What do you think?
Notifications OFF
Hello ladies,
I watched a video on YT about a lady that found images on her partners devices and reported him to the police. She never stayed with him. A very brave lady for going public with her story.
I know I would not get the same reaction or empathy from strangers if I was public with my journey as I have stayed.
There are so many ladies on this forum on different journeys and I wonder what you ladies that have left think about us that have stayed?
I have spoken to people that have said they have no idea what they would do if they were in my situation and I appreciate them for being so honest.
Ladies that straight away were done, how did you make such a decision? I'm only curious.
I watched a video on YT about a lady that found images on her partners devices and reported him to the police. She never stayed with him. A very brave lady for going public with her story.
I know I would not get the same reaction or empathy from strangers if I was public with my journey as I have stayed.
There are so many ladies on this forum on different journeys and I wonder what you ladies that have left think about us that have stayed?
I have spoken to people that have said they have no idea what they would do if they were in my situation and I appreciate them for being so honest.
Ladies that straight away were done, how did you make such a decision? I'm only curious.
It's funny, I asked the same question but the other way around. What makes some people stay? It's such an alien situation to find yourself in, I think you just have to do what feels right for you, no judgement, everyone's situation is different. For me I decided to walk away, but my child is grown up and can decide whether or not they want to maintain a relationship with their dad in the future. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if he's lying to me, it turns out he's very good at it. I want to travel, have fun, not be second guessing everything he does. In my heart I know I can't forgive him and I know myself well enough to realise that I don't want to be held back from living life to the fullest because of something he has done. I feel like I'm on borrowed time after a cancer diagnosis 10 years ago and I don't want to waste another minute of my life. Maybe I'm selfish, but do you know what, I think I've earned that right. Whatever you decide, at least you know here there is no judgement. We're all here through no fault of our own.
Post deleted by user
Hi, I don't know if it's relevant because I left immediately and after two years decided to try and rebuild our relationship. When I first joined the forum it seemed like most stayed and something that struck me was that it's hard whatever path we as partners choose.
Initially I wondered why some choose to stay. My thoughts were very black and white about why men offend and I wanted to run as far away as possible from someone who must have a sexual interest in children. I did a lot of soul searching and research when I decided to continue with my pregnancy. I couldn't deny my child the opportunity to know her father and I knew I wanted him to be the best person he could be for her. For them to have a relationship I needed to be satisfied that I could protect her from any kind of harm including emotional harm from if he ever reoffends as that would be the end of their relationship.
During my research which includes months of searching for and reading most of the recent studies around sex offenders, lff course and breaking the cycle I found a lot of information stating that support from family and friends is seen as a positive factor in deterring men from reoffending. In line with this I chose to support as a friend but also with the very clear boundaries of honesty, no pornography and if he reoffends me and our daughter will never see him again.
We continue to live separately and work on our relationship for the moment. Having walked both sides of staying and leaving I can confirm that both are difficult and recently seeing so many people who are going through this a second time is troubling me to be honest. He currently has police monitoring software and is 4 and a half years clean of watching pornography. When his order finishes in just over a year we plan to install monitoring software that alerts me if he searches anything that would be concerning. This will be the case even if we aren't together if he wishes to have contact with our daughter. I have commented in the past, in my early days on here that I wouldn't feel comfortable with asking him to put the apps on and how I don't check his phone as it felt wrong but for me now it adds a level of security for all of us that we need to reduce that addiction taking over and destroying our lives.
Whether anyone chooses to stay or to leave I'd say the most important thing is to educate yourself and those around you on how these men end up here and use this education to bring these crimes out into the open. If we as a society were able to have rational conversations about porn, sex addiction and sexual abuse in all forms then we bring it from the shadows and allow both victims and perpetrators /potential perpetrators access to the support they need. Those with children with/around offenders remain watchful and question anything that feels wrong is the best professional advice I've received in this journey xxx
Initially I wondered why some choose to stay. My thoughts were very black and white about why men offend and I wanted to run as far away as possible from someone who must have a sexual interest in children. I did a lot of soul searching and research when I decided to continue with my pregnancy. I couldn't deny my child the opportunity to know her father and I knew I wanted him to be the best person he could be for her. For them to have a relationship I needed to be satisfied that I could protect her from any kind of harm including emotional harm from if he ever reoffends as that would be the end of their relationship.
During my research which includes months of searching for and reading most of the recent studies around sex offenders, lff course and breaking the cycle I found a lot of information stating that support from family and friends is seen as a positive factor in deterring men from reoffending. In line with this I chose to support as a friend but also with the very clear boundaries of honesty, no pornography and if he reoffends me and our daughter will never see him again.
We continue to live separately and work on our relationship for the moment. Having walked both sides of staying and leaving I can confirm that both are difficult and recently seeing so many people who are going through this a second time is troubling me to be honest. He currently has police monitoring software and is 4 and a half years clean of watching pornography. When his order finishes in just over a year we plan to install monitoring software that alerts me if he searches anything that would be concerning. This will be the case even if we aren't together if he wishes to have contact with our daughter. I have commented in the past, in my early days on here that I wouldn't feel comfortable with asking him to put the apps on and how I don't check his phone as it felt wrong but for me now it adds a level of security for all of us that we need to reduce that addiction taking over and destroying our lives.
Whether anyone chooses to stay or to leave I'd say the most important thing is to educate yourself and those around you on how these men end up here and use this education to bring these crimes out into the open. If we as a society were able to have rational conversations about porn, sex addiction and sexual abuse in all forms then we bring it from the shadows and allow both victims and perpetrators /potential perpetrators access to the support they need. Those with children with/around offenders remain watchful and question anything that feels wrong is the best professional advice I've received in this journey xxx
I am standing by my OH because he's a good man - funny, intelligent, thoughtful and loves me like nothing else. He makes me happier than I've ever been in my life and for me and my life journey, that's worth fighting for. He's had a tough life and he's made a big mistake, but he consistently shown remorse and a willingness to rehabilitate and understand what lead him to this moment.
My experience has also been influenced by the level of the offence - so one chat with adult decoy and 9 images in his cache, so still alarming and confusing yes for anyone who's not entered our world, but having heard others stories on here I know offences come so much worse.
Like many others here I've spent hours reading articles and informing myself of internet offending and this has helped shape my understanding of the why. I don't deal in black and white, because life is far too gray and not everything has a definitive explanation - even though as humans we seek that black/white to help us make sense of the world and feel secure in it.
He's been honest and I've had full disclosure from day one. He consistently respects my boundaries and is constant in his love and respect for me. He has told me at so many junctures that I should just walk away if things get too hard, but I don't want to live a life without him in it. So here I am, stumbling through the thorny bushes of the club no one wants to be in, living in hope and praying that we find our way out the other side intact! Battered and bruised for sure, but stronger together - that's my hope xxx
My experience has also been influenced by the level of the offence - so one chat with adult decoy and 9 images in his cache, so still alarming and confusing yes for anyone who's not entered our world, but having heard others stories on here I know offences come so much worse.
Like many others here I've spent hours reading articles and informing myself of internet offending and this has helped shape my understanding of the why. I don't deal in black and white, because life is far too gray and not everything has a definitive explanation - even though as humans we seek that black/white to help us make sense of the world and feel secure in it.
He's been honest and I've had full disclosure from day one. He consistently respects my boundaries and is constant in his love and respect for me. He has told me at so many junctures that I should just walk away if things get too hard, but I don't want to live a life without him in it. So here I am, stumbling through the thorny bushes of the club no one wants to be in, living in hope and praying that we find our way out the other side intact! Battered and bruised for sure, but stronger together - that's my hope xxx
Post deleted by user
Losing it,
my partners offence was a communication offence rather than images. In terms of making peace with it, I don't think I ever will. Abuse is abuse, that is still pretty black and white for me. Something that for me would have meant he would not have had contact with our daughter would be if he had mentioned my other children or any other children we know in any kind of communication with a stranger. I suppose that crosses a line for me into the realms of being a threat to children in person xx
my partners offence was a communication offence rather than images. In terms of making peace with it, I don't think I ever will. Abuse is abuse, that is still pretty black and white for me. Something that for me would have meant he would not have had contact with our daughter would be if he had mentioned my other children or any other children we know in any kind of communication with a stranger. I suppose that crosses a line for me into the realms of being a threat to children in person xx
I have sole-searched many times over the years, many would not give my son the time of day after what he did. But I've stood by him alone.
im no soppy mum but fact it happened during a bad time in our lives and he was in a terribly sad state mentally and made life/changing bad decisions. He is not an evil man.
i think everyone deserves a chance and im so proud of how he truthfully admitted what he'd done and served/serving his punishment continually doing his best to move forward.
Personally I don't care what others think, I made my decision years ago - have no regrets, sleep peacefully at night (mostly). The future will take care of itself and I'll cope with that when it happens.
im no soppy mum but fact it happened during a bad time in our lives and he was in a terribly sad state mentally and made life/changing bad decisions. He is not an evil man.
i think everyone deserves a chance and im so proud of how he truthfully admitted what he'd done and served/serving his punishment continually doing his best to move forward.
Personally I don't care what others think, I made my decision years ago - have no regrets, sleep peacefully at night (mostly). The future will take care of itself and I'll cope with that when it happens.
When I joined the forum I felt like I was in the minority once I made the decision to leave.
There is no right or wrong answer in this rollercoaster. Those outside of our story make knee jerk statements but they have no idea what we go through.
My person had an affair before we had kids. I alwaysaud that would be the end of my marriage. But I stayed.
In hindsight maybe that was the first red flag.
I'm coming out the other side still not 200% sure if confident in what I'm doing - but life goes on.
There is no right or wrong answer in this rollercoaster. Those outside of our story make knee jerk statements but they have no idea what we go through.
My person had an affair before we had kids. I alwaysaud that would be the end of my marriage. But I stayed.
In hindsight maybe that was the first red flag.
I'm coming out the other side still not 200% sure if confident in what I'm doing - but life goes on.
Hello
ive decided to stay but i must admit (and although i do feel ashamed of myself to admit this) but before i experienced this hell of a journey, i did have strong opinions on those who offend in this type of offences and i always said to my OH if he did anything like that, that would be it!
But it happened. and i will never forget that day for as long as i will live. i am grateful it was undercover police so it didnt scare my children and no police cars etc so it wasnt obvious to the street as i had a couple nosy neighbours in that house where everything happened, i have thankfully moved house since although in the same town, different area so it was almost healing trauma a tiny bit!
Left to quickly get my children ready for school, ringing my mum on the way home telling her what had happened as i had noone to talk too and looking after a toddler.
He was only in the station 2 hours and he rang me, he couldnt come home until social services had come out and truthfully i didnt care, i was too much in shock.
Skipping until now, after a couple days after the knock and having time to breath, we sat down, we spoke, we cried, i shouted, i was in a very dark place previous to the knock and i finally was able to get out of system what all of it was doing to me, i wasnt sleeping or eating and could barely remember to drink as i was so focused on trying to remain strong for our children along with the shame of having social services in our lives which was always my fear and now 13 months on, we remain together, i have seen him continuously work on himself, i wont understand exactly why he did it but i do understand what got him there (alot of grief etc in our lives at the time) although he did say there is never ever a excuse or a reason that would ever condone anything like this and he hates himself for not talking and not using the support that he does have around him. Hes done courses, he took himself of social media, admitted everything before he got to the station and has taken steps to address what hes done and taken accountabilty . ive seen the remorse throughout and the longer it goes on, the more i see the pain and regret in his eyes and we cant wait for his sentencing next month so he can serve his punishment whatever it may be and try to rebuild a new form of life.
He sits and takes all comments from his ppu who have told him how do they know hes not done this before and not been caught (unfair in my opinion but he said he deserves it all) and the name calling he gets from our new SW (another story).
BUT i have warned him, he will never ever ever ever get another chance like this, that i wont be forgiving and that would be it, he wont see me or his children again and that isnt a warning, its a promise. He wont make me a fool and if it wasnt for the remorse and the willingness to correct everything and taking accountabilty , id of been out of here. But i do love him. With everything. Hes a good man, a absoloutley amazing dad even though we know SS our going to make it difficult until we can build trust and jump through the hoops, my children want daddy home and i do too!
am i more aware of things? yes!
Did it make my anxiety much more heighted? yes!
does it make me more paranoid of every knock, everybody that walks past the door etc? yes! i even bought a ring doorbell to ease any of my anxiety but i am giving him one more chance and if he blows that, more fool him
i do understand why people leave and why people stay. i guess theres no wrong or right answer whether to stay or leave. All i will say is its taught me to never ever ever judge anyones situation. i thanfully took myself of social media in fear of it being made public and thankfully it hasnt yet and im hoping it wont but in coming off social media, its taught me to not be fed peoples drama etc and i am more at peace with just being in my own little bubble.
its a difficult journey whether we stay or go! it throws us in so many directions with so many emotions and no matter what, on this jounery it teaches you have brave we really our, the inner strength that we never thought we had or ever would have to find and although im yet to discover it yet, that there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day life will return peaceful again, it wont be the same as it was before but we come at peace with our journey xxx
ive decided to stay but i must admit (and although i do feel ashamed of myself to admit this) but before i experienced this hell of a journey, i did have strong opinions on those who offend in this type of offences and i always said to my OH if he did anything like that, that would be it!
But it happened. and i will never forget that day for as long as i will live. i am grateful it was undercover police so it didnt scare my children and no police cars etc so it wasnt obvious to the street as i had a couple nosy neighbours in that house where everything happened, i have thankfully moved house since although in the same town, different area so it was almost healing trauma a tiny bit!
Left to quickly get my children ready for school, ringing my mum on the way home telling her what had happened as i had noone to talk too and looking after a toddler.
He was only in the station 2 hours and he rang me, he couldnt come home until social services had come out and truthfully i didnt care, i was too much in shock.
Skipping until now, after a couple days after the knock and having time to breath, we sat down, we spoke, we cried, i shouted, i was in a very dark place previous to the knock and i finally was able to get out of system what all of it was doing to me, i wasnt sleeping or eating and could barely remember to drink as i was so focused on trying to remain strong for our children along with the shame of having social services in our lives which was always my fear and now 13 months on, we remain together, i have seen him continuously work on himself, i wont understand exactly why he did it but i do understand what got him there (alot of grief etc in our lives at the time) although he did say there is never ever a excuse or a reason that would ever condone anything like this and he hates himself for not talking and not using the support that he does have around him. Hes done courses, he took himself of social media, admitted everything before he got to the station and has taken steps to address what hes done and taken accountabilty . ive seen the remorse throughout and the longer it goes on, the more i see the pain and regret in his eyes and we cant wait for his sentencing next month so he can serve his punishment whatever it may be and try to rebuild a new form of life.
He sits and takes all comments from his ppu who have told him how do they know hes not done this before and not been caught (unfair in my opinion but he said he deserves it all) and the name calling he gets from our new SW (another story).
BUT i have warned him, he will never ever ever ever get another chance like this, that i wont be forgiving and that would be it, he wont see me or his children again and that isnt a warning, its a promise. He wont make me a fool and if it wasnt for the remorse and the willingness to correct everything and taking accountabilty , id of been out of here. But i do love him. With everything. Hes a good man, a absoloutley amazing dad even though we know SS our going to make it difficult until we can build trust and jump through the hoops, my children want daddy home and i do too!
am i more aware of things? yes!
Did it make my anxiety much more heighted? yes!
does it make me more paranoid of every knock, everybody that walks past the door etc? yes! i even bought a ring doorbell to ease any of my anxiety but i am giving him one more chance and if he blows that, more fool him
i do understand why people leave and why people stay. i guess theres no wrong or right answer whether to stay or leave. All i will say is its taught me to never ever ever judge anyones situation. i thanfully took myself of social media in fear of it being made public and thankfully it hasnt yet and im hoping it wont but in coming off social media, its taught me to not be fed peoples drama etc and i am more at peace with just being in my own little bubble.
its a difficult journey whether we stay or go! it throws us in so many directions with so many emotions and no matter what, on this jounery it teaches you have brave we really our, the inner strength that we never thought we had or ever would have to find and although im yet to discover it yet, that there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day life will return peaceful again, it wont be the same as it was before but we come at peace with our journey xxx
I was in denial for about a month but when he told me (been in each others lives for 30 years, married for 17, 4 children), that he'd been attracted to children since the age of 12, I knew I could never share a bed with him ever again or a life. He's robbed me of 30 years in my eyes. My marriage was a lie. Also, there are no guarantees as to whether they will offend again. And he did. I can't have that hanging over me. We are still on each other's lives but that's mainly because I don't have much choice but we are divorced.
It was 20 years between the offences for my husband. I trusted he's a loving husband and devoted dad. I was a fool. My children suffer because I stayed with him after his original offence came to light 7 years ago. Now I think I never knew the real him. And yet again I'm going through hell and back, except this time it feels even worse.
mumoftwo. Same here. X
LittleRobin I'm so very sorry. Nobody deserves this. Look after yourself. X