So scared
Notifications OFF
Hi everyone. I've been reading this forum since my world fell apart end of October. I have shed so many tears reading your stories and can't quite put into words how in awe I am of you all, each at different stages in this nightmare.
As a mum to kids at uni my heart breaks for those of you who are mums to offenders, particularly those who are at, or were at, uni.
That's not my story. Mine is my husband. Apart from my personal shock and the absolute feeling that literally a grenade has just gone off, which is agony and is tearing my heart to pieces, I've also been so massively shocked by the scale of this offending and the devastation it is causing. I've always hated pornography, I despise everything it represents. I've never really got the idea that "oh but it's just men being men and they have their needs etc" I've always called out oppression and injustice and view sex as something borne of love and emotional intimacy so see pornography as degrading to those in it, those making it and those watching it. I understand that others have different views.
So I'm trying to understand how a husband can go from watching pornography , unbeknown to me, to then looking at IIOC. A husband of 25 years who was my soul mate, or so I thought. I detest the former, and literally have no words for the latter.
We were soul mates. We'd rant at the same things on the news every night. We'd be outraged at the same oppression, the injustices, the awful lives that millions in this world have. So to say this man is not my husband is the biggest understatement ever. Non of it makes sense. None of it.
We both see our marriage as a lifetime commitment, for better for worse, but at the moment I don't know how we can survive this. I do know many marriages survive, I read that around half of marriages do, which is amazing and testament to the women/partners whom, as we all see on here, are so strong.
I know it's very early days and I've read on here it could be a year before anything starts moving. If you're on here you'll know what it's like, the fear, the nausea, the waking at 4am and freezing in the fear of realization, the being scared to go out and face people, the way time has completely changed and yesterday is like a month ago and each hour is agony, the weariness and the crippling sadness, and then the rage that makes your heart burst out of your chest.
I didn't want 2025 to come, but I know it has to and it's here now.
Im so scared.
As a mum to kids at uni my heart breaks for those of you who are mums to offenders, particularly those who are at, or were at, uni.
That's not my story. Mine is my husband. Apart from my personal shock and the absolute feeling that literally a grenade has just gone off, which is agony and is tearing my heart to pieces, I've also been so massively shocked by the scale of this offending and the devastation it is causing. I've always hated pornography, I despise everything it represents. I've never really got the idea that "oh but it's just men being men and they have their needs etc" I've always called out oppression and injustice and view sex as something borne of love and emotional intimacy so see pornography as degrading to those in it, those making it and those watching it. I understand that others have different views.
So I'm trying to understand how a husband can go from watching pornography , unbeknown to me, to then looking at IIOC. A husband of 25 years who was my soul mate, or so I thought. I detest the former, and literally have no words for the latter.
We were soul mates. We'd rant at the same things on the news every night. We'd be outraged at the same oppression, the injustices, the awful lives that millions in this world have. So to say this man is not my husband is the biggest understatement ever. Non of it makes sense. None of it.
We both see our marriage as a lifetime commitment, for better for worse, but at the moment I don't know how we can survive this. I do know many marriages survive, I read that around half of marriages do, which is amazing and testament to the women/partners whom, as we all see on here, are so strong.
I know it's very early days and I've read on here it could be a year before anything starts moving. If you're on here you'll know what it's like, the fear, the nausea, the waking at 4am and freezing in the fear of realization, the being scared to go out and face people, the way time has completely changed and yesterday is like a month ago and each hour is agony, the weariness and the crippling sadness, and then the rage that makes your heart burst out of your chest.
I didn't want 2025 to come, but I know it has to and it's here now.
Im so scared.
Ah so scared, I could have written your post. I'm so sad for you that you walk this road with us all on here. I'm 7 months in. It's also my OH 32 yrs married with 1 adult child. We have been together for over 36 years and had been through a lot but we always had each other's back and then my world as I knew it fell apart. I have no idea if our marriage will survive this. I lie awake at night often but it doesn't feel as raw. If you want to private message me, I'll help if I can or we can perhaps support each other. Hugs x
I have 0 advice for you but I couldn't not say anything. This is one situation I would never ever ever wish on my worst enemy. The thoughts, the feelings the fear and the shame. And the constant question of whether sticking about is worth it or not.
Whether your marriage will work is only a matter of time but don't pressure yourself into staying. You owe this man nothing anymore. There is so much help out there for you. Have you tried phoning the helpline I always find in my hours of desperation they really help.
Take things day by day, and please remember to be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Your amazing and you've done nothing wrong just remember that.
Whether your marriage will work is only a matter of time but don't pressure yourself into staying. You owe this man nothing anymore. There is so much help out there for you. Have you tried phoning the helpline I always find in my hours of desperation they really help.
Take things day by day, and please remember to be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Your amazing and you've done nothing wrong just remember that.
I feel this so much. 7 months in now, unbelievably, and can't see how I can square my values (staunch feminist) with what my husband has been doing. It seems absolutely alien from the person I thought I was married to. 22 years together, 2 'tween' daughters. All I can suggest is therapy and decent antidepressants that help with sleep. I'd be absolutely destroyed without them but I'm finding my strength and power.
I did leave our marriage but we had been together for close to 20 years, and I thought he was my soulmate and I still have dark moments thinking will I ever connect with someone that deeply again, will anyone ever love me again.
But I find it a complete betrayal, like you we held the same morals and values and talked about this, he would talk about the evils in the world the same way as me ...but he was lying because he was doing those things, there was a time I found a load of adult porn on his phone and was upset about it and was made to feel as though I was being crazy,'all men do it' etc. and at this point he could of talked to me about it but didn't and continued to lie even making me feel that I was being unreasonable.
I know some marriages survive but I felt like he lied to me over and over again, and he let me love him and sleep with him and have his children knowing there was this dark side of him that I was oblivious too.
But I find it a complete betrayal, like you we held the same morals and values and talked about this, he would talk about the evils in the world the same way as me ...but he was lying because he was doing those things, there was a time I found a load of adult porn on his phone and was upset about it and was made to feel as though I was being crazy,'all men do it' etc. and at this point he could of talked to me about it but didn't and continued to lie even making me feel that I was being unreasonable.
I know some marriages survive but I felt like he lied to me over and over again, and he let me love him and sleep with him and have his children knowing there was this dark side of him that I was oblivious too.
I'm probably similar to you in having quite an old school view of marriage, but even I very much struggle to see any kind of future. And it really is a long wait (15 months & counting in my case). For me it helps that I see my husband as the one who tore up our marriage, even if its me who makes the final decision to obtain a piece of paper saying its over. Also don't feel any guilt about separating & living apart, even if you both see that as temporary and want to keep working on the marriage long term. In a sense my separation was 'forced' (we have kids at home) but I'm very glad in hindsight. It's given me space to think & breathe & I don't live in fear of knocks on the door & a backlash when ppl find out. For me also my first responsibility is to my children, who are totally innocent in all this, and I know I would still feel like that even if they'd grown up & left home. I guess I see how I relate to OH very much through the lens of what is in their best interests.
Just a thought if you are looking to rebuild and you haven't mentioned how your husband is working on himself or not but I would highly highly recommend the LFF inform course for understanding more about how he got to that point also both of you should read the book "your brain on porn"
I was also recommended the Naked Truth Project which is christian focussed org but not too much that I feel uncomfortable as a non practising christian, which is focussed on partner sensitive betrayal healing and the process of rebuilding (though also supports people who are not able to rebuild) relationships.
The slight problem and where we are stuck as that we can not do a theraputic disclouse while the court process is going on (though I do need to validate this) but I feel I get a lot of support from the groups. The groups are all about supporting betrayed partners of sex addicts where acting out could be pornography or affairs etc
Lots of podcasts on betrayal trauna will help, also the bretrayal bind by michelle mays is excellent (I started reading it, stopped and now rereading again!)
My husband also has a stop it now therapist and goes to SAA (but I am still struggling as I am not sure either of these are partner sentitive enough for me). There has been change in him but 18 months in, not enough consistency.
I was also recommended the Naked Truth Project which is christian focussed org but not too much that I feel uncomfortable as a non practising christian, which is focussed on partner sensitive betrayal healing and the process of rebuilding (though also supports people who are not able to rebuild) relationships.
The slight problem and where we are stuck as that we can not do a theraputic disclouse while the court process is going on (though I do need to validate this) but I feel I get a lot of support from the groups. The groups are all about supporting betrayed partners of sex addicts where acting out could be pornography or affairs etc
Lots of podcasts on betrayal trauna will help, also the bretrayal bind by michelle mays is excellent (I started reading it, stopped and now rereading again!)
My husband also has a stop it now therapist and goes to SAA (but I am still struggling as I am not sure either of these are partner sentitive enough for me). There has been change in him but 18 months in, not enough consistency.
I too completely understand.
Mine is my husband - 20 years together, 3 years married. Although his is not IIOC (as far as I know) he did have an online conversation with an underage girl (or maybe decoy - we don't know). He still maintains he thought she was a grown woman as he had been talking to women for a while. He also admitted to watching porn.
How he got to that place is still a complete mystery to me - he said things were missing in our relationship - I had thought things were perfect and refuse to let him put any of the blame for this on me. He was also suffering from undiagnosed anxiety and depression caused by work and other issues. He attempted suicide 5 days after the knock.
I told him I would support him through this but if I find at any point that he has lied to me or withheld anything, I will need to rethink that decision. He is working hard on rebuilding trust and has recently started the Safer Lives course. I'm signed up for the Inform course but am still waiting for a start date.
in some ways I consider us fortunate in that we don't have children at home so we don't have the added pressure from Child Services, or the financial burden of him having to move out.
I get anxiety which creeps up on me suddenly when I least expect it. I have sleepless nights where I worry myself stupid over what might happen in the future, I have major distrust around him having access to a smart phone (I'd like to think he wouldn't be stupid enough, or cruel enough), and anger towards him for the lives he has ruined. We all know these feelings - none of us deserve this, none of us should be here
5 months into this now - I know it's a waiting game and that makes me angry too. He's on bail and can't see the grandkids. We are all suffering because he was a stupid stupid man who didn't stop to think what the consequences of his actions might be.
But one way or another we will get through, whether that be together or separately - and this forum has become my lifeline. So don't be afraid to reach out for support, for answers to questions, or just for a virtual hug.
xx
Mine is my husband - 20 years together, 3 years married. Although his is not IIOC (as far as I know) he did have an online conversation with an underage girl (or maybe decoy - we don't know). He still maintains he thought she was a grown woman as he had been talking to women for a while. He also admitted to watching porn.
How he got to that place is still a complete mystery to me - he said things were missing in our relationship - I had thought things were perfect and refuse to let him put any of the blame for this on me. He was also suffering from undiagnosed anxiety and depression caused by work and other issues. He attempted suicide 5 days after the knock.
I told him I would support him through this but if I find at any point that he has lied to me or withheld anything, I will need to rethink that decision. He is working hard on rebuilding trust and has recently started the Safer Lives course. I'm signed up for the Inform course but am still waiting for a start date.
in some ways I consider us fortunate in that we don't have children at home so we don't have the added pressure from Child Services, or the financial burden of him having to move out.
I get anxiety which creeps up on me suddenly when I least expect it. I have sleepless nights where I worry myself stupid over what might happen in the future, I have major distrust around him having access to a smart phone (I'd like to think he wouldn't be stupid enough, or cruel enough), and anger towards him for the lives he has ruined. We all know these feelings - none of us deserve this, none of us should be here
5 months into this now - I know it's a waiting game and that makes me angry too. He's on bail and can't see the grandkids. We are all suffering because he was a stupid stupid man who didn't stop to think what the consequences of his actions might be.
But one way or another we will get through, whether that be together or separately - and this forum has become my lifeline. So don't be afraid to reach out for support, for answers to questions, or just for a virtual hug.
xx
Saint, I'm so sorry you're here. The fear, the nausea, the freeze, the 4ams - I have it all too.
I just ventured out this afternoon but felt overwhelmed by panic and had to just come straight home again. It feels too much to bear sometimes.
So no advice, just solidarity
I just ventured out this afternoon but felt overwhelmed by panic and had to just come straight home again. It feels too much to bear sometimes.
So no advice, just solidarity
I had been married for 32 years. The marriage didn't survive which was down to me.
I turned a blind eye to the porn. Mistake number one.
Other stuff came out months after the knock which made me realise there was no trust left. I felt sad and betrayed. Probably let him stay for those months as I was so scared of being alone.
I've still got a way to go but have come off the medication and had a course of counselling. He did go to some Stop it Now courses but unsure if he has received any other help.
2022 and 2023 were shit. 2024 I began to find out who I was and start doing some fun stuff again. I hope in 2025 to work on that even more - and get a divorce!
It's not an easy road but I believe we are all stronger than we think we are.
I turned a blind eye to the porn. Mistake number one.
Other stuff came out months after the knock which made me realise there was no trust left. I felt sad and betrayed. Probably let him stay for those months as I was so scared of being alone.
I've still got a way to go but have come off the medication and had a course of counselling. He did go to some Stop it Now courses but unsure if he has received any other help.
2022 and 2023 were shit. 2024 I began to find out who I was and start doing some fun stuff again. I hope in 2025 to work on that even more - and get a divorce!
It's not an easy road but I believe we are all stronger than we think we are.
Thank you all for replying.
Scaredmumof3 thank you. I have ordered the book on your recommendation and have looked at The NakedTruth Project. I've just watched a webinar on betrayal trauma which was excellent and I'd recommend it to others.
Such a lot to take in and to process as I guess it's very early days for me and OH. We're both receiving counseling, him from StopSo and myself from someone from the counseling directory, who also works with Lff. I'm starting Inform course with Lff in Feb and hubby has just signed up for his Inform this morning. We're both using the helpline and they have literally been a life saver for us. Such wonderful people and a wonderful organization.
Never in a million years did I think I would ever be calling on an organization like theirs for help. But non of us on here did.
Scaredmumof3 thank you. I have ordered the book on your recommendation and have looked at The NakedTruth Project. I've just watched a webinar on betrayal trauma which was excellent and I'd recommend it to others.
Such a lot to take in and to process as I guess it's very early days for me and OH. We're both receiving counseling, him from StopSo and myself from someone from the counseling directory, who also works with Lff. I'm starting Inform course with Lff in Feb and hubby has just signed up for his Inform this morning. We're both using the helpline and they have literally been a life saver for us. Such wonderful people and a wonderful organization.
Never in a million years did I think I would ever be calling on an organization like theirs for help. But non of us on here did.
i feel your pain and scared emotions I am 28months in and it breaks my world every single day sending strength to you and your loved ones xx