Family and Friends Forum

Hi

There are times I look at him and think why did I stay with him. I've had family ask me why I've stayed. Then I remember innocent until proven guilty. I refused to make any of decisions until I know an outcome. If he's lied (he told all of us the exact same story and it's never changed. He isn't a good liar) and it's worse than he's said or there is more to it then I'm gone. Until then I have to hope for the best.

I can echo that - I told my OH that I'll support him but if I find he has lied to me then it's over. We have the added betrayal of engaging with women online for his own gratification. He says he has stopped that and I'm hopeful that he wouldn't be so stupid as to carry on with it given the amount of trouble he is already in - but who knows what goes through their thick heads!!
Even I sometimes wonder why I'm still here - I've always been a pretty steady calm person but I'm now suffering with massive anxiety and sleeplessness - at night I have awful intrusive thoughts that keep me awake and leave me in tears

but I'm still here - still supporting - still caring - still loving the idiot - living in hope that I've made the right decision - only time will tell x

I too have wondered if they are totally innocent and get sent images out the blue, surely women would be in this situation too. But maybe it's because they are already on apps and talking to people etc, so putting themselves at risk that way. I don't know...

Crushed - I think a lot of it is downloaded (maybe inadvertently) through downloading porn or sent with a batch of 'legal' (if dodgy) pictures - but yes - I think they would have to be using these dodgy apps - otherwise we would all have them!

Hi there, really interesting post and question. It's certainly not black and white, but then nothing is in life despite our inbuilt human desire to make sense of everything. I guess from my perspective I've sadly had first hand experience of the impact of problematic porn use with both my ex husband (leading to the end of my marriage after 18 years) and a good friend of mine who also lost his marriage through it - only two I know of but I'll guarantee there are many more men who I know and love in my life who are being affected or eroded by its use, accessing/overusing and likely impacting on their relationships and self esteem.

Society (and I guess females more so because we're wired in a different way) often have a poor view of porn - but this then drives the secrecy. For men i think because they don't talk, don't deal with mental health, trauma and stress in positive ways (and the pressure of being seen as the strong alpha) they use porn as almost as a crutch, escapism from real life, escaping from themselves. Pornography taps in to the male brain more than it does a female one and that's why I believe this will always be a predominantly male issue.


Viewing and access to IIOC's is recognised as an endemic problem and if we don't show compassion and try to understand the root causes then this issue will only continue to escalate. I've used my experiences to better inform myself and those around me and have age appropriate conversations with my 2 young sons, whilst making sure they are as safe online and around other people.


I love my OH we have a strong loving relationship, he's shown genuine remorse, totally respected my boundaries, and been transparent throughout the whole journey - and so I've been there for him during his darkest hours. If I hadn't shown the compassion he so desperately needed I guarantee he wouldn't be with us now. People are not perfect and we can and do mistakes - what we must expect is the willingness to admit those mistakes and work hard on ourselves to ensure these mistakes aren't made again. A second mistake or an unwillingness to rehabilitate would be a sign of intent or denial for me - and I would then have a very different outlook to the one I have now.


All experiences are different, all reactions are different, all outcomes and resolutions are different - but they're all valid.


I do agree that if this was a female issue then men would probably not be as understanding or compassionate - because females are inherently and biologically programmed to be the care giver. They say 'behind every great man, is a great woman,' and I think that hits the nail on the head. Plus let's be honest a man wouldn't know what to say!!!!! ;-)


The men this happens to generally have low self esteem, other trauma based issues, neglect or problematic relationships with their primary caregivers an especially from their mother in childhood. Mental health issues, undiagnosed underlying issues, neurodevelopmental issues - all the kind of things that can't process as well as women. I could go on. They have been using porn from a very early age and overtime the usage becomes a problem because the same type of porn doesn't give them the same feelings, so they move to the next level to search out that dopamine hit. This is why boys in particular develop problems with online activities e.g gaming, gambling and of course porn.

I've got a very strong core belief that we are all human and we all err. It's what we do about it, when we realise there's a problem.

My ex husband has really worked hard on himself since we separated 3 years ago and I was elated to find the other day that he'd not looked at porn for over a year. He had done the work on himself and overtime understood himself better, worked through unresolved trauma and finds himself in a much happier place in his life where he doesn't need porn to make himself feel loved and in control of his life - because now he loves himself. I know my ex never purposefully set out to betray me (even though it very much felt like that at the time) and we still deeply care for each other - but he had issues that only he could resolve and I now understand it was never about me (something I thought for many years) but about him. Losing everything made him realise something had to change.

Very very complicated issue, but my personal feeling is that without hope, understanding and compassion in this life, we don't have much of a world to live in.

Wow that really was epic! Apologies! Great question though that I'm sure others will have different viewpoints on? xxx

I have wondered the question with regards to females but at the moment the news is all about protecting young girls and women. I have never seen a female in this situation on this forum or a young girl but have seen lots of men and indeed young boys getting into these situations. Men are abused too, more than we realise.

There are aspects of innocence from both sides in lots of these situations and only males are arrested/charged. I have seen only a few females that have recently been in the news for this type of crime.

Also, i don't mean to cause offence or to upset anyone with my own personal feelings so please don't take anything I have said in the wrong context.

X

The ultimate question is why are such images even on the internet to begin with for anyone to access either with or without intent! Crazy world we live in xx

Exactly, Eye of The Storm, very scary what is on the internet and also very accessible whatever your age. Age limits on sites can be totally ignored and accessed if wanted, and indeed they are and hence the rise in these crimes x

Hi, supporting but divorcing my husband after the knock may have backfired somewhat. He reoffended. I wonder if he thinks I'll always be around for him. I won't. This has very nearly finished me. I can't go through it a third time. His Father and brother have also stood by him. He's had it easy from is all in many ways. X

with my family member I didn't speak to him for several weeks when the knock happened , I was so distraught to think he was capable of viewing such vile content and why , why did he want to he knew what comes with it why ?? what kind of person have I loved in his young years who did i help to raise in this world it tore us apart . I need to know what he was saying was true that he was not searching it etc which was the case , he was telling the truth it was a file that had been sent to him in a chat confirmed by his lawyer and at court but still deemed punishable as the content at one point was on his phone , then deleted but retrieved by police , it still hurts but I think we are very different from when completely its a tough subject because we are more in touch with our emotions it's so difficult to just give up I still think abkut things I have terrible dreams I fear for his future he's been sentenced but that community we live in is quite a rough one with not a lot of rook for understanding especially crimes of such nature its always going to be a scary thought unfortunately

I think aswell it's not all women, I don't have any empathy for my ex for what he did, occasionally I think god his life is bad now but it is of his own making and unfortunately mine is worse thanks to his crimes. He lives with parents, can work full time, no responsibilities and I have 4 children as a single parent including a little boy who is disabled and unlikely to ever move past living at home, my children are struggling with the grief of the loss of a parent in very unfair circumstances for them, I struggle to work because of child care and will only be able to work term time now, I have to run the house and the finances by myself and try to plan for what is a scary and uncertain future.

I can't understand the 'porn addiction' theory in my eyes that's a crutch because it's easier to look at an addict in the mirror than a P, they cant all be porn addicts.... You could choose not to look at that content, you could choose to seek help, how do you stop when your an addict, the day they get caught suddenly their ok with not looking anymore? If you think about heroin addicts would an arrest stop them?

Shame isn't a good enough excuse if you were so ashamed you would be horrified at what you were looking at the first time and desperately seeking help, they like looking at it that's why they go back time and time again and suddenly after they get caught it's poor me I'm an addict I really want to stop I'm so ashamed.

So not all of us can have empathy I'm afraid the people I feel worst for in all of this is me and my children, and I'm not enabling/babying a grown man whose done a horrific crime, 'helping him through it' it's no good saying your sorry after your caught because who knows if it's true?

I think us females look deeper into emotions and are more 'tuned in' than men to facing up to the possible root of a problem.

I see my son as making terrible life-changing decisions during dark times in his life. I know he's not bad through and through - I just believe everyone deserves a chance to prove they can rehabilitate and rebuild. Saying this, I'm no soft touch and it's not a case of me brushing his crime under the carpet of forgiveness. Definitely not......

Whereas my husband struggles with anger towards him, disgust at what he did, having our family name blasted and all the hurt he has caused. Over time husband has mellowed but it's an area we will never agree on I'm afraid.

I've kicked my OH out because he reoffended after almost 10 years (I wasn't with him when she offended the first time ) I am supporting him but whether I will stay with him after it is all gone to trial et cetera I don't know as I can't say how I will feel once everything has come out into the open I've already lost a lot because of this man and my family and friends ask me why I'm standing by him again and to be honest I'm not completely sure myself sorry for the moment. I'm just waiting to see how everything works out

It's easy to judge when it's not happening to you. Now I'm walking in someone else's awful shoes, and know more about it that I ever wanted to I can see why people forgive. For me it's the impact on the family....my person was a good parent in every other aspect (except obviously what they've been upto online is a big Red Cross on the how to be a good parent list). If I kick them out of my child's life completely then I'm the one making that decision, I'm the one breaking up what was a happy family, I'm the one ruining my child's happiness. It's infinitely harder keeping dad in their life (restricted and separated) but you can't ever escape from the father of your child when they've got so many years of happy memories; their whole life and a good bond and relationship with them. I beat myself up every day about whether the life I thought I had was one big lie and he's not the person I thought he was.....or is he just human and made a (terrible) mistake at a really low point in his life?
How do you tell your child the parent they hero worship has made a mistake this stupid and selfish without completely breaking your child's heart? I'm going for minimum emotional damage whilst keeping my child safe from dad because of what he has done (intentionally or otherwise as unfortunately there isn't a difference in the law or the eyes of social services). I can't un-know what I've been told despite wishing it had never happened to us. I need my child to have as normal a life as possible and unfortunately their normal and their happiness includes dad. Whilst it's still safe to do so, I have to try to do that. I'm miserable, he's miserable because of what he's done; but if I can keep one person happy and healthy and loved through this it's my child. They always have and always will come first.

My OH added someone on social media who he never knew. They started talking and "they" (as it was a vigilante group) told him they were 13 yrs of age.
He should of then blocked this person but he didn't and spoke inappropriately to them. When he stopped talking to them, they bombarded him with messages and it started all over again. He never asked to meet or had any inappropriate images on his phone.
He had a 20 day inappropriate conversation before this group turned up at my front door and streamed it live over Facebook for 3.5 hrs.

I will never condone what my OH did but I know he acted out of character as he was struggling with his mental health and alcoholism. For me the hardest bit was it wasn't a private matter and I was humiliated for everyone to see which was 21k and constantly being shared on every social media platform.
Everyone had their opinion-mainly keyboard warriors but our friends and family stayed by us. I think this helped.

I do question am I stupid for staying or strong. Nothing come out of court that I didn't know but I said if he went to prison I would leave.

He was sentenced last week and I'm still here! Am I a fool? I don't know. I know that I need time to process everything and see how I feel when I finally get to see him.

As much as he has hurt me and destroyed my trust, I still love him but it comes in waves.

All I can say is you have to do what is right for you-after two years I am still trying to figure this out x

I left my husband but supported him from afar....until he reoffended and I cut all ties. I still feel guilty. My therapist recommended a book.....Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. I recommend it. It helped me see my worth and boundaries.

I think its slightly unfair to say that men wouldn't be supportive if it was the other way around. Whilst I appreciate that majority of those dealing with their partners sexual offending are women there are men going through the same thing. I'm one of them.

I desperately want to support and understand the man I love but like you I do wonder what would be happening if the roles were reversed, however I feel it's more down to personality than simply gender.

EmLou91 - no need to apologise I didn't take it as trying to cause offence, and rereading my reply it did come across a bit standoffish, how dare you tar all men with the same brush type of thing, sorry.

With these types of offences being committed mainly by men of course the bulk of partners are going to be women, I realise as a gay man im most definitely in the minority on here, in fact despite searching extensively I've found nothing specifically targeted at the LGBT community faced with this situation.

I'm greatful to be able to be part of the forum and your posts have been a great source of help over the last few days.

Crushed. Here's a wild one, and I've only got the limited details from police, my oh and the accidental confirmation of bail conditions from ss.

Oh was arrested not on reports from any Web service or app but because someone else was being investigated. A woman, and they were apparently sending each other porn. so it certainly does happen to women too. I'm not saying who was the guilty party that's for the forensics to get to the bottom of but his arrest was on suspision of possession not distribution. She was named as a person not to have any contact with in the bail conditions.

As much as I'm not leaving him to deal with this alone, God knows he needs support and less judgement right now. The rage I feel being put through all this for the sake of some sordid chat.

it certainly happens to women too from both sides but I'd like to think it's way less common with women.