Family and Friends Forum

Hello everyone

ive posted a couple times recently but i honestly feel at a stand still with everything.
i cant see how this can get any better, i keep telling myself that it will and this isnt permenant and that one day this will be behind us but recently i just think who am i kidding.

My OH is being charged with 1xadult attempt to communicate (police decoy over half a hour. conversation is no more than 1 a4 but i know thats not relevent or the point), 1xcatb b and 1xcat c. its been to magistrates and was sent to crown court.
The judge has told him and his barrister that shes not going to hand out custodial and that starting point is 18month suspended or high level community order and thats without the pre sentence report and all the other migating factors and strangely enough i cant wait to get it done when he goes back mid january. Judge told him to enjoy his no bail conditions and to enjoy christmas with his family but we cant enjoy it.

Social been back in our lives and is making it hell. i Feel intimidated in my own home and pressurised to leave him and shes asked me so many times do i understand what hes done and do i know the full extent in which i do and ive said he will always be a risk but its a risk we can manage and i believe he can manage too but she isnt having any of it.
she got ppu to get in touch with me for full disclosure despite me knowing everything and seeing his charge sheet etc, she told me she believes he will get custodial and our house will be a target should it be made public (thankfully it hasnt yet and im praying no media is there at sentencing) even though its his parents address he at etc.



our social worker and his ppu met up with him at his parents house and he felt backed into a corner, they seem to be twisting everything he is saying. He was told by one of the ppu (i guess in his case, its one "good cop and bad cop") and they said that everyone who does this is and everyone on the SOR is a high risk and are a danger to all children including his own so he will always be seen as high risk to them and that they believe he is minimising and in denial except hes admitted guilt from day one (despite his solicitor calling him stupid for doing so etc) and hes wanting to work with them.
He simply asked what we should do about our tenancy as we are joint on it and whether we should take him off as hes is financial responsible for the house and bills which he is until i go back to work and we get no other income and he was told no as its not permenant and if we are still together and hes on the tenancy then he dont have to but then they rang me telling me that he is coming across as manipluative and that he come across as if he was saying without him , me and our children cant live in the house, i had to explain he provides still for his family so technially he is right.
hes now struggling being labelled with being a high risk and nothing he does is going to lower it and that hes a manipulator which he isnt.
To add to it all, He was also told that how do they know "thats hes not done this in the past and not got caught" or if "hes done this between his arrest and now" , what happened to ppu being supportive and not judging? (he hasnt by the way) but im so angry with it all.
The "nice side" of his ppu which i think is his offending manager, came to visit him a couple days later on the way home after her shift and asked if he okay and he appoligsed for how he came across but that wasnt his intentions etc and she was lovely with him and told him its never usually like that etc so im hoping he can get back on track with at least her.

For me, its early days with our new social worker but she is so judgemenal, constantly asking me why i am with him and if im sure i dont want to leave the relationship etc. shes coming out wednesday and ive literally vomited with nerves, shes already seen the children in the home (we are doing a child and family assessment which i regret signing the consent forms for) and commented on how happy and confident and amazing they are which makes me so proud but then its ruined by her very own clear views.
im unsure if shes a student social worker as i recieved a email document outline dates and times for visits and calls etc and although she signed it off with social worker, it states at the top with her contact details, her name then states student social worker. i dont want to ask but i dont know whether to complain.

my head is all over the place, another year where my children are asking santa for daddy to come home and "santa" cant give that, theyve genuinley not asked for anything else.
i cant enjoy christmas. im dreading wedneday. its the last week of school and i just wanted to try and soak in the christmas spirit but its shadowed. School safeguarding keep giving me awful looks. i cant deal with her coming out with the judgments and making me uncomfortable in my own home.
i told her from day 1 that all we want to do is work with them and our end target is for him to be home but we are not expecting it to be a quick process. I told her about inform and LFF and well i already stated her comments in a previous post, i told her ive done PANTS with the children and bought the book etc and she wasnt intrested.

i cant see a light anymore. it was there but now its gone again. i feel worse now that what i did when we first got the knock, i cant sleep, i cant eat, all i do is cry when the children arent around, im full of fear around a social worker who has been in our lives for less than 2 weeks, im worried that my OH is not being treated fairly by the people who is supposed to be there for him.
no bail conditions for him yet i feel they have imposed every single restriction going. It gives me no hope to what probation is going to be like if his PPU officer (again not the female who is his offending manager)

WILL THIS FEELING GO AWAY? WILL THIS END AND WE CAN PUT IT BEHIND US AS MUCH AS WE CAN? DOES IT GET ANY WORSE? AM I ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL INTIMIDATED BY OUR SOCIAL WORKER?



Sorry for the rant, i need to offload. noone understands, im tired of people telling me it isnt forever when thats all i try to keep telling myself but it dont help. They live their lives differently than me, they dont have this directly affecting them, they dont see the hurt and the tears from our children every single day.

anyway im going to stop going on. If you got this far then THANK YOU SO MUCH xx

hello thank you so much for your reply

that is absolutely horrendous. I understand their job is to ensure that children are protected and i support that all the way and if that means that they remain in our lives for years, then im happy for that because least we always have that support and help but sometimes i do feel the power they hold gets to overbaring and too much. i am happy to work with them and want to build a good connection between them and us as a whole family but i already feel the damage is done. I do not find her approachable at all.



the comments etc from her (and i guess ppu) are not necesesry at all. i dont understand how our people are supposed to get the support through this when the people that enter our lives try to rip the famly support they do have away from them.



i do have therapy every week although it is due to end just after christmas for my anxiety and she is aware of my OH and ive often spoken about my worry of SS and shes always told me to stand my ground if i feel it necessery and she has no doubt that i always put my children first. I feel ive done absolutely everything i possibly can off my own back to show them i put my children first and i can be protetctive but that is up to them to see.

i cant believe how you and you children have been treated. what hope do we have from SS anymore? i understand there will be some lovely supportive ones like our old social worker before it was closed, was approachable, i could have rang him about anything and he would be there with advice etc and he knew what our end target was and was very supportive in getting us to that point. He sadly dont work for them anymore although i am now under the impression that he could have also possibly been a student too but either way, if we had him , i know this journey with social services would of been more workable



sending love and hugs to you xxx