Reoffending
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Does anyone out there have the experience of staying with someone, and their person NOT reoffending, at all for a period of say 5 years or more?
I forgave, stood by, lost everything, understood and suffered immensely, and for what? My person reoffended after three years of being clean and so totally back on track. The shock the second time was worse than the first because I honestly couldn't believe he would ever put me through that again. Was I a fool to believe the remorse?
Initially on this journey of hell, I was led to believe that this was a blip, a wake-up call and that reoffending was very rare, but sadly on here it does not seem to be the case. It could of course be that those who successfully turn lives around and move on, no longer have the need to keep coming on here. I would be curious to know of any positive examples where people genuinely manage to kick this addiction.
its too late for me, and I'm now of the opinion that once someone has gone down this road they will do it again, and again, despite the best support and care anyone could wish for, despite prison, despite absolutely not wanting to reoffend. I can't quite get past the idea in my head that anyone who can look at such things in one mindset and cope with it, will ever really change. I just wish I had been given a slightly more realistic picture at the outset. I wish I had walked away at the beginning rather than continuing to hope, trust and believe. I hope I am wrong and there are examples of people who stayed and were genuinely rewarded with a complete turning away from porn, forever. Sadly I stood by someone who wasn't able to do this, and my life was destroyed in the process. I am stronger and I have good friends but i have still lost so much. I look back on what I thought was my very happy and full life, and now wonder if any of it was real. Sorry if this is rather downbeat. Christmas is now a very difficult time for me, and gives me cause for reflecting.
I forgave, stood by, lost everything, understood and suffered immensely, and for what? My person reoffended after three years of being clean and so totally back on track. The shock the second time was worse than the first because I honestly couldn't believe he would ever put me through that again. Was I a fool to believe the remorse?
Initially on this journey of hell, I was led to believe that this was a blip, a wake-up call and that reoffending was very rare, but sadly on here it does not seem to be the case. It could of course be that those who successfully turn lives around and move on, no longer have the need to keep coming on here. I would be curious to know of any positive examples where people genuinely manage to kick this addiction.
its too late for me, and I'm now of the opinion that once someone has gone down this road they will do it again, and again, despite the best support and care anyone could wish for, despite prison, despite absolutely not wanting to reoffend. I can't quite get past the idea in my head that anyone who can look at such things in one mindset and cope with it, will ever really change. I just wish I had been given a slightly more realistic picture at the outset. I wish I had walked away at the beginning rather than continuing to hope, trust and believe. I hope I am wrong and there are examples of people who stayed and were genuinely rewarded with a complete turning away from porn, forever. Sadly I stood by someone who wasn't able to do this, and my life was destroyed in the process. I am stronger and I have good friends but i have still lost so much. I look back on what I thought was my very happy and full life, and now wonder if any of it was real. Sorry if this is rather downbeat. Christmas is now a very difficult time for me, and gives me cause for reflecting.
Hi,
Really sorry to hear your story. Sadly - I am currently going through the same thing. Like you, I was told the previous offence was a blip, email attachment opened and deleted straight away. I stood by my husband. Single handedly saved him after a suicide attempt as the ambulance waiting time was over 3 hours. I put our two children through hell of prison visits. Lost all friends. Got him all the help for mental health problems I could. Almost starved. But it was the four of us against the world. His motto was: as long as we're together the rest will fall in place.
For the past 5 years life went back to normal. We made new friends. Had plans and hopes for future. Both worked and shared school run responsibilities.
Two weeks ago we had the knock again. He's been charged and remanded. It's much worse than last time, from what I've been told.
I lost everything again. We are facing eviction and I have no friends or family to help. I'm relying on the services and cope one day at a time. We cry a lot and it breaks my heart every time my child wakes up with a nightmare. This time I won't be fooled - I cut all contact with him and there's no going back.
I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again and I'm trying very hard not to blame myself for choosing to trust him before.
I believe there might be people who genuinely got desensitised to porn. But if they don't actively look for support and treatment, then there's no chance this can end well.
Christmas this year will be very difficult for us.
Really sorry to hear your story. Sadly - I am currently going through the same thing. Like you, I was told the previous offence was a blip, email attachment opened and deleted straight away. I stood by my husband. Single handedly saved him after a suicide attempt as the ambulance waiting time was over 3 hours. I put our two children through hell of prison visits. Lost all friends. Got him all the help for mental health problems I could. Almost starved. But it was the four of us against the world. His motto was: as long as we're together the rest will fall in place.
For the past 5 years life went back to normal. We made new friends. Had plans and hopes for future. Both worked and shared school run responsibilities.
Two weeks ago we had the knock again. He's been charged and remanded. It's much worse than last time, from what I've been told.
I lost everything again. We are facing eviction and I have no friends or family to help. I'm relying on the services and cope one day at a time. We cry a lot and it breaks my heart every time my child wakes up with a nightmare. This time I won't be fooled - I cut all contact with him and there's no going back.
I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again and I'm trying very hard not to blame myself for choosing to trust him before.
I believe there might be people who genuinely got desensitised to porn. But if they don't actively look for support and treatment, then there's no chance this can end well.
Christmas this year will be very difficult for us.
My person was arrested seven years ago but I know that he will always have it in him to have the possibility to reoffend. I view it a bit like an alcoholic. Many know that just one drink could send them spiraling again.
I say to my person it has responsibility to spot any external triggers that might lead him back to reoffending and seek help asap. There were external factors that would make him lose sense, such as stress and low self worth. I dread if he ever reoffends. He is on the SHPO and SOR so has regular check ins with police a d has devices monitored. But that is for another five years.
I have some family members who are aware and when I told them he is monitored they made a valid point about what will happen when these safeguards are removed. So I have it in my head that when we are near the end of the SOR that he will need top up therapy and his discipline will be needed for the rest of his life.
Every offender is different, as we are all individuals. Statistics suggest the 'risk' decreases with time. I think, as he had an assessment for the purpose of trying to have contact with his kids, that one assessor quoted at least one study suggesting the 'risk' decreases further after five years, and more so at 8. But I don't have the report to hand. But I don't dwell on stats too much, because as I said they are individuals and can't fit all into one box.
I'm sorry to hear that those in your life have reoffended. I hope you don't feel a sense of responsibility for this. They knew better and it is on them. But ofc it impacts you greatly. I feel if I was in the same boat that I would greatly struggle to trust anyone.
In my opinion, it is the offenders responsibility to maintain measure to prevent them reoffending. And most of that is self help, as getting support externally costs money and waiting times.
My person did the LF course and has the notes to fall back on. But he never had one in one therapy to delbe I to his own specific reasons and triggers. He has had to find these himself. I do wish he had more specific therapy, but is cost prohibitive. I hope when finances are better he will get the support.
I say to my person it has responsibility to spot any external triggers that might lead him back to reoffending and seek help asap. There were external factors that would make him lose sense, such as stress and low self worth. I dread if he ever reoffends. He is on the SHPO and SOR so has regular check ins with police a d has devices monitored. But that is for another five years.
I have some family members who are aware and when I told them he is monitored they made a valid point about what will happen when these safeguards are removed. So I have it in my head that when we are near the end of the SOR that he will need top up therapy and his discipline will be needed for the rest of his life.
Every offender is different, as we are all individuals. Statistics suggest the 'risk' decreases with time. I think, as he had an assessment for the purpose of trying to have contact with his kids, that one assessor quoted at least one study suggesting the 'risk' decreases further after five years, and more so at 8. But I don't have the report to hand. But I don't dwell on stats too much, because as I said they are individuals and can't fit all into one box.
I'm sorry to hear that those in your life have reoffended. I hope you don't feel a sense of responsibility for this. They knew better and it is on them. But ofc it impacts you greatly. I feel if I was in the same boat that I would greatly struggle to trust anyone.
In my opinion, it is the offenders responsibility to maintain measure to prevent them reoffending. And most of that is self help, as getting support externally costs money and waiting times.
My person did the LF course and has the notes to fall back on. But he never had one in one therapy to delbe I to his own specific reasons and triggers. He has had to find these himself. I do wish he had more specific therapy, but is cost prohibitive. I hope when finances are better he will get the support.
My partner reoffonded. I wasn't with him when he committed the first offence.
He was sentenced to prison the first time and on SOR for 10 years. However he never got the support to learn why and how to deal with his triggers. That's why I stayed when he offended when we were together.
Luckily a judge agreed that he had been let down with support etc. He got a 3 year community order and didn't get any more time on the SOR.
He did the horizon course and worked with probation on his triggers etc and how to control them.
Once our little girl was born and unfortunately take 2 years ago we found more things he could do to help him and he had 1 to 1 therapy with stopso.
He's been offence free for coming up to 6 years now.
His first and 2 offence were 3 years apart.
Regarding some people on here about them being monitored while on sor etc but not when off.
Through stopso I learnt about an app you can put on all your OH devices, it's called accountable2you.
You do have to pay monthly for it. But you can put your own trigger words in it that can flag etc
It can help to protect you and if you have child because then if any concerning behaviour you will know and can deal with it accordingly
He was sentenced to prison the first time and on SOR for 10 years. However he never got the support to learn why and how to deal with his triggers. That's why I stayed when he offended when we were together.
Luckily a judge agreed that he had been let down with support etc. He got a 3 year community order and didn't get any more time on the SOR.
He did the horizon course and worked with probation on his triggers etc and how to control them.
Once our little girl was born and unfortunately take 2 years ago we found more things he could do to help him and he had 1 to 1 therapy with stopso.
He's been offence free for coming up to 6 years now.
His first and 2 offence were 3 years apart.
Regarding some people on here about them being monitored while on sor etc but not when off.
Through stopso I learnt about an app you can put on all your OH devices, it's called accountable2you.
You do have to pay monthly for it. But you can put your own trigger words in it that can flag etc
It can help to protect you and if you have child because then if any concerning behaviour you will know and can deal with it accordingly
Thank you for sharing your stories so sorry this has happened to you. Does anyone have any experience of reoffending relating to communication or is it usually viewing.
My partners was 1 video and communication the first time.
And just communication the 2nd time.
And just communication the 2nd time.
Viewing the first time. He's done downloading and distribution the second time.
I'm so sorry you are going through this a second time. That's cruel.
If you look up CPORT, I think it stands for child pornography online risk tool, every offender has a risk of recidivism based on 7 factors. So for some offenders it's low, and others it is quite high.
My husband attends 12 step meetings and he reassures me there are long timers there who have found a way not to re-offend. I suspect ongoing accountability through twelve step or another support group would add a protective factor. I believe it's a risk that needs to be managed long term.
I want you to know you did nothing wrong to support after the first time. In fact, family support is also a protective factor. None of this is your fault. Take care of yourself.
If you look up CPORT, I think it stands for child pornography online risk tool, every offender has a risk of recidivism based on 7 factors. So for some offenders it's low, and others it is quite high.
My husband attends 12 step meetings and he reassures me there are long timers there who have found a way not to re-offend. I suspect ongoing accountability through twelve step or another support group would add a protective factor. I believe it's a risk that needs to be managed long term.
I want you to know you did nothing wrong to support after the first time. In fact, family support is also a protective factor. None of this is your fault. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for your responses.
It was viewing first time, then downloading and distribution second time. He did all the courses, paid for counselling and was attending ongoing 12 step programme. I was convinced he was genuinely changed and free. He promised to tell me if he was tempted to stray and then when it all blew up I was told that the secrecy is all part of it, and he couldn't tell me because he knew he'd lose me. I'd already lost grandchildren and most of my family, and then to add insult to injury his mother blamed me for "not being enough for him". I try not to blame myself for choosing to give him another chance when now I know that was pointless. Everyone who knew us said we had the perfect relationship and I thought so too for over two decades. I look back now and wonder if I ever really knew him at all. I can't imagine being able to trust anyone again.
It was viewing first time, then downloading and distribution second time. He did all the courses, paid for counselling and was attending ongoing 12 step programme. I was convinced he was genuinely changed and free. He promised to tell me if he was tempted to stray and then when it all blew up I was told that the secrecy is all part of it, and he couldn't tell me because he knew he'd lose me. I'd already lost grandchildren and most of my family, and then to add insult to injury his mother blamed me for "not being enough for him". I try not to blame myself for choosing to give him another chance when now I know that was pointless. Everyone who knew us said we had the perfect relationship and I thought so too for over two decades. I look back now and wonder if I ever really knew him at all. I can't imagine being able to trust anyone again.
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My OH has reoffended after 10 years I wasn't with him when he offended the first time but met him after he was released from prison and he saw to me it would never ever happen again. I lost my children because of him and my grandchildren because of him in fact, I lost everything because of him and now he's gone and done it again and caused me no end of pain and heartache and I know I've got a lot Worse to come once it all comes out and it's in the papers I wonder why I bothered giving him a second chance I Feel like I've been lied to and cheated on. He's got absolutely no excuse The first time he said he had mental health issues but this time he's got no excuses at all
It was 20 years for my husband between the original IIOC and this one. I read the comments above and they sound so similar to my situation. He ruined my life. For now. I'm struggling, but me and my children will get through this. He, however, will never get another chance.