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Social services have began a protective parenting assessment on me, I have asked how long this will take and she said its not something that can be measured by time it just takes as long as it takes. She was asking me a few questions today and for example one question was when I think of my partners ofence and then think of my children how does that make me feel (partner was charged with IIOC and sented in june) I told her how it disgusts and makes me feel extremely sick but I strongly believe that I can protect them not just from my OH but from anyone. She told me thay my answer isn't protective enough and I should have answered how I feel about the children in the images and comparing my children to them images.
I questioned her on whether an online offender was more at risk of reoffending than a contact offender and she basically told me there's no such thing as contact offending or online offending it's all just one category that they all fit in and said that if I couldn't see that then that would be an issue.
She mentioned how on her first interview I couldn't give her the precise number of images found on my partners device and when i said to her I know all his charges, and I have all his paperwork from when he was arrested, charged and from court I have it all to hand I explained how I knew and have access to this at all times but rhe exact number just never sunk in and again she basically said that that isn't good enough and I should know every detail about it all it shouldnt leave my brain and of course the charges amd things never have but the exact number isn't a detail I want to remember.
She continued to say about how he is forever going to have an attraction to children, and he will never be able to rehabilitate and when I questioned her on this was told it looks as though I'm not trying to protect my children.
She is arranging an initial child protection conference? I'm unsure of what that means though does anyone happen to have any idea what will happen there? My end goal is for my partner to return home but it seems like she's hellbent on that not happening. I spoke to her about cameras, separate sleeping arrangements either him sleeping downstairs or me sleeping in witb the children and she brushed it all off saying its not good enough basically.
I was hoping to leave today feeling better but I don't, infact I feel a whole lot worse. Any advice or words of wisdom here?
I questioned her on whether an online offender was more at risk of reoffending than a contact offender and she basically told me there's no such thing as contact offending or online offending it's all just one category that they all fit in and said that if I couldn't see that then that would be an issue.
She mentioned how on her first interview I couldn't give her the precise number of images found on my partners device and when i said to her I know all his charges, and I have all his paperwork from when he was arrested, charged and from court I have it all to hand I explained how I knew and have access to this at all times but rhe exact number just never sunk in and again she basically said that that isn't good enough and I should know every detail about it all it shouldnt leave my brain and of course the charges amd things never have but the exact number isn't a detail I want to remember.
She continued to say about how he is forever going to have an attraction to children, and he will never be able to rehabilitate and when I questioned her on this was told it looks as though I'm not trying to protect my children.
She is arranging an initial child protection conference? I'm unsure of what that means though does anyone happen to have any idea what will happen there? My end goal is for my partner to return home but it seems like she's hellbent on that not happening. I spoke to her about cameras, separate sleeping arrangements either him sleeping downstairs or me sleeping in witb the children and she brushed it all off saying its not good enough basically.
I was hoping to leave today feeling better but I don't, infact I feel a whole lot worse. Any advice or words of wisdom here?
It sounds like you've got a sw who has her own prejudices and opinions. There are reoffending statistics from various studies available online. Like most studies they are based on quite small numbers but there is a study about Oasys and risk matrix which are the tools used by probation and offender management which was conducted on around 1000 people I believe.
Unfortunately as your sw has already made up her mind the more you come at her with things like that the less protective she is likely to see you. They tend to see it as trying to come up with things to fit your own narrative which is ironic really in these situations.
I would probably advise that you really look into safeguarding courses and sign yourself up or put them in your safety plans as work you're willing to undertake. Do as much research as you can on spotting the signs of abuse and how you can educate your children in an age appropriate way. Someone in a professional capacity said that the best way to look at the situation is to just remain watchful. I think we would drive ourselves crazy if we were to be as paranoid as some sw but remaining watchful allows us to regain some normality with our children's safety at the centre.
I hope others can offer some guidance around cp conference xxx
Unfortunately as your sw has already made up her mind the more you come at her with things like that the less protective she is likely to see you. They tend to see it as trying to come up with things to fit your own narrative which is ironic really in these situations.
I would probably advise that you really look into safeguarding courses and sign yourself up or put them in your safety plans as work you're willing to undertake. Do as much research as you can on spotting the signs of abuse and how you can educate your children in an age appropriate way. Someone in a professional capacity said that the best way to look at the situation is to just remain watchful. I think we would drive ourselves crazy if we were to be as paranoid as some sw but remaining watchful allows us to regain some normality with our children's safety at the centre.
I hope others can offer some guidance around cp conference xxx
Thankyou so much!
She said today, that if I could find statistics and write down where the source come from then she would be willing to look further into it. I just worry that as you said she would see this as only benefiting myself and my agenda.
Do you recommend any safe guarding courses? I've also seen alot on online modules I can complete but I can't seem to find these do you have any idea where I can find them?
She said today, that if I could find statistics and write down where the source come from then she would be willing to look further into it. I just worry that as you said she would see this as only benefiting myself and my agenda.
Do you recommend any safe guarding courses? I've also seen alot on online modules I can complete but I can't seem to find these do you have any idea where I can find them?
are you ladies allowed to record these meetings because honestly what some of these social workers are saying to you like your the one who's doen something wrong I would want every meeting recorded for thr protection of everyone
I have had my mum in with all meetings with her but unfortunately yesterday my mum wasn't about so I thought I'd be fine. I've had a few disagreements with her on thr phone too about various things so I am thinking my best option is to record ALL contact between us but I'm just not sure if it'd be allowed.
I don't see why it shouldn't be allowed, it would help you to u derstand better what they are asking of you also, you could listen back to what their requirements are to keep yourself right I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't have personal opinions when they are supposed to be acting professionally and not personally it sounds like your going through a lot and your partner has added more stress he should understand porn got him into this situation also and giving that up is no comparison to losing his family , I seen your other post, sorry your having to deal with all this be sure to take time for your on thoughts and feelings also xx
Yeah he has agreed to give up porn completely, and I have told him if he doesn't then I'm done I can't fight this fight if he's going to potentially put us back in this situation. So far he's not watched it in 8 weeks. He Said to me he doesn't see it as an addiction. More of a weakness. I just wish the social worker would listen to me. I understand she has her own opinions I'm sure 99% of us in this group, before the knock would agree with her opinions but I know husband for more than just his conviction there is so much more to him than that and she just says that that is what makes me weak because and in her words "I'm a woman and sometimes for women it's hard to see past the love we have for someone" ...
I believe you have to ask permission to record but it's unlikely to be granted. You would probably be better making extensive notes and emailing over to check both your understanding of what they've said and their understanding of what you've said xx
Safeguarding courses I don't have any recommendations on personally but a few that have been mentioned as good ones in the past are maximus (free if completed in the timescale), NSPCC around £25, there's also the parents protect section of the stop it now website xxx
Excellent thankyou so much
I had a similar experience with my first social worker. She was incredibly judgemental and opinionated. Told me that I need to give up thinking about being a family again because that won't happen and from what she believes from what she was told (which wasn't much by the way) about the charges he will go to prison. The same woman constantly got information wrong like the first court date was to move from police to court bail. She was adamant it would be a plea he had to enter. She told me my daughter's answer to how she felt about what was happening wasn't good enough (11 at the time) yet when her older brother had pretty much the same reply that was fine. She put in all sorts of reports but none of them stuck. I have been given a new SW and he is lovely and when I mentioned my old SW he rolled his eyes and said "there is a reason she's no longer working with them"
I hope you get someone more understanding. If you're unsure of what she's saying can you call the office and ask for some clarification?
I hope you get someone more understanding. If you're unsure of what she's saying can you call the office and ask for some clarification?
I completely feel your pain & frustrations. We have a social worker like this too. My husbands offence was 7 years ago & he served a prison sentence for this 4 years ago. Since that time we have worked with SS, have been assessed by Lucy Faithfull as low risk, have a sage care agreement in place which allows overnight contact. I recently contacted SS to request a change in the safe care agreement to allow my husband to return to live at the family home & they have re-opened the case & are taking us to conference. I don't know what else we need to do to prove ourselves & am losing hope he will ever be allowed home.
If anyone could point me in the direction of these online stats around reoffennding etc it would be very much appreciated.
I am sorry for jumping on your post - I'm sending you hugs & positive thoughts & hope your situation improves x x
If anyone could point me in the direction of these online stats around reoffennding etc it would be very much appreciated.
I am sorry for jumping on your post - I'm sending you hugs & positive thoughts & hope your situation improves x x
Hiya.
You are probably not going to like what I am saying but bare with me. I am on your side and I want you to change your thinking in order to be protective.
Your social worker is right. From her point of view. First of all I appericiate you look at things for your family but change this. You have to have full victim empathy and understand their suffering in order to ensure you would not let it to happen to your children. Protecting your children is not something you have a feel for. Those children in the images were abused, manipulated, their parents either abused them or left them alone in the presence of a trusted individual, now they live their lives knowing these images are out there. They can never escape their suffering.
Online/Offline offending differentiating is not helpful. I did the same and I was slapped down badly. Child abuse is child abuse, you can not say one form of child abuse is better than the other. Again change your attitude towards this.
Knowing numbers is about knowing exactly what he is capable of. After all you didn't know (I'm assuming!) he was viewing IIOC therefore you don't know what else this men is capable of doing behind your back, and you need to, if you want to be truly protective.
It is true that you can not change your attraction or sexual orientation however it is not social worker to determine if he does indeed have that attraction.
I hope the above is helpful to you and anyone reading. I've learnt it all the hard way and I would have personally appericiated if someone told me it although I understand it's not what anyone wants to hear.
This is not about saying the right thing. This is about learning the think the right way. Equipping yourself with knowledge and power. In order to be not just marked protective but be protective.
This forum archives are full of really useful information and you can browse many websites. You have to research, and read, and read and read. Educate yourself in child protection, social work protocol and family law. The fight you are taking on to move your partner back is not for faint hearted.
Have a cry and moan to all of us here! I do a lot of that myself. But make sure that's not the only thing you do.
Good luck at the conference they really are awful but like anything - you get used to.
You are probably not going to like what I am saying but bare with me. I am on your side and I want you to change your thinking in order to be protective.
Your social worker is right. From her point of view. First of all I appericiate you look at things for your family but change this. You have to have full victim empathy and understand their suffering in order to ensure you would not let it to happen to your children. Protecting your children is not something you have a feel for. Those children in the images were abused, manipulated, their parents either abused them or left them alone in the presence of a trusted individual, now they live their lives knowing these images are out there. They can never escape their suffering.
Online/Offline offending differentiating is not helpful. I did the same and I was slapped down badly. Child abuse is child abuse, you can not say one form of child abuse is better than the other. Again change your attitude towards this.
Knowing numbers is about knowing exactly what he is capable of. After all you didn't know (I'm assuming!) he was viewing IIOC therefore you don't know what else this men is capable of doing behind your back, and you need to, if you want to be truly protective.
It is true that you can not change your attraction or sexual orientation however it is not social worker to determine if he does indeed have that attraction.
I hope the above is helpful to you and anyone reading. I've learnt it all the hard way and I would have personally appericiated if someone told me it although I understand it's not what anyone wants to hear.
This is not about saying the right thing. This is about learning the think the right way. Equipping yourself with knowledge and power. In order to be not just marked protective but be protective.
This forum archives are full of really useful information and you can browse many websites. You have to research, and read, and read and read. Educate yourself in child protection, social work protocol and family law. The fight you are taking on to move your partner back is not for faint hearted.
Have a cry and moan to all of us here! I do a lot of that myself. But make sure that's not the only thing you do.
Good luck at the conference they really are awful but like anything - you get used to.
Courses I've done are L1&L2 Safeguarding Children, L2 child exploitation, L2online saftey. Completed the Parents Protect programme. Watched and discussed Pantasaurus with my 10 year old. Worked through 'someone should have told me' with youngest but going to do with eldest as a pre-cursor in to explaining what's happened with my OH. I'm making enquiries about the the inform course through LLF. I always say I'm an active member on this forum etc. Hope that's helpful xx