Support not as supportive!
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Evening everyone, here I am again! Sorry to burden you with the next instalment but I need to take a minute with you all in my safe space!
It turns out my parents aren't fully supporting us, they've said tonight that they're in a very awkward position and although they still like my OH and they're not condemning him, they want to see what the outcome at crown court is so it doesn't look as if they're condoning it. I think it's been such a huge shock and they've been really sad about the whole thing. Still not spoken to my sister in law in person (social work background) but she's spent 3 hours with my parents today - along with my highly opinionated brother - so I can only assume that this might have culminated in the response.
Felt sad at the turn around, or that they'd not told me what they were thinking sooner, I went cold all over when mum called to tell me tonight - had a few of those all over body chills during this journey, I'm sure you'll know what I mean.
However there's part of me that's absolutely resolute (I've become far stronger than I ever thought I would be) and I know I want my life to be with my OH. He's my one. He made an error of judgement, he's committed to understanding why and come out a much better person for it. I'm not quite clear how anything that happens in court can take that away from him, and if my parents can't see that, then I don't hold out much hope for the rest of them! I think ultimately they need more time, but Xmas is now going to look very different and that's really tough.
At least I still have the unwavering support from my ex. He has had experience of problematic porn and understands the dangers of the online world - plus we both had experience of the mess and ridiculousness of the family court when his estranged parents took us to court to get access to our kids! It's nice to have his grounded opinion and he's the one helping me keep my head straight at the minute. I've asked him round for Christmas Eve with my OH so we can say thank you for his support. What an unlikely trio though!!
As I always say these days, the sun will rise and the sun will set, bring on another day and another challenge! X
It turns out my parents aren't fully supporting us, they've said tonight that they're in a very awkward position and although they still like my OH and they're not condemning him, they want to see what the outcome at crown court is so it doesn't look as if they're condoning it. I think it's been such a huge shock and they've been really sad about the whole thing. Still not spoken to my sister in law in person (social work background) but she's spent 3 hours with my parents today - along with my highly opinionated brother - so I can only assume that this might have culminated in the response.
Felt sad at the turn around, or that they'd not told me what they were thinking sooner, I went cold all over when mum called to tell me tonight - had a few of those all over body chills during this journey, I'm sure you'll know what I mean.
However there's part of me that's absolutely resolute (I've become far stronger than I ever thought I would be) and I know I want my life to be with my OH. He's my one. He made an error of judgement, he's committed to understanding why and come out a much better person for it. I'm not quite clear how anything that happens in court can take that away from him, and if my parents can't see that, then I don't hold out much hope for the rest of them! I think ultimately they need more time, but Xmas is now going to look very different and that's really tough.
At least I still have the unwavering support from my ex. He has had experience of problematic porn and understands the dangers of the online world - plus we both had experience of the mess and ridiculousness of the family court when his estranged parents took us to court to get access to our kids! It's nice to have his grounded opinion and he's the one helping me keep my head straight at the minute. I've asked him round for Christmas Eve with my OH so we can say thank you for his support. What an unlikely trio though!!
As I always say these days, the sun will rise and the sun will set, bring on another day and another challenge! X
Hello,
Thank you for posting on the Family and Friends Forum, we understand that it is not easy to post on a forum about these difficult situations. I can see that you have not yet had a reply on your post, hopefully someone else in a similar situation can reply soon with some support.
If you haven't already done so, I would also encourage you to contact our Stop it Now helpline. The helpline is anonymous, confidential and free, on 0808 1000 900. One of our trained advisors will then be able to explore your situation in detail and provide some support and do their best to answer your questions. Our trained advisors deal with similar concerns to yours every day and will be able to talk these through with you and offer you the best advice we can.
I hope this has been helpful.
Take care,
Lucy
Thank you for posting on the Family and Friends Forum, we understand that it is not easy to post on a forum about these difficult situations. I can see that you have not yet had a reply on your post, hopefully someone else in a similar situation can reply soon with some support.
If you haven't already done so, I would also encourage you to contact our Stop it Now helpline. The helpline is anonymous, confidential and free, on 0808 1000 900. One of our trained advisors will then be able to explore your situation in detail and provide some support and do their best to answer your questions. Our trained advisors deal with similar concerns to yours every day and will be able to talk these through with you and offer you the best advice we can.
I hope this has been helpful.
Take care,
Lucy
Sorry to have missed your post - if spotted I would have immediately responded.
I throughly understand your heartbreak but please realise it might not be like this forever. Family support may drift in and out as your journey progresses.
BUT time really is a great healer and attitudes can soften and change.
In my case I have to accept that my son will never be welcome back into our family fold and do my best to rebuild our relationships + move forward.
Your family obviously are shocked/upset and confused. I've learnt that everyone really does deal with this situation in their own way and sadly it does clash and make it painful for you (which is so unfair).
All I can say, is try to be patient - hold your head up high with the decisions you have made and just try to do your best each day. Remember also to look after yourself.... x
I throughly understand your heartbreak but please realise it might not be like this forever. Family support may drift in and out as your journey progresses.
BUT time really is a great healer and attitudes can soften and change.
In my case I have to accept that my son will never be welcome back into our family fold and do my best to rebuild our relationships + move forward.
Your family obviously are shocked/upset and confused. I've learnt that everyone really does deal with this situation in their own way and sadly it does clash and make it painful for you (which is so unfair).
All I can say, is try to be patient - hold your head up high with the decisions you have made and just try to do your best each day. Remember also to look after yourself.... x
I am so sorry to hear this has happened, it is one of the hardest parts of this journey dealing with family who you think one minute would sacrifice anything including their life for you to feeling isolated, deserted and alone. We probably all have those strong personalities within our family units who think they know everything about everything, sadly they know very little about our situations in particular those that have never been on this journey. Saying that, what a trouper your ex is, thankfully for yourself support does happen sometimes from the most unlikely places. Seeing it from the other side (professional bodies) has absolutely no bearing to what our individual relationships are, the professionals are quick to stereotype every one the same whilst not allowing for the many variables that make our situations similar but unique to ourselves. I could have written the script about how my brother and sister in law would react, hysteria springs to mind as they attempted to turn our whole family against my husband which backfired on them! Like yourself, I managed to cocoon myself and told people I had no space in my head for anyone wanting to declare their negative self indulgent feelings. As one of our previous ladies used to say "Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"...
Yes we become stronger people as we continue to navigate this whole mad situation.
Time will help, I know it's an old cliche but it really does. Stay strong, focus on those who are important to you and most of all be kind to yourself and look after yourself.
I wish you and your family a peaceful and happy Christmas.
Best wishes
Katie xxx
Yes we become stronger people as we continue to navigate this whole mad situation.
Time will help, I know it's an old cliche but it really does. Stay strong, focus on those who are important to you and most of all be kind to yourself and look after yourself.
I wish you and your family a peaceful and happy Christmas.
Best wishes
Katie xxx
Thank you everyone. Our conversations continue and the more context I provide my M&D the more it helps. My sister in law is in social work and has made it clear they don't want to be around my OH, and certainly nowhere near my niece. Fortunately as much as I love them, we're not super close, although the main people that will affect going forward are my parents, so that's sad in itself for them.
We had probation meeting yesterday and it couldn't have gone any better. She was lovely and we were almost with her for 2 hours!! She would obviously never condone the offence (none of us would) but she said she'd been doing the job for 18 years and found it very rare to see such a commitment from someone to understand themselves better and to put in the work required. She thought we were a lovely couple and I genuinely felt like she was rooting for us - for best possible outcome and no press. Lap of the gods everyone!!
I can't say I'm looking forward to the next couple of days, certainly not a Boxing Day party with my brother and sister in law there, don't have brave face energy and certainly don't feel like a party when the man I love can't be with me. Anyway c'mon Santa let's get this over and done with - and I'll focus on my kids and their smiles.
Take care everyone xxxx
We had probation meeting yesterday and it couldn't have gone any better. She was lovely and we were almost with her for 2 hours!! She would obviously never condone the offence (none of us would) but she said she'd been doing the job for 18 years and found it very rare to see such a commitment from someone to understand themselves better and to put in the work required. She thought we were a lovely couple and I genuinely felt like she was rooting for us - for best possible outcome and no press. Lap of the gods everyone!!
I can't say I'm looking forward to the next couple of days, certainly not a Boxing Day party with my brother and sister in law there, don't have brave face energy and certainly don't feel like a party when the man I love can't be with me. Anyway c'mon Santa let's get this over and done with - and I'll focus on my kids and their smiles.
Take care everyone xxxx
From my POV I can see why people hold off till the court case to make decisions, as court seems to be the one point where absolutely everything comes out (the reality seems to be that plenty of men lie or minimise). Its how I'm approaching things with my 'OH' TBH. This might be controversial on here, but maintaining friendships / relationships / family bonds with people who've viewed abuse images etc is an act of grace, not an entitlement. And its also an act of grace which might need to come with time and evidence of sustained longterm attempts to change. I've maintained contact (we're separated) with OH pending the outcome of the investigation, and facilitate contact between him and his children, but I guess I don't expect anyone else to? Especially as it also come to light that he's cheated 'legally' online and offline for years. I can really relate to the shock, horror, sense of mistrust and betrayal, worry over children's safety, because they're all so real for me. I have family members who really struggle with me maintaining even the level of contact I do, and while its painful I do get it. Ultimately he's the one who broke those bonds, not them.