I'm struggling so much
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I'm almost at the two month mark. I found the videos, he confirmed he'd gone looking and I reported him.
I've only just started to be able to eat properly. But almost every day I'm breaking down. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I feel like I've lost a part of me, all the plans we made disappeared over night. I miss him so much but if I went back to him I'd loose my family and put my job at risk.
Every night I have vivid dreams about him and I wake up thinking he's going to be next to me and then reality sets in. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm in therapy and for a few hours after I feel okay until it all comes crashing down again. I honestly can't see a light at the end of this tunnel. My family were supportive of me but now it seems like they think I should have bounced back already. Only one of my sister's just lets me vent without jumping in and telling me how I should be feeling or what a horrible person he is for doing this. I can't tell them exactly how I'm feeling because it will scare them and they'll judge me for still loving him.
I don't ever know what I need to help me, I've spoken to Samaritans and shout when I need to but I'm struggling so much. I just want my best friend back but he blocked me on everything so I can't even reach out, and I don't blame him either.
I've only just started to be able to eat properly. But almost every day I'm breaking down. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I feel like I've lost a part of me, all the plans we made disappeared over night. I miss him so much but if I went back to him I'd loose my family and put my job at risk.
Every night I have vivid dreams about him and I wake up thinking he's going to be next to me and then reality sets in. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm in therapy and for a few hours after I feel okay until it all comes crashing down again. I honestly can't see a light at the end of this tunnel. My family were supportive of me but now it seems like they think I should have bounced back already. Only one of my sister's just lets me vent without jumping in and telling me how I should be feeling or what a horrible person he is for doing this. I can't tell them exactly how I'm feeling because it will scare them and they'll judge me for still loving him.
I don't ever know what I need to help me, I've spoken to Samaritans and shout when I need to but I'm struggling so much. I just want my best friend back but he blocked me on everything so I can't even reach out, and I don't blame him either.
You absolutely did the right thing in reporting. Him blocking you shows a lack of responsibility on his part.
Grief has many stages and there isn't a timescale that we all work to. Perhaps explain to your family that it is like he's died and that takes time and you'd appreciate their support and understanding xxx
Grief has many stages and there isn't a timescale that we all work to. Perhaps explain to your family that it is like he's died and that takes time and you'd appreciate their support and understanding xxx
I'm so sorry. Persevere with the therapy it does help in the long-run. I can't understand your best friend's behaviour, why on earth would they block you, you've done nothing wrong!
I've tried explaining it and they listen but don't seem to understand it. I told my Mum exactly how I was feeling two weeks ago and then two days later she was upset that I couldn't face going to my sister's party with people I didn't know (bare in mind it was a party for her dog's birthday so not really a big event) I have three sisters. One I don't really talk to much because she's very self centered, the second on actually listens and supports but she has so much going on I don't want to keep reaching out to her and the last one keeps just saying mean things that just make me feel worse.
I lived for 25 years okay before him so I know I can do it but I just really don't see any lights at the end of this tunnel. I know it will get better, just now it seems to be harder every day.
I lived for 25 years okay before him so I know I can do it but I just really don't see any lights at the end of this tunnel. I know it will get better, just now it seems to be harder every day.
Sakura
Grief is grief, we all handle it differently. All of us on here have horrible situations that are the stuff of nightmares and a high proportion of us had no idea, did not see it coming. I can't imagine the additional trauma of discovering it for yourself. You can't help the way you feel. We're all mourning the life we had and the future we will no longer have. It's going to take time. But please know that no matter how bad things feel, the world is a much better place with you in it. All your loved ones would much rather listen to your sorrow than never hear your voice. Have you sought help from your GP and rang the helpline? Just know you have a whole community here who feel your pain and are here if you need to vent.
Grief is grief, we all handle it differently. All of us on here have horrible situations that are the stuff of nightmares and a high proportion of us had no idea, did not see it coming. I can't imagine the additional trauma of discovering it for yourself. You can't help the way you feel. We're all mourning the life we had and the future we will no longer have. It's going to take time. But please know that no matter how bad things feel, the world is a much better place with you in it. All your loved ones would much rather listen to your sorrow than never hear your voice. Have you sought help from your GP and rang the helpline? Just know you have a whole community here who feel your pain and are here if you need to vent.
It takes such a long time to get anywhere feeling like being in an even keel again. It's a rollercoaster of ups and downs so don't be too hard on yourself.
It really does feel like the gift that keeps on giving.
I too left. I feel desperately lonely at times - but not enough to take him back. If I did I would lose my sins I am sure.
Tomorrow I'm going on a sort of date. Equally scary but also exciting. Finally feel like the old me is starting to return. He knows what has happened to me through the local jungle drums so I don't have to explain anything
It really does feel like the gift that keeps on giving.
I too left. I feel desperately lonely at times - but not enough to take him back. If I did I would lose my sins I am sure.
Tomorrow I'm going on a sort of date. Equally scary but also exciting. Finally feel like the old me is starting to return. He knows what has happened to me through the local jungle drums so I don't have to explain anything
I don't really have any advice but I just want you to know you're not alone in how you feel. I've chose to stay, for now, because my partner is adamant he did not go looking for IIOC. But it has still caused me so much pain, confusion and shame. He is my best friend and love of my life but I don't know what the future holds and its terrifying.
I'm sure he has blocked you because he is ashamed of himself and can't face how much he has screwed up his whole life. I promise you will be ok in the end. Just breathe, do one thing at a time and let yourself feel whatever you feel. If you need anything, please just message me x
I'm sure he has blocked you because he is ashamed of himself and can't face how much he has screwed up his whole life. I promise you will be ok in the end. Just breathe, do one thing at a time and let yourself feel whatever you feel. If you need anything, please just message me x