our two children trying to help them. SS have said he is still not allowed home and all contact is supervised. Thankfully my Dad is now supervising as I felt o couldn't keep doing it after 6 months. There doesn't appear to be any end to it all.
I'm really struggling. I'm convinced he just wants me to end our relationship so that It is another victim card he can use. When I truly think about things I have no idea how we could move forwards. Has anyone else struggled to make the next step? I just know that once I do things might become even worse and I can't imagine how I would continue to cope. I'm thinking the house, belongings, he's mentioned that he would fight to have the kids. Whilst it's very unlikely I just feel I have no fight left in me.
It's all feeling too much.
Hi Sparkle, I echo what lee1969 said, I don't think I would have stayed if my husband hadn't been taking responsibility for what he'd done and been open with me about it. Deciding to stay or go isn't always an easy decision to make, do you have anyone you can talk to who can help you work through your feelings? Your dad perhaps? Or the helpline?
Thank you for your kind replies. It was deemed as an emotional relationship rather than a sexual relationship despite there being some contact. Everyone is still flummoxed as to why the case never went to court. Of course my husband isn't as he apparently can't remember anything. It's all so very sad and frustrating.
Everything's just so hard. Perhaps it's also the time of the year which gets your pondering on what could have been and the constantly feeling in limbo as I have no real answers or next steps from SS and everything seems to be very open ended.
Has anyone else struggled to make a decision? I think I know in my heart just the thought of truly being alone is scary. I do realise that remaining for the wrong reason is also scary.
What sort of support does the helpline give?
Everything's just so hard. Perhaps it's also the time of the year which gets your pondering on what could have been and the constantly feeling in limbo as I have no real answers or next steps from SS and everything seems to be very open ended.
Has anyone else struggled to make a decision? I think I know in my heart just the thought of truly being alone is scary. I do realise that remaining for the wrong reason is also scary.
What sort of support does the helpline give?
Sorry to hear your story,
I'm struggling to make a decision. But mine is without any knowledge at all. I have no idea what he's been accused of doing as we are no longer together. But I love him dearly and can't imagine it being bad at all. I've known him all of my life. We have had no contact for 4/5 months. If he is guilty then I know it will be be incredibly difficult to share a future given my work, ex husband etc. It's all such a mess. But I love him. The investigating officer does not believe that there is evidence of contact offences. Tough. XXX
I'm struggling to make a decision. But mine is without any knowledge at all. I have no idea what he's been accused of doing as we are no longer together. But I love him dearly and can't imagine it being bad at all. I've known him all of my life. We have had no contact for 4/5 months. If he is guilty then I know it will be be incredibly difficult to share a future given my work, ex husband etc. It's all such a mess. But I love him. The investigating officer does not believe that there is evidence of contact offences. Tough. XXX
Hi Sparkle
I'm so sorry he's taken this defence, my husband was and is the same, it was everyone else's fault and not his. He was the victim but the children he'd been viewing or anyone else!
We split very soon after the knock, I think I was reeling from the shock, anyway after the initial shock wore off, I missed him so much as I loved him, well the man is been with and thought he was for the last 15 years!! It took me a long while to get over loving him but I suppose it helped that he was so awful!
Only you can make the decision but bear in mind I doubt the would be a judge anywhere who would give him the children so don't worry about that.
It's such a hard thing but I guess try and imagine where you might be in 5,10,20 years time, does he feature in any of that??
Try ringing the helpline and if you haven't seen you GP please do, they are generally invaluable.
Take care xx
I'm so sorry he's taken this defence, my husband was and is the same, it was everyone else's fault and not his. He was the victim but the children he'd been viewing or anyone else!
We split very soon after the knock, I think I was reeling from the shock, anyway after the initial shock wore off, I missed him so much as I loved him, well the man is been with and thought he was for the last 15 years!! It took me a long while to get over loving him but I suppose it helped that he was so awful!
Only you can make the decision but bear in mind I doubt the would be a judge anywhere who would give him the children so don't worry about that.
It's such a hard thing but I guess try and imagine where you might be in 5,10,20 years time, does he feature in any of that??
Try ringing the helpline and if you haven't seen you GP please do, they are generally invaluable.
Take care xx
I am also in a position of having got no information from my husband about what he has done. Months ago he mentioned 'bad stuff' and 'very bad stuff'.
What I would say is don't rush into a decision. As soon as we had the knock I realized what a unique relationship exists between 2 partners. The level of intimacy both physical and emotional is very, very special. The fact that one partner has not only betrayed the trust in this special partnership but also caused their partner so much pain, embarassment, stress, fear and worry is hard to get past. Key to me is how the man reacts to the situation and the effort he puts into trying to repair the relationship. Surely, at the heart of this process has to be openness on their part.
I hope I haven't baffled you with all this. It is hard to put into words. Every situation is unique because of the people involved. But we must look after ourselves now and put us first!!
Good luck, take your time.
What I would say is don't rush into a decision. As soon as we had the knock I realized what a unique relationship exists between 2 partners. The level of intimacy both physical and emotional is very, very special. The fact that one partner has not only betrayed the trust in this special partnership but also caused their partner so much pain, embarassment, stress, fear and worry is hard to get past. Key to me is how the man reacts to the situation and the effort he puts into trying to repair the relationship. Surely, at the heart of this process has to be openness on their part.
I hope I haven't baffled you with all this. It is hard to put into words. Every situation is unique because of the people involved. But we must look after ourselves now and put us first!!
Good luck, take your time.