how do I get through this and how do I get more information.
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Had a knock this morning and it really was u expected.
2 years ago police attended my home to talk with my then 13 year old about an indecent image they knew was sent to his phone. He was very scared but did tell them an exact time (6months earlier) the platform it was on and everything he remembered. police didn't confiscate any devices and we heard nothing.
This knock was for my partner of 11 years, they did take his phone and laptop. They were searching his phone at my address and when they saw contact between him and a certain individual they arrested him and took him for questioning. Although at that point I felt I was reading between the lines in my mind I thought he must be having conversations with someone underage. I was warned it very likely he would not be bailed to our home because my son is 16 so still a minor. I had his daughter contact me upset because the police had called her to explain he could have no contact with his grandchildren, wanting to know what was going on.
A few hours later the lady policewoman called me and explained they were in fact investigating indecent images, that an initial search of his phone where links sent by the person they must have been talking about seemed to be what they refer to as regular pornography(I'm very aware he accesses porn) but they had to send these devices off for forensic searching.
she told me without me asking that she saw no risk to my child but that only social services could decide that and advised me to call them and find out if they could do a risk assesment and said his daughter should do the same. Of course i nievely called them, at first they said I should never have been asked to call them and it's up to them to put these things in place but later on someone else called, they said it was clear to them that the bail to his parents address was for a good reason and without much more detail from the police they'd not be even supporting me.
The situation is a lot more tricky, I'm heavily pregnant so regardless of what is seen as safe for my son at 16, no baby can advocate for themselves. I've explained to my partner that regardless I'll do what's best for the children and that's not me believing the accusations, who can ever really know a person, I bet we've all seen these things on TV.
so I've dug into with him why noones else's devices were taken, why they didn't remove a storage device(they unplugged it from his laptop and left it here). why they were so set on leaving the second they found this contact in his phone. He then admits to having sexual conversations with another woman and that she had shared links to porn. I 100% wish all I was dealing with was an unfaithful partner, I've survived that before.
it's quite a complicated pregnancy already, I've struggled the last month because of issues coming to light during some routine monitoring.
I've got good support specifically from a friend, my family I struggle to get support from but none of these people would I feel comfortable telling any of this too. my adult daughter and son is the only who knows. I've not mentioned the obvious unfaithfulness because my daughter will be devastated at that, she saw me struggle through that with her own father and it totally turned me into a shell.
Surely they don't just come arresting people with absolutely no evidence other than someone they've had contact with. There was mention of someone else being investigated and over the last few days my partner being implicated but I honestly could have misheard I was in a state of shock. They must have good understanding of the device used for them to not feel they need tk take all devices(my son and daughter have laptops, pc, I pad phones, I have a phone) they did search around and asked if he had any other phones to my knowledge, they spoke about wether it was necessary to take or examine our router but said no.
I'm so sorry this is long, I'm so.confused and worried.
2 years ago police attended my home to talk with my then 13 year old about an indecent image they knew was sent to his phone. He was very scared but did tell them an exact time (6months earlier) the platform it was on and everything he remembered. police didn't confiscate any devices and we heard nothing.
This knock was for my partner of 11 years, they did take his phone and laptop. They were searching his phone at my address and when they saw contact between him and a certain individual they arrested him and took him for questioning. Although at that point I felt I was reading between the lines in my mind I thought he must be having conversations with someone underage. I was warned it very likely he would not be bailed to our home because my son is 16 so still a minor. I had his daughter contact me upset because the police had called her to explain he could have no contact with his grandchildren, wanting to know what was going on.
A few hours later the lady policewoman called me and explained they were in fact investigating indecent images, that an initial search of his phone where links sent by the person they must have been talking about seemed to be what they refer to as regular pornography(I'm very aware he accesses porn) but they had to send these devices off for forensic searching.
she told me without me asking that she saw no risk to my child but that only social services could decide that and advised me to call them and find out if they could do a risk assesment and said his daughter should do the same. Of course i nievely called them, at first they said I should never have been asked to call them and it's up to them to put these things in place but later on someone else called, they said it was clear to them that the bail to his parents address was for a good reason and without much more detail from the police they'd not be even supporting me.
The situation is a lot more tricky, I'm heavily pregnant so regardless of what is seen as safe for my son at 16, no baby can advocate for themselves. I've explained to my partner that regardless I'll do what's best for the children and that's not me believing the accusations, who can ever really know a person, I bet we've all seen these things on TV.
so I've dug into with him why noones else's devices were taken, why they didn't remove a storage device(they unplugged it from his laptop and left it here). why they were so set on leaving the second they found this contact in his phone. He then admits to having sexual conversations with another woman and that she had shared links to porn. I 100% wish all I was dealing with was an unfaithful partner, I've survived that before.
it's quite a complicated pregnancy already, I've struggled the last month because of issues coming to light during some routine monitoring.
I've got good support specifically from a friend, my family I struggle to get support from but none of these people would I feel comfortable telling any of this too. my adult daughter and son is the only who knows. I've not mentioned the obvious unfaithfulness because my daughter will be devastated at that, she saw me struggle through that with her own father and it totally turned me into a shell.
Surely they don't just come arresting people with absolutely no evidence other than someone they've had contact with. There was mention of someone else being investigated and over the last few days my partner being implicated but I honestly could have misheard I was in a state of shock. They must have good understanding of the device used for them to not feel they need tk take all devices(my son and daughter have laptops, pc, I pad phones, I have a phone) they did search around and asked if he had any other phones to my knowledge, they spoke about wether it was necessary to take or examine our router but said no.
I'm so sorry this is long, I'm so.confused and worried.
Hello
i am so incredibly sorry you have found yourself here and on this journey.
i am really glad that you have support around you and im so glad you have found this forum.
Here is a safe place to ask those questions, get advice and support from people on here in so many different stages and situations but all relatable at the same time.
i will admit i am not sure on the police side of things but i when i received the knock for my OH last year, i did ask the lovely lady who sat with me who told me what they were there for whilst 2 undercover spoke to him in the kitchen (my children were upstairs getting ready for school) that is it possible that it could of been someone who used his details aka name etc as a set up which i know was likely a form of shock and she told me she was really sure that it was him as they go of ip addresses and have ways to track etc.
His was for a half an hour chat over 2 days (15/20 minutes on a morning) on snapchat with a police decoy. Hes got charged for that and 1x b and 2xc images.
My OH did admit to it soon as they asked him in the kitchen BUT i have also read sometimes police do NFA should not enough evidence come out of it their investagtion (although that also dont mean that they didnt do it) but it is more often than not they do find something that cps can charge.
Its really early days and please keep reaching out to your support, whether that is here or with your famliy, Please take care of yourself espeically being pregnant and my inbox is always open for you if you wanted to chat xx
i am so incredibly sorry you have found yourself here and on this journey.
i am really glad that you have support around you and im so glad you have found this forum.
Here is a safe place to ask those questions, get advice and support from people on here in so many different stages and situations but all relatable at the same time.
i will admit i am not sure on the police side of things but i when i received the knock for my OH last year, i did ask the lovely lady who sat with me who told me what they were there for whilst 2 undercover spoke to him in the kitchen (my children were upstairs getting ready for school) that is it possible that it could of been someone who used his details aka name etc as a set up which i know was likely a form of shock and she told me she was really sure that it was him as they go of ip addresses and have ways to track etc.
His was for a half an hour chat over 2 days (15/20 minutes on a morning) on snapchat with a police decoy. Hes got charged for that and 1x b and 2xc images.
My OH did admit to it soon as they asked him in the kitchen BUT i have also read sometimes police do NFA should not enough evidence come out of it their investagtion (although that also dont mean that they didnt do it) but it is more often than not they do find something that cps can charge.
Its really early days and please keep reaching out to your support, whether that is here or with your famliy, Please take care of yourself espeically being pregnant and my inbox is always open for you if you wanted to chat xx
Thankyou so much for your reply, today's been horrific to say the least. My pregnancy has some complications so I have very long weekly appointments. we are hoping to just get through another few weeks but I've lost my rock.
I'm facing the propect that other than my adult childrenand son and my partners family I'm going to have to say he's been unfaithful to everyone I'm close too. I know I need support but I really don't trust easily that people won't go on a witch hunt.
Manged to speak with social services and that was absolutely awful. I explained about my appointment, lady called when I was en-route which ended with me hyperventilating and sobbing, explained I couldn't speak. continued calling over and over while I was trying to speak with my Dr. I called her back once I was home and a little more composed and all I can gather is they don't want me having any contact with him or she thought I was the named person in the bail conditions that he isn't allowed contact with. Turns out to a big extent he was being unfaithful, having conversations of a sexual nature with a lady who either has sent him links or he has sent her and it seems likely they have both been arrested. ss lady said they would stick with his bail conditions and couldn't take my son being 16 into consideration(police seemed sure he was of no risk to him or me) then thought it was a good time to.ask about wether I'd be willing to supervise contact once the babys born(that just baffled me) went on to ask who my birth partner will be because they won't allow it to be him and said under no circumstances was he to attend appointments with me. it felt like I was the accused and just left me a state.
He's now adamant that we need to cut contact because he's risking our baby being taken. I see the point but I was already struggling before this. I know realistically we don't have time to clarify anything with it being xmas. ss say I can't have an any assesment till the new year as everyone's on holiday.
What information do ss actually get, would police be withholding information from me but telling ss? I know how serious any allegation of this sort is but the police honestly made me feel like I shouldn't feel he's a risk to me, my baby or my son. right now the hardest part for me is he's broken my trust by being unfaithful. also ss said I don't need to worry they're not at a stage where they want to take my baby, why would that even need to be said? I will comply with whatever they say but telling me he's breaching his bale having contact with me was untrue, if she had just said outright they don't want me having contact I would just agree. I just felt so judged.
I'm facing the propect that other than my adult childrenand son and my partners family I'm going to have to say he's been unfaithful to everyone I'm close too. I know I need support but I really don't trust easily that people won't go on a witch hunt.
Manged to speak with social services and that was absolutely awful. I explained about my appointment, lady called when I was en-route which ended with me hyperventilating and sobbing, explained I couldn't speak. continued calling over and over while I was trying to speak with my Dr. I called her back once I was home and a little more composed and all I can gather is they don't want me having any contact with him or she thought I was the named person in the bail conditions that he isn't allowed contact with. Turns out to a big extent he was being unfaithful, having conversations of a sexual nature with a lady who either has sent him links or he has sent her and it seems likely they have both been arrested. ss lady said they would stick with his bail conditions and couldn't take my son being 16 into consideration(police seemed sure he was of no risk to him or me) then thought it was a good time to.ask about wether I'd be willing to supervise contact once the babys born(that just baffled me) went on to ask who my birth partner will be because they won't allow it to be him and said under no circumstances was he to attend appointments with me. it felt like I was the accused and just left me a state.
He's now adamant that we need to cut contact because he's risking our baby being taken. I see the point but I was already struggling before this. I know realistically we don't have time to clarify anything with it being xmas. ss say I can't have an any assesment till the new year as everyone's on holiday.
What information do ss actually get, would police be withholding information from me but telling ss? I know how serious any allegation of this sort is but the police honestly made me feel like I shouldn't feel he's a risk to me, my baby or my son. right now the hardest part for me is he's broken my trust by being unfaithful. also ss said I don't need to worry they're not at a stage where they want to take my baby, why would that even need to be said? I will comply with whatever they say but telling me he's breaching his bale having contact with me was untrue, if she had just said outright they don't want me having contact I would just agree. I just felt so judged.
Hi, unfortunately you are in the dark with what your person has or hasn't done. The Police will tell SS's everything they know. SS's put pressure on to persuade us to cut all ties and they'll say anything to try to achieve this, basically because it makes their lives easier. What usually happens is the person is either remanded in custody or bailed pending further investigation but they're not usually allowed back home if there are children there. The Police will look through the device and depending on what they find, they could send the device off for an intense search. I can't stress this enough but this takes ages, months and months and months. You might be in this for the long haul. If SS's determine your person is a risk and you decide you want him in your life, you'll need to play their game. You'll need to prove that you have a written plan that's discussed with them that will ensure your children's safety. Nothing else will matter. I can't imagine what you're going through being pregnant with all this going on. You can ring the helpline if you need support or further information. They are very knowledgeable and absolutely on our side. I really really hope things settle and this has all been some sort of misunderstanding. Xx
I'm just feeling so lost, how could he put me through all this and why on earth am I worried about him while I'm sat here feeling like I'm actually dying.
at first I was quite understanding that with Xmas ss wouldn't be in a hurry to come talk to me and explain more. they asked me to ask his daughter to get in touch and when she did she promised her she would talk with her manager Monday and see if thy can have a plan so they can all see him xmas day(grandchildren)
in the mean time I am left to deal with more scans, explaining all this to the midwives and with absolutely noone for support. My children know(2 adults at home) I just want to stop thinking and crying. I'm trying to distance a bit from him because the more questions he answers the more questions I have and ultimately I don't know if I trust him to be honest.
if I can compose myself a bit better by Monday j think I'll try the helpline. Can't see it being a good day to be honest, need to arrange a sick note, already off work with illness so self certifying isn't an option. Have another scan and will need to have a chat with someone to explain all this, at least to see if there is any support available to me. I'm also expecting ss to call with a date for the new year for a meeting. Then to just get through xmas.
at first I was quite understanding that with Xmas ss wouldn't be in a hurry to come talk to me and explain more. they asked me to ask his daughter to get in touch and when she did she promised her she would talk with her manager Monday and see if thy can have a plan so they can all see him xmas day(grandchildren)
in the mean time I am left to deal with more scans, explaining all this to the midwives and with absolutely noone for support. My children know(2 adults at home) I just want to stop thinking and crying. I'm trying to distance a bit from him because the more questions he answers the more questions I have and ultimately I don't know if I trust him to be honest.
if I can compose myself a bit better by Monday j think I'll try the helpline. Can't see it being a good day to be honest, need to arrange a sick note, already off work with illness so self certifying isn't an option. Have another scan and will need to have a chat with someone to explain all this, at least to see if there is any support available to me. I'm also expecting ss to call with a date for the new year for a meeting. Then to just get through xmas.
Hi,
just wanted to let you know that my inbox is always available. I was pregnant at the knock too. The police generally don't pass on all the information to ss and it does seem like there is some confusion around bail conditions in your case. If you have a copy of the bail conditions it may be worth asking for an email address to send them to for sw to have in writing xxx
just wanted to let you know that my inbox is always available. I was pregnant at the knock too. The police generally don't pass on all the information to ss and it does seem like there is some confusion around bail conditions in your case. If you have a copy of the bail conditions it may be worth asking for an email address to send them to for sw to have in writing xxx
Get as much help as you can. Talk to your Dr, tell them what's happened. They might be able to support you in some way but honestly, the helpline here is the place to get someone who understands. This situation can be so isolating due To the very nature of it. Keep talking here. We're here to hold your hand. Xx
I'm sorry you're in this situation. You're still in shock, so not much makes sense. There are a few things I can shed a bit of light on, though.
The police won't tell you much. Data protection and all that rubbish. Social workers can be helpful, but very often people have dreadful experiences.
Prepare for a long haul - this type of cases are a marathon not a sprint and literally can take years.
You can check online what kind of backlog each county deals with, regarding processing devices. Police only returns devices that had no incriminating material on them. Everything else is destroyed. The process takes around a year.
The hard truth is, unless you're prepared to sit in court, you will not know the truth what your partner has done. The court appearance is the only place you will hear it all. And it is not nice at all. In our crown court there's a number of people who go to see the hearings /sentencing every day and just laugh at people's misery.
Social services told you they won't take your child to reassure you. It's what they are always asked first, so they try to put your mind at rest. As long as you can prove your child wellbeing and safety is your priority - there is no chance they will try to separate you from your children. I'm sorry they were blunt about this and worried you.
Depending on the crime committed, he might be remanded in custody, charged or bailed pending investigation. If bailed, he might be told he cannot live with you, or that he can, but cannot have unsupervised contact with children, so he can't be in one room on his own with a child. This includes nighttime. Any solicitor can apply to CPS to lift restrictions they deemed too severe.
Long time ago, after our first knock, my OH had bail with no unsupervised contact to start with. This was lifted as soon as it went to court.
From my personal experience - I wish I cut ties the first time round. I was scared to be alone, loved him dearly and just convinced myself it was all a huge misunderstanding. Believe me, if your partner is anything like mine, he's a fantastic lier and manipulative narcissist who will lie to your face. My husband fooled everyone. Even the probation officers.
We had another knock three weeks ago.
Do not trust anything he tells you and most importantly - don't make any decisions with him in mind. Please please put yourself and your children first. I wish I did.
The police won't tell you much. Data protection and all that rubbish. Social workers can be helpful, but very often people have dreadful experiences.
Prepare for a long haul - this type of cases are a marathon not a sprint and literally can take years.
You can check online what kind of backlog each county deals with, regarding processing devices. Police only returns devices that had no incriminating material on them. Everything else is destroyed. The process takes around a year.
The hard truth is, unless you're prepared to sit in court, you will not know the truth what your partner has done. The court appearance is the only place you will hear it all. And it is not nice at all. In our crown court there's a number of people who go to see the hearings /sentencing every day and just laugh at people's misery.
Social services told you they won't take your child to reassure you. It's what they are always asked first, so they try to put your mind at rest. As long as you can prove your child wellbeing and safety is your priority - there is no chance they will try to separate you from your children. I'm sorry they were blunt about this and worried you.
Depending on the crime committed, he might be remanded in custody, charged or bailed pending investigation. If bailed, he might be told he cannot live with you, or that he can, but cannot have unsupervised contact with children, so he can't be in one room on his own with a child. This includes nighttime. Any solicitor can apply to CPS to lift restrictions they deemed too severe.
Long time ago, after our first knock, my OH had bail with no unsupervised contact to start with. This was lifted as soon as it went to court.
From my personal experience - I wish I cut ties the first time round. I was scared to be alone, loved him dearly and just convinced myself it was all a huge misunderstanding. Believe me, if your partner is anything like mine, he's a fantastic lier and manipulative narcissist who will lie to your face. My husband fooled everyone. Even the probation officers.
We had another knock three weeks ago.
Do not trust anything he tells you and most importantly - don't make any decisions with him in mind. Please please put yourself and your children first. I wish I did.