Family and Friends Forum

I am new here. I never thought I'd ever be posting in a forum like this. And definitely didn't see this coming!



My OH and I were due to be married this coming July. Everything was going great until I found some messages between him and another woman (nothing explicit) I put everything on hold and told him we needed to get to the bottom of this before I even considered marriage. Over the next 2-3 months I caught him in more lies, even silly stuff about what he'd eaten for tea! Every time he would say he lied because he panicked and thought I'd be mad. I started feeling so guilty. Until I checked his internet search history. I reported it to the police, I even got him to tell me how long this had been going on for and why! Needless to say those answers changed the moment the police came through the door. 2 days before Christmas and he was being dragged out of the house in handcuffs and my daughter was crying on the doorstep not quite understanding why I'd had to do this.

We spent Christmas munching on chocolate and watching Christmas movies. But no matter how hard I try I can't stop missing him! Was this because I wasn't enough? Did he eventually want to groom my daughter? He isn't allowed to contact us and is staying far far away with his mother who has constantly made excuses for him and said it's fine because he never did anything in real life. This is the first time I've not let his tears affect me, the thought of what he was doing makes me feel sick. I'm trying not to think about it but it's all I think about at the same time.

SS gave me a quick call and said no further contact from them because I'd done what I should have done as a mother. And I know that there's likely going to be reems of evidence from his personal devices that he's not told anybody about.



I feel like I'm in limbo, he was a major contributor to the financial stuff and we can't continue living in our home without his contribution. My daughter has come to terms with it a little more now and doesn't blame me for ruining Christmas as I thought she would. Even wrapping presents felt like a monumental task. I have no family or friends to confide in other than my father who lives in Australia. I also have a mental health disability and didn't realise that I did not have to give a statement, the officer made it sound like I would be arrested too if I didn't. If I am honest I can't even remember what was in it, the whole event is muddled in my head due to stress and medications.

I remember walking into our computer room the next day and being shocked that his entire computer tower was missing.



I spoke to an officer over the phone who told me that he had gone 'no comment' and had been bailed with conditions of not contacting me or my daughter. But we have shared finances we need to discuss and come to an arrangement on. I wanted to just message his family member and ask if he was ok but again I'm not sure that's allowed either. I wanted to just to support him and half of me misses him so badly and the other half knows that he was likely still lying when the police came through the front door.



My happy ending is over, there is nothing to look forward to. I will never trust again after this because despite everything, I knew what we had was special, even if he chose to throw it away. Please do share tips to help me get through this! My father has extended an invitation to visit him in Australia for a while but I'm wallowing and half scared to death. I just want my happy life back with the fiancé I knew to be loving and thoughtful. I have my daughter and she is so upset that we may have to move again in the middle of her GCSEs.

Is there any way through this? Because I can't see one.

Thank you so much for replying. I think my post was more of a trauma dump than anything. I've had to seriously consider my position and remind myself that I had to do this to keep my daughter safe because I feel so worthless that the fact he lied and did what he did for so long wouldn't be enough to stop me going back.

i constantly regret reporting him knowing that I've made our lives so unstable financially and emotionally. And to be honest I still love the person I met all those years ago even if he doesn't actually exist. I just don't know which way is up and I have A LOT of time alone to think about things. I just want all of this to be a bad dream and I'm ready to wake up now!

I've spent days going through this forum and I've seen my anguish mirrored back at me through the words of others going through the same. There was a time I'd have looked down on those people in a 'how could you not have known' sort of way. But it really does knock the wind out of you and I just wish I knew everything now so that I could walk away knowing I'd made the right decision.



maybe one day we will speak again. Maybe one day he will have some miracle explanation that makes all of this make sense and we can start again. But realistically I know that's just a pipe dream and that will never happen. I want him to be ok, I want to help him and show him how to cope with these urges but the only person who can do this is him. I gave him so many chances to come clean and I could never have imagined that this was the truth lurking in the darkness.

the police said it'll take up to 18 months for the full forensics to come back. That sounds like an eternity. I just need to know officially that I made the right decision. I need that closure to keep me strong.

the one thing I have been able to take from this is that this community is a bubble of support in what society sees as a very black and white scenario. You're all so strong even if you don't feel it. And I feel glad that I have somewhere to pour my deepest emotions and thoughts into. Because I know that nobody around me would understand, how could they?



thank you so much again for your reply. And apologies for another trauma dump. I suppose I want to use this as a diary. One day I'll look back at my first posts and I'll be able to smile at how strong I didn't realise I was at the time.