how much do ss know?
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I completely understand ss are there to protect any child from any risk wether that be proven or otherwise. And while an investigation is underway with no charge they don't see the "innocent until proven guilty"
if I'm 100% honest I don't have any insight into what may be the truth, all I have is an unborn child and a partner of 11yrs and all the plans and hopes that have come crashing down.
I've made it clear today at our first meeting that despite my trust being very shattered and me not feeling 100% confident, him having no bond or contact while the investigation weighs on my mind a lot.
They asked what i knew of the investigation and a lot of what I do know was reading between the lines and admissions from my partner but regardless I told her.
She said that she does know more that she couldn't disclose but if it were her she wouldn't want that person anywhere near her children/grandchildren. Now I've read enough here to say usually ss are only told the suspicion and bail conditions but can they be told more? or are they just hoping I cut all contact!
Before she left she did advise that if I really did want him to have contact once the baby is born they'd look at allowing it through a family member of mine.
I take it they've left with a very dim view of me as a parent, I couldn't not stand up for the little bit of belief that he's not a monster. and as much as I doubt I'll ever have that trust again he needs to be a part of our lives.
if I'm 100% honest I don't have any insight into what may be the truth, all I have is an unborn child and a partner of 11yrs and all the plans and hopes that have come crashing down.
I've made it clear today at our first meeting that despite my trust being very shattered and me not feeling 100% confident, him having no bond or contact while the investigation weighs on my mind a lot.
They asked what i knew of the investigation and a lot of what I do know was reading between the lines and admissions from my partner but regardless I told her.
She said that she does know more that she couldn't disclose but if it were her she wouldn't want that person anywhere near her children/grandchildren. Now I've read enough here to say usually ss are only told the suspicion and bail conditions but can they be told more? or are they just hoping I cut all contact!
Before she left she did advise that if I really did want him to have contact once the baby is born they'd look at allowing it through a family member of mine.
I take it they've left with a very dim view of me as a parent, I couldn't not stand up for the little bit of belief that he's not a monster. and as much as I doubt I'll ever have that trust again he needs to be a part of our lives.
Hello
i couldnt read and not comment,
i am not sure how much they are told through the investigation stage but they do not like it when partners stand by thier person.
I have been treated differently because i am standing by my partner (hes been charged and due to be sentenced this month) and she made his offending manager (what you get once the SOR get signed although is called different things depending on where you are from) to call me and give me a full disclosure. I knew everything already but they twisted things to "put me off" but i saw right through it.
I told them i saw his charge sheet and that was enough for me to know as much as i wanted to know but thankfully he told me the truth from the beginning so nothing came as a shock.
i was then asked twice after that where i was with my relationship and i told them i was still continuing the relationship and that yes i believe due to this , he will always be some risk to children but it can all be managed and i wanted to work WITH them to do whats right for the children and our family but that our end goal was for him to be able to live back at home but that i would like for it to be in steps so they can see that we are taking this serioulsy.
did they like that? nope they didnt
Am i bothered? yes i am a little as i feel they judge us for wanting to stand by but only we can make the decisions and they should support either way but i wont let them take away somethng i think can be worked on. My relationship is totally seperate to my family life and my children have and always will come first. i wont let them bully me into changing my mind. Obviously trust within our relationship has been damaged but we are working on that and the remorse and level of work hes done contributed to my decision to stay
Obvioulsy its difficult for you at the moment as your not fully aware of what your person has done until the final outcome of if he will be charged and if he is , with what he is being charged with.
the best advice is really think about your relationship , how you see it going forward, the possible pressure from SS to leave your relationship and whether you can stand your ground. (alot of women on here have stayed and although their battle has been rough, they have come out the other end). There is always hope but it has to be your decision.
i always say nothing bad lasts forever. When we first got the knock, all i could think about was being forced to leave the relationship and i couldnt help but think what were the chances we could rekindle the relationship years into the future. Now here i am, standing my ground, accepting all the assessments that is going to have to be done but i know my own truth . I know what hes done. The judge will give him his sentence for that and he will work through that, and that i know hand on heart my children come first before anything .
feel free to message me if you like xxx
i couldnt read and not comment,
i am not sure how much they are told through the investigation stage but they do not like it when partners stand by thier person.
I have been treated differently because i am standing by my partner (hes been charged and due to be sentenced this month) and she made his offending manager (what you get once the SOR get signed although is called different things depending on where you are from) to call me and give me a full disclosure. I knew everything already but they twisted things to "put me off" but i saw right through it.
I told them i saw his charge sheet and that was enough for me to know as much as i wanted to know but thankfully he told me the truth from the beginning so nothing came as a shock.
i was then asked twice after that where i was with my relationship and i told them i was still continuing the relationship and that yes i believe due to this , he will always be some risk to children but it can all be managed and i wanted to work WITH them to do whats right for the children and our family but that our end goal was for him to be able to live back at home but that i would like for it to be in steps so they can see that we are taking this serioulsy.
did they like that? nope they didnt
Am i bothered? yes i am a little as i feel they judge us for wanting to stand by but only we can make the decisions and they should support either way but i wont let them take away somethng i think can be worked on. My relationship is totally seperate to my family life and my children have and always will come first. i wont let them bully me into changing my mind. Obviously trust within our relationship has been damaged but we are working on that and the remorse and level of work hes done contributed to my decision to stay
Obvioulsy its difficult for you at the moment as your not fully aware of what your person has done until the final outcome of if he will be charged and if he is , with what he is being charged with.
the best advice is really think about your relationship , how you see it going forward, the possible pressure from SS to leave your relationship and whether you can stand your ground. (alot of women on here have stayed and although their battle has been rough, they have come out the other end). There is always hope but it has to be your decision.
i always say nothing bad lasts forever. When we first got the knock, all i could think about was being forced to leave the relationship and i couldnt help but think what were the chances we could rekindle the relationship years into the future. Now here i am, standing my ground, accepting all the assessments that is going to have to be done but i know my own truth . I know what hes done. The judge will give him his sentence for that and he will work through that, and that i know hand on heart my children come first before anything .
feel free to message me if you like xxx
this honestly felt like looking into a mirror when reading this as my situation was near enough identical to yours, I can't say for certain but from my experience I feel like they "do" share more information amongst each other, then only tell you when it's convenient and/or to make your partner look even worse but I think this might be entirely up to the SW as I've had a few and while some are somewhat decent, others were downright horrific.
For example my SW would never tell me the exact amount of images & other details claiming they couldn't tell me but it wasn't until the very last second before a big meeting they shared the details which hit me like a bombshell, sending me into a deep depression and was the closest we came to a divorce.
I asked straight away while I was still pregnant if I completely cut off ties to my OH if they would be still involved in mine & my unborn child's life and one I was told yes I didn't want the additional stress of a divorce and selling our home on an already risky pregnancy so stayed with my OH who had done everything he could to step up as a partner.
Simply they DON'T like you to stay with your partner and from my experience some will try and pressure you into separating and will use your child and the choice that you stayed as leverage against you.
But what I will say is if your SW ever makes you feel pressured or they overstep, then nip it in the bud straight away and set boundaries, luckily I've got a new SW that actually seems to want to help, as well as my OH probation officer and offending officer that seem much more on our side since sentencing.
It's a horrible situation, but you will get through it no matter what choice you make xx
For example my SW would never tell me the exact amount of images & other details claiming they couldn't tell me but it wasn't until the very last second before a big meeting they shared the details which hit me like a bombshell, sending me into a deep depression and was the closest we came to a divorce.
I asked straight away while I was still pregnant if I completely cut off ties to my OH if they would be still involved in mine & my unborn child's life and one I was told yes I didn't want the additional stress of a divorce and selling our home on an already risky pregnancy so stayed with my OH who had done everything he could to step up as a partner.
Simply they DON'T like you to stay with your partner and from my experience some will try and pressure you into separating and will use your child and the choice that you stayed as leverage against you.
But what I will say is if your SW ever makes you feel pressured or they overstep, then nip it in the bud straight away and set boundaries, luckily I've got a new SW that actually seems to want to help, as well as my OH probation officer and offending officer that seem much more on our side since sentencing.
It's a horrible situation, but you will get through it no matter what choice you make xx
thankyou so much for sharing your experiences, its such a help knowing this is a very normal way things are handled, i's all just so confusing.
One of the officers did call me after his arrest and interview, they stated what he was arrested on suspicion of "posessing iioc" they told me he'd been bailed pending futher investigation and explained the conditions that would affect me. They then went on to say that they found nothing immediately on his devices other than adult porn(I know this can be an issue) but had to send them for forensic searches. They explained that the backlog meant there would be no more information available for potentially 8 months. They said they saw no risk to myself or my child and felt if ss could do an assesment and speak to them they saw no reason why he shouldn't be at home at very least until the baby arrives. They admitted they did not know how things would go after that as they'd not personally dealt with this situation.
The social worker was actually quite kind, it was only just as she was going to leave that she kind of gave the indication something could be done regarding his contact with the baby. I'm not expecting him home, I totally understand the stance with that.
he's assured me nothing will be found on his devices and I really want to believe that but its always there, the fact he could be lying. He wants me to just concentrate on the baby, he would accept contact through someone else put doesn't expect me to push for it if I'm too stressed.
One of the officers did call me after his arrest and interview, they stated what he was arrested on suspicion of "posessing iioc" they told me he'd been bailed pending futher investigation and explained the conditions that would affect me. They then went on to say that they found nothing immediately on his devices other than adult porn(I know this can be an issue) but had to send them for forensic searches. They explained that the backlog meant there would be no more information available for potentially 8 months. They said they saw no risk to myself or my child and felt if ss could do an assesment and speak to them they saw no reason why he shouldn't be at home at very least until the baby arrives. They admitted they did not know how things would go after that as they'd not personally dealt with this situation.
The social worker was actually quite kind, it was only just as she was going to leave that she kind of gave the indication something could be done regarding his contact with the baby. I'm not expecting him home, I totally understand the stance with that.
he's assured me nothing will be found on his devices and I really want to believe that but its always there, the fact he could be lying. He wants me to just concentrate on the baby, he would accept contact through someone else put doesn't expect me to push for it if I'm too stressed.
I have had a really bad time with social services.
One of my many social workers said he was an evil man who was going to spend 5-7 years in prison.
The police said that I can't even safeguard myself let alone my children after I said I was standing by him.
In several meetings they alluded to the fact he was convicted of possession of iioc but one could never know what he got away with.
In a final twist I've been given very detailed descriptive sample paragraphs of what had been viewed. This haunts me to day.
I've also been issued proceedings upon giving birth, only because I was not ending my relationship, but he didn't even live with us, had a 10 day hospital stay and waited for an emergency hearing, hung every word of a judge as she allowed me to go home with my baby and keep the older child too,
You are not alone.
You see, they will do everything in their power to force you to walk away and torment your soul if you don't under the pretence of child protection.
One of my many social workers said he was an evil man who was going to spend 5-7 years in prison.
The police said that I can't even safeguard myself let alone my children after I said I was standing by him.
In several meetings they alluded to the fact he was convicted of possession of iioc but one could never know what he got away with.
In a final twist I've been given very detailed descriptive sample paragraphs of what had been viewed. This haunts me to day.
I've also been issued proceedings upon giving birth, only because I was not ending my relationship, but he didn't even live with us, had a 10 day hospital stay and waited for an emergency hearing, hung every word of a judge as she allowed me to go home with my baby and keep the older child too,
You are not alone.
You see, they will do everything in their power to force you to walk away and torment your soul if you don't under the pretence of child protection.
Early days with our SW but I certainly felt judged by my decision to stand by my OH. She basically told me not to marry him or ever let him move in because he'd take my house and ultimately my kids inheritance. He has a great very well paid job (at the moment) but no other assets, so the insinuation was I need to be careful that I'm not being groomed. Me and my OH have discussed our 5-7year plan so that he can save up and buy his own place. We have no intention of marrying or him moving in - I wouldn't take that step until the kids were much older. He is hugely respectful of both mine and my kids boundaries and if that ever changed he'd be out the door. Sadly it feels as if the SWs have already created the narrative in their heads without knowing anything about us. X
She also asked what I thought was a slightly strange question, 'in an ideal world would you live together?' ....I said yes, but that things are working fine as they were. I mean in an ideal world we wouldn't be in this mess, and my OH wouldn't spend the rest of his life being deemed a risk to children! She was scribbling away with god only knows what, so let's watch this space! She's back tomorrow afternoon for the next appointment with me and the kids, so we'll see! X