I need to know I’m not alone
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Hi Everyone,
I am new to this and stumbled across this forum. I really hope you can give me support as currently I feel so alone. Like a lot of you on here my world came crashing down by a knock at the door 22 months ago and it hasn't been the same since. I was told by the non uniform officer that my partner had been looking at indecent images of children... I could not process this... not the man I loved and knew for years...surely not you've made a mistake? Unfortunately there had been no mistake as my partner distressingly admitted he was sick and had been for a long time. After further discussion (through the shock, tears, outbursts of anger) he explained how he has been addicted to porn for years and this had esculated to dodgy sites which kept dragging him into this dark hole. He explained how he went to porn to manage his aniexty and depression which I had been unaware off. We managed to find a sexual psychotherapist who confirmed everything my partner was saying was true, explaining the addiction cycle in detail and told me my partner was not alone. Based on this and the fact my partner was very remorseful, willing to talk about the nature of stuff he had been viewing... I decided to stay with him and support him through this difficult journey. The months following were horrendous, with very little support from the police or the helpline by Lucy faithful foundation, I found myself navigating this journey alone and having to do my own research. The fear of family and friends finding out was horrendous.... moving on 22 months for my partners first court appearance, the media got hold of this and published it over social media. I was coping until this happened as it took the situation out of my hands, facing judgements from others, friends (I thought we're friends) disowning me in association without even hearing what I have to say. My family have given me ultimatums when in fact I do not want to pick sides. I do not condone the behaviour one bit but I understand how my partner got there. He is accepting the consequences of his actions which is all I can ask. Family/friends are telling me to leave him for my own safety advising I should not return until I know the outcome of the final court appearance which could be months. I have tried to explain my decision and again people are relentless trying to make me choose, guilt tripping me on how this makes them feel and even telling me they can't be associated with me cause they will lose their jobs which is ridiculous. A small handful of friends have been amazing and I know I need to focus on them but it still hurts.
I feel so confused, lost, angry and alone. I hate the media for what they have done not taking into consideration the impact this has on family members. I just want to run away from everyone as I feel they are hurting me as much as my partner. I do not want to pick sides I just want to support someone I love who's made a big mistake, come through the other side and improve himself. In a weird way I'm glad this happened as it got him the help he needed. I would do the exact same for a friend/ family member but horrified with how they have treated me as I would never do that to the people I love.
Does it get better? Have any couples survived this? I told my partner he has one chance, if this ever happens again I will be gone. He has not looked at this material since the day the police arrived and I believe him when he says he is sorry. I'm just finding everyone else's views/ opinions so difficult and in shock that people I thought loved me could disown me without even talking to me and trying to look at my perspective. I can absolutely see how suicide in the UK is so high. You make one mistake and society condemns you. It's not right.
I would appreciate any advice as currently I feel so alone and not spoken to anyone in a similar situation. I'm constantly crying and trying to be mediator between family and friends. Answering questions when I don't even have to, but I do cause I think poor them it must be a shock. Just wish they had the same empathy and compassion towards me.
Thankyou in advance for reading x
I am new to this and stumbled across this forum. I really hope you can give me support as currently I feel so alone. Like a lot of you on here my world came crashing down by a knock at the door 22 months ago and it hasn't been the same since. I was told by the non uniform officer that my partner had been looking at indecent images of children... I could not process this... not the man I loved and knew for years...surely not you've made a mistake? Unfortunately there had been no mistake as my partner distressingly admitted he was sick and had been for a long time. After further discussion (through the shock, tears, outbursts of anger) he explained how he has been addicted to porn for years and this had esculated to dodgy sites which kept dragging him into this dark hole. He explained how he went to porn to manage his aniexty and depression which I had been unaware off. We managed to find a sexual psychotherapist who confirmed everything my partner was saying was true, explaining the addiction cycle in detail and told me my partner was not alone. Based on this and the fact my partner was very remorseful, willing to talk about the nature of stuff he had been viewing... I decided to stay with him and support him through this difficult journey. The months following were horrendous, with very little support from the police or the helpline by Lucy faithful foundation, I found myself navigating this journey alone and having to do my own research. The fear of family and friends finding out was horrendous.... moving on 22 months for my partners first court appearance, the media got hold of this and published it over social media. I was coping until this happened as it took the situation out of my hands, facing judgements from others, friends (I thought we're friends) disowning me in association without even hearing what I have to say. My family have given me ultimatums when in fact I do not want to pick sides. I do not condone the behaviour one bit but I understand how my partner got there. He is accepting the consequences of his actions which is all I can ask. Family/friends are telling me to leave him for my own safety advising I should not return until I know the outcome of the final court appearance which could be months. I have tried to explain my decision and again people are relentless trying to make me choose, guilt tripping me on how this makes them feel and even telling me they can't be associated with me cause they will lose their jobs which is ridiculous. A small handful of friends have been amazing and I know I need to focus on them but it still hurts.
I feel so confused, lost, angry and alone. I hate the media for what they have done not taking into consideration the impact this has on family members. I just want to run away from everyone as I feel they are hurting me as much as my partner. I do not want to pick sides I just want to support someone I love who's made a big mistake, come through the other side and improve himself. In a weird way I'm glad this happened as it got him the help he needed. I would do the exact same for a friend/ family member but horrified with how they have treated me as I would never do that to the people I love.
Does it get better? Have any couples survived this? I told my partner he has one chance, if this ever happens again I will be gone. He has not looked at this material since the day the police arrived and I believe him when he says he is sorry. I'm just finding everyone else's views/ opinions so difficult and in shock that people I thought loved me could disown me without even talking to me and trying to look at my perspective. I can absolutely see how suicide in the UK is so high. You make one mistake and society condemns you. It's not right.
I would appreciate any advice as currently I feel so alone and not spoken to anyone in a similar situation. I'm constantly crying and trying to be mediator between family and friends. Answering questions when I don't even have to, but I do cause I think poor them it must be a shock. Just wish they had the same empathy and compassion towards me.
Thankyou in advance for reading x
YOu're not alone! I came to this forum today, the police officer directed me to it - we had the knock this morning, my son (29) has had his computer removed, he has admitted there are images on it, mostly porn but some IIOC.
Welcome to the club and forum that non of us wanted to join. Whatever you're story we are all here because of our partners reckless, stupid and criminal behaviour.
No one trys to be judgemental on here... so if you don't want to expand on what your partner has done... you don't need to. Also the help desk is brilliant for advice and most of us on here can provide support to...
BTW... I stayed with my partner... Like you I needed to know everything.. He was open, honest and remorseful. It's been 18 months since his conviction... Nearly all of his family have disowned him including his own children.
He knows that if he does anything similar again I will be gone. I hope others contact you and give you the support you dearly deserve...
Best wishes...
No one trys to be judgemental on here... so if you don't want to expand on what your partner has done... you don't need to. Also the help desk is brilliant for advice and most of us on here can provide support to...
BTW... I stayed with my partner... Like you I needed to know everything.. He was open, honest and remorseful. It's been 18 months since his conviction... Nearly all of his family have disowned him including his own children.
He knows that if he does anything similar again I will be gone. I hope others contact you and give you the support you dearly deserve...
Best wishes...
Confused.com, I hear you and I too can totally relate to how you're feeling. I struggle with the fact that people I care about have distances themselves. But I have also found some amazing new good friends that were acquaintances before this happened.
mu husband was caught by vigilantes and his video was streamed across Facebook. He is some distance away from home, on his own. He is undergoing therapy and self help. He too had a sex addiction that I was totally unaware of, he was also quietly suffering from anxiety and depression, but ankles it so well. It was all such a shock. How could I have missed it all?!! No-one had a clue that he was struggling.
I was told a lot to hold my head up high as I had done nothing. But easier said than done. It's getting easier to live with, slowly, i am trying not to let it consume me. It's like riding a wave! Take care of yourself. The support here is amazing. x
mu husband was caught by vigilantes and his video was streamed across Facebook. He is some distance away from home, on his own. He is undergoing therapy and self help. He too had a sex addiction that I was totally unaware of, he was also quietly suffering from anxiety and depression, but ankles it so well. It was all such a shock. How could I have missed it all?!! No-one had a clue that he was struggling.
I was told a lot to hold my head up high as I had done nothing. But easier said than done. It's getting easier to live with, slowly, i am trying not to let it consume me. It's like riding a wave! Take care of yourself. The support here is amazing. x
Thankyou for your replies.
I am just so lost at the moment. I'm devasted with how people I love have treated me and still can't believe they are refusing to talk to me cause I'm trying to support someone I love. Whilst me expressing out loudly I do not condone what has happened!
I am just so lost at the moment. I'm devasted with how people I love have treated me and still can't believe they are refusing to talk to me cause I'm trying to support someone I love. Whilst me expressing out loudly I do not condone what has happened!
Hi...
I know it's a very difficult situation... Don't let anyone make decisions for you... Only you and you alone can decide how to deal with the fall out of having a partner commit this particular offence. Always remember there are different levels of offending... unfortunately everyone gets put under the same umbrella as a sick paedophile who actually commits contact crimes.
People are and family are very judgemental and sometimes I believe I would have got more sympathy if he had been found guilty of murder.
Take care and best wishes...
I know it's a very difficult situation... Don't let anyone make decisions for you... Only you and you alone can decide how to deal with the fall out of having a partner commit this particular offence. Always remember there are different levels of offending... unfortunately everyone gets put under the same umbrella as a sick paedophile who actually commits contact crimes.
People are and family are very judgemental and sometimes I believe I would have got more sympathy if he had been found guilty of murder.
Take care and best wishes...
You are obviously a caring and compassionate person. I like you have asked myself how I would deal with this if it was a friend. I too think I would support rather than judge. I find it hard when someone says they want to aupooer me, but not him. Some have made their mind up on the strength of the vigilante video alone, instead of the trying to understand and believe the best from the man they said they loved!
I have scoured the internet and books for information. My partner has been receiving help and therapy. It alarms me how common this internet crime is. How did I not know this before? Education is really lacking. A friend said to me the other day that, internet porn addiction aside, many men, and women, think 'there but by the grace of god.....'
My husband got his kicks through social media sites, easily accessible to everyone. It is so alarming.
I too have found the lack of support appalling. No word from the police since, helpline? Well what can they do other than listen, my doctor thought police victim support line may help!! I could hear the disgust in her voice!! I paid to see a therapist last week, and isn't find that useful either. This limbo land is really torture.
Possibly because the news hit very quickly and I had to face it straight away, I quickly had to find my support group, they came to me. Some have drifted away as I now know that they were being nosey, which is sad.
Something I wonder is if people watch the dreadful videos on line of people being hurt, or murdered, is that arrestable too? Real people suffering? I must research that! Is there evidence that they will go in to commit that offence?
Like you I believe that, if my husband has been looking and talking to children it is dreadful. But I don't yet know the truth, as he can't even remember the vigilante sting at all or events leading up to it! But our lives have been destroyed anyway. These vigilante groups pick up on people's port mental health and reel them in, that's not a child's mind. And no man in their right mind would meet, would they?
This just all messes with my head. None of this makes any sense. But the punishment dishes out to us partners by society is terrible. I am pretty sure that if husband was still here, and I still had my wedding ring on, I would have even less friends. Not many people care enough to find out more. That is the main point I think, that more education for ADULTS on on line safety needs to be done, more communication of helplines for ALL addicts.
I'm told our justice system is badly affected by austerity, why just add to this by continuing to arrest people and keep them on hold?
sorry, ranting! I was feeling brighter yesterday, now I'm feeling very upset. It's the unknown and being out of control that I hate. And like you, the effort of putting myself in others shoes and pasting on that smile is taking its toll. I shall be glad when chriatmas is over!!
x
I have scoured the internet and books for information. My partner has been receiving help and therapy. It alarms me how common this internet crime is. How did I not know this before? Education is really lacking. A friend said to me the other day that, internet porn addiction aside, many men, and women, think 'there but by the grace of god.....'
My husband got his kicks through social media sites, easily accessible to everyone. It is so alarming.
I too have found the lack of support appalling. No word from the police since, helpline? Well what can they do other than listen, my doctor thought police victim support line may help!! I could hear the disgust in her voice!! I paid to see a therapist last week, and isn't find that useful either. This limbo land is really torture.
Possibly because the news hit very quickly and I had to face it straight away, I quickly had to find my support group, they came to me. Some have drifted away as I now know that they were being nosey, which is sad.
Something I wonder is if people watch the dreadful videos on line of people being hurt, or murdered, is that arrestable too? Real people suffering? I must research that! Is there evidence that they will go in to commit that offence?
Like you I believe that, if my husband has been looking and talking to children it is dreadful. But I don't yet know the truth, as he can't even remember the vigilante sting at all or events leading up to it! But our lives have been destroyed anyway. These vigilante groups pick up on people's port mental health and reel them in, that's not a child's mind. And no man in their right mind would meet, would they?
This just all messes with my head. None of this makes any sense. But the punishment dishes out to us partners by society is terrible. I am pretty sure that if husband was still here, and I still had my wedding ring on, I would have even less friends. Not many people care enough to find out more. That is the main point I think, that more education for ADULTS on on line safety needs to be done, more communication of helplines for ALL addicts.
I'm told our justice system is badly affected by austerity, why just add to this by continuing to arrest people and keep them on hold?
sorry, ranting! I was feeling brighter yesterday, now I'm feeling very upset. It's the unknown and being out of control that I hate. And like you, the effort of putting myself in others shoes and pasting on that smile is taking its toll. I shall be glad when chriatmas is over!!
x
My mother, who is in her 80's and a regular church goer, asked me if my husband would want a Christmas card? She'd selected one with the right message. She has said she will stand by me whatever decision I make going forward. She prays for us every day. She still loves him.
I put on a brave face every time I see and talk to her, and protect her from the worst case scenario. This is such a tough position we find ourselves in!
I put on a brave face every time I see and talk to her, and protect her from the worst case scenario. This is such a tough position we find ourselves in!
Everything you wrote, confused.com, could have been written by me apart from my 'knock' came only two weeks ago AND we have been supported and loved by the family (well - so far). My husband is remorseful (suicidal even) and very clear that he will never repeat his mistakes or return to this compulsive behaviour. You are SO not alone in this. Sending you much love and virtual hugs - it IS a nightmare situation that society needs to wake up to.
Sorry, posted too soon!
Of his family, only 1 member of the family supporting him. Others have disappeared, or have put the boot in. Not what I would have expected, and makes life even harder. How can families turn on their own when they are in need? It truly messes with my head! x
Of his family, only 1 member of the family supporting him. Others have disappeared, or have put the boot in. Not what I would have expected, and makes life even harder. How can families turn on their own when they are in need? It truly messes with my head! x
Thank you Lee1969 x you are so strong and so right! You will be my inspiration to get me through the next few days of social events. Is it normal to be so up and down? Some days I think, yes I've got this, and the next I'm in pieces. Today sorting household Finaces and paperwork with husband. So frustrating. I have to photograph or scan, post things on, find paperwork that he could find easily, it gets me so stressed, and I'm normally calm and efficient. X
Tabs, I do think the ups and downs are normal. But I'm finding and I'm sure others will agree over time there begins to be more ups than downs, though even now sometimes the littlest things that normally I would have taken in my stride cause me to have a wobble. But you know what, we will get through this, and everyone is here to help each other through those rough patches.
I'm so glad I'm not alone! Your situation sound so similar to mine. My partner has had a porn addiction from a very young age and October last year is when we got our knock. I'm so fearful of people finding out. And I'm really struggling to connect that person to him.. I don't see how he did it. But he did. He admitted everything to me. We had our baby boy in November. 6 days after the knock, a week and a day early. I'm assuming due to the stress of this and other things at the time. I've got a very healthy baby boy thankfully. I really don't know how to get through this. I still love him and like you say I understand what led him to that point. I just don't know what to do or how to cope ????