Does anyone regret staying in the relationship
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This is my first post but I have been obsessively reading through posts on the site for the last few months.
My situation is a bit strange as my now ex partner (25 years together) live at separate addresses, always have. We have a daughter together who lives with me and is now over 18.
He got the knock in August 2023, but managed to keep it all from us until he appeared in court in October 2024. He still didn't tell us, a third party who worked in the court told me. I laughed it off as a joke, I thought it couldn't possibly be true but I confronted him and he fell apart and admitted it to me and our daughter, I think we went into shock. I just can't believe that the man I thought I knew and loved has been hiding this awful secret life. He has constantly lied about the charges, the ages, the amount of IIOC found that I really can't believe a word out of his mouth anymore. I finished our relationship immediately as I was horrified by not only the charges but the lies for the past 14 months since he was caught. I know I could never be with him again as the trust is gone. He is driving me mad with his poor me act though. I agreed not to tell friends the truth about why we split up, more to protect my daughter and I than him but people assume I've just left him on his own and are feeling sorry for him. Inviting him out so he's not lonely! Some days I feel so angry. We had, or so I thought, a good life, he was my best friend and I miss that. Not enough to forgive though.
When I read others posts it feels like most stand by their people, do any of you regret that decision?
he has now been sentenced 2 years suspended, 10 years SOR and SHPO and 240 community service. One of my biggest fears was the media circus that some of you have had to endure, somehow, there has been none, as yet,thank goodness.
My daughter and I have been to hell these last few months, I really don't know how many of you spend years in the state of anxiety, waiting so long for the legal process to conclude. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted but I also feel strong, if I can get through this, I can get through anything.
Sorry for such a long post
My situation is a bit strange as my now ex partner (25 years together) live at separate addresses, always have. We have a daughter together who lives with me and is now over 18.
He got the knock in August 2023, but managed to keep it all from us until he appeared in court in October 2024. He still didn't tell us, a third party who worked in the court told me. I laughed it off as a joke, I thought it couldn't possibly be true but I confronted him and he fell apart and admitted it to me and our daughter, I think we went into shock. I just can't believe that the man I thought I knew and loved has been hiding this awful secret life. He has constantly lied about the charges, the ages, the amount of IIOC found that I really can't believe a word out of his mouth anymore. I finished our relationship immediately as I was horrified by not only the charges but the lies for the past 14 months since he was caught. I know I could never be with him again as the trust is gone. He is driving me mad with his poor me act though. I agreed not to tell friends the truth about why we split up, more to protect my daughter and I than him but people assume I've just left him on his own and are feeling sorry for him. Inviting him out so he's not lonely! Some days I feel so angry. We had, or so I thought, a good life, he was my best friend and I miss that. Not enough to forgive though.
When I read others posts it feels like most stand by their people, do any of you regret that decision?
he has now been sentenced 2 years suspended, 10 years SOR and SHPO and 240 community service. One of my biggest fears was the media circus that some of you have had to endure, somehow, there has been none, as yet,thank goodness.
My daughter and I have been to hell these last few months, I really don't know how many of you spend years in the state of anxiety, waiting so long for the legal process to conclude. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted but I also feel strong, if I can get through this, I can get through anything.
Sorry for such a long post
I'm so sorry to read this. You have been through such a lot. I can hear your anger (been there - it is unfair - you have very good reason to feel rage) and perhaps loneliness in your asking about people who remained in their relationships. I questioned this myself many times but my ex husband was also someone who lied a lot. My understanding is that if a couple decided to stay together after the knock it is because of total honesty, often therapy, an equal power balance and acceptance that change needs to happen. It sounds like your ex is not that person (mine wasn't either). I got excuses, blame, lies and gaslighting. It's not about staying with them through the knock - it's about the knock presenting a situation where you see who they really are and that the person that is isn't a good partner. It's really hard when they have 2 sides - like you say the best friend side is sorely missed. But that cannot make up for the other side.
You sound like you make good choices xx I wish you all the best
You sound like you make good choices xx I wish you all the best
I totally agree with Cloud. I left at the knock and only decided to work on rebuilding our relationship after two years of seeing him actively work on himself. He still has therapy regularly, has engaged with courses to address his offending and we have had some challenging but honest conversations that were vital for change.
In your ex's case it seems like he still has an inability to see things from your perspective and expects some kind of unconditional love from you despite continuing to lie rather than facing the consequences of his actions. I hope that you and your daughter manage to heal from this. Sending love and support xxx
In your ex's case it seems like he still has an inability to see things from your perspective and expects some kind of unconditional love from you despite continuing to lie rather than facing the consequences of his actions. I hope that you and your daughter manage to heal from this. Sending love and support xxx
I stayed for quite a while wanting to believe what he was telling me. He had always been a bullshitter and telling white lies. I never thought too much about it.
More unrelated stuff came out just before he was sentenced which finally made me realise I couldn't believe a word he said. So I ended my long marriage.
Even in his release he told me what I believe is his biggest lie to date. I knew I had made the right decision and have very few regrets.
If anything I should have got out years ago but wasn't strong enough.
Who knows. Maybe the knock was a good thing....
More unrelated stuff came out just before he was sentenced which finally made me realise I couldn't believe a word he said. So I ended my long marriage.
Even in his release he told me what I believe is his biggest lie to date. I knew I had made the right decision and have very few regrets.
If anything I should have got out years ago but wasn't strong enough.
Who knows. Maybe the knock was a good thing....
I left, at first I supported as it seemed so out of character and he admitted what he'd been upto but had mitigating circumstances and insisted they would not find anything. At every stage there has been more revealed. At first he promised to work on himself but he hasn't been to his support meetings for weeks, he still hasn't registered for LFF course, still hasn't put the monitoring software on his phone, has since bought another non-brick phone and a games console. I understand he's bored but I'm not happy about these devices as I have no oversight or control of them. He hasn't challenged anything that I've pointed out is different to what he's told family.....he just seems to have lost all motivation, and doesn't realise how lucky he is to have any contact even though it's supervised. He's hardly told anyone we've split as has just been avoiding people so he doesn't have to tell them. And the only people he has told think the relationship just fizzled out. I'm raging as I've got the lions share of everything, what he's done massively affects my life, I'm having to jump through social services hoops because my child wants to see his dad. If I was being accused of this and stopped from living and seeing my child I'd be fighting tooth and nail. I've already done so much, courses, education, put restrictions at home internet etc, safeguarding, family plan, I've sorted out all the single parent finances, I've done all the Xmas presents. I've wiped the tears and sat up comforting when little one misses dad. I've lost hours of sleep worrying. I've made my decision I'm sticking to it, although I loved my person when this happened and was absolutely gobsmaked and couldn't believe what they'd done.....they have done it. The person I love wouldnt do that, I can't stay with someone who does this, who would lie to my face and keep such big and terrible secrets; a completely different side to them. The trust is gone and I still struggle to fathom how this could be the same person I've known for 30 years! You have to do what's best for you.
Thank you for your responses, it's just nice not to feel so alone. I know deep down that I have made the right decision for me but I wasn’t sure if it was a knee jerk reaction from the shock. For years I have been made to feel like I was the problem, too needy in wanting to talk about emotions etc, I think I stopped bothering to try with him. What I realise now is that he was the one with the problems and he is emotionally stunted. I can't change him and now, I don't want to, not my job.
It seems odd to me that suddenly when some of these men are caught, they're really sorry, my ex included. I know he knew what he was doing was wrong, we'd had open, honest (laugh) conversations about people who did this type of thing and the damage it causes the victims, I worked in a child protect team so had seen first hand. He condemned them, all the time he was offending, the absolute arrogance! But to me at the time, and everyone else who's ever met him you would think he's the nicest, kindest, calmest most trustworthy person in the world. It's so conflicting, but I'll give him this, he's a bloody good actor! He says he's just been really stupid and he's so sorry he's ruined his whole life but again, I feel like it's all about him, not what he's done to us and others. If he was truly sorry I feel he would have tried to get help before being caught, I feel he's just sorry that he was caught and has been held to account for his actions. He says he's working through the LFF modules and trying to get counselling and I've said "good, because if you don't there is a high chance you'll reoffend " to which he's said that will never happen.
I know I need to let go of the anger, it will only hurt me in the long run, and I will, but it might take a little time.
You are strong, amazing ladies, supporting each other and me, for that I am truly thankful
It seems odd to me that suddenly when some of these men are caught, they're really sorry, my ex included. I know he knew what he was doing was wrong, we'd had open, honest (laugh) conversations about people who did this type of thing and the damage it causes the victims, I worked in a child protect team so had seen first hand. He condemned them, all the time he was offending, the absolute arrogance! But to me at the time, and everyone else who's ever met him you would think he's the nicest, kindest, calmest most trustworthy person in the world. It's so conflicting, but I'll give him this, he's a bloody good actor! He says he's just been really stupid and he's so sorry he's ruined his whole life but again, I feel like it's all about him, not what he's done to us and others. If he was truly sorry I feel he would have tried to get help before being caught, I feel he's just sorry that he was caught and has been held to account for his actions. He says he's working through the LFF modules and trying to get counselling and I've said "good, because if you don't there is a high chance you'll reoffend " to which he's said that will never happen.
I know I need to let go of the anger, it will only hurt me in the long run, and I will, but it might take a little time.
You are strong, amazing ladies, supporting each other and me, for that I am truly thankful
That's a really good word that sums up a lot of it....conflicted. This is someone you love but you hate what they've done, you can't believe it but it's true, they're sorry but went and did it anyway, they say they've been honest but have lied up until being caught...sometimes after. It's a lot to get your head round.
I stayed. And now I deeply regret it, because we had another knock. Just as I thought our lives are getting back to normal, out of the blue, my world imploded again. And it's much worse than last time. My children are older too, so I really worry about the horrific impact this situation has on them. I feel old. Tired. Used. Stupid. And so very guilty for putting my children through this. I'm also angry at myself for missing him. The person I loved and spent two decades married to does not exist. . I never really knew the real him, have I?
Mumoftwo I do so sympathise with you. I also stayed and it happened again, and yes I regret my decision to trust, to rebuild and give a second chance. The fallout is so much worse having been made a complete fool of. My advice now would be to separate as soon as you learn the truth. I now realise that my person has had a lifetime's experience of concealing the truth and is very convincing. The kinder you are, the more you get hurt.
I don't regret my decision. I've still got to go through the trauma of selling the house, buying a new place then starting divorce proceedings. Won't lie it all scares the shit out of me. I'm dreading this Christmas alone but I know that next Christmas will be much better.
Everything takes time but we all need to put our own needs and those of our kids first - and be kind to ourselves.
Everything takes time but we all need to put our own needs and those of our kids first - and be kind to ourselves.
I initially kicked him out then tried to rebuild our relationship. He was full of remorse agreed to therapy etc. OIC didn't even know if there would be charges from CPS.
I fell pregnant & we then had sentancing. It was quite clear from the evidence I heard in court OH had lied & there was no way this was all an 'accident.'
I Still persevered trying to get him into therapy to address his issues. His life carried on as normal to a certain extent. Mine not so much. I was terribly burnt out from supervising with a young child & the media attention was awful and the knock on effects with problems with neighbours.
He then started with the denial in regards to his offending & gaslighting me.
I found him offending again & called the police myself.
I lost our marital home etc & have PTSD now. Honestly yes, I wish I had just walked away initially. But then I wouldn't have had my LO.
For all me & my little one have been through we are now very happy in our new home.
There was a post a few days ago asking are women too understanding? I think if you are an empathetic person it can very easily lead you to be manipulated. I would say to any women going through this to listen carefully to what their other halfs say.
To stay and make things work, there needs to be complete honesty, a willing to go through therapy (individually and as a couple) and a willingness to move forwards without ignoring the reasons behind the offending.
You hear alot about porn addiction leading to these offences & that can be very true. However there is also a percentage of men who will blame porn addiction to disguise their sexual interest in children. Unfortunately it's difficult to find out where the offender sits until more evidence comes to light. Therapy is available to both sets of persons if willing though
I highly recommend Circles for therapy.
Good luck. X
I fell pregnant & we then had sentancing. It was quite clear from the evidence I heard in court OH had lied & there was no way this was all an 'accident.'
I Still persevered trying to get him into therapy to address his issues. His life carried on as normal to a certain extent. Mine not so much. I was terribly burnt out from supervising with a young child & the media attention was awful and the knock on effects with problems with neighbours.
He then started with the denial in regards to his offending & gaslighting me.
I found him offending again & called the police myself.
I lost our marital home etc & have PTSD now. Honestly yes, I wish I had just walked away initially. But then I wouldn't have had my LO.
For all me & my little one have been through we are now very happy in our new home.
There was a post a few days ago asking are women too understanding? I think if you are an empathetic person it can very easily lead you to be manipulated. I would say to any women going through this to listen carefully to what their other halfs say.
To stay and make things work, there needs to be complete honesty, a willing to go through therapy (individually and as a couple) and a willingness to move forwards without ignoring the reasons behind the offending.
You hear alot about porn addiction leading to these offences & that can be very true. However there is also a percentage of men who will blame porn addiction to disguise their sexual interest in children. Unfortunately it's difficult to find out where the offender sits until more evidence comes to light. Therapy is available to both sets of persons if willing though
I highly recommend Circles for therapy.
Good luck. X
I initially kicked him out then tried to rebuild our relationship. He was full of remorse agreed to therapy etc. OIC didn't even know if there would be charges from CPS.
I fell pregnant & we then had sentancing. It was quite clear from the evidence I heard in court OH had lied & there was no way this was all an 'accident.'
I Still persevered trying to get him into therapy to address his issues. His life carried on as normal to a certain extent. Mine not so much. I was terribly burnt out from supervising with a young child & the media attention was awful and the knock on effects with problems with neighbours.
He then started with the denial in regards to his offending & gaslighting me.
I found him offending again & called the police myself.
I lost our marital home etc & have PTSD now. Honestly yes, I wish I had just walked away initially. But then I wouldn't have had my LO.
For all me & my little one have been through we are now very happy in our new home.
There was a post a few days ago asking are women too understanding? I think if you are an empathetic person it can very easily lead you to be manipulated. I would say to any women going through this to listen carefully to what their other halfs say.
To stay and make things work, there needs to be complete honesty, a willing to go through therapy (individually and as a couple) and a willingness to move forwards without ignoring the reasons behind the offending.
You hear alot about porn addiction leading to these offences & that can be very true. However there is also a percentage of men who will blame porn addiction to disguise their sexual interest in children. Unfortunately it's difficult to find out where the offender sits until more evidence comes to light. Therapy is available to both sets of persons if willing though
I highly recommend Circles for therapy.
Good luck. X
I fell pregnant & we then had sentancing. It was quite clear from the evidence I heard in court OH had lied & there was no way this was all an 'accident.'
I Still persevered trying to get him into therapy to address his issues. His life carried on as normal to a certain extent. Mine not so much. I was terribly burnt out from supervising with a young child & the media attention was awful and the knock on effects with problems with neighbours.
He then started with the denial in regards to his offending & gaslighting me.
I found him offending again & called the police myself.
I lost our marital home etc & have PTSD now. Honestly yes, I wish I had just walked away initially. But then I wouldn't have had my LO.
For all me & my little one have been through we are now very happy in our new home.
There was a post a few days ago asking are women too understanding? I think if you are an empathetic person it can very easily lead you to be manipulated. I would say to any women going through this to listen carefully to what their other halfs say.
To stay and make things work, there needs to be complete honesty, a willing to go through therapy (individually and as a couple) and a willingness to move forwards without ignoring the reasons behind the offending.
You hear alot about porn addiction leading to these offences & that can be very true. However there is also a percentage of men who will blame porn addiction to disguise their sexual interest in children. Unfortunately it's difficult to find out where the offender sits until more evidence comes to light. Therapy is available to both sets of persons if willing though
I highly recommend Circles for therapy.
Good luck. X