I'm in a really crap situation (like most of you) I found out through the RTK scheme that my husband of two years (partner for five) was on the SOR. He was facing charges a year before we got together. He hid this all from me. He was cautioned for sending a picture of both his face and genitals to a 14yr old on kik. He was put on the register for two years and is now off. He was removed from it six months before we got married. We now have a baby boy (16months).
He firmly denies it and some of my family are struggling with the fact he didn't fight it out in court to clear his name even though the evidence says otherwise.
He's told me the whole story about it. I've read all the paperwork he has on it. I've read his psych evaluation and I know it nearly killed him.
I've known him fifteen years, I know what he watches, I know what he sends.
I believe what he's telling me, I am going to stand by him. Ok, we have an issue because he never told me and I obviously found out the hard way, but that's my issue.
My two problems are, how do I politely tell someone that it's my issue to trust my husband in our relationship and not theirs. Also the only people who knew about this was close family. I know someone has run their mouth and told a few very close friends (who we would call family). The person that has done this, knows me and my partner well. They have had five years to tell me but they've decided rather than to approach me personally, they've done it to cause maximum damage and destroy my partner.
I firmly do not feel, in my hearts of hearts that I am any risk from my husband nor my child or any of my family.
I am now worried sick, I'm going to lose my partner from him doing something silly in a moment of madness. He's promised me he won't as what's going on now, isn't a patch on what happened when this started.
I am in no mood to celebrate Christmas, it's been six days. I've finally got through one without crying!
How do you all cope? My life has literally been turned upside down.
He firmly denies it and some of my family are struggling with the fact he didn't fight it out in court to clear his name even though the evidence says otherwise.
He's told me the whole story about it. I've read all the paperwork he has on it. I've read his psych evaluation and I know it nearly killed him.
I've known him fifteen years, I know what he watches, I know what he sends.
I believe what he's telling me, I am going to stand by him. Ok, we have an issue because he never told me and I obviously found out the hard way, but that's my issue.
My two problems are, how do I politely tell someone that it's my issue to trust my husband in our relationship and not theirs. Also the only people who knew about this was close family. I know someone has run their mouth and told a few very close friends (who we would call family). The person that has done this, knows me and my partner well. They have had five years to tell me but they've decided rather than to approach me personally, they've done it to cause maximum damage and destroy my partner.
I firmly do not feel, in my hearts of hearts that I am any risk from my husband nor my child or any of my family.
I am now worried sick, I'm going to lose my partner from him doing something silly in a moment of madness. He's promised me he won't as what's going on now, isn't a patch on what happened when this started.
I am in no mood to celebrate Christmas, it's been six days. I've finally got through one without crying!
How do you all cope? My life has literally been turned upside down.
I can't imagine how hard it is for you to have found out like that. Only you can make rbe decision to stay with your partner or not don't let anyone else influence your decision.
What I will say though in regards to him doing something silly, I completely understand that feeling. We're 2 years into our journey and some days are worse than others. All you can do is be there for him and trust that he won't.
And as for making it out, I'm not sure we ever do to be honest haha. We just find a new normal and keep going. Talking to others who understand helps. Otjer than that, you just wing it. Take it one day at a time and hope to one day find a new normal. A new kind of happy. Fake it until you make it so they say
What I will say though in regards to him doing something silly, I completely understand that feeling. We're 2 years into our journey and some days are worse than others. All you can do is be there for him and trust that he won't.
And as for making it out, I'm not sure we ever do to be honest haha. We just find a new normal and keep going. Talking to others who understand helps. Otjer than that, you just wing it. Take it one day at a time and hope to one day find a new normal. A new kind of happy. Fake it until you make it so they say
If he was on the register for just 2 years, it sounds like he got a conditional caution from the police. In which case, the evidence they had against him was likely limited and/or what he said in the chat was not as bad as some (not inciting etc). It's obviously not great and he should have been honest with you but if the police thought he was a genuine risk to children they and the CPS would have pushed for prosecution if they had all evidence. Only you two can define your relationship from here. It's all well and good for people to say it should go to court if not guilty but that risks public shaming even if found innocent in the end. All solicitors would advise taking the caution.
Sorry to hear about your situation, I found out the same thing at the start of the month, my partner was on SOR for the first 7 years of our relationship and has hidden it from me for 15 years.
The news is massive and it's rubbish however you find out about it but I'd have rather heard it from his mouth than from the police. Equally I can completely understand the reasons he has never told me, the shame and stigma of having that sort of conviction I mean how on earth do you start that conversation with someone youve only just met. I've even admitted that I'd probably have done the same thing if it was me in his place.
I think the main thing to remember is there no right or wrong way to be feeling about this and as others have said only you can decide what's best for you.
The news is massive and it's rubbish however you find out about it but I'd have rather heard it from his mouth than from the police. Equally I can completely understand the reasons he has never told me, the shame and stigma of having that sort of conviction I mean how on earth do you start that conversation with someone youve only just met. I've even admitted that I'd probably have done the same thing if it was me in his place.
I think the main thing to remember is there no right or wrong way to be feeling about this and as others have said only you can decide what's best for you.
26a20, that's incredible. Did he not get home visits in that time?
LosingIt - both of us were living with our parents for quite a while for monetary reasons (well that was my reason, his reason is now apparent) we would spend time at each other's house. We didn't move in together until a year after he came off SOR which makes sense now. From what I understand a home visit was done on one occasion whilst I was there but he made the excuse that his parents had guests over so the meeting was done in ho POs car.
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26a20 - wow that's a long time. I hope you're doing as well as you can with it all ????????
LosingIt - The ins and outs don't seem to matter unfortunately. Are you doing ok yourself? ????
I get why he hid it. Ok, he never lied about it but it's a very grey area with a very fine line. He said the topic never came up...well that it wouldn't. He knows I'm frustrated because I've always supported him, this isn't our first hurdle (they normally come from his family) I'm upset he never trusted me and people don't understand that.
I mean he's that much of a risk, he went under the radar when I was pregnant. We also had SS call us because our little guy fell off his changing table and hit his head which ended up in an A&E visit and they never flagged anything either.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm sure I can wing it, as for a new normal, I guess it's just going to take time.
LosingIt - The ins and outs don't seem to matter unfortunately. Are you doing ok yourself? ????
I get why he hid it. Ok, he never lied about it but it's a very grey area with a very fine line. He said the topic never came up...well that it wouldn't. He knows I'm frustrated because I've always supported him, this isn't our first hurdle (they normally come from his family) I'm upset he never trusted me and people don't understand that.
I mean he's that much of a risk, he went under the radar when I was pregnant. We also had SS call us because our little guy fell off his changing table and hit his head which ended up in an A&E visit and they never flagged anything either.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm sure I can wing it, as for a new normal, I guess it's just going to take time.
MrsF- I'm doing as good as I can given everything thats going on. Like you my biggest issue is the fact that he felt he couldn't tell me about this and had to keep it from me. I'm more upset about that than i am about the previous conviction, prison time and SOR, the way I see that is he's made a mistake and been punished for it it's not my place to continue punishing him for it.
Like your OH he made the point that he never actually lied about it and that's true but he doesn't seem to get that deliberately keeping me in the dark about such a significance part of his life is just as bad. I get he would rather forget it happened and move on with life but unfortunately life doesn't work like that. I doubt he thought after 20 years this would all be suddenly being brought up again
Like your OH he made the point that he never actually lied about it and that's true but he doesn't seem to get that deliberately keeping me in the dark about such a significance part of his life is just as bad. I get he would rather forget it happened and move on with life but unfortunately life doesn't work like that. I doubt he thought after 20 years this would all be suddenly being brought up again
26a20
My OH said the same, I get it's nothing to shout about and he honestly thought he would take it to the grave. It really is the fact of being told by him rather than getting that phonecall.
My OH said the same, I get it's nothing to shout about and he honestly thought he would take it to the grave. It really is the fact of being told by him rather than getting that phonecall.
Completely get what you mean, I would much rather of heard it from my OH no matter how difficult a conversation it would have been for both of us, in my case I had to find out from my sister after the police went to speak to her. Police wouldn't tell me a thing but we're happy to divulge pretty much all of it to my sister.
That's awful, you probably only heard the really crappy bits too. I'm sorry you had to find out that way :(
I literally got told a two/three sentence paragraph. He definitely told me more than what they did. They then called my sister's as they have children. They now seem him a risk to have around. They need to protect their children at all costs, I wholeheartedly agree, but they never had any concerns before. I'm am lucky as although they don't want him around their children, they know I'm staying with him and won't make me choose...for now
I literally got told a two/three sentence paragraph. He definitely told me more than what they did. They then called my sister's as they have children. They now seem him a risk to have around. They need to protect their children at all costs, I wholeheartedly agree, but they never had any concerns before. I'm am lucky as although they don't want him around their children, they know I'm staying with him and won't make me choose...for now