Calling it a day?
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Just need a release, where else do we go to scream these things?
After the knock - 9 months ago today - I told my husband i'd stand by him. And that, once this was all over, we'd work through the other things that had gone wrong in our relationship and start building things again. I helped him through two suicide attempts. Took him to a lawyer. Got him to see a counsellor. Made sure he saw a doctor to get his depression helped. We're living like to two separate people lodging together and the thought of moving out and getting my own space is becoming increasingly tempting. I still want to stand by him but i can't stand being 'friends' much longer. We last went out together maybe a month (or more) ago, and that was just for a quick coffee on a sunday afternoon. There's nothing physical beyond the odd cuddle (and a kiss if he's feeling particuarly emotional). My family know about whats gone on and ask after him (they've even bought xmas gifts!) but won't have contact with him - keeping at arms length. Which means i'm now splitting my time between them and him separately. I want to stick in a keep my word, at least until the return Knock and things get moving. But after that... i don't know any more. I'm honestly afraid if i do anything drastic any sooner than that the additional pressure will break him and i won't be around to help (neither will any of his family, or his friends who he has pretty well neglected). The worst thing is, i'll wake tomorrow feeling completely different and determined to stick here because i still do love him and enjoy his company (when he's around, and himself) But today is a bad day, and i don't know where to put myself because all i can think of is how he's feeling/coping and how bad i feel for thinking these things behind his back.
For those of you who are sticking by your man, how do you cope? are you closer, or further apart for it? how do you hold something together when everything is so much unknown?
After the knock - 9 months ago today - I told my husband i'd stand by him. And that, once this was all over, we'd work through the other things that had gone wrong in our relationship and start building things again. I helped him through two suicide attempts. Took him to a lawyer. Got him to see a counsellor. Made sure he saw a doctor to get his depression helped. We're living like to two separate people lodging together and the thought of moving out and getting my own space is becoming increasingly tempting. I still want to stand by him but i can't stand being 'friends' much longer. We last went out together maybe a month (or more) ago, and that was just for a quick coffee on a sunday afternoon. There's nothing physical beyond the odd cuddle (and a kiss if he's feeling particuarly emotional). My family know about whats gone on and ask after him (they've even bought xmas gifts!) but won't have contact with him - keeping at arms length. Which means i'm now splitting my time between them and him separately. I want to stick in a keep my word, at least until the return Knock and things get moving. But after that... i don't know any more. I'm honestly afraid if i do anything drastic any sooner than that the additional pressure will break him and i won't be around to help (neither will any of his family, or his friends who he has pretty well neglected). The worst thing is, i'll wake tomorrow feeling completely different and determined to stick here because i still do love him and enjoy his company (when he's around, and himself) But today is a bad day, and i don't know where to put myself because all i can think of is how he's feeling/coping and how bad i feel for thinking these things behind his back.
For those of you who are sticking by your man, how do you cope? are you closer, or further apart for it? how do you hold something together when everything is so much unknown?
*edit: i should also say, the counselling stopped after a few sessions because he didn't feel she was understanding enough and he told her - rather impolitely - that he wouldn't have any more. That was in September. Never got another one. Still looks at porn every night (i've checked his tablet history). I think i'm answering my own question here, but this is as good a place as any to offload, thank you all for your patience!!
Hi kls
We are almost 10 months post knock and are in the process of separating. But I totally understand the range of feelings you are going through. Whatever he has done you don't want any harm to come to the man you have loved for so long (and probably still do love but in a different way). Also it is in our nature to try and protect people, from themelves if necessary. But, I got to the point where I felt I was being held hostage to the feelings of everyone else involved. In an attempt to protect my husband and other family members I was living a totally miserable and stressful life. There comes a point when you need to look after yourself and there is a danger that in the end you are no good to anyone because of the anxiety you are experiencing. Just take your time. The ups and downs you are feeling is absolutely normal. One day at a time and look after yourself. Also accept that there is a limit to what you can do. Men have to take action themselves.
Take care
We are almost 10 months post knock and are in the process of separating. But I totally understand the range of feelings you are going through. Whatever he has done you don't want any harm to come to the man you have loved for so long (and probably still do love but in a different way). Also it is in our nature to try and protect people, from themelves if necessary. But, I got to the point where I felt I was being held hostage to the feelings of everyone else involved. In an attempt to protect my husband and other family members I was living a totally miserable and stressful life. There comes a point when you need to look after yourself and there is a danger that in the end you are no good to anyone because of the anxiety you are experiencing. Just take your time. The ups and downs you are feeling is absolutely normal. One day at a time and look after yourself. Also accept that there is a limit to what you can do. Men have to take action themselves.
Take care
Hi KLS
that sounds tough. Nobody can tell you what to do as only you have to live with the consequences. It does sound very much like you are answering your own question. It feels like (though I may be wrong) that you know what to do next, but it feels like such a big step to do alone. Hugs x
that sounds tough. Nobody can tell you what to do as only you have to live with the consequences. It does sound very much like you are answering your own question. It feels like (though I may be wrong) that you know what to do next, but it feels like such a big step to do alone. Hugs x
Hi kls
We are 15months post knock and still waiting for the charges and sentencing
I've stuck by my husband because he is/was remorseful and honest from the start. He has attempted suicide and I stop it just in time since then I've set both of us daily weekly and monthly goals to get through and have daily honest conversations. It's different for everyone and only you can decide what to do if you want to rant and your on Mumsnet then you can rant whenever you want.
We are 15months post knock and still waiting for the charges and sentencing
I've stuck by my husband because he is/was remorseful and honest from the start. He has attempted suicide and I stop it just in time since then I've set both of us daily weekly and monthly goals to get through and have daily honest conversations. It's different for everyone and only you can decide what to do if you want to rant and your on Mumsnet then you can rant whenever you want.
It really sounds like you are struggling right now. For me staying was based on a number of things, honesty about what had happened, a willingness to change, couselling for his depression / stress related issues, agreement to couples counselling and doing whatever to get our relationship back on track. In my husbands case, the depression was making some of those other things harder. He's since left work and got his anti depressant dose sorted which has definitely helped our relationship move forward. He's still on the waiting list for CBT, that probably won't come through until Feb. I still get days where I think 'why did you have to do this!!' however overall we are probably stronger than we were before.
Only you can tell if he's prepared to change and to put the effort in. Personally i'd be trying to get the depression under control first, as it's hard to change other things when you are severely depressed. If one counsellor didn't work, would he be open to going back to a different one? Would he be prepared to go to SLAA meetings?
Only you can tell if he's prepared to change and to put the effort in. Personally i'd be trying to get the depression under control first, as it's hard to change other things when you are severely depressed. If one counsellor didn't work, would he be open to going back to a different one? Would he be prepared to go to SLAA meetings?
Thank you all for your kind posts, it helps to rant and know other people understand. Obviously in the club we're in, it's not something I can discuss with many other people ! He said he was open to other counsellors but has made no effort to do anything about it. I found the first one, in my way of thinking, it's up to him now. The anti-depressants are helping, in the sense that he eats and sleeps better now, and isn't constantly in a state of high anxiety. I'm taking it a day at a time. It's not the sort of problem where we're arguing or tense all the time so it's a manageable place to be, and time will tell, we've still no idea where the case will go and that will have a huge impact too. I can't say how helpful this space is to share this stuff. x
I am staying with my husband because he has showed remorse. He has apologised to me and is reading a self help book aloud to me 10 min every night. He is waiting for private Councelling to start. We are 8 months since the knock and he is still waiting for the court to tell him what he will be charged with.
it is difficult to start again at our age (early 60) and we have a lot in common. In the beginning I wanted him out. But since I have see him change in front of my eyes I have changed to. He has taken full responsibility for his behaviour and is no longer using the computer much. He has promised never to look at any kind of born again and he no longer keep any computer or phone locked. We have a long way to go before we can be intimate again but a kiss and a hug is all I am happy to receive for now.
it is difficult to start again at our age (early 60) and we have a lot in common. In the beginning I wanted him out. But since I have see him change in front of my eyes I have changed to. He has taken full responsibility for his behaviour and is no longer using the computer much. He has promised never to look at any kind of born again and he no longer keep any computer or phone locked. We have a long way to go before we can be intimate again but a kiss and a hug is all I am happy to receive for now.
Almost 5 years on for me. It's been so slow yet super fast at the same time. I stayed with my husband. I will never condone his actions but I accept he has committed his offence. I had days where I thought I would leave but I love him. His crime does not define him as a person.
It has changed our relationship, it can be strained at times but we are more open with each other now. We went through years of counselling (relationship scotland)after his conviction. If he had attended prior our counsellor could have been used for the prosecution.
It isnt easy, would it be better without him? Nah.
It has changed our relationship, it can be strained at times but we are more open with each other now. We went through years of counselling (relationship scotland)after his conviction. If he had attended prior our counsellor could have been used for the prosecution.
It isnt easy, would it be better without him? Nah.