Feeling like ive lost everything...no hope and SS win
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Feeling Like ive lost everything but SS are winning
Hello
Sorry I am offloading here but I just feel like I have nowhere else to turn too where people will understand.
November 23-knock
Social closed case with safety plan in place-Jan 24
From bail to RUI no conditions-may 24
Charges-sep 24 -no conditions (OIC also said he could return home and be with his family with text proof but we didn't follow as it wasn't in our safety plan with social despite case closed)
Magistrates-oct 24-no conditions
Crown for plea-nov 24
SOR -nov 24 (soon as left court)
Social services reintroduction-dec 24
Pre sentence report -due jan 25
Sentence-Jan 25 (judge said to barrister she is not going to do a custodial but starting point is suspended sentence or high level community order but that is not taken into consideration the pre sentence report, character references etc and was told to enjoy no conditions over the christmas period and to enjoy time with his family)
Now this is where the issue begins, Our first social worker was amazing, approachable and yes he made mistakes in the assessment document but he was understanding. Our new one has entered our lives and its only been 3 days and she's had me in tears every time due to what I believe is her personal opinions and judgment. Next day PPU visited him, was lovely and left it at that. We had a holiday booked where we were due to go next Monday with the children and me and his parents and he had that approved by them and said as long as he went and done the travel forms 7 days before, He did it the next day.
Social soon got back involved after the referral back to them (I knew this would happen anyway so wasn't shocked) and she came out to see me the next day and this is where the problem lies.
I have never felt more unsupported, judged and pressured by someone who I dont know and they dont know me enough to judge me, She walked into my house and judged me from day one. Asking questions about why would I want to continue the relationship, that she knows our end goal is for him to be back home with us as a family but she dont see how I could supervise 3 children on my own overnight and that I was probably seeking an unrealistic goal. Asked if I knew why he did it and told her what was happening at the time he offended and that although theres never a good enough reason and he will now always be a risk, I do believe the risk is manageable.
I told her I had done the INFORM course, NSPCC pants, talked about online safety (there is a new dinosaur by NSPCC called Technosarus if anyone is interested) and everything else I have done. I also said how the time apart also gave me a opportunity to work on myself (my anxiety is really bad) so I am now having therapy for my anxiety that was not caused by this but obviously got worse and got medication. She couldn't of cared any less. She told me she wasn't bothered about what I had done or what he had done but with the offence itself. After she left, I broke down.
She told me she isn't approving the holiday with him but we can go without him. Explained it was all approved by PPU and that the travel forms, was then told she was going to contact the police for them to assess the risk. Told me I had to explain to the children what a social worker was that night as she was coming the next day to introduce herself to them and that eventually she wants me to tell the children what has happened (they think hes working away) now whilst I understand that I do want them to know, I feel that at this stage whilst we dont have the full outcome aka sentence id like to wait until we find out so I can tell them the full picture (child
She came back the next day to meet the children after school, saw their bedrooms, children communicated with her amazingly, saw them playing, even commented she was too warm (I had the heating on) mentioned again Disney and that she was going to request a full disclosure for me as she is unsure if I know the full story for be to make a “better judgment”. I mean ive seen the charge sheet and thats all I need to know but I understand her reasons nd before she left, she said you seem to have 3 very happy children and I told her that I do and im so lucky to be their mum and they are my absolute world and everything I do is for them, once again when she left, I broke down.
She went and saw my OH this morning and took the PPU with her, Holiday declined now by PPU due to sleeping arrangements, they weren’t happy that I was with the children in 1 room and he was with his parents in another for the sake of “they dont know if we would tell the truth” and that they were going to contact the travel company to tell them he cant travel with them (no travel restrictions).
She ripped him apart accusing him of being a major danger and she dont know if she would do it again.
So he stood up for himself and explained that he understands that he will always be seen as a risk due to what he has done but it isn't fair to assume he would do it again even if that is her personal opinion. He explained that there was a reason a risk assessment is being done and that it should be based and risk itself and not personal views.
She didn't respond and just said to his dad that she will arrange to come and speak to them both another time and that her and ppu have agreed that they are going to come and see me so I can get full disclosure (again I understand why but I already know and would be more open if it wasnt for attitude)
I am now expecting a visit from her again with PPU (ppu is from a different area due to him living with him parents elsewhere) and my anxiety cant take it anymore. If she was approachable etc then I know id not feel like this.
its afternoon as I write this and im due to go on the school run soon, I dont want her coming to my home talking about this where my children is and tomorrow is my little boys birthday and the school christmas fair and we going on a little trip to see the Christmas Lights so my afternoon is taken up and in the morning I am visiting my mum and dad as they are my support. Its wrong that Fridays at 5pm is a time I can breath ready for Monday, im dreading my phone ringing, im dreading every knock at the door. I just wish I could say that this is alot and I would rather have a couple days to process everything and ill speak to her next week, that would make me look like im not complying wouldn't it?
I know I have got to fight this and stand my ground but im tired of it already. Like it isn't hard enough for us as it is. They dont see us as secondary victims. My OH did the offence and he will pay for it but that done mean I should nor my mental health too. My reasons for staying is long and isn't one I have made quickly. Its taken this time of waiting to see hes working on himself and I am working on myself and expanding my knowledge
She just dont see that
People tell me to put in a complaint but I know it will just make things worse
I am on medication for my anxiety and have counselling for it every week although I haven't had one this week due to my therapists training.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it off my chest before I just breakdown. I regret signing the consent form for the risk assessment (child and family assessment ive been told) and I wish I said im happy with the way things are and are in place and id like to stick to that.
No-one should be made to feel in tears and unsupported. she also told me to ignore everything on forums as they are all mostly lies and nothing good comes from them. not great to hear when this forum is part of a way of support
Sorry xx
Hello
Sorry I am offloading here but I just feel like I have nowhere else to turn too where people will understand.
November 23-knock
Social closed case with safety plan in place-Jan 24
From bail to RUI no conditions-may 24
Charges-sep 24 -no conditions (OIC also said he could return home and be with his family with text proof but we didn't follow as it wasn't in our safety plan with social despite case closed)
Magistrates-oct 24-no conditions
Crown for plea-nov 24
SOR -nov 24 (soon as left court)
Social services reintroduction-dec 24
Pre sentence report -due jan 25
Sentence-Jan 25 (judge said to barrister she is not going to do a custodial but starting point is suspended sentence or high level community order but that is not taken into consideration the pre sentence report, character references etc and was told to enjoy no conditions over the christmas period and to enjoy time with his family)
Now this is where the issue begins, Our first social worker was amazing, approachable and yes he made mistakes in the assessment document but he was understanding. Our new one has entered our lives and its only been 3 days and she's had me in tears every time due to what I believe is her personal opinions and judgment. Next day PPU visited him, was lovely and left it at that. We had a holiday booked where we were due to go next Monday with the children and me and his parents and he had that approved by them and said as long as he went and done the travel forms 7 days before, He did it the next day.
Social soon got back involved after the referral back to them (I knew this would happen anyway so wasn't shocked) and she came out to see me the next day and this is where the problem lies.
I have never felt more unsupported, judged and pressured by someone who I dont know and they dont know me enough to judge me, She walked into my house and judged me from day one. Asking questions about why would I want to continue the relationship, that she knows our end goal is for him to be back home with us as a family but she dont see how I could supervise 3 children on my own overnight and that I was probably seeking an unrealistic goal. Asked if I knew why he did it and told her what was happening at the time he offended and that although theres never a good enough reason and he will now always be a risk, I do believe the risk is manageable.
I told her I had done the INFORM course, NSPCC pants, talked about online safety (there is a new dinosaur by NSPCC called Technosarus if anyone is interested) and everything else I have done. I also said how the time apart also gave me a opportunity to work on myself (my anxiety is really bad) so I am now having therapy for my anxiety that was not caused by this but obviously got worse and got medication. She couldn't of cared any less. She told me she wasn't bothered about what I had done or what he had done but with the offence itself. After she left, I broke down.
She told me she isn't approving the holiday with him but we can go without him. Explained it was all approved by PPU and that the travel forms, was then told she was going to contact the police for them to assess the risk. Told me I had to explain to the children what a social worker was that night as she was coming the next day to introduce herself to them and that eventually she wants me to tell the children what has happened (they think hes working away) now whilst I understand that I do want them to know, I feel that at this stage whilst we dont have the full outcome aka sentence id like to wait until we find out so I can tell them the full picture (child
She came back the next day to meet the children after school, saw their bedrooms, children communicated with her amazingly, saw them playing, even commented she was too warm (I had the heating on) mentioned again Disney and that she was going to request a full disclosure for me as she is unsure if I know the full story for be to make a “better judgment”. I mean ive seen the charge sheet and thats all I need to know but I understand her reasons nd before she left, she said you seem to have 3 very happy children and I told her that I do and im so lucky to be their mum and they are my absolute world and everything I do is for them, once again when she left, I broke down.
She went and saw my OH this morning and took the PPU with her, Holiday declined now by PPU due to sleeping arrangements, they weren’t happy that I was with the children in 1 room and he was with his parents in another for the sake of “they dont know if we would tell the truth” and that they were going to contact the travel company to tell them he cant travel with them (no travel restrictions).
She ripped him apart accusing him of being a major danger and she dont know if she would do it again.
So he stood up for himself and explained that he understands that he will always be seen as a risk due to what he has done but it isn't fair to assume he would do it again even if that is her personal opinion. He explained that there was a reason a risk assessment is being done and that it should be based and risk itself and not personal views.
She didn't respond and just said to his dad that she will arrange to come and speak to them both another time and that her and ppu have agreed that they are going to come and see me so I can get full disclosure (again I understand why but I already know and would be more open if it wasnt for attitude)
I am now expecting a visit from her again with PPU (ppu is from a different area due to him living with him parents elsewhere) and my anxiety cant take it anymore. If she was approachable etc then I know id not feel like this.
its afternoon as I write this and im due to go on the school run soon, I dont want her coming to my home talking about this where my children is and tomorrow is my little boys birthday and the school christmas fair and we going on a little trip to see the Christmas Lights so my afternoon is taken up and in the morning I am visiting my mum and dad as they are my support. Its wrong that Fridays at 5pm is a time I can breath ready for Monday, im dreading my phone ringing, im dreading every knock at the door. I just wish I could say that this is alot and I would rather have a couple days to process everything and ill speak to her next week, that would make me look like im not complying wouldn't it?
I know I have got to fight this and stand my ground but im tired of it already. Like it isn't hard enough for us as it is. They dont see us as secondary victims. My OH did the offence and he will pay for it but that done mean I should nor my mental health too. My reasons for staying is long and isn't one I have made quickly. Its taken this time of waiting to see hes working on himself and I am working on myself and expanding my knowledge
She just dont see that
People tell me to put in a complaint but I know it will just make things worse
I am on medication for my anxiety and have counselling for it every week although I haven't had one this week due to my therapists training.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it off my chest before I just breakdown. I regret signing the consent form for the risk assessment (child and family assessment ive been told) and I wish I said im happy with the way things are and are in place and id like to stick to that.
No-one should be made to feel in tears and unsupported. she also told me to ignore everything on forums as they are all mostly lies and nothing good comes from them. not great to hear when this forum is part of a way of support
Sorry xx
Hi lovely,
Sorry to hear social are being this way to you.
Some social workers can be awful we had one very awful one who basically assumed that my partner would go on to sexual abuse our child.
Online offence obviously! And low risk of contact offending.
We had one who had no clue.
We had a lovely one who wanted to return our child (taken at birth due to the risks) and felt we had been treated awfully by social and that the risks could be managed with a safety plan. Her managers didn't agree.
Then one who didn't think we could but changed her mind when we had a very postive psychological assessment that said I could protect our little girl and that a saftey plan would work.
He now is allowed unsupervised contact as long as no personal care so currently only a few hrs at a time.
Around going away unfortunately you will always have to book an extra room that's what we have been told. But I don't get why they don't trust you won't stick to that. It seems very harsh and especially when your children will not understand this at all.
It sounds like unfortunately you have a social worker who is judgmental and using personal views please complain and get her removed sooner rather than later.
I wish I had with my first ever social worker as my daughter might not have been taken had it been a different social worker.
I stayed with mine as he was willing and wanting to change and wanted to understand his offending etc. He's done exactly that.
And I learnt about why he did too etc.
I used inform course as well as something called Stopso which offers the offenders partners safeguarding therapy.
You have to pay for it but some of them offer subsided sessions if you can't afford a lot.
These sessions really helped and they are non judgemental and help to learn the reason behind the offending as well as safety plans etc. It's like inform but in more detail etc.
In regards to safeguarding in the home with 3 children a rule we put in place on the saftey plan was that he was never allowed in our little ones bedroom and I would be the only one to attend to her at night. Maybe you could put this in your saftey plan?
I wish I could offer more support.
But I really feel for you social workers can be horrible when it comes to our sorts of cases.
Xxx
Sorry to hear social are being this way to you.
Some social workers can be awful we had one very awful one who basically assumed that my partner would go on to sexual abuse our child.
Online offence obviously! And low risk of contact offending.
We had one who had no clue.
We had a lovely one who wanted to return our child (taken at birth due to the risks) and felt we had been treated awfully by social and that the risks could be managed with a safety plan. Her managers didn't agree.
Then one who didn't think we could but changed her mind when we had a very postive psychological assessment that said I could protect our little girl and that a saftey plan would work.
He now is allowed unsupervised contact as long as no personal care so currently only a few hrs at a time.
Around going away unfortunately you will always have to book an extra room that's what we have been told. But I don't get why they don't trust you won't stick to that. It seems very harsh and especially when your children will not understand this at all.
It sounds like unfortunately you have a social worker who is judgmental and using personal views please complain and get her removed sooner rather than later.
I wish I had with my first ever social worker as my daughter might not have been taken had it been a different social worker.
I stayed with mine as he was willing and wanting to change and wanted to understand his offending etc. He's done exactly that.
And I learnt about why he did too etc.
I used inform course as well as something called Stopso which offers the offenders partners safeguarding therapy.
You have to pay for it but some of them offer subsided sessions if you can't afford a lot.
These sessions really helped and they are non judgemental and help to learn the reason behind the offending as well as safety plans etc. It's like inform but in more detail etc.
In regards to safeguarding in the home with 3 children a rule we put in place on the saftey plan was that he was never allowed in our little ones bedroom and I would be the only one to attend to her at night. Maybe you could put this in your saftey plan?
I wish I could offer more support.
But I really feel for you social workers can be horrible when it comes to our sorts of cases.
Xxx