Christmas is bloody hard innit?
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Just that really :D
I've had some fizz and it's activated a lot of carefully managed irritation, plus my person's inability to fully own his shit. Still lots of 'woe is me'.
I've had some fizz and it's activated a lot of carefully managed irritation, plus my person's inability to fully own his shit. Still lots of 'woe is me'.
I'm feeling it with you today. On top of OH's situation, we also have family unwell and therefore unable to join us and other family members that have joined us but are very elderly and their health issues are scarring us.
I've got Christmas music on at the moment - I always do on Christmas Day - but I think I'm going to turn it off soon. It's making me feel quite sorry for my lot this year.
Plus I'm cooking a Christmas meal and I'm not sure anyone's going to eat it. Ho hum.
Hugs xx
I've got Christmas music on at the moment - I always do on Christmas Day - but I think I'm going to turn it off soon. It's making me feel quite sorry for my lot this year.
Plus I'm cooking a Christmas meal and I'm not sure anyone's going to eat it. Ho hum.
Hugs xx
Hey Runaway that sounds hard. Sending big hugs xx
Christmas music can be really poignant, even (or especially?) the upbeat stuff. I had to disappear a few times yesterday as it got too much. I think it's helped that my kids have been happy with a lowkey day, we played a funny game after lunch which had us all crying with laughter, but apart from that they've been quite self sufficient. I've had a big falling out with my person but it's parked for the day and we're parenting together.
Christmas music can be really poignant, even (or especially?) the upbeat stuff. I had to disappear a few times yesterday as it got too much. I think it's helped that my kids have been happy with a lowkey day, we played a funny game after lunch which had us all crying with laughter, but apart from that they've been quite self sufficient. I've had a big falling out with my person but it's parked for the day and we're parenting together.
100% agree this is really hard .... my OH I think has tried to sabatage Xmas again with the "poor me" and "my mental health" routine which given we are 18 months post the knock, I really srruggle with it.
Tonight I have shared with him how I feel that I gave away a part of me to make sure he was happy / able to manage his mental health pre the knock but instead he used that time to feed & escalate his porn addition. This was something that surprised him that I felt that way!
I also think his counsellor recommended by stop it now is not helping / making it worse! He has said that she thinks we will divorce as I can not support him or understand his needs as his love language is "words of affimation". On Xmas eve I was livid with that!!!! FFS you do not get words of affimation in this situation when you cook for our family or empty this dishwasher or pick up our child from school as that is just what is expected when you are a parent.
Combine this with no news from the police now for 18 months - I am just struggling with it all and just pretty angry yet to the outside everything one thinks I am am smiling.
I am also really really scared about the prospected of one day, some day SS coming back into our lives even though our case has now been closed for 12 months (well 12 months in Jan) :(
Tonight I have shared with him how I feel that I gave away a part of me to make sure he was happy / able to manage his mental health pre the knock but instead he used that time to feed & escalate his porn addition. This was something that surprised him that I felt that way!
I also think his counsellor recommended by stop it now is not helping / making it worse! He has said that she thinks we will divorce as I can not support him or understand his needs as his love language is "words of affimation". On Xmas eve I was livid with that!!!! FFS you do not get words of affimation in this situation when you cook for our family or empty this dishwasher or pick up our child from school as that is just what is expected when you are a parent.
Combine this with no news from the police now for 18 months - I am just struggling with it all and just pretty angry yet to the outside everything one thinks I am am smiling.
I am also really really scared about the prospected of one day, some day SS coming back into our lives even though our case has now been closed for 12 months (well 12 months in Jan) :(
I feel all of that xx
I'm having to remind myself that of course he's a self absorbed man lacking in tact and empathy, who is used to having allowances made for him- that's the way of the porn addict! Doesn't make it any less enraging, but reminds me I shouldn't be shocked by every non-apology, deflection of feelings, failure to get it etc. Like you I bent over backwards to give him plenty of time to decompress from work and fatherhood, while running myself ragged with work and motherhood, not realising what he was doing with all that alone time I was enabling, and unable to understand why he was becoming increasingly chaotic, unreliable, self centred, cruel etc in the 6-9 months leading up to the knock.
I can scroll back through messages to my friends from end of 2023 and see my increasing exasperation, growing to despair and fear, which led to me being signed off work for a month as I was becoming delusional and paranoid due to his appalling gaslighting behaviour.
it all makes sense now! The galling thing is that a couple of months ago I said the options are sexless marriage (companionship) with me, or separation, and he is taking his time to explore what he wants before he knows. The arrogance! We're only 6.5 months in and he's finally moved out thank god. I don't know what the future holds but I suspect the full evidence in black and white will make the decision for me. He was caught for communication with a decoy '13 year old girl' on Snapchat and has told me there were more, plus with a decades long porn addiction god knows what's on the hard drives, phones, old PCs etc the police seized.
He isn't allowed on school premises and there's no unsupervised contact with our daughters, and to be honest that feels entirely correct and appropriate! He is not a wise person who makes safe decisions. His wiring is profoundly f***ed, as evidenced by his words and actions when we're together, just complete lack of empathy, sense of personal space, etc, and god knows whether he'll ever see the world in an appropriate way.
Our eldest daughter will be 13 next year. I think I know what my decision is without going on a journey of self discovery. But I have to let the process play out.
Sending enormous hugs to all the women on here who've been compensating for their addict's deficiencies for years / decades and are now dealing with the fallout xx
I'm having to remind myself that of course he's a self absorbed man lacking in tact and empathy, who is used to having allowances made for him- that's the way of the porn addict! Doesn't make it any less enraging, but reminds me I shouldn't be shocked by every non-apology, deflection of feelings, failure to get it etc. Like you I bent over backwards to give him plenty of time to decompress from work and fatherhood, while running myself ragged with work and motherhood, not realising what he was doing with all that alone time I was enabling, and unable to understand why he was becoming increasingly chaotic, unreliable, self centred, cruel etc in the 6-9 months leading up to the knock.
I can scroll back through messages to my friends from end of 2023 and see my increasing exasperation, growing to despair and fear, which led to me being signed off work for a month as I was becoming delusional and paranoid due to his appalling gaslighting behaviour.
it all makes sense now! The galling thing is that a couple of months ago I said the options are sexless marriage (companionship) with me, or separation, and he is taking his time to explore what he wants before he knows. The arrogance! We're only 6.5 months in and he's finally moved out thank god. I don't know what the future holds but I suspect the full evidence in black and white will make the decision for me. He was caught for communication with a decoy '13 year old girl' on Snapchat and has told me there were more, plus with a decades long porn addiction god knows what's on the hard drives, phones, old PCs etc the police seized.
He isn't allowed on school premises and there's no unsupervised contact with our daughters, and to be honest that feels entirely correct and appropriate! He is not a wise person who makes safe decisions. His wiring is profoundly f***ed, as evidenced by his words and actions when we're together, just complete lack of empathy, sense of personal space, etc, and god knows whether he'll ever see the world in an appropriate way.
Our eldest daughter will be 13 next year. I think I know what my decision is without going on a journey of self discovery. But I have to let the process play out.
Sending enormous hugs to all the women on here who've been compensating for their addict's deficiencies for years / decades and are now dealing with the fallout xx
So so hard.... but sounds like you have come a long way though to move away from his abbusive nature and also see that what is going on now (and that you are not going mad). It is well worth looking at resources around betrayal trauma recovery to help further.
As you say it is down to him now to make amends and fix himself or not!
As much as I am cross with my husband over xmas he did make all the right noises at the point of the Knock getting himself into therapy and SAA, I think for us it is how he manages to maintain himself and not constantly getting himself dragged back into the poor me stuff constantly.
The joke is that we were just driving back in the car, and he said he had had a great christmas in the endn and had been so much more present that ever before. Part of this is true but he certaininly also tried to ruin it all before it started.......
As you say it is down to him now to make amends and fix himself or not!
As much as I am cross with my husband over xmas he did make all the right noises at the point of the Knock getting himself into therapy and SAA, I think for us it is how he manages to maintain himself and not constantly getting himself dragged back into the poor me stuff constantly.
The joke is that we were just driving back in the car, and he said he had had a great christmas in the endn and had been so much more present that ever before. Part of this is true but he certaininly also tried to ruin it all before it started.......
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Oh darling I'm so sorry. The first 4-5 months were dreadful for me, and I only went back to work at the 6 month mark thanks to hefty medication and my person moving out so I could finally start to breathe. Don't rush anything. Work, decisions, plans etc. I'm just starting to enjoy my day to day life, unrecognisable though it is to who I was on 3rd June before the knock. I know there are hard times ahead of me so I try to stay in the here and now, but that only became possible around the 6 month mark xx
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Hi Starr,
I had a book years ago about getting through the tough times in life (I used it to help others I was working with at the time, little knowing how much I would need it in the future).
It was called 'light for the next step we're on' and I think it's such a good word for all of us when the anxiety and fear threatens to swamp us and drown us - to just ask or look for light for the next step and nothing further. This might be a prayer to whoever we believe is there and call God, or just wisdom on an earthly level from the universe.
For myself I clearly remember last NYE and wondering what might have happened before the next one ie today! Would we still be seeing our grandchildren, would our son (the one who offended) be homeless, jobless, in prison. In fact nothing has changed at all and we're still waiting for him to be charged. It will come in time and probably before next NYE, but this year I'm trying to just look for the light on that next step and stay there. Not easy but better than the mess I was in last year! This might be an 'easier said than done' bit of advice when it's early days for people and I think the ability to believe it works comes with time so please hang on Starr (and others) because things do get easier with the passing of time and maybe that can be your 'light' for this NYE xxx
I had a book years ago about getting through the tough times in life (I used it to help others I was working with at the time, little knowing how much I would need it in the future).
It was called 'light for the next step we're on' and I think it's such a good word for all of us when the anxiety and fear threatens to swamp us and drown us - to just ask or look for light for the next step and nothing further. This might be a prayer to whoever we believe is there and call God, or just wisdom on an earthly level from the universe.
For myself I clearly remember last NYE and wondering what might have happened before the next one ie today! Would we still be seeing our grandchildren, would our son (the one who offended) be homeless, jobless, in prison. In fact nothing has changed at all and we're still waiting for him to be charged. It will come in time and probably before next NYE, but this year I'm trying to just look for the light on that next step and stay there. Not easy but better than the mess I was in last year! This might be an 'easier said than done' bit of advice when it's early days for people and I think the ability to believe it works comes with time so please hang on Starr (and others) because things do get easier with the passing of time and maybe that can be your 'light' for this NYE xxx
It is really hard... this was our third Christmas since the knock (which came 4 days before)
First one was surprisingly lovely (I think we were all in shock and denial)
Last year was hard - lots of first anniversary trauma to go through
This year has been nice, but also awful as our person wasn't with us (in prison) but we did get a phone call from him...
There's so many emotions to manage, plus the pressure to "have a merry Christmas" it's not surprising that it's a hard time of year to cope with...
First one was surprisingly lovely (I think we were all in shock and denial)
Last year was hard - lots of first anniversary trauma to go through
This year has been nice, but also awful as our person wasn't with us (in prison) but we did get a phone call from him...
There's so many emotions to manage, plus the pressure to "have a merry Christmas" it's not surprising that it's a hard time of year to cope with...