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Hi All,
I am not a regular user of the forum but over the last 2 years I have been through hell which I know you will understand.
From as soon as a vigilante group turned up at my front door just over 2 years ago, my world turned upside down. My partner was having a inappropriate conversation with what he thought was a 13 yr old. I had been with him for 20 years at the time and this was so out of character. Before lock down, he was a tee-total gym-aholic. When lock down happened he had 2 breakdowns and then became a alcoholic. He started talking to random women on social media. Though I was angry and hurt, I knew he was seeking attention from anyone that he felt he wasn't getting from me-we had hit a very bad patch in our marriage.
I will never condone what he did but what this group did to me was worse. They streamed the sting live on Facebook for 3 hrs. Then when my partner was arrested they said "2 down today-not bad" like it was a game.
My partner was in custody for 3 hrs and then released on bail. At the point, someone from that group messaged me to see if I was "ok".
The first few weeks was awful. Me and my partner moved away from our home as I didn't feel safe and no matter how angry and hurt I was, I still loved him and wanted to protect him.
It was all over Facebook and I received private messages from people asking me out to telling me to watch my back as they were going to rape me and set me on fire.
A lot of our friends stood by us both and have been incredible. For two years we had little help from the police, to the point we were having to contact them to see what was happening with the case.
My partner claimed legal aid and the solicitor we had wasn't very good and expected us to know how the legal system worked. Neither of us have ever been in trouble with the law before. After three cancelled court dates my partner was finally sentenced this week.
From a 20 day conversation which was sexually inappropriate but never arranged to meet (the group got our home address after setting up and adult decoy) the Judge sentenced him to a year in prison stating he wanted to make an example of him and he couldn't use alcohol and mental health as an excuse for his behaviour.
We had medical notes, character references and services my partner had accessed since the sting and the fact his never been in trouble with the law before. It has come as a huge shock to us all and as yet, I have been unable to speak to him.
I guess what I am asking is how do I now move forward? I not used to functioning without him. We have been together 22 years now and in a way I feel we have broke up and he has died. I have no fight left in me. The barrister said he will probably do 3 mths in prison but right now, that feels forever.
I know I need to carry on and I'm lucky to have support around me. We don't have no children so I don't have anyone depending on me. I have booked some counselling sessions and I am planning to go back to work next week.
I guess I am asking what next? How do I move forward? I am questioning everything-is that normal? All I have done is cry for the last 24 hrs.
I worry people think I'm a idiot for staying with him and supporting him and we will never have a normal life as when he leaves prison he will be placed on the sex offender registry for 10 yrs.
This group have posted on social media the outcome of the case literally as soon as it happened. Nobody from that team was there so I don't even know how they found out! We never went to trial. I just want them to leave us all alone.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did they get through to the other side?
love always x
I am not a regular user of the forum but over the last 2 years I have been through hell which I know you will understand.
From as soon as a vigilante group turned up at my front door just over 2 years ago, my world turned upside down. My partner was having a inappropriate conversation with what he thought was a 13 yr old. I had been with him for 20 years at the time and this was so out of character. Before lock down, he was a tee-total gym-aholic. When lock down happened he had 2 breakdowns and then became a alcoholic. He started talking to random women on social media. Though I was angry and hurt, I knew he was seeking attention from anyone that he felt he wasn't getting from me-we had hit a very bad patch in our marriage.
I will never condone what he did but what this group did to me was worse. They streamed the sting live on Facebook for 3 hrs. Then when my partner was arrested they said "2 down today-not bad" like it was a game.
My partner was in custody for 3 hrs and then released on bail. At the point, someone from that group messaged me to see if I was "ok".
The first few weeks was awful. Me and my partner moved away from our home as I didn't feel safe and no matter how angry and hurt I was, I still loved him and wanted to protect him.
It was all over Facebook and I received private messages from people asking me out to telling me to watch my back as they were going to rape me and set me on fire.
A lot of our friends stood by us both and have been incredible. For two years we had little help from the police, to the point we were having to contact them to see what was happening with the case.
My partner claimed legal aid and the solicitor we had wasn't very good and expected us to know how the legal system worked. Neither of us have ever been in trouble with the law before. After three cancelled court dates my partner was finally sentenced this week.
From a 20 day conversation which was sexually inappropriate but never arranged to meet (the group got our home address after setting up and adult decoy) the Judge sentenced him to a year in prison stating he wanted to make an example of him and he couldn't use alcohol and mental health as an excuse for his behaviour.
We had medical notes, character references and services my partner had accessed since the sting and the fact his never been in trouble with the law before. It has come as a huge shock to us all and as yet, I have been unable to speak to him.
I guess what I am asking is how do I now move forward? I not used to functioning without him. We have been together 22 years now and in a way I feel we have broke up and he has died. I have no fight left in me. The barrister said he will probably do 3 mths in prison but right now, that feels forever.
I know I need to carry on and I'm lucky to have support around me. We don't have no children so I don't have anyone depending on me. I have booked some counselling sessions and I am planning to go back to work next week.
I guess I am asking what next? How do I move forward? I am questioning everything-is that normal? All I have done is cry for the last 24 hrs.
I worry people think I'm a idiot for staying with him and supporting him and we will never have a normal life as when he leaves prison he will be placed on the sex offender registry for 10 yrs.
This group have posted on social media the outcome of the case literally as soon as it happened. Nobody from that team was there so I don't even know how they found out! We never went to trial. I just want them to leave us all alone.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did they get through to the other side?
love always x
Hi
I'm so sorry yo hear what you've been through. What a nightmare! These vigilantes are awful ..how they can take the moral high ground is beyond me. This is all so much and I can imagine you feel overwhelmed. I think break it down..one step at a time. I've met some lovely people whose relative has gone to prison and while it's been tough, it's not been as terrible as they thought.
Please speak to your GP and they can probably help or provide signposting. There is of course the Stop it now/Lucy Faithful helpline - I have found them very useful when I'm having a bad day.
Please take care. You're not alone.
Hx
I'm so sorry yo hear what you've been through. What a nightmare! These vigilantes are awful ..how they can take the moral high ground is beyond me. This is all so much and I can imagine you feel overwhelmed. I think break it down..one step at a time. I've met some lovely people whose relative has gone to prison and while it's been tough, it's not been as terrible as they thought.
Please speak to your GP and they can probably help or provide signposting. There is of course the Stop it now/Lucy Faithful helpline - I have found them very useful when I'm having a bad day.
Please take care. You're not alone.
Hx
Thank you for your kind message xx
Hi CC2114
I'm just starting this process but have 2 kids. I feel for you.
My partner or ex not sure just now had vigilants at the door 23rd October and I'm lost. He's basically homeless at the moment ,bail address is his mum but he's living in a camper.
He's was talking for 3 weeks with four different vigilante decoys and sent an indecent image of himself to two of them. He's now having mental breakdown , anxiety depression his mind is going in circles land the mental health nurse say that can help him incase they get called as a witness. They did pot him on to the DBI but that's was only for 14 days and now there is no help. He's also no job no no income.
I'm just starting this process but have 2 kids. I feel for you.
My partner or ex not sure just now had vigilants at the door 23rd October and I'm lost. He's basically homeless at the moment ,bail address is his mum but he's living in a camper.
He's was talking for 3 weeks with four different vigilante decoys and sent an indecent image of himself to two of them. He's now having mental breakdown , anxiety depression his mind is going in circles land the mental health nurse say that can help him incase they get called as a witness. They did pot him on to the DBI but that's was only for 14 days and now there is no help. He's also no job no no income.
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I am so sorry, what you have gone through sounds horrific. I dont really have any advice but I want you to know I am thinking of you. These so called vigilantes are disgusting. My biggest fear is my partner getting a custodial sentence so I can't even imagine how you feel now you are faced with that reality. I truly don't understand why the courts think that custodial sentences for first time offenders are helpful or appropriate. Please be kind to yourself at the moment, just breathe and take it one day at a time.. easier said than done I know x
Hi, my person was my husband of 30 years, 4 children. He was sentenced to 3 years in prison, first offence, IIOC. I don't know how to move forward, I wish I did. He's reoffended and I'm fully expecting him to go back to prison in January. Regarding the vigilantes, I think they should be made illegal. It is exactly what you say, a game, to them. They love it! They love the attention they get. They are dangerous. X
I wish I knew what to say x this is the 3rd day without any contact with my OH since his sentencing. I have never gone this long without speaking to him.
All I have done is cry. The mental and emotional pain is unbearable and I think the time of year isn't helping.
I am going back to work tomorrow which is going to be hard. All I want is to hear his voice and know he is ok.
I suppose everyone says this but he isn't a bad person and was on an extremely dark place at the time. I think if this group hadn't turned up at my door, my OH would be dead now due to being an alcoholic.
I would never condone what my OH did but he has never been in trouble with the law. I felt like the judge had already made his mind up before the case got started especially as the prosecution wasn't even that hard on him.
Right now I just feel loss. Everyone expects me to have answers and I don't.
i just want to stop hurting x
I am sorry you are going through this as well. If it wasn't for this forum the last few days I don't know what I would have done.
Just know you are not alone xx
All I have done is cry. The mental and emotional pain is unbearable and I think the time of year isn't helping.
I am going back to work tomorrow which is going to be hard. All I want is to hear his voice and know he is ok.
I suppose everyone says this but he isn't a bad person and was on an extremely dark place at the time. I think if this group hadn't turned up at my door, my OH would be dead now due to being an alcoholic.
I would never condone what my OH did but he has never been in trouble with the law. I felt like the judge had already made his mind up before the case got started especially as the prosecution wasn't even that hard on him.
Right now I just feel loss. Everyone expects me to have answers and I don't.
i just want to stop hurting x
I am sorry you are going through this as well. If it wasn't for this forum the last few days I don't know what I would have done.
Just know you are not alone xx
Im sorry this has happened I have no advice: persons case is very similar. Sentencing is in the new year.
Im sure you will get to speak to them soon, sending love
Im sure you will get to speak to them soon, sending love
Do you mind me asking what area please
I just want to thank you all for your messages.
Even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's nice to know I am not alone and that my thoughts and feelings are valid.
Standing by my OH has not been easy and this is another chapter I have to face. My "I love you/I hate you" feelings come in waves since the sentencing which I had slowly got past from the first time we had the knock on the door over 2 yrs ago.
Not talking to him since the sentencing has been the hardest thing for me. All I can say is I feel heartbroken.
I am back to work tomorrow since the sentencing which I am very nervous about.
For everyone who is going through something like this right now, just know you are not alone xx
Even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's nice to know I am not alone and that my thoughts and feelings are valid.
Standing by my OH has not been easy and this is another chapter I have to face. My "I love you/I hate you" feelings come in waves since the sentencing which I had slowly got past from the first time we had the knock on the door over 2 yrs ago.
Not talking to him since the sentencing has been the hardest thing for me. All I can say is I feel heartbroken.
I am back to work tomorrow since the sentencing which I am very nervous about.
For everyone who is going through something like this right now, just know you are not alone xx