Having a tough mind fuck day
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So we are 14months post knock. My husband has been interviewed twice but still not charged. He had 86 pictures of iioc. My stomach turns every time I think of it and the waiting game is killing me emotionally. It feels like it will never end. Just want him either charged or nfa to be declared (this is unlikely). The solicitor said he is liking to be charged but after Christmas because there is a back log of CPS cases. As he is considered "low risk" he is not a priority. The thing is the waiting is really hard. I wish I could wave a magic wand and it would be sorted. I feel helpless to helping my husband because I don't know what to say to him to keep him from the downward spiral. He has tried a couple of times taking his own life and that scares me as I work full time so if he tried it again then it could successful that time.he has admitted from the start and pleaded guilty to looking at the images, which is one of the reasons I have stuck by him. He is remorseful and is seeking help from saa and stop it now website. I've rung the helpline myself. I just came on here tonight more for a vent because I'm having a bad day. I know it all sounds selfish but I'm just struggling with thoughts about the whole process today.
Hi
love the fact you have called it a mind fuck day. No words of wisdom for you, but just wanted you to know you are not alone. And also not everyone is a crazy judgemental person. There are actually some people out there who get it.
you are not selfish for thinking your thoughts. Far from it - you have to deal with his stuff and your stuff.
thinking of you x
love the fact you have called it a mind fuck day. No words of wisdom for you, but just wanted you to know you are not alone. And also not everyone is a crazy judgemental person. There are actually some people out there who get it.
you are not selfish for thinking your thoughts. Far from it - you have to deal with his stuff and your stuff.
thinking of you x
Thank you big sigh.
Most days I can get through all the thoughts ok, but today I keep thinking the worst and how I'd cope if he got prison sentence. Just keep thinking of the what it's. Is there any other things I can do to help that I haven't thought of yet.
Most days I can get through all the thoughts ok, but today I keep thinking the worst and how I'd cope if he got prison sentence. Just keep thinking of the what it's. Is there any other things I can do to help that I haven't thought of yet.
Thank you poster. I know I'm heard here and thank you for all the support. I have a friend that knows but doesn't really understand the situation. Knowing all you guys on the forum have or are going through similar things really helps me to open up to you guys.
Chiming in to add my support. I am only 10days post knock so to imagine how it has been for you (both) over the last 14 MONTHS is impossible. Your situation sounds so similar too- in that my partner has admitted his guilt and is in a dark place and has tried to kill himself (4 times now - thank god I hid the paracetamol).
mind fuck is right. I hope you can salvage some joy over the festive period and that your situation will be sorted and clarified sooner rather than later. Sending a big hug. T
mind fuck is right. I hope you can salvage some joy over the festive period and that your situation will be sorted and clarified sooner rather than later. Sending a big hug. T
Thank you T
I'm not feeling the festivities for the second year running. Last year I forced the excitment for the festivities but I'm not feeling it this year at all. All my friends are putting their decorations up and talking about how organised they are and what they are going to be doing and I'm like I've not put the decorations up, not sorted anything out. My birthday is next week and I'm not even feeling the enjoyment for that either. I'll survive like I have for the last 14months but the waiting game is getting horrendous now.
I'm not feeling the festivities for the second year running. Last year I forced the excitment for the festivities but I'm not feeling it this year at all. All my friends are putting their decorations up and talking about how organised they are and what they are going to be doing and I'm like I've not put the decorations up, not sorted anything out. My birthday is next week and I'm not even feeling the enjoyment for that either. I'll survive like I have for the last 14months but the waiting game is getting horrendous now.
Sorry T
Was also meant to say I'm sorry you've had to join the unique club. It's been so long because he's classed as low risk. We don't have children so we are at the bottom of the line. I understand the ones with children are more of a priority. I just wish the police would get more people to help get the situation.
Was also meant to say I'm sorry you've had to join the unique club. It's been so long because he's classed as low risk. We don't have children so we are at the bottom of the line. I understand the ones with children are more of a priority. I just wish the police would get more people to help get the situation.
How can the authorities let this go on,creating so much misery for so many people not involved directly in it ?
My heart goes out to you.If anyone involved has children,then the children will be traumatised ( search childhood trauma) which will I can assure everyone from sheer bitter personal experience affect their adult life without counselling;and the latter is hard to come by.
Please see my other posts and email Simon Bailey ( Chief constable,Norfolk)
My heart goes out to you.If anyone involved has children,then the children will be traumatised ( search childhood trauma) which will I can assure everyone from sheer bitter personal experience affect their adult life without counselling;and the latter is hard to come by.
Please see my other posts and email Simon Bailey ( Chief constable,Norfolk)
It's gone on so long because I don't have children. I'm sure it's much worse for people with children. My heart goes out for them.
D1286, I'm so sorry to hear your husband is struggling. Your story makes me worry as we have no children, he was caught by vigilantes and has left home and the area. We are only 4months into this nightmare, and it is worrying to hear that because we have no children he will be at the bottom of the queue.
I understand that higher risk cases need to be addressed sooner. But if our partners are seen as low risk, so low that they can be in society with no restrictions. And in my case, he is completely on his own with no one keeping an eye on him at all. How can they then be considered dangerous enough to be charged and punished? Surely there should be some rehabilitation introduced straight after arrest? That would save a lot of resources! If these men are evil and would harm children, they should not be free at all.
My husband is having intensive therapy and is also doing lots of reading and online courses. But all of this is self funded. We can only afford to do this as we are using our savings for our old age.
Nothing makes sense to me. These men need help and support, and so do we. Living in this limbo is so unhealthy, and the impact affects not just them and us, but wider family, friends and neighbours.
I understand that higher risk cases need to be addressed sooner. But if our partners are seen as low risk, so low that they can be in society with no restrictions. And in my case, he is completely on his own with no one keeping an eye on him at all. How can they then be considered dangerous enough to be charged and punished? Surely there should be some rehabilitation introduced straight after arrest? That would save a lot of resources! If these men are evil and would harm children, they should not be free at all.
My husband is having intensive therapy and is also doing lots of reading and online courses. But all of this is self funded. We can only afford to do this as we are using our savings for our old age.
Nothing makes sense to me. These men need help and support, and so do we. Living in this limbo is so unhealthy, and the impact affects not just them and us, but wider family, friends and neighbours.
Hi tabs
Sorry to here your in the situation too. It's different to the police force involved but that's what I got told the day of the knock.the original timeline we were given was it was all going to be sorted within 9months then it was extended, and we are still waiting. I agree there is no help even from his doctors until the investigation is sorted and he's charged. We tried to get him help as soon as the knock happened. I got him two books that was recommended and he's done the online course on stop it now. He's seeing SAA to help with his porn addiction too. I'm not sure what else he can do to show his remorse. If you want to chat tabs look me up on Mumsnet
Name is poobear86.
Don't worry if you don't just wanted to put it out there.
Sorry to here your in the situation too. It's different to the police force involved but that's what I got told the day of the knock.the original timeline we were given was it was all going to be sorted within 9months then it was extended, and we are still waiting. I agree there is no help even from his doctors until the investigation is sorted and he's charged. We tried to get him help as soon as the knock happened. I got him two books that was recommended and he's done the online course on stop it now. He's seeing SAA to help with his porn addiction too. I'm not sure what else he can do to show his remorse. If you want to chat tabs look me up on Mumsnet
Name is poobear86.
Don't worry if you don't just wanted to put it out there.
D1286- what is SAA? We're going to get Bob on the Inform + course in the New Year. And we have also ordered one of the recommended books (The Porn Trap). Bob has been re reading Wind in the Willows (Piper at Dawn chapter rather than Toad going to chokie) but he's also reading Dalai Lama's Art of Happiness - which is also helpful. He's even marked out passages for me!
SAA is sexual addiction annomous. And it sounds like your going in the right direction.
I am almost 5 years post knock. First Christmas together as a family since then. Every day is a mind fuck day until that trial. The waiting is the worst so I fully empathise with you. It's hard knowing how to talk to him, you want to help as you love them but then you have the thoughts of "this is your fecking fault why doi feel bad?". Every day is different, some days will easier. We are all in this awful club but together we will all get through it. You're doing great sweetheart x
OMG, police have just left, I am shaking, don't know where to turn. Have taken away my adult son's computer equipement - totally mind blown - just reaching out
Noa.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here in this very unique club. If your on Mumsnet you can rant to me and reach out
Name on there is Poobear86.
It is all very raw for you right now and we all know that feeling. The shaking will stop trust me. It will all settle down.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here in this very unique club. If your on Mumsnet you can rant to me and reach out
Name on there is Poobear86.
It is all very raw for you right now and we all know that feeling. The shaking will stop trust me. It will all settle down.
Thanks D
Literally shaking...have just phoned in sick to work, head is spinning...
Literally shaking...have just phoned in sick to work, head is spinning...
We are 15months post knock and trust me I rang in sick for 3 days. Your welcome. So have the police arrested him to.
Not arrested, equipment been taken away for examination, he has told me that they will find images :(
They also found drugs..it was one of those moments when you just think it can't get worse...and then it does
They also found drugs..it was one of those moments when you just think it can't get worse...and then it does
Wow that is a tough day. We are all here for you.
Sorry to hear you have received the knock, but pleased to hear you have found this forum it is full of useful information but more importantly amazing support. This journey is in no way quick and it is an emotional rollercoaster that keeps going you just get used to it. If you feel you can please ring the helpline they will listen and support and offer guidance. Post on here as much as you need I'm sure there will always be able offer an ear. Please look after yourself and take things day by day x
Thanks for the support, it means so much when there seems like there is no-where to turn. Have phoned in sick to work..don't have to go in until Thursday buys me a bit of time before I have to face anyone.
Oh NOA 1- I feel for you. I am only 2weeks post 'knock' today - and I couldn't move/think straight for two days. Call the helpline when you're ready - the people on the end of the line are incredibly helpful. My husband was arrested(and released on bail the same day) - he has also contacted the helpline and found they listened well. This forum contains many helpful posts and much support. You are not alone. The shock will ease. Have you other family? How is you son? How are you all coping?
Noa, I feel for you. I remember that initial shock. Take care of yourself. This forum has been a source of strength and support. x
Thanks Tutley, and Summer
Not really got family that i feel i can confide in, if my mum was alive I could've talked to her. I'm feeling numb but desperately worried about what's going to happen. Am very grateful the police officer me eaflet to this group and site. I'll be phoning the helpline at some point I'm sure...
Not really got family that i feel i can confide in, if my mum was alive I could've talked to her. I'm feeling numb but desperately worried about what's going to happen. Am very grateful the police officer me eaflet to this group and site. I'll be phoning the helpline at some point I'm sure...
Oh NOA 1- I feel for you. I am only 2weeks post 'knock' today - and I couldn't move/think straight for two days. Call the helpline when you're ready - the people on the end of the line are incredibly helpful. My husband was arrested(and released on bail the same day) - he has also contacted the helpline and found they listened well. This forum contains many helpful posts and much support. You are not alone. The shock will ease. Have you other family to support you all through this nightmare? How is your son? How are you all coping? Virtual hugs.
Thanks Tabs, knowing i'm not alone in this means a great deal. It's not the kind of thing you can just pick up the phone to your best mate and confide in them is it!
Whoops - sorry about the repetition - indicative of the state I am in.
Noa, I feel like I could just give you a massive squishy cuddle. I'm so sorry you are in this position. It is such a horrible time, my husband was the offender in my case, I cant imagine what it's like for you as a mother.
One thing I have to say is your son has done the right thing in telling you they will find something. That wouldn't have been easy for him to do. He is being accountable for his actions. This will ease the shock unlike if he pleaded ignorant and then the police informing you.
I cannot recommend the helpline enough. I called a couple of days after my husband spent the night in the cells. They comforted me as well as being completely logical. You are in the early days, this is the tough part. Your mind will be everywhere. At least here you gave the help and support you need. You are not alone my love x
One thing I have to say is your son has done the right thing in telling you they will find something. That wouldn't have been easy for him to do. He is being accountable for his actions. This will ease the shock unlike if he pleaded ignorant and then the police informing you.
I cannot recommend the helpline enough. I called a couple of days after my husband spent the night in the cells. They comforted me as well as being completely logical. You are in the early days, this is the tough part. Your mind will be everywhere. At least here you gave the help and support you need. You are not alone my love x
Thank you SallyBlue, I'm really floundering here! This forum is a godsend, got no-one here i can confide in. My son's father doesn't live locally (split up when son was a baby) and has issues with pretty extreme alcoholism so isn't one to be able to rely on..whilst i'm appalled i want to help my son. From what i understand it could take a while for anything to happen, there aren't any child protection issues, ie no children in the house, or in close family, there's no suggestion of online engagement with children. I may be in my fifites but right now i really want my mum