How to leave and deal with guilt
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Hi everyone,
this is my first post, but I've been lurking and reading since the knock in early October.
Like most on here, the knock came as a complete shock to me. I've been with my husband for over a decade (since I was 19). We had the marriage everyone envied, we are each other's best friends and I thought we were happy.
He's being investigated for IIOC, no contact offenses (that I know of). He was released under investigation and I know there's a long wait ahead.
He admitted to myself and his parents the night of the knock that he is guilty and says that it's porn addiction that he's been dealing with for years and it's spiralled out of control.
He asked me to put extensive monitoring software on his phone (new one as his old one was taken) so I have to approve every website he visits. He has also started seeing a StopSO therapist, she is working on the addiction with him and given him a pre-diagnosis of ADHD. He's also taken steps to start his own business for when he inevitably loses his job.
all of this to say, he's trying. And he tells me everyday how sorry he is.
But I can't do it.
It's now become clear that there's a whole multitude of things he's lied to me about to my face over the years and I know I would still be living in the dark now if he hadn't been forced to tell me because of the police.
I'm the (much) higher earner in our relationship and I feel like if I stay, I'm throwing away everything I work extremely hard for all because of something I have no choice in.
I will be working just to pay the bills and support him after he's betrayed me in the biggest way possible. I also love to travel, and that will all be out the window after this.
I can afford to pay the mortgage on my own if he leaves but he has nowhere to go (his brother has threatened to move out if he goes to his parents). I also drive him everywhere because he can't drive. His sisters won't speak to him because they have children.
I feel like my choices are to leave for me and ruin his life, or stay and ruin my own just to give him a chance to correct his mistake.
Honestly, leaving terrifies me. All my friends are in different countries so I know I'm going to be lonely and it's going to be hard but I feel I owe it to myself to find something better than this but how I can look for something better for me and leave him in utter misery and loneliness?
I know no one can really tell me what to do and it's a decision I'm going to have to make, but there's no one I can talk to about this IRL without having to tell them what he's done and his mum (the only person who knows who I could talk to) just keeps begging me not to break his heart and I just wanted to maybe speak to someone who understands what this is like for me.
this is my first post, but I've been lurking and reading since the knock in early October.
Like most on here, the knock came as a complete shock to me. I've been with my husband for over a decade (since I was 19). We had the marriage everyone envied, we are each other's best friends and I thought we were happy.
He's being investigated for IIOC, no contact offenses (that I know of). He was released under investigation and I know there's a long wait ahead.
He admitted to myself and his parents the night of the knock that he is guilty and says that it's porn addiction that he's been dealing with for years and it's spiralled out of control.
He asked me to put extensive monitoring software on his phone (new one as his old one was taken) so I have to approve every website he visits. He has also started seeing a StopSO therapist, she is working on the addiction with him and given him a pre-diagnosis of ADHD. He's also taken steps to start his own business for when he inevitably loses his job.
all of this to say, he's trying. And he tells me everyday how sorry he is.
But I can't do it.
It's now become clear that there's a whole multitude of things he's lied to me about to my face over the years and I know I would still be living in the dark now if he hadn't been forced to tell me because of the police.
I'm the (much) higher earner in our relationship and I feel like if I stay, I'm throwing away everything I work extremely hard for all because of something I have no choice in.
I will be working just to pay the bills and support him after he's betrayed me in the biggest way possible. I also love to travel, and that will all be out the window after this.
I can afford to pay the mortgage on my own if he leaves but he has nowhere to go (his brother has threatened to move out if he goes to his parents). I also drive him everywhere because he can't drive. His sisters won't speak to him because they have children.
I feel like my choices are to leave for me and ruin his life, or stay and ruin my own just to give him a chance to correct his mistake.
Honestly, leaving terrifies me. All my friends are in different countries so I know I'm going to be lonely and it's going to be hard but I feel I owe it to myself to find something better than this but how I can look for something better for me and leave him in utter misery and loneliness?
I know no one can really tell me what to do and it's a decision I'm going to have to make, but there's no one I can talk to about this IRL without having to tell them what he's done and his mum (the only person who knows who I could talk to) just keeps begging me not to break his heart and I just wanted to maybe speak to someone who understands what this is like for me.
The steps he is taking sound positive and like he is owning his issues around offending.
Would selling and each buying/renting smaller places be an option?
You haven't done anything to feel guilty for. You can absolutely make choices for your life that make you happy (even if not immediately).
My stance for a long time has been that I am committed to working on our relationship but I'm in no way obligated to remain in a relationship that isn't working. For now it works that we have both had therapy and done courses to understand offending, we are completely open in our communication and continue to live separately for now. I left at the beginning and we're 4 years down the line now xxx
Would selling and each buying/renting smaller places be an option?
You haven't done anything to feel guilty for. You can absolutely make choices for your life that make you happy (even if not immediately).
My stance for a long time has been that I am committed to working on our relationship but I'm in no way obligated to remain in a relationship that isn't working. For now it works that we have both had therapy and done courses to understand offending, we are completely open in our communication and continue to live separately for now. I left at the beginning and we're 4 years down the line now xxx
Hi Distressed,
yes, he really is trying but I can't stop thinking that it's too little too late. I have always been the higher earner, and I've given him a beautiful home and security and all he had to do was... not do this.
We can sell the house, and I think we will have to, but his half of the equity will no doubt have to go on legal fees and his minimum wage job isn't going to support him living alone.
I also think losing my home and having to move to something more modest (our house is only a semi-detached in one of the cheapest areas of the country so not sure how much I can downsize) is going to breed more resentment in me.
He also convinced me to buy a new kitchen in my name back in May so I'm on the hook for 5 years of payments for a kitchen I'm probably paying for for someone else to live in/enjoy.
I'm really considering selling and using my half to spend a few years in Australia with my best friend, but it feels like 1. Abandoning the person I love the most to an awful fate and 2. Throwing away everything I've built (career, home etc) just to have to rebuild it when I'm much older and it's harder to do.
I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself but it just stings to think I did everything "right" by society's standards (university, house, marriage) and it's all being taken away from me because of someone else's actions.
I'm going to start counselling in January so hopefully that will help me gain some perspective but I just feel so angry right now, and yet I still can't help but worry about what's going to happen to him
I'm really glad you've found a way that works for you. That really is a sign of hope xxx
yes, he really is trying but I can't stop thinking that it's too little too late. I have always been the higher earner, and I've given him a beautiful home and security and all he had to do was... not do this.
We can sell the house, and I think we will have to, but his half of the equity will no doubt have to go on legal fees and his minimum wage job isn't going to support him living alone.
I also think losing my home and having to move to something more modest (our house is only a semi-detached in one of the cheapest areas of the country so not sure how much I can downsize) is going to breed more resentment in me.
He also convinced me to buy a new kitchen in my name back in May so I'm on the hook for 5 years of payments for a kitchen I'm probably paying for for someone else to live in/enjoy.
I'm really considering selling and using my half to spend a few years in Australia with my best friend, but it feels like 1. Abandoning the person I love the most to an awful fate and 2. Throwing away everything I've built (career, home etc) just to have to rebuild it when I'm much older and it's harder to do.
I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself but it just stings to think I did everything "right" by society's standards (university, house, marriage) and it's all being taken away from me because of someone else's actions.
I'm going to start counselling in January so hopefully that will help me gain some perspective but I just feel so angry right now, and yet I still can't help but worry about what's going to happen to him
I'm really glad you've found a way that works for you. That really is a sign of hope xxx
It seems you know in your heart what you need to do for you. Try not to feel guilt if you can, hard I know. It was his choices and actions that have brought you to where you are now, not yours. I decided to walk away from a 25 year relationship for similar reasons. Once the trust had gone I knew I would just feel resentment for the constrictions put on me because of something he had done. I want to live a full life and enjoy it without worrying about having to lie to people. It's only been 3 months and I'd be lying if I said it was easy, I miss the person I thought he was. But he has lied continuously throughout the whole ordeal and I cannot forgive that. I respect others who have decided to fight and stay together and sometimes feel guilty for walking away but, again, it was his actions that have brought us here, not mine. I'm sorry you've found yourself here but know, you're not alone.
Hi, for me, I simply couldn't share a bed with a man who'd married me and had children with me knowing what he was. I also couldn't deal with the constant thought of what if he does it again? And he did. I lost absolutely everything, and I mean everything because of him, even my health and my daughters. I divorced him within the first year. He's still in my life at arms length but he's still causing major upset 7 years on and about to go back to prison for the same thing. No one can tell you what decision to make but reading what you've written, I think you've made your decision. I wish you all the very best. X
In my opinion, and obviously you're completely free to do what you feel is best, but in your position I would ask him to move out, sell when you can and go and be happy, go to Australia, be with your friend, it might seem like a gamble but you might find something even better there! When one door closes a better one might open. I left and I was terrified and lonely at first but honestly I've seen the true colours and I'm already living with horrible consequences because we have children together I don't need to live with anymore consequences for someone else's choice, he chose to do this and he chose it for me without any care for what would happen to me. If you can have a clean break, do it! ignore his mother she wants what's easiest for her life and he is her son, if she's that bothered she should be the one to take him in, it's not your burden to shoulder. You won't break his heart anymore than he has broken yours through his choices.
Thinking on from what you wrote, if I'd had the freedom you have with your job and property, I'd have run for the hills! As it was, I was threatened with eviction from our housing association property and I was left fighting for benefits. If I where you, I'd leave. X
Thank you all, I really appreciate the words of encouragement from people who've actually been in this situation and know what this feels like!
I know I'm in a much better position than a lot of women who find themselves here. My job is fully remote and my boss has already told me I can work from anywhere. My only obligation is to our three dogs, who I may have to rehome depending on what I decide to do but I'll get through that too.
Logistically and practically I know I'm very fortunate. Nothing could have prepared me (or anyone) for how difficult this would be emotionally though. I feel like he's sharpened the dagger and then handed it to me to plunge through both our chests.
You're all right though; I know what I have to do. I'm trying to get through the holidays but come the New Year I will tell him we're separating. My timing couldn't be worse, he's had 3 months off work sick since the knock and goes back in early January, but I'm not doing this to hurt him, I'm doing it to help me.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I really needed to feel less alone
I know I'm in a much better position than a lot of women who find themselves here. My job is fully remote and my boss has already told me I can work from anywhere. My only obligation is to our three dogs, who I may have to rehome depending on what I decide to do but I'll get through that too.
Logistically and practically I know I'm very fortunate. Nothing could have prepared me (or anyone) for how difficult this would be emotionally though. I feel like he's sharpened the dagger and then handed it to me to plunge through both our chests.
You're all right though; I know what I have to do. I'm trying to get through the holidays but come the New Year I will tell him we're separating. My timing couldn't be worse, he's had 3 months off work sick since the knock and goes back in early January, but I'm not doing this to hurt him, I'm doing it to help me.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I really needed to feel less alone
Good for you Sparrowfall, it's a very strong decision to make you've got this!
Hey
Your post really spoke to me as I’m in a similar situation, albeit with children. I have really taking the time to process what has happened and tried to make my decisions on my own before telling others. I knew that other people would influence my decisions...
And as cliché as it is, one day I just thought… I think I’m better than this?! I think my children deserve better than this. I am dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt too, but I try to come back to, ‘how much guilt did he suffer when the crime took place’?! It also struck me the other day that hopefully I will lead a long life and perhaps my 15 year relationship with him will not be my longest one…
Again cliché, but you really do have one life, so I really want to fill mine with people who I trust and with people who are kind. It’s not too much to ask.
Sending you loads of support and care xxxx
Your post really spoke to me as I’m in a similar situation, albeit with children. I have really taking the time to process what has happened and tried to make my decisions on my own before telling others. I knew that other people would influence my decisions...
And as cliché as it is, one day I just thought… I think I’m better than this?! I think my children deserve better than this. I am dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt too, but I try to come back to, ‘how much guilt did he suffer when the crime took place’?! It also struck me the other day that hopefully I will lead a long life and perhaps my 15 year relationship with him will not be my longest one…
Again cliché, but you really do have one life, so I really want to fill mine with people who I trust and with people who are kind. It’s not too much to ask.
Sending you loads of support and care xxxx
I have no guilt over ending my long marriage.
I've had to go back to work full time as I will have to buy somewhere new to live and will need a mortgage.
I know financially it will be tough but I hate living in the marital home and finding it very isolating. Being in my own place will give me more freedom - and no ties.
I could have written some of what you said.
Life is for living and I fully intend to make the best of it.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
I've had to go back to work full time as I will have to buy somewhere new to live and will need a mortgage.
I know financially it will be tough but I hate living in the marital home and finding it very isolating. Being in my own place will give me more freedom - and no ties.
I could have written some of what you said.
Life is for living and I fully intend to make the best of it.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
A very good friend of mine gave me some good advice today.....what would you tell someone else to do in your situation? Listen to your own advice. You didn't make the mistake, you are not responsible for your person. They're a grown adult who must have realised that one of the risks of doing what they did would mean they might lose you......and they went and did it anyway. You don't have to do anything you don't want to and you must do what is right for you. Look after yourself first.
If we didn't have a child together I'd be out of here so fast my shoes would be smoking. They know my limits and boundaries and broke them anyway.
Everyone's choice is different, and I understand and empathise with those who stay and work on their relationship but mine is not salvageable, and I know that deep down; he's not shown enough effort to changing and learning whilst I was in limbo; so if he's not willing to fight for his own future he's not taking mine.
If we didn't have a child together I'd be out of here so fast my shoes would be smoking. They know my limits and boundaries and broke them anyway.
Everyone's choice is different, and I understand and empathise with those who stay and work on their relationship but mine is not salvageable, and I know that deep down; he's not shown enough effort to changing and learning whilst I was in limbo; so if he's not willing to fight for his own future he's not taking mine.
Sparrowfall,
lots of love and strength sent to you. It is tough emotionally but you will absolutely heal from this. We're all here if you need a safe space to vent and work through those emotions xxx
lots of love and strength sent to you. It is tough emotionally but you will absolutely heal from this. We're all here if you need a safe space to vent and work through those emotions xxx
Sparrowfall, I've posted on here a couple of times since my world collapsed into this tragedy.
We are not alike, in as much as I am not in any way financially secure without his input, but in March of this year we had to move out of our rental accommodation because our landlady required the property. We moved to where we are now, which is £500 a month more than we were paying (from a 3 bedroom to a 1 bedroom!) plus furnished to unfurnished. I took out bank loan to pay for the required furniture, plus spent wildly to make our new garden beautiful. Happily.
Oh gosh, I really was happy.
3 months later, I discovered the court summons.
Anyway...if you check my previous posts you'll see the whole dreadful, ugly, sordid story, but for me this is one stupid thing that makes me so angry. He knew. All this time (2 years) that he was, at the very least, going to be convicted. He very well might have had a custodial sentence. Luckily that was not the case, but I am still in debt, living somewhere that feels completely tainted.
Somewhere that I thought would be an ideal place to entertain, but I cannot invite friends here, because I can no longer see my friends. Not because they know, but because I can't see them and lie to them. So I keep myself to myself. I'm so lonely.
And had I been told the truth, maybe now, I'd be living in a tiny little place, with my cats, and my sanity. And not paying hundreds of pounds a month for this mockery of an existence.
With a man, who FINALLY called the "stop it now" help line, after weeks of me imploring him... to hear him say that after his arrest, court case and sentence, he just wants to get on with his life.
We are not alike, in as much as I am not in any way financially secure without his input, but in March of this year we had to move out of our rental accommodation because our landlady required the property. We moved to where we are now, which is £500 a month more than we were paying (from a 3 bedroom to a 1 bedroom!) plus furnished to unfurnished. I took out bank loan to pay for the required furniture, plus spent wildly to make our new garden beautiful. Happily.
Oh gosh, I really was happy.
3 months later, I discovered the court summons.
Anyway...if you check my previous posts you'll see the whole dreadful, ugly, sordid story, but for me this is one stupid thing that makes me so angry. He knew. All this time (2 years) that he was, at the very least, going to be convicted. He very well might have had a custodial sentence. Luckily that was not the case, but I am still in debt, living somewhere that feels completely tainted.
Somewhere that I thought would be an ideal place to entertain, but I cannot invite friends here, because I can no longer see my friends. Not because they know, but because I can't see them and lie to them. So I keep myself to myself. I'm so lonely.
And had I been told the truth, maybe now, I'd be living in a tiny little place, with my cats, and my sanity. And not paying hundreds of pounds a month for this mockery of an existence.
With a man, who FINALLY called the "stop it now" help line, after weeks of me imploring him... to hear him say that after his arrest, court case and sentence, he just wants to get on with his life.
I'm so sorry Sad Lady - it's not exactly the same but in May this year my husband convinced me we needed a new kitchen and we put all the finance in my name, so that's £20k I'll be paying off for the next five years and it really does make me very resentful!
His gmail was shut down a year ago so he knew (or at least suspected) this was coming and he let me carry on making plans as though our lives weren't about to be devastated.
I don't think he understands that this is the thing I can't get past. I obviously don't agree with what he's done at all, but I have enough empathy to see that he's been fighting a terrible demon and he's struggled. But lying to my face about it for years (and it came out just last night that it's longer than he originally told me); when there have been plenty of prime opportunities to tell me the truth. He chose to do this and he chose to let me be blindsided. It sounds like your person did the same and they must understand that we now need time to come to terms with what happened and can't just 'get on with it'.
he actually said to me yesterday that he feels 'alright' about the situation 70% of the time now that he knows what's coming. I had to inform that I feel like I'm dying 100% of the time so I'm not particularly happy for him!
I hope that you get that peaceful existence with your cats, you absolutely deserve it xx
His gmail was shut down a year ago so he knew (or at least suspected) this was coming and he let me carry on making plans as though our lives weren't about to be devastated.
I don't think he understands that this is the thing I can't get past. I obviously don't agree with what he's done at all, but I have enough empathy to see that he's been fighting a terrible demon and he's struggled. But lying to my face about it for years (and it came out just last night that it's longer than he originally told me); when there have been plenty of prime opportunities to tell me the truth. He chose to do this and he chose to let me be blindsided. It sounds like your person did the same and they must understand that we now need time to come to terms with what happened and can't just 'get on with it'.
he actually said to me yesterday that he feels 'alright' about the situation 70% of the time now that he knows what's coming. I had to inform that I feel like I'm dying 100% of the time so I'm not particularly happy for him!
I hope that you get that peaceful existence with your cats, you absolutely deserve it xx
Sad Lady, I hear you. I was threatened with eviction when my housing association were alerted to my ex's sentencing when they were informed by the Police when they put a marker on my property to "help" me if I got any trouble from neighbours. My ex was known to the Police for 2 years before the knock. During that time, he changed, a lot. I thought he was having an affair and would question him often about his attitude towards me. He'd look me in the eyes and swear he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't be and that it was me who had the problem. After the knock I did eventually become homeless with my son who was 12. After an absolute nightmarish time, we finally got into the place we're living in now having been in emergency and then temporary accommodation. It was just the 2 of us. We've ended up back in the same town where we had the knock though so everything and everywhere reminds me of that. All my "friends" left after they found out so I have no one. My son and I had to start from scratch. We arrived here with one suitcase of clothing, that was all. We had no money, no help, no car. I had to claim UC and didn't get a penny for 5 weeks. We had no beds, mattresses, cooking equipment, towels, we needed everything. And we did it. And then the ex, my sons father, reoffended. That was 3 years ago and he's due in court imminently and is bound to go back to prison. This place feels utterly tainted now. Again. I just want to be left in peace to look after my son and our 2 cats to live out my days. Nothing seems to get any easier. I wish you all the very best. X